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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Another 'smut vrs porn' and what's Ok and what's not

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-18-2012, 04:02 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another 'smut vrs porn' and what's Ok and what's not

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Hi tubes ~

I have a feeling that you and your wife are actually very similar - in that you are both using some kind of artificial means (fantasy) to try and fill the void you have inside. You may both be feeling like you simply want someone to desire and love you, but don't quite know how to go about doing that.

I think that additional discussions/fights are likely counter-productive at this point. Instead, there simply needs to be action - and by that I mean that you should be taking action to start becoming the best kind of man that you can. And you should be doing it for yourself. If your wife likes that new and improved you, then she will jump on board for the journey.

But, it will start in yourself. Deciding that YOU are a worthwhile individual, and working everyday to become the best version of you that you can be (yah - I really love that slogan "Be ALL that YOU can BE!"

You've been given some great sources to start the process. Wishing you success on starting that journey - it takes but a single step to start it.

Best wishes.
Thanks for the kind words.

No discussions or fights about sex in the past year. We may be both turning to Ďporní to get off or fill the void ( I stopped about a month ago ) but we are in different positions. Iím married to a women that rejects me sexually, not interested in me so I turn to an occasional 10min of porn to get off. She is married to a man that wants her but is not interested and spends hours a day with her porn.
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Old 02-18-2012, 04:03 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another 'smut vrs porn' and what's Ok and what's not

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Originally Posted by diwali123 View Post
see if you can turn it into learning more about what turns her on and if you can maybe take her fantasies into the bedroom or read those stories together.
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From reading her stories, she is turned on by tall men who have highly important jobs, rich, playboys, built like a tank and hung like a horse, plus they know exactly what women are thinking. Iím a 5í8Ē electrician, how should I proceed? Take over a company as CEO, visit a plastic surgeon for height and length, become a mind reader?

Sorry, itís late and Iím in a bad mood. I do appreciate the feedback

All the best
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Old 02-18-2012, 11:07 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another 'smut vrs porn' and what's Ok and what's not

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Thanks for the kind words.

No discussions or fights about sex in the past year. We may be both turning to ‘porn’ to get off or fill the void ( I stopped about a month ago ) but we are in different positions. I’m married to a women that rejects me sexually, not interested in me so I turn to an occasional 10min of porn to get off. She is married to a man that wants her but is not interested and spends hours a day with her porn.
Hi tubes ~

I know that it's easy to get discouraged.

BUT, look to the sign of encouragement there is here - your wife is definitely sexual and has those feelings. Half the battle is won right there.

The half that needs to be worked on, is to get her to turn those feelings toward YOU and not to her fantasy. And you don't have to be a bloke that makes a jillion dollars, has ripped abs, and a high-power job. You just need to be the best version of you that you can be, show up everyday with your game on high. Study the blokes that she is fantasizing over - don't look at the superficial stuff - look at the emotional stuff - look at their ACTIONS and how that impacts her emotion.

Go back to PHTlump's original post in this thread and start reading the blog link that he provided at the end. It may help to give you some inspiration and direction.

You can take action right now, so that things don't continue to 'go down the tubes' (sorry - I couldn't help saying that based upon your user name )

Best wishes.
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Last edited by Enchantment; 02-18-2012 at 11:14 AM.
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:33 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another 'smut vrs porn' and what's Ok and what's not

"From reading her stories, she is turned on by tall men who have highly important jobs, rich, playboys, built like a tank and hung like a horse, plus they know exactly what women are thinking. I’m a 5’8” electrician, how should I proceed? Take over a company as CEO, visit a plastic surgeon for height and length, become a mind reader?"

She could say something similar by watching porn, that you're turned on by stick thin 18 year olds who are willing to have sex at the drop of a hat, have fake boobs, fake tans, fake teeth, fake nails and do whatever the man wants no matter how humiliating it is. How can she compete with that?

The point of porn and erotica isn't really the actual people in it, it's the fantasy, it's being able to choose exactly what you want to watch or read and not having to deal with the reality of the wants and needs of another person.
Either way it's ok in limited quantities but when people use it to avoid intimacy or it takes the place of real intimacy. I don't know that it's that she isn't attracted to you, she seems like she maybe has control issues or like she doesn't know how to share her sexuality with you.
I don't think it's about those actual men as compared to you. Because she would probably have the same problem with Ben Affleck. If she's not comfortable with her own sexuality and she can't deal with a real man, it doesn't matter who she's with. In fact I would bet in reality she'd be pretty disappointed with a man like that if she had him. Those guys are jerks, they are very demanding and full of themselves. I bet on some level she has to know that.
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Old 02-18-2012, 08:57 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another 'smut vrs porn' and what's Ok and what's not

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She has noticed Iím not catering to her but isnít reacting. As for improving myself, any suggestions? I got some new clothes for myself, watching my diet, starting individual counselling next week. I need to loose some weight, and Iím going to work on that (20lbs over ideal). I try and come home happy. Being more focused on my kids (not for my wife, for my relationship with them) as they always make me happy.
That's exactly it. Get into the gym. Lose that weight. Add some muscle mass. Dress better. Be happier. Take the kids out to do something fun on the weekends. If your wife wants to come, fine. If not, it's daddy time. Get into an interesting hobby (that women would find interesting - think mountain biking, not video gaming). The goal is to be the best version of you that you can be.

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LOL, itís not Ben anymore, and how would you know this as I think the stories she reads for hours sets me up for failure in her eyes?
If your wife actually expects you to be a secret agent, or a pirate, or a billionaire, then she's delusional. Does she strike you as delusional, in general? If so, then she needs some real help. But I'm assuming she's an average housewife who's lost interest in her husband.

You've probably just gone too far over to the beta side. She's not into beta. She wants her alpha hubby back. Since there's not an alpha in the household to lust after, she turns to books. The thing about movies and/or books is, there really aren't any about the average height, average personality electricians with love handles, but just the right amount of alpha to start her engines. If she wants an alpha to lust after, and you're not giving it to her, then she has no choice but to read about spies, vampires, and other completely unrealistic heroes.

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Everyone suggests I do more, help at home more, improve myself, man up and all that. Sure Iím far from perfect as well as unattractive and shy but can improve, but what about her? It feels like an 80-20 split in effort for our relationship and Iím expected to do more?
That's just standard advice. And really, it's not all that helpful. If you both worked full time, and you came home from work and parked your butt on the couch and expected your wife to handle everything around the house, it might work. But that's not your situation. You actually do too much. You can do some yard work. But, if your wife's only job is to take care of the house, she should be able to do everything herself in much less than 40 hours a week. So stop picking up the slack for her.

When you work your butt off to provide for her, and then come home and do her chores, you're communicating that she has a higher status than you do. Women don't get excited about low status men. They want their men to be at least equal status, and preferably higher status, than they are. So you have to start acting like that.

Look better. Dress better. Become more interesting. And stop doing her job. She'll notice that. And she just might find it sexy.

And read Athol's book. He's got 344 pages to save your marriage and, as he puts it, "get you laid like tile."

Good luck.
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Old 10-03-2012, 12:02 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another 'smut vrs porn' and what's Ok and what's not

"@OMGFactsSex: 43% of women say the book ďFifty Shades of GreyĒ made their sex lives seem routine and boring by comparison."

"@OMGFactsSex: 44% of women prefer reading about sex versus actually HAVING sex."
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