Tired of husband's sexual perversion
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-22-2012, 06:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Tired of husband's sexual perversion

We have been married for the past 10 years. Right from the beginning we have disagreed with each other about everything.

Our sex life has been erratic at best. Sometimes we have sex every other night which lasts for a week at most then after that he wont come near me for almost a month or two. I am tired of always initiating sex and being the needy partner. He has told me many times that sex with me is not very satisfying though he has not given me any reasons. He also says that he has to fantasize about other women to actually climax.

Once about 3-4 years back when I was out of town with our child (then 5 years old) he tried propositioning my sister for sex. She refused of course and he tried it again with a friend of mine who is divorced. I learnt about this from him. He admitted to all his faults and said he felt bad about the things he had done. I came to terms with this and later forgave him. Now recently, by accident I came to know that when I was sleeping in another room he showed his private parts through our drawing room window to a young girl (about 20 years old) who was jogging outside. She was upset and brought her mother to deal with it. Of course my husband somehow managed to fend off the mother by saying it wasnt intentional. When I confronted him about this he said that he wouldnt do it again and then later admitted that he had already done it once some months before to the same girl! He said he couldnt help but get aroused by watching her jog.

I am very upset by this and cannot come to terms with living with someone who can behave in this lewd manner. I dont know what to do. My daughter (now 9 years old) will be very upset if we get separated or divorced. Also, I am not the earning member of the family so what would I do if we go our separate ways? Please do give me some advice on what I should do. Is behaviour like this normal with many men?
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Old 02-22-2012, 07:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostandfrustrated View Post
We have been married for the past 10 years. Right from the beginning we have disagreed with each other about everything.

Our sex life has been erratic at best. Sometimes we have sex every other night which lasts for a week at most then after that he wont come near me for almost a month or two. I am tired of always initiating sex and being the needy partner. He has told me many times that sex with me is not very satisfying though he has not given me any reasons. He also says that he has to fantasize about other women to actually climax.

Once about 3-4 years back when I was out of town with our child (then 5 years old) he tried propositioning my sister for sex. She refused of course and he tried it again with a friend of mine who is divorced. I learnt about this from him. He admitted to all his faults and said he felt bad about the things he had done. I came to terms with this and later forgave him. Now recently, by accident I came to know that when I was sleeping in another room he showed his private parts through our drawing room window to a young girl (about 20 years old) who was jogging outside. She was upset and brought her mother to deal with it. Of course my husband somehow managed to fend off the mother by saying it wasnt intentional. When I confronted him about this he said that he wouldnt do it again and then later admitted that he had already done it once some months before to the same girl! He said he couldnt help but get aroused by watching her jog.

I am very upset by this and cannot come to terms with living with someone who can behave in this lewd manner. I dont know what to do. My daughter (now 9 years old) will be very upset if we get separated or divorced. Also, I am not the earning member of the family so what would I do if we go our separate ways? Please do give me some advice on what I should do. Is behaviour like this normal with many men?
if he keeps doing this he most likley will end up in jail.

no it not normal for adult men to flash joggers!

tell him he needs help or your out of there.
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Old 02-22-2012, 07:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

Your husband is a pervert, and crass. Your daughter will be just fine if you get divorced, especially when she knows what he did. What a perv!
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

Honestly, I don't think flashing is as bad (don't get me wrong, it's totally unacceptable but...) as asking your SISTER for sex.

Unless they had a relationship before.

If your husband would do these things before talking to you or wanting you, you really can start thinking about leaving.

It will be more trauma for your daughter if she finds out Dad is having sex with neighbor, aunt, or her best friend when she grows up. I am sorry to paint this horrible picture, but it seems totally feasible.

Note: I just noticed the OP's location is India. I have no idea about the culture and customs there, so you can take my words with a grain of salt. However, here in US, or in my country (I am Chinese), having sex with a sister-in-law is not within the norm.

Last edited by jennifer1986; 02-22-2012 at 11:10 AM. Reason: to add a note
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

Aside from the flashing--which is weird and not good at all--this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostandfrustrated
Our sex life has been erratic at best. Sometimes we have sex every other night which lasts for a week at most then after that he wont come near me for almost a month or two. I am tired of always initiating sex and being the needy partner. He has told me many times that sex with me is not very satisfying though he has not given me any reasons. He also says that he has to fantasize about other women to actually climax.
Is very likely to be due to this:

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Originally Posted by lostandfrustrated View Post
Right from the beginning we have disagreed with each other about everything.
Can you give some examples to clarify the above quote?
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

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Originally Posted by lostandfrustrated View Post

. Is behaviour like this normal with many men?
Hi L & F Sorry you here this behavior is not normal I would suggest he have some IC to address this area as well as other areas that you have mentioned.

Good Luck
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

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Originally Posted by lostandfrustrated View Post
Right from the beginning we have disagreed with each other about everything.

He has told me many times that sex with me is not very satisfying though he has not given me any reasons. He also says that he has to fantasize about other women to actually climax.

Once about 3-4 years back when I was out of town with our child (then 5 years old) he tried propositioning my sister for sex. She refused of course and he tried it again with a friend of mine who is divorced. Now recently, by accident I came to know that when I was sleeping in another room he showed his private parts through our drawing room window to a young girl (about 20 years old) who was jogging outside.

and then later admitted that he had already done it once some months before to the same girl! He said he couldnt help but get aroused by watching her jog.

I am very upset by this and cannot come to terms with living with someone who can behave in this lewd manner
Then leave.
You are raising your daughter in a house with a man who has zero respect for women.
Ew.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hmmm....I can't count the number of times that I have propositioned my sister-in-law and flashed strange women.....since I have never done it

What strikes me is the risk taking element. He either has no fear of getting caught or his behaviour is compulsive. Either way unless he sees it as a problem you have no future together as husband and wife. I would also be very worried about what you don't know.

In your situation the first step might be to quietly consult with a lawyer to find out your rights in the event of a divorce.
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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From the outside looking in this is way way WAAAAY more pathological than it looks to you. I mean, come on, who the hell wanders around masturbating in public and demanding sex of female relatives?

Registered sex offenders, that's who.
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Runs is right again. Flashing is a crime that could have him need to register as an offender. Asking for sex from a relative or friend is really demeaning to you. What happens when your daughter is 16 (or younger) and her friends are around. I really feel for you, life has dealt you a lemon.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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You should not allow yourself to be hostaged to this situation. You should let him know his conduct is intolerable, demand that he seek help (he seems to be to far out there to fix himself), and let him know you will leave unless he commits to changing. Recommend you start planning an escape route. Start looking for a jog and developing skills to get employed. You are not giving yourself enough credit. YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Reach out to family and/or friends or organizations that can give you temporary help as you transition out of the relationship if he will not commit to seeking help.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

Since I don't know the laws in India, would you get any kind of spousal support if you divorce him? Could you at least get support until you can get a job and/or some skills training or any education you would need to get a job that would support you?

Perhaps it's time to check this out and find out how to protect yourself and your daughter.
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Old 02-24-2012, 01:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

Thank you people for all your advice. At least now I know I am not over reacting or anything.

Ive been thinking about leaving since quite some time but I am worried that I wont be able to provide my daughter with the same kind of standard of living as I am now. Also, as many of you might know, Indian culture does not allow for separation and divorce so easily as the western world. Its still a male oriented society out here. Also, since my husband puts on a very good show for others, his family and friends might never even believe me with these accusations. Having said that, since he went to my sister once, my family does believe me and is willing to support me.
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Old 02-24-2012, 03:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you people for all your advice. At least now I know I am not over reacting or anything.

Ive been thinking about leaving since quite some time but I am worried that I wont be able to provide my daughter with the same kind of standard of living as I am now. Also, as many of you might know, Indian culture does not allow for separation and divorce so easily as the western world. Its still a male oriented society out here. Also, since my husband puts on a very good show for others, his family and friends might never even believe me with these accusations. Having said that, since he went to my sister once, my family does believe me and is willing to support me.
It is true that your standard of living will likely suffer. But, I think you know that this is just something you will have to work through. It probably won't be as bad as you fear. So glad to hear your family is on your side. That's a huge help.
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tired of husband's sexual perversion

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Originally Posted by lostandfrustrated View Post
Thank you people for all your advice. At least now I know I am not over reacting or anything.

Ive been thinking about leaving since quite some time but I am worried that I wont be able to provide my daughter with the same kind of standard of living as I am now. Also, as many of you might know, Indian culture does not allow for separation and divorce so easily as the western world. Its still a male oriented society out here. Also, since my husband puts on a very good show for others, his family and friends might never even believe me with these accusations. Having said that, since he went to my sister once, my family does believe me and is willing to support me.
Divorce is frowned upon in Indian society, especially if the woman walks away.

Your husband is sick and clearly needs help.
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