After writing my post in "Long Term Success in Marriage" I figured it would also make sense to do one that's similar here...
This is more for me wishing I could one day have the courage to tell my H these things. Hoping also that my frustration could help those husbands out there who deprive their wives of sex understand a few things that maybe their wives are scared to tell them or have tried but have failed to break through the walls.
========================================== Sex, while an awesome feeling, is also how I feel emotionally connected to my H.
For me, being a highly sexual person (always curious and eager to please) I love every feeling that it produces. All your senses are awake...it's just...fantastic. But what isn't obvious is the feelings of attractiveness, closeness and absolute love for me that only sex can bring. When H pleases me, I feel as if he loves me enough to be attentive to my needs and really paying close attention to how my body is reacting to what he's doing. When he looks at me, I feel that he is concentrating on how beautiful I am and how attracted he is to me.
When sex or even flirting about it is taken away from our relationship, for whatever reason, makes me internalize it even though I know it isn't always about me. After weeks without it, I feel unattractive, I begin to doubt whether or not he still feels that way about me and I begin to feel horrible about myself. Saying no, repeatedly sends more than just the message of no.
When I hear no, ok fine, I'll just slink into bed with a bruised ego and quite possibly, satisfy myself. Rejection after rejection makes me feel like you no longer care about my needs. That my needs aren't as valuable as yours. Then when you're in the mood, having sex is finally ok? What you're telling me is this: MY needs are not important to you but when you're ready, then my needs will be addressed when I require my needs to be fulfilled.
This often leads to me being temporarily satisfied but because you're already in the habit of thinking only of your needs, once you're satisfied, you've completely forgotten that I would also like to be pleased. I am often left cursing myself to giving in to you. You are now satisfied enough to continue the next round of a sexless period while I am STILL left unsatisfied and now more frustrated than ever before. When I bring it up nicely because I'd like to tell you how it affects me, you accuse me of being selfish then proceed to tell me that I'm shallow for thinking that our marriage is only based on sex.
This is so far from the truth. Not only have you shot down my previous advancements and killed my self confidence because of your rejection, you are now making me feel like a complete idiot for thinking my needs are of any value.
Yes, sex is sex and it's fantastic. But sex with my husband
, who I have ALL
my emotions invested in, is far beyond just sex... it's how I reconnect with my husband. It's how I tell him I love him above and beyond any other form of love (brotherly, sisterly, friendly...etc.). I need it to feel like the one and only man I choose to spend the rest of my life with still finds me attractive above all other women.
Don't get me wrong, the rest of our marriage is great; some parts need some work over time and a majority of the time it's great.... so why is there such a problem in this area?
Thanks for letting me vent. I now have a huge weight off my shoulder and I now know what to tell my H if I should one day have the courage to tell him.
And for the record...yes, I have tried to tell him and yes, that is what I was made to feel when I tried to talk to him about it. I was shocked and had no idea how to respond until now. oh and YES, I have
initiated... over and over again. Rejection continued.. over and over again so I have now given up. There's only so much of it I can handle....
And so continues the saga... of the sad little cat...