I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-22-2012, 12:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

We're in our mid-50's, been married 22 years, one teenager. I'm still as hot for my wife as much as when I first met her. I think about making love with her all day, every day.
We have sex once or twice a week, which is great, but the problem is that although she will help me out, she doesn't want to participate in anything. That is, I can touch, feel, lick and enjoy myself with her while I masturbate.
She says she just wants me to be happy, and that she's fine.
I feel guilty. My position is that lovemaking is a give-give activity and I feel that she's giving of herself, but I'm just taking something without reciprocating. We haven't had regular intercourse in months.
Am I making too much of this?
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

Why haven't you had intercourse?

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Old 02-22-2012, 01:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

Has your wife gone through menopause? If she's in her mid-50's, she could be experiencing a lot of vaginal dryness. As women age, and their hormones decline in their body, the vagina thins and lubrication decreases and for some, their libido can decline precipitously.

Ask her if she is having issues with those things, or if she is experiencing pain and discomfort now. A trip to the ob-gyn could potentially help her in those cases.

Best wishes.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

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We're in our mid-50's, been married 22 years, one teenager. I'm still as hot for my wife as much as when I first met her. I think about making love with her all day, every day.
We have sex once or twice a week, which is great, but the problem is that although she will help me out, she doesn't want to participate in anything. That is, I can touch, feel, lick and enjoy myself with her while I masturbate.
She says she just wants me to be happy, and that she's fine.
I feel guilty. My position is that lovemaking is a give-give activity and I feel that she's giving of herself, but I'm just taking something without reciprocating. We haven't had regular intercourse in months.
Am I making too much of this?
If it is truly bothering you, then I guess you are not making too much of it.

Some people can make peace with a lopsided sex life.

You need to appreciate that you seem to have a loving caring spouse. Many women in her situation wouldn't care about your thoughts and feelings about sex, they just wouldn't want to be bothered by it.

However, maybe it is just a deficiency on my part, but it wouldn't be enough for me if she had no interest on her own.I do need to feel some energy or excitement on her part.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

Yes, to all of the above.
She is going through menopause, and she has always had pain at the vaginal entrance. Lubrication helps at the initial stages, but then it still gets painful and we have to stop and move on to something else. Her ob-gyn said it's a common problem called vaginismus that can be reduced with exercises.
But here's the thing: she's too shy to do the exercises and as long as I'm satisfied with the alternatives, she's ok with it.
I figure that our current situation is a result of reduced libido together with avoiding pain.
But my problem is that she's not a full participant in our lovemaking (which I understand given the above), and she's just "Letting me" do my thing.
It's like playing hand-ball by myself (pun very much intended).
Don't get me wrong, just the thought of laying beside her beautiful body still gives me the willies and I have such mind-blowing orgasms with her, I swear my heart is going to burst.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

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But my problem is that she's not a full participant in our lovemaking (which I understand given the above), and she's just "Letting me" do my thing.
It's like playing hand-ball by myself (pun very much intended).
Don't get me wrong, just the thought of laying beside her beautiful body still gives me the willies and I have such mind-blowing orgasms with her, I swear my heart is going to burst.
Perhaps there isn't much that can be done but to tell her how you are feeling..particularly the latter part.

But not in a way to make her feel inadequate or to blame her but just to know how it feels for you and that you appreciate that she does care.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

Is she still able to have an orgasm? Or is she also not having an orgasm and so she does not get much pleasure out of the experience?

And what happens outside of the bedroom? There can be a lot of intimacy cultivated between a couple that doesn't involve sex and could also be satisfying. The entire 'experience' can last much, much longer than just a session of sex. You may want to explore how foreplay throughout the day could work for you - being attentive, flirting, etc.

I am not familiar with the kind of exercises that she is supposed to do for vaginismus. Is it something you can help her with or incorporate in to your love play? If she's shy, I could see her not wanting to do that in front of you. But, if she won't even do it on her own, to me that suggests that she is simply not interested - not shy.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel guilty because my wife doesn't ask for anything (but keeps me satisfied)

Oh yes, I've told her often and with sincerity how much I appreciate what she let's me do. Again, she gives me the feeling that she's happy that I'm happy.
The exercises involve putting her finger into her vagina, doing pelvic pushes, and after some time, putting two fingers, etc. I suppose it's meant to relax the muscles and not react negatively to something being inserted. The doctor says it has to her fingers so she gets the physical feedback and can learn how to relax the muscles in the area. Sure, I would like nothing more than to participate; it brings me back to my original issue about wanting to do something that makes her feel good.

With regards to intimacy outside the bedroom, well, I can't walk past her without touching her somewhere, or sneaking a kiss, or "accidentally" doing a bump & rub. She laughs, I laugh, she likes it and knows what I'm up to.
But, of course, I guess I could see how it may be that she is simply not interested, but still wants me to be happy.
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