Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-23-2012, 01:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

My wife and I are in love since we got married 14 years ago. We get along perfectly and are very happy. Sex was great but it kind of stopped happening when we got our first child. During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times. The sexless marriage is making me depressed with frustration. My wife has even decided to become asexual and when I told her that this cannot be good for our marriage, she said that she would do anything to keep our marriage, even allow me to have sex with anyone else. I suggested that we see a therapist but she strongly refused. What to do?
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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My wife and I are in love since we got married 14 years ago. We get along perfectly and are very happy. Sex was great but it kind of stopped happening when we got our first child. During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times. The sexless marriage is making me depressed with frustration. My wife has even decided to become asexual and when I told her that this cannot be good for our marriage, she said that she would do anything to keep our marriage, even allow me to have sex with anyone else. I suggested that we see a therapist but she strongly refused. What to do?
Divorce her.

You don't have a wife, you have a roommate
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

Look a little closer and you may find that she is only suggesting that which she is doing.
A "sexless marriage", baring physical complications, (i.e. one spouse missing all limbs, is prevented from using their organs in that fashion, including lack of the ability to open one's mouth) is CLEARLY not a marriage.
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

'she would do anything to save the marrige,' except seek counseling, or have sex with you??

The open marriage suggestion sounds like a cop-out. Why do you think she is treating you that way? People don't just wake up one morning and 'decide to be asexual,' like joining a cult. The whole thing sounds fishy.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

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'she would do anything to save the marrige,' except seek counseling, or have sex with you??.
Yes anything except these 2 things that actually matter.

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The open marriage suggestion sounds like a cop-out. Why do you think she is treating you that way? People don't just wake up one morning and 'decide to be asexual,' like joining a cult. The whole thing sounds fishy.
She joined some feminist movement a few years ago, since then sex has just evaporated from our marriage, but all the other good things that we share are still here. I am 100% sure that she is not unfaithful.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

Hi Bobb what if your best friend asked you the same question about his circumstance what kind of advice would you give him ??
Since she is unwilling to work on the M I would start the D process myself

Good Luck
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

"she would do anything to save the marriage"

Her actions do not match her words. Need to bump back at her on this point.

My take is she has lost her respect for you, consequently she is no longer attracted to you, but likes her life just the way it is. In Athol Kay's words, you may need to destabilize the relationship in order to get her to reset her priorities and reawaken her attraction for you. No guarantee of success, but understand that doing the same thing over again and expecting different results is the functional definition of insanity. You need to shake things up a bit... Excellent guidance can be found elsewhere on this site and at Athol Kay's site.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Yes anything except these 2 things that actually matter.



She joined some feminist movement a few years ago, since then sex has just evaporated from our marriage, but all the other good things that we share are still here. I am 100% sure that she is not unfaithful.
What kind of feminist movement would have their supporter cast away femeninity? This sounds more like a nunnery than a simple rights movement.

You need to man up, badly, and deem all of this to be unacceptable, if such a state truly is to you.

You are still the other half of the marriage. You still have equal input into the marriage. It seems to me like your wife, conversely, makes decisions for the both of you.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by bobb View Post
My wife and I are in love since we got married 14 years ago. We get along perfectly and are very happy. Sex was great but it kind of stopped happening when we got our first child. During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times. The sexless marriage is making me depressed with frustration. My wife has even decided to become asexual and when I told her that this cannot be good for our marriage, she said that she would do anything to keep our marriage, even allow me to have sex with anyone else. I suggested that we see a therapist but she strongly refused. What to do?
bobb! You describe a really tough situation to be in.

The important points from your two posts so far are:

1) You are in love with your wife since the two of you got married 14 years ago.

2) You think your wife is in love with you since the two of you got married 14 years ago. You're wrong about this one.

3) The sexless marriage is making you depressed with frustration, but not making you so frustrated that you are prepared to start over fresh.

4) Your wife will do anything to save her meal ticket (that would be YOU, bobb) except have sex with you or do counseling or otherwise try to change things.

5) In addition to not caring about your physical needs, your wife doesn't-love you so much that she doesn't care if you have sex with other women.

6) You are at a loss of what, exactly, you should do in order to change things so that you get more sex with your wife.


Well.

If you love this woman you married so much that you can't stand to be without her, buy lots of kleenex and use them for crying into or cleaning up after yourself as the need arises. And get used to the idea of life without sex with your wife.

If this notion strikes you as totally sucky and stupid, maybe you can find some inspiration at Married Man Sex Life, and I hear No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great book for nice guys like yourself.

The basic problem is that I have this horrible suspicion that "manning up" is not going to work because your wife just flat out doesn't love you, care about you, or have any interest in having a sexual marriage with you. But she does appreciate you paying her bills.

The best thing you can do, IMHO, is read up on setting boundaries, then set some up with her that require sex. If that's too bold for you, set the boundary lower, at "you have to go to MC with me to work on this, and we need to be having sex X times per month by the month of Y."

If that approach is still to bold for you, go back to the part about buying kleenex and head for the store.

Good luck. You obviously have the patience to see this through. You also are the only one who can decide whether or not you are willing to live like this.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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What kind of feminist movement would have their supporter cast away femeninity?
All of them.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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During the last 5 years we have had sex a total of 4 times.
This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores.

If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores.

If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.
If a woman doesn't feel that, she shouldn't be wasting a man's time and committment with marriage.

A man doesn't feel like having sex when he's doing the same, going to work, raising his kids, and household chores either, but most WOULD MAKE the time when they're DONE with that.

SPOUSES have to be patient with their SPOUSES, none of that patient and loving husband crap, please. The wife is NOT SPECIAL. Husband and wife are BOTH important.

MOST men, maybe not your husband, sign up for an EQUAL marriage, where BOTH partners take the time to initiate, feed, and nourish the marriage's sex life.

And in the case that you're the only one doing all the chores, raising the kids, etc, combined with what you said that sex is the last thing on your mind, then you have TWO strikes against you. Both are dysfunctions of your own neglect and responsibility. It's YOUR responsibility to see that you are being helped at home, and it's YOUR responsibility (along with your husband's) that your marriage has sex in it. That's not his job to uphold while it's last on your mind.

Thankfully, my own wife is as responsible as me with making sure we are both having sex. I would never have married her otherwise... And we BOTH raise our son, and we BOTH do chores, and we BOTH get tired, but we BOTH, including HER, make sure we're screwing.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

Marriage is all about doing things we don't feel like in order to keep things going. The only thing that is different about sex is that with sex you are supposed to enjoy it or at least act like you enjoy it. being ready for sex is a life skill just like riding a bike or managing finances. It's not something you should just be able to opt out of because you don't feel like it!

There's only so many times you can "not feel like" doing the dishes before the kitchen starts to be unbearable. You can put it off every now and then, but eventually it'll be a problem.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by amegirl View Post
This is like my marriage. But unlike you Mr. Selfish, my husband understands that a woman doesn't feel like having sex when she has to take care of two pre-school kids, maintain a full-time job and several household chores.

If your wife is also overwhelmed by life's responsibilities, there is no wondering why she isn't in the mood for sex. I'm a good wife, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I'm glad that I have a patient and loving husband.

You can`t be serious.

We have 3 kids my sex life has never suffered due to them.

I pity your doormat husband.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife suggesting I get my sex elsewhere

lesbian?
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