How it affects me...
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-19-2012, 11:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How it affects me...

After writing my post in "Long Term Success in Marriage" I figured it would also make sense to do one that's similar here...

This is more for me wishing I could one day have the courage to tell my H these things. Hoping also that my frustration could help those husbands out there who deprive their wives of sex understand a few things that maybe their wives are scared to tell them or have tried but have failed to break through the walls.

==========================================

Sex, while an awesome feeling, is also how I feel emotionally connected to my H.
For me, being a highly sexual person (always curious and eager to please) I love every feeling that it produces. All your senses are awake...it's just...fantastic. But what isn't obvious is the feelings of attractiveness, closeness and absolute love for me that only sex can bring. When H pleases me, I feel as if he loves me enough to be attentive to my needs and really paying close attention to how my body is reacting to what he's doing. When he looks at me, I feel that he is concentrating on how beautiful I am and how attracted he is to me.

When sex or even flirting about it is taken away from our relationship, for whatever reason, makes me internalize it even though I know it isn't always about me. After weeks without it, I feel unattractive, I begin to doubt whether or not he still feels that way about me and I begin to feel horrible about myself.

Saying no, repeatedly sends more than just the message of no.
When I hear no, ok fine, I'll just slink into bed with a bruised ego and quite possibly, satisfy myself. Rejection after rejection makes me feel like you no longer care about my needs. That my needs aren't as valuable as yours. Then when you're in the mood, having sex is finally ok? What you're telling me is this: MY needs are not important to you but when you're ready, then my needs will be addressed when I require my needs to be fulfilled.

This often leads to me being temporarily satisfied but because you're already in the habit of thinking only of your needs, once you're satisfied, you've completely forgotten that I would also like to be pleased. I am often left cursing myself to giving in to you. You are now satisfied enough to continue the next round of a sexless period while I am STILL left unsatisfied and now more frustrated than ever before.

When I bring it up nicely because I'd like to tell you how it affects me, you accuse me of being selfish then proceed to tell me that I'm shallow for thinking that our marriage is only based on sex.
This is so far from the truth. Not only have you shot down my previous advancements and killed my self confidence because of your rejection, you are now making me feel like a complete idiot for thinking my needs are of any value.

=========================================

Yes, sex is sex and it's fantastic. But sex with my husband, who I have ALL my emotions invested in, is far beyond just sex... it's how I reconnect with my husband. It's how I tell him I love him above and beyond any other form of love (brotherly, sisterly, friendly...etc.). I need it to feel like the one and only man I choose to spend the rest of my life with still finds me attractive above all other women.

Don't get me wrong, the rest of our marriage is great; some parts need some work over time and a majority of the time it's great.... so why is there such a problem in this area?

Thanks for letting me vent. I now have a huge weight off my shoulder and I now know what to tell my H if I should one day have the courage to tell him.

And for the record...yes, I have tried to tell him and yes, that is what I was made to feel when I tried to talk to him about it. I was shocked and had no idea how to respond until now. oh and YES, I have initiated... over and over again. Rejection continued.. over and over again so I have now given up. There's only so much of it I can handle....

And so continues the saga... of the sad little cat...
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Old 02-19-2012, 04:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How it affects me...

I'm glad you vented. I'm very sorry you are treated like this and are made to feel like this. This is one of those posts that just make me sigh and wish I had some magic little formula that would make it all better for you, but I have to admit, I don't.

If I had a suggestion based just from what you wrote (and not knowing whether or not you have already tried or to what degree), it might be to begin the conversation with telling him all the things that he does that you think make the marriage good. Compliment him on those and make sure he knows that you see those things and appreciate those things. From there, while he feels appreciated, begin the conversation that tells him that there is one area where you are so frustrated and really need improvement, and share with him the things you have shared here. If he finds that he is just lacking in desire, then maybe in such a conversation where he feels appreciated, he may consider such things as possibly a low testosterone level or other things that may affect his desire.

I know it would break my heart to think I had left my lady frustrated. I know I'm not every man, and not every man will react the same way I have, but I can hold out hope that he will ...

At the end, I once again sigh, think I haven't been able to offer much, and wonder why I bothered to post ... I really do hope it will get better for you. I have really appreciated the other posts you have made, and am glad you posted this as well.

Best wishes.
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Old 02-19-2012, 05:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How it affects me...

Barbie,
Thanks for having the courage to post this.
I'm sorry to say that reading this made me GASP, as I have felt the same way many many times.

I realised not long ago that most people consider this behavior self-centered. Bordering on naricisstic. And it expands to other areas of their lives. Work, for example.

I do hope you are able to express this to your husband.

I have chosen to give up on my husband. I no longer expect any of my needs to be met, I'm tired of being disappointed. I am done. I would not kiss him, never mind have sex with him. I just want him out of my life, forever. Yesterday I worded it this way.... the behavior you describe above is how you would treat a fvuk buddy.
Only when you are in the mood, not required to meet any relationship needs.

I'm waaay better than that.
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Old 02-19-2012, 05:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How it affects me...

There are men you would kill to have a woman with a passion for what you just wrote... In some cases, to have a woman that cares 10% of it even... Or at all.

Your husband to way too lucky... You, not so much.

Threads like these make me lament how often such giving and sexual people wind up with the complete opposite instead of someone alike. It's like owning a farm and putting wolves and sheep in the same pen every night... It doesn't make sense, and it's sad to read.
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Old 02-19-2012, 06:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How it affects me...

shy_guy: I am a strong believer in letting everyone I love know how much I appreciate them. Some might call it lame and I know even some roll their eyes... but personally... I'd hate for people to wait until they're dead to be cherished. I have told him very often how much I appreciate him and how grateful I am to have him in my life... not really much else I can do but vent .

deejov: I'm sorry to hear that it didn't end very well for you but on the flip side, I commend you for loving yourself enough to say, "Enough is enough". I am just in the beginning stages and already terrified. I'm grasping to find a fix because I really don't want to lose my husband.

Interlocutor: Thank you for your sentiments. As lucky as my husband is to have me, I am equally so, except in this regard. I fear that this is just something my passion cannot fix and it pisses me off that I haven't a clue how to fix it.

If people could just open their eyes, ears and their hearts and TRULY pay attention to each other.... *sigh*
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Old 02-19-2012, 08:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How it affects me...

Saying no, repeatedly sends more than just the message of no

Of course it does. That's the point. People aren't stupid, just evil. I think if people were honest, truly honest, half of them would admit that they married their spouse to torture them.
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Old 02-20-2012, 07:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How it affects me...

Quote:
Originally Posted by barbieDoll View Post
After writing my post in "Long Term Success in Marriage" I figured it would also make sense to do one that's similar here...

This is more for me wishing I could one day have the courage to tell my H these things. Hoping also that my frustration could help those husbands out there who deprive their wives of sex understand a few things that maybe their wives are scared to tell them or have tried but have failed to break through the walls.

==========================================

Sex, while an awesome feeling, is also how I feel emotionally connected to my H.
For me, being a highly sexual person (always curious and eager to please) I love every feeling that it produces. All your senses are awake...it's just...fantastic. But what isn't obvious is the feelings of attractiveness, closeness and absolute love for me that only sex can bring. When H pleases me, I feel as if he loves me enough to be attentive to my needs and really paying close attention to how my body is reacting to what he's doing. When he looks at me, I feel that he is concentrating on how beautiful I am and how attracted he is to me.

When sex or even flirting about it is taken away from our relationship, for whatever reason, makes me internalize it even though I know it isn't always about me. After weeks without it, I feel unattractive, I begin to doubt whether or not he still feels that way about me and I begin to feel horrible about myself.

Saying no, repeatedly sends more than just the message of no.
When I hear no, ok fine, I'll just slink into bed with a bruised ego and quite possibly, satisfy myself. Rejection after rejection makes me feel like you no longer care about my needs. That my needs aren't as valuable as yours. Then when you're in the mood, having sex is finally ok? What you're telling me is this: MY needs are not important to you but when you're ready, then my needs will be addressed when I require my needs to be fulfilled.

This often leads to me being temporarily satisfied but because you're already in the habit of thinking only of your needs, once you're satisfied, you've completely forgotten that I would also like to be pleased. I am often left cursing myself to giving in to you. You are now satisfied enough to continue the next round of a sexless period while I am STILL left unsatisfied and now more frustrated than ever before.

When I bring it up nicely because I'd like to tell you how it affects me, you accuse me of being selfish then proceed to tell me that I'm shallow for thinking that our marriage is only based on sex.
This is so far from the truth. Not only have you shot down my previous advancements and killed my self confidence because of your rejection, you are now making me feel like a complete idiot for thinking my needs are of any value.

=========================================

Yes, sex is sex and it's fantastic. But sex with my husband, who I have ALL my emotions invested in, is far beyond just sex... it's how I reconnect with my husband. It's how I tell him I love him above and beyond any other form of love (brotherly, sisterly, friendly...etc.). I need it to feel like the one and only man I choose to spend the rest of my life with still finds me attractive above all other women.

Don't get me wrong, the rest of our marriage is great; some parts need some work over time and a majority of the time it's great.... so why is there such a problem in this area?

Thanks for letting me vent. I now have a huge weight off my shoulder and I now know what to tell my H if I should one day have the courage to tell him.

And for the record...yes, I have tried to tell him and yes, that is what I was made to feel when I tried to talk to him about it. I was shocked and had no idea how to respond until now. oh and YES, I have initiated... over and over again. Rejection continued.. over and over again so I have now given up. There's only so much of it I can handle....

And so continues the saga... of the sad little cat...
Wow,for the most part this is me, just insert wife in place of husband.......
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