Perhaps

Hello everyone. I am seeking advise perhaps from someone who was once in my situation. Me and my partner have been experimenting with mild BDSM with me being dominant and him being submissive. We didn't do anything extreme, we just spanked, whipped, used handcuffs. That stuff by itself is alright with me, I like to be pleased. I read a few things online about it and decided to give talking dirty a try. I calling him a slave, and used phrases like "lick my ____ slave, you know you like it" and he insanely loved it. We often have discussions about how we can improve, what we liked or did not like about sex that day. He always tells me that he loves when I am dominant, when I tell him what to do, when I use him and when I ask what I can improve he always say that I can be more dominant. But the problem is, I don't think that is who I am. I can't stand calling him names or telling him what to do like he doesn't want to do those things. I find that mean and degrading. He tried to assure me that it is just role playing and that I am not actually mean, but I just don't get it. How can you say something during sex but not actually mean it? Do words lose their connotations during sex?
And another thing, I have talked to him about it and he said we don't have to continue with this if I don't like it and that it is not everything to him. Yet, whenever I asked him about what he wants in our sex life, it was always the above answers. He wants it, and I can't deliver it, I hate being this mean degrading b*tch. I am afraid that I am not satisfying his sexual and he will find someone else who will. He says he will not ever leave me, yet, if he has unfulfilled sexual desires and someone comes along who can fill them, why won't he go after them?

If anyone has been in my situation and can provide some insight I would really appreciate it. Thanks

Shaggy

Have you tried setting boundaries on when you will do it, and do so dominantly?

What I mean is to tell him as his mistress that you will only dominate him when you choose to, otherwise her is trying to top from the bottom.

Then tell him no more than once every two weeks. If he pushes it, you'll make it 4 weeks.

In between just occasionally demand that he drop what he is doing, drop to hs knees and worship you.
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Shaggy

Another game that might take careof him, and give you some breathing room, is to have a particular piece of clothing, that when you wear it you are signalling you are in mistress mode. When your not wearing it, he has to love his partner. Things like a particular necklace, or fetish items like boots, gloves, leather skirts all work as the signal.
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shy_guy

I have some understanding here.

I am a gentle soul by nature, and I love pleasing my wife. I have real problems inflicting pain of any kind on her ... it's just not me. I love her and do whatever I can to make things nice for her.

If you find the thread "How would you classify your sex," you can see on the second page that I describe what I define as our "Wildly passionate sex." It involves her pushing me well beyond my comfort zone although it may not seem so wild to some. It involves her wanting me to bite her nipples, or to grab her head and be forceful during oral sex. This is REALLY not my style since I want to be gentle, and I can't really be as forceful as she wants. I bite her nipples, but I'm so gentle that she has to demand that I bite harder until it begins to satisfy that desire within her. Same with her wanting me to be forceful in the oral games. She has to signal me harder until I finally work up to being as forceful as she really wants.

I don't know what it is within her that stirs that desire, but I have a couple of kinks myself that she has to push herself to satisfy within me (see the thread "Where to fetishes come from.") Well, actually, she had to push herself to start with those, now, she loves them.

So what I think is that I will never like to hurt her, but I will continue to do the forceful things when she demands them. I will always be a gentle soul who dotes on his wife, and every time we start, she will have to cue me on being more forceful until I finally get to the minimum to satisfy that desire within her, while also satisfying myself that I am not really hurting her. She seems to understand that I'm not someone who can hurt her, and she is okay with signalling me to be more forceful until it begins to inflict just the right amount of pain for her to find it pleasant ... but I will never enjoy hurting her. I do enjoy pleasing her, and that creates a strange conundrum ...

I think it is possible in most situations to find a compromise that can satisfy both of you. In our case, she satisfies my kinks (willingly now, but it hasn't always been so), and I satisfy her kinks (tentatively, as I always have). It's something to work out, though. What I've begun to think is that I can satisfy something that I don't necessarily understand, and pushes me outside my comfort zone a bit, if she will continue to be adventurous with me in the areas where I need a little more adventure.

Can you think of it like I do? Can it work for the two of you like it is working for us?

EDIT: Thinking more: Maybe in our case, the fact that we don't enjoy hurting (or in your case dominating) our partner is part of what lets them trust us in this type of sex. In my case, my wife knows that I will not really hurt her, so it is okay for her to demand it because she knows I will only give the minimum. Maybe it creates an environment where she lives her fantasy while feeling safe.

Perhaps

Thanks Shy_Guy for your reply, this is probably the closest I have come to another person relating to me. You don't feel bad that you are using your wife in a condescending way? I have read your post int he "How would you classify your sex life" thread and it sounds like you don't, even though its doing things that are forceful. But, I guess I do because I actually start wondering how much of a **** human being I am to call my lover condescending names and treating him as a slave (not exactly what I should be thinking about during sex)

shy_guy

I guess for me, I recognize that people think of things in passion that they don't really want in the real world. I recognize within myself some of these things in the form of fantasy. When my wife wants me to be more forceful than I'm normally comfortable being, I recognize that as something she wants, and not something I'm normally comfortable being.

In the afterglow period, if it was a wildly passionate session, I spend time telling her how beautiful I think she is, and how I love her, and how I like pleasing her. It is nice for her, but it is also nice for me to reaffirm to her that I like being gentle and appreciating her. I don't directly contradict what she wanted during her passionate periods, but, for example, I don't think she's a ****, so if she wanted me to call her that, that gives me a chance afterwords to reaffirm to her that I think she's a lady without directly contradicting what she likes to hear in the passionate periods. I think that helps me to reaffirm to myself that I'm not thinking of her like that while reaffirming to her that I value her. Mostly, though, I do that because it's what she wants and not because that came from within me - so I'm helping her with her fantasy and not living out what's within me. I'll push her limits when it's my turn.

Passion is a funny thing. You have to give and take. Giving your partner what he/she wants in passion is not the same as being a jackass yourself. That's kinda how I think of it.

Enchantment

Hi Perhaps ~

I think that you and your partner should have a very frank discussion with each other about how you both really feel regarding this, and what each of your boundaries are in this area.

While exploring your sexuality together is wonderful, and pushing the envelope can be a good thing, if it starts to get to the point where it feels exploitive or disrespectful or if it pushes boundaries to the point where one starts to feel degraded or bad about it (as opposed to being uplifted), then it is a problem that you will need to address - and that will involve compromise on both you and your partner's part.

You don't mention how long you and your partner have been together, or whether or not you are married. But sometimes, certain things require a high degree of trust and respect in a relationship, in order for a person to feel free to truly explore some of the more hidden or darker parts of their sexuality. Evaluate carefully whether you and your partner are at that point of trust and respect with eath other. If not, then perhaps those need to be developed first.

Best wishes.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith