My wife and I are in love since we got married 14 years ago. We get along perfectly and are very happy. Sex was great but it kind of stopped happening when we got our first child. During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times. The sexless marriage is making me depressed with frustration. My wife has even decided to become asexual and when I told her that this cannot be good for our marriage, she said that she would do anything to keep our marriage, even allow me to have sex with anyone else. I suggested that we see a therapist but she strongly refused. What to do?
bobb! You describe a really tough situation to be in.
The important points from your two posts so far are:
1) You are in love with your wife since the two of you got married 14 years ago.
2) You think your wife is in love with you since the two of you got married 14 years ago. You're wrong about this one.
3) The sexless marriage is making you depressed with frustration, but not making you so frustrated that you are prepared to start over fresh.
4) Your wife will do anything to save her meal ticket (that would be YOU, bobb) except have sex with you or do counseling or otherwise try to change things.
5) In addition to not caring about your physical needs, your wife doesn't-love you so much that she doesn't care if you have sex with other women.
6) You are at a loss of what, exactly, you should do in order to change things so that you get more sex with your wife.
If you love this woman you married so much that you can't stand to be without her, buy lots of kleenex and use them for crying into or cleaning up after yourself as the need arises. And get used to the idea of life without sex with your wife.
If this notion strikes you as totally sucky and stupid, maybe you can find some inspiration at Married Man Sex Life, and I hear No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great book for nice guys like yourself.
The basic problem is that I have this horrible suspicion that "manning up" is not going to work because your wife just flat out doesn't love you, care about you, or have any interest in having a sexual marriage with you. But she does appreciate you paying her bills.
The best thing you can do, IMHO, is read up on setting boundaries, then set some up with her that require sex. If that's too bold for you, set the boundary lower, at "you have to go to MC with me to work on this, and we need to be having sex X times per month by the month of Y."
If that approach is still to bold for you, go back to the part about buying kleenex and head for the store.
Good luck. You obviously have the patience to see this through. You also are the only one who can decide whether or not you are willing to live like this.