Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
First of all, I can breathe a big sigh of relief at finding this forum. Phew. I have been googling and trying to figure out what to do for so long.. I just really need advice.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. We have a 10 month old son. I'm 28, he is 30.
My problem is this. The only thing we ever argue about is sex. He never wants it. We usually only have sex once a month, and I'm starting to feel that it's out of obligation.
I hate this. I would be more than happy to have some sort of sexual contact every day.
This isn't a new issue. We've fought about it for about 4 years now, ever since I was pregnant the first time (our daughter was stillborn)
He always has a reason, however weak it may be. After our daughter passed, it was because I was too depressed, and he felt like he was 'bothering' me. So I worked on it. I went to counselling and eventually came out of my depression.
Then the next time the fight came up there was another reason, and there always seems to be some excuse.
I've asked him numerous times and he says it isn't me. But really? I'm starting to think that it is. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep, and need to think of ways to make this better.
Thank you, and a big gold star for you if you made it through all of that.
Thank you for replying. Sorry if I should have added more info in my original post. My mind is just so scattered with this.
No physical/mental reasons that this is occuring. Has no problem getting erections, mostly in the morning in which case he jumps out of bed and into the shower.
He had a full physical/blood screening when we were attending a fertility clinic to conceive our son. Hes healthy as a horse.
I dont *think* he looks at porn either. Or at least not very often.
The only thing I can think of is that it's me he's not attracted to. He doesn't tell me I'm beautiful except for when we argue. He's never ever said "my wife is gorgeous" or anything that you hear men say about their wives.
I am so broken up over this. Last time we had this argument about the lack of sex life (just after Christmas) I told him I would never bring it up again, but I would just leave.
Sometimes it becomes a habit 'not' to have sex, just like you can have a habit to 'do it'. A great book is The Sex Starved Wife and it gives great advice. You can find it on the divorcebusting.com website. I found it extremely enlightening
Contrary to popular myth there are some men with a modest sex drive. If there has been no significant change in his health there would probably be signs of it in his past behaviour. Typically that means little sexual experience in his past.
But if he was an enthusiastic partner for at least several months, and it suddenly changed then perhaps he has unresolved issues surrounding the still birth of your first child.
What is his explanation? Are you guys able to have this kind of conversation without it becoming a fight? Are you able to get him to open up without him feeling like he is being pressured?
It sounds like he loves you, and need to find a way to get on the same team to deal with this issue.
He wanted to avoid me leaving at all costs.
When we do have sex, it's pretty...... vanilla. Plain, boring.
Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful, wonderful husband in every other way. He's an amazing father, and in truth, my best friend.
I'm at such a loss. I'm miserable and I've tried so many times to communicate that over the past few years that I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.
Since you have said he is a wonderful husband in every other way, an amazing father and your best friend (wow that's a lot of compliments!) maybe you could just try to focus less on the sex aspect of your relationship? Not sure if you are able to do that but since you think of him so highly, perhaps you could give it a try. It might just make you less miserable and help you to relax more since you won't be so focused on this one aspect of your marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
Not sure I can offer much advice, but just wanted to say hi and let you know that you are not alone. Reading your posts and how you feel sounds very similar to my position. I am 37, been married for 5 years, am in good shape, look after myself and my husband is never interessted in sex. It absoluetely kills me and I too cry myself to sleep at night.
I have two young children and I know if I didn't have them I would have left him by now. I feel robbed. Like your husband my husband never tells me he loves me, I look nice, nothing. i feel very lonely and unloved and some days I convince myself I can live like this for the sake of the children and then otherdays I get upset. I see other couples and think why can't I have that? I honestly can't imagine being with a man who couldn't keep his hands of me, not sure if I would know what to do. It has reached a stage now where I have just shut off from him and am seriously considering finding somebody else as this is killing me.
Hope you are o.k and keep posting, you are not alone XX