Help - almost sexless marriage

Jeff74 · 02-23-2012, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cupcake37

Hi Judydarling,

Not sure I can offer much advice, but just wanted to say hi and let you know that you are not alone. Reading your posts and how you feel sounds very similar to my position. I am 37, been married for 5 years, am in good shape, look after myself and my husband is never interessted in sex. It absoluetely kills me and I too cry myself to sleep at night.

I have two young children and I know if I didn't have them I would have left him by now. I feel robbed. Like your husband my husband never tells me he loves me, I look nice, nothing. i feel very lonely and unloved and some days I convince myself I can live like this for the sake of the children and then otherdays I get upset. I see other couples and think why can't I have that? I honestly can't imagine being with a man who couldn't keep his hands of me, not sure if I would know what to do. It has reached a stage now where I have just shut off from him and am seriously considering finding somebody else as this is killing me.

Hope you are o.k and keep posting, you are not alone XX

I understand how you feel as I am a husband around your age in a sexless marriage. The way to deal with it if you choose not to leave is to remember that no one can dictate your happiness. It took me a long time to realize this. Your husband's actions/inactions should not be "killing" you or causing you to cry when you go to sleep. Once you get to the point where you realize you are an independent person who does not need your husband's affirmations to feel good, you will realize all that there is to be happy about in life.

I know it is easier said than done, but you can stay married if you choose AND also be happy in life even if your husband stays the way he is. However, if you really feel so miserable about the situation and neither you nor your husband are willing to change your expectations, then you would be better off leaving even though that is hard to do.
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Blondboy44 · 02-23-2012, 05:33 PM

My sympathies, but I just don't understand why people get so mismatched, including me. It drives me crazy that there are all these high drive women out there and I have been with one most of my life who is low drive. Its just not fair.

isla~mama · 02-23-2012, 06:20 PM

judydarling, since you did have a good sex life before your tragic loss I think there is hope for you. Obviously the loss triggered something in your husband. Are you certain he's not being unfaithful? Anecdotally, it's my impression that affairs can stem from tragedy. The only thing I can suggest is that you snoop on his computer and phone activities-- at least then you'll know if he's even looking at porn. If he is looking, at least he has some sort of sex drive left.

If he's jumping out of bed to the shower with an erection each morning, he's masturbating in there, is my guess.

Cupcake37 · 02-24-2012, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeff74

I understand how you feel as I am a husband around your age in a sexless marriage. The way to deal with it if you choose not to leave is to remember that no one can dictate your happiness. It took me a long time to realize this. Your husband's actions/inactions should not be "killing" you or causing you to cry when you go to sleep. Once you get to the point where you realize you are an independent person who does not need your husband's affirmations to feel good, you will realize all that there is to be happy about in life.

I know it is easier said than done, but you can stay married if you choose AND also be happy in life even if your husband stays the way he is. However, if you really feel so miserable about the situation and neither you nor your husband are willing to change your expectations, then you would be better off leaving even though that is hard to do.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hi Jeff,

thanks for your reply. Yes, I know you are right, easier said than done though. I have days where I am very confident and happy and don't need him to tell me that but then some days things just get on top of me and I feel so alone and just that I am missing out on some much. I honestly feel that I have given him the best years of my life and what a waste! I honestly don't see myself leaving him because of the children so I had better get used to it really, stop moaning and learn to live with it! X