I dont enjoy sex with my wife
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-19-2012, 03:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I dont enjoy sex with my wife

I write this with extreme reluctantancy. My wife is hot, in fact, I get the looks of envy, and confusion when my wife and I go places. She loves me very much. I do love her most of the time. She loves sex and wants it almost daily. I find it almost a burden, a chore. I know how pathetic this sounds but the truth remains regardless of what my thoughts may be. I literally space out during sex, I spend the entire time trying to think of something that is exciting to me so I will actually finish. I hardly ever finish, may 5% of the time at best. I find sex, repulsive and undignifying. She always wants to talk about sex and I find it very uncomfortable. The only reason I do have sex with her is because I want her to be satisfied, and I worry about her cheating in the case she isnt. I feel cold most of the time, numb to most emotions in the relationship. I tell her I love her and I feel like a liar. I dont have alot of experience in relationships. I havent had many sexual partners because of my faith. I just dont enjoy it. Sex was always exciting in the begining of a relationship but fades quickly. Honestly, Im happiest when I am out of town working alone. She misses me and crys alot while I am gone. I feel a real disconnect because I feel exactly opposite. I do cherish the time we spend together, we touch, snuggle and hug alot. We are a very touchy couple and I get more out of that than sex and kissing combined. Im in my late 20s and I am more confused than I have ever been in my life. I am also a combat veteran, Im not sure that has anything to do with this or not. Any advice?
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Old 02-19-2012, 04:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

I would consider some IC and work on some of yr issues at your age you should be having the time of
Yr life my friend. Maybe get into some hobbies along with exercising etc
Set some short term goals to achieve and once achieved set increasing harder goals
And get excited about life.

Good Luck!!!!
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Old 02-19-2012, 06:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

You may have low testosterone. Ge to a doctor and get checked.
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Old 02-19-2012, 07:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

You sound very sexually repressed. You should really seek IC and get this taken care of. I've been there done that and OMG all the wasted years that I can never get back. My faith and the way I was brought up are to blame. Thats not to say you can't have your faith as well but life and faith are both balancing acts that you have to learn to master or they will master you.

there are others in here that will tell you the same thing as they have also been through it. I expect SA will be along anytime now to tell you the same but she will do a much better job. She has researched this kind of stuff to the nines.
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Old 02-19-2012, 07:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

A man in his late 20's not wanting sex every day with an admittably HOT wife -who you say you love (well "most of the time" ) feeling it is a burden & a chore ....and you admit you are the touchy feely type.....I'm very curious to help you figure this out......

You mention you get the looks of ENVY and confusion when you go out -- what is the CONFUSION about?

IF you had lower Testosterone levels, you would feel this in other ways, it would affect your ENERGY levels to some degree.... feeling more tired than normal, do you require ALOT of sleep ? Like falling asleep after work, you may feel a little depressed, brain fog at times, plus this would affect your desire for sex , you just wouldn't have the urge & lust of other men your age. (that part seems to fit) Do you get morning erections? Struggle with erections- to have sex with you wife near every day ? DO you masterbate in addition to sex with your wife? Or do you feel even that is repulsive? DId you do this before you married -how did you feel about that ?

Are are you taking any meds to interfere with your hormones working properly, saying you can only finish 5% of the time -some meds can delay ejaculation & make this much more difficult, we have a guy friend who takes adderall & his wife told me it takes him like an hour to get his, it wears her out. (But he still loves sex ). Many depression meds can also zap the sex drive terribly.


Any relationship RESENTMENT built up in the marriage - you did not seem to hint to this in any way, other than her loving sex & wanting to talk about it all the time. She can probably feel your reluctance and it hurts her, that is like a rejection to her. If you want a fullfilling marraige in all ways, you will need to overcome in these areas...get to the root of this problem.

Quote:
I find sex, repulsive and undignifying. She always wants to talk about sex and I find it very uncomfortable. ......

The only reason I do have sex with her is because I want her to be satisfied, and I worry about her cheating in the case she isnt. I feel cold most of the time, numb to most emotions in the relationship. I tell her I love her and I feel like a liar. I dont have alot of experience in relationships. I havent had many sexual partners because of my faith. I just dont enjoy it.
I am confused on whether you love your wife or not at this point... You said you DO, then you said "MOST OF THE TIME", and here you say you feel like a liar??

Why do you feel COLD and NUMB to emotions ? Is this with others in your life as well, family -friends, in addition to your wife?

Of course Stonewall is right, I am thinking the whole time.... Sexual repression , sexual repression...

What faith are you ? Do you feel what you were taught has led to unhealthy sexual hang ups ?? To some of us who take our faith very seriously, we can't seem to cross the bridge fully in "adventerous freedom in sex " after the marraige -if we have been too indoctrinated by "putting down the flesh" while dating. I had issues to a small degree, but I still loved the pleasure at the same time - just took on alot of guilt for enjoying it. I've read stories where other felt so wrong about desiring sex before marriage, they felt their was something wrong with them, they prayed to the point of wanting these feelings of lust to go away --then found their whole psyche turned OFF to wanting or enjoying the act. Very sad, they did need extensive counseling as it affected their marriage badly, intimacy was lost in addition.

Sex is one of the most beautiful things God has created, we need not feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it , express how it feels and to want to show our deep love in this way. I can't think of anything more freeing in existence to overcome fully in this area....what a blessing to a marraige!!

Sexual Guilt

Without A Clutch: From Sexual Guilt to Sex Positive

If your faith is Christian, this is a great book on the beauty of sex in marriage >>> Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books
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Old 02-19-2012, 07:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

You may be asexual. There are websites out there you can investigate. Some folks just aren't that interested in sex, plain and simple.
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Old 02-19-2012, 10:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by john smith28 View Post
I write this with extreme reluctantancy. My wife is hot, in fact, I get the looks of envy, and confusion when my wife and I go places. She loves me very much. I do love her most of the time. She loves sex and wants it almost daily. I find it almost a burden, a chore. I know how pathetic this sounds but the truth remains regardless of what my thoughts may be. I literally space out during sex, I spend the entire time trying to think of something that is exciting to me so I will actually finish. I hardly ever finish, may 5% of the time at best. I find sex, repulsive and undignifying. She always wants to talk about sex and I find it very uncomfortable. The only reason I do have sex with her is because I want her to be satisfied, and I worry about her cheating in the case she isnt. I feel cold most of the time, numb to most emotions in the relationship. I tell her I love her and I feel like a liar. I dont have alot of experience in relationships. I havent had many sexual partners because of my faith. I just dont enjoy it. Sex was always exciting in the begining of a relationship but fades quickly. Honestly, Im happiest when I am out of town working alone. She misses me and crys alot while I am gone. I feel a real disconnect because I feel exactly opposite. I do cherish the time we spend together, we touch, snuggle and hug alot. We are a very touchy couple and I get more out of that than sex and kissing combined. Im in my late 20s and I am more confused than I have ever been in my life. I am also a combat veteran, Im not sure that has anything to do with this or not. Any advice?
Hi john smith ~

Your poll didn't have an option that fit me, so I didn't vote in it. (I fantasize about youth, energy, and health.)

Have you always felt like this, or is it something that has gotten progressively worse?

Have you ever been evaluated for depression or PTSD?

Does your lack of zest go past the sexual, into other areas of your life and your relationship?

Best wishes.
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by solitudeseeker View Post
You may be asexual. There are websites out there you can investigate. Some folks just aren't that interested in sex, plain and simple.
Could be Asexuality >> Asexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Quote:
Asexuals, while lacking in sexual desire for any gender, may engage in purely emotional romantic relationships.....Terms concerning this are:

aromantic: lack of romantic attraction towards anyone
biromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of two different genders – the romantic aspect of bisexuality
heteroromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of a different gender – the romantic aspect of heterosexuality
homoromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the same gender – the romantic aspect of homosexuality
panromantic (also omniromantic): romantic attraction towards person(s) of any gender or lack of gender, including persons of nonbinary gender – the romantic aspect of pansexuality
transromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of variant or ambiguous gender – the romantic attraction to transgender or intersex individuals
polyromantic: romantic attraction towards multiple, but not all, genders and gender identities– the romantic aspect of polysexuality
demiromantic: romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection beforehand (the term does not express the gender of these persons)
Test's here asexual test - Google Search

*********Ok Cupid Tests give you these 4 results..********

1. Aromantic Asexual-- It seems that you are perhaps the most steriotypical Asexual. You dislike sex and dislike standard romances. Likely asexuality doesnt bother you as it is hardly a concern. "What the hell is wrong with people" is probably something you thought once and a while when people where relating thier stories of love and conquests. American society is alien to you and you are alien to it.

2. Aromantic Sexual

3. Romanic Asexual-Argueably the hardest Asexual to be. You love and want love romanticly and seek a prince or princess to live happily ever after with, at least for a time, but you get burned by thier groinal needs, which you cannot relate to. Such asexuals have to compromise thier orientation by sleeping with thier partners, seek asexual partners, or suffer agonizing loneliness. Also Gay, Bi, or straight orientation can apply to you: it is who you fall for romantically rather get within them sexually though.

4. Romantic Sexual
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

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Originally Posted by john smith28 View Post
I am also a combat veteran, Im not sure that has anything to do with this or not.
It probably has everything to do with this. You need counseling to figure out what's going on. My bets on ptsd.
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Old 02-19-2012, 01:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

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I am also a combat veteran, Im not sure that has anything to do with this or not.
I also think that this underlies your issue. How was your sex drive before you enlisted, just for comparative purposes?
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Old 02-19-2012, 10:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I dont enjoy sex with my wife

ok simplyamorous..... You have asked many questions, so I will try and answer most of them. I say envy and confusion because most people judging my wife and I would say she is out of my league as far as physical appearance. Thats not saying that I am ugly, because I am not. I would like to think I am a self aware man and know that i am average maybe a little above average as far as a physical appearance goes. My wife is a trophy wife. She is a very beautiful woman and Im your average hard working middle class man.
I have never had a erection problem, Im have erections even when i dont want them.. haha I think one of the major issues is, i dont enjoy sex because I almost never finish. So I figure why get it started with the race when you cant finish it. I can finish by myself but with her its like going to the gym and working out before you go to bed. I say I find it repulsive, that may be a stretch... repulsive is a strong word. I would find sex frustrating i guess.
When I say I love my wife sometimes, thats exactly what I mean. At times i feel real strong love emotions for her, and then other times I feel like she could leave and it would have no effect on me at all. I used the words numb and cold. I feel that way not just about her but with friends, sister, father, mother ect... I feel disconnected from everyone, because I am disconnected from them. Not all by my own doing. My father has never loved me in my opinion and Ive grown to accept that. Its a hard notion to consider but not all daddys love their children. My sister and I havent gotten along since the day I was born. My mother and I are somewhat close, but I am away working so much that its difficult to spend time together. Im a bible believeing christian, Im closest to a baptist, but I do not believe in infant baptism as a means of salvation. I dont feel like my beliefs have had a impact on sex with my wife or my desire to do so.
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Old 02-19-2012, 10:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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MSP- my sex drive is about the same, but it did have an effect on me. I dont believe in a medical treatment for PSTD. I think psychologist do the most good. I think PTSD is a entirely normal response to an extreme experience. Heres what I believe, what happens in war, happens. Although horrible things happen, they serve their purpose regardless if I understand it or not. Just accept what has happenned and move on. They are like birds, look at them and watch them as they fly over, but never let them make a nest on your head....
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Old 02-20-2012, 03:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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MSP- my sex drive is about the same, but it did have an effect on me. I dont believe in a medical treatment for PSTD. I think psychologist do the most good. I think PTSD is a entirely normal response to an extreme experience. Heres what I believe, what happens in war, happens. Although horrible things happen, they serve their purpose regardless if I understand it or not. Just accept what has happenned and move on. They are like birds, look at them and watch them as they fly over, but never let them make a nest on your head....
I have thought long and hard before answering this. I am a former Rifleman and did two tours in Northern Ireland during my service. I see what you are saying, and I accept that it is a valid view.

However, are you absolutely certain that you have been able to (in you own words) truly "...accept what has happenned and move on..."? Do you need to ask yourself if you have gone past it all, and double-check that you have?

You might genuinely believe you have done so, but this isn't like a blast injury - all the bits you pick up that affect how you can operate don't show up on an x-ray.

Sometimes them old birds build their nests where they want, no matter what you tell 'em.

Good Luck,

SB
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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"haha I think one of the major issues is, i dont enjoy sex because I almost never finish. So I figure why get it started with the race when you cant finish it. I can finish by myself but with her its like going to the gym and working out before you go to bed. I say I find it repulsive, that may be a stretch... repulsive is a strong word. I would find sex frustrating i guess".

John I would also maybe see your medical doctor as well as seeking IC.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by john smith28 View Post
ok simplyamorous..... You have asked many questions, so I will try and answer most of them. I say envy and confusion because most people judging my wife and I would say she is out of my league as far as physical appearance. Thats not saying that I am ugly, because I am not. I would like to think I am a self aware man and know that i am average maybe a little above average as far as a physical appearance goes. My wife is a trophy wife. She is a very beautiful woman and Im your average hard working middle class man.
I have never had a erection problem, Im have erections even when i dont want them.. haha I think one of the major issues is, i dont enjoy sex because I almost never finish. So I figure why get it started with the race when you cant finish it. I can finish by myself but with her its like going to the gym and working out before you go to bed. I say I find it repulsive, that may be a stretch... repulsive is a strong word. I would find sex frustrating i guess.
When I say I love my wife sometimes, thats exactly what I mean. At times i feel real strong love emotions for her, and then other times I feel like she could leave and it would have no effect on me at all. I used the words numb and cold. I feel that way not just about her but with friends, sister, father, mother ect... I feel disconnected from everyone, because I am disconnected from them. Not all by my own doing. My father has never loved me in my opinion and Ive grown to accept that. Its a hard notion to consider but not all daddys love their children. My sister and I havent gotten along since the day I was born. My mother and I are somewhat close, but I am away working so much that its difficult to spend time together. Im a bible believeing christian, Im closest to a baptist, but I do not believe in infant baptism as a means of salvation. I dont feel like my beliefs have had a impact on sex with my wife or my desire to do so.
Have you always had delayed ejaculation, or is this something new?

Is there any reason why you can't enjoy the other parts of intimacy with your wife, and then finish yourself off? My H does not have delayed ejaculation very much, but occasioonally it has happened. It is a frustrating thing for both partners, for sure. When it does happen, he continues on for my enjoyment, and then sometimes has to work himself over for his. Makes me feel a little bad that I can't get him there, but I do like to watch him - but like I said this happens not often for us.

And John, do you masturbate on your own a lot? Sometimes guys who do that are de-sensitized to some extent and can't 'get there' with a woman. If you do masturbate a lot, have you ever tried to stop for a period of time, and then see how it goes?

Best wishes.
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