Wife insults penis size (some questions)
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-23-2012, 09:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife insults penis size (some questions)

Background:
We've been together for 7 years, married for 4.

The first time she ever said this was in December, and for the 2nd time in 2 months, my wife chose to go there again a few days ago. Of course I didn't like it the first time but for some reason it was easy to get over, because I thought it was a fluke. However, this second time it really infuriated me and I lashed out by sharing this info with her family via facebook (including her mother, sister, and grandparents) to get back at her. In turn, her mother called her and told her to get out of the house because she said it sounded like I had snapped. She has stayed with her mother for the last few days.

What happened:

Specifically, she said I was smaller than her last partner (her BF from 7 years ago). The first time, she said she could get off more easily and in a lot more positions. She said I wasn't wide enough to fill her completely. The second time she said "I guess it's true, big egoes make for small penises. Oh, and not only is it too small, but it's too soft. No girl is going to feel satisfied".

To be honest, both times were during really big fights during which I told her I wanted a divorce (which by the way, she has said in fights a lot more than I have). I think she was antagonizing me into saying it, but that's a question for another thread.

Questions:
Anyway, I guess my first question is whether that kind of deliberate attempt to hurt someone's masculinity is OK when you're at the end of the ropes? I mean, I know it's not OK - but how far is it on the spectrum? Divorce worthy?

My second question is whether women just say this sort of thing for effect? I ask because my research says I'm average to above average, and unless her last BF was significantly wider, I don't see why average is bad. To be perfectly frank about it - I'm 6.75" long and about 4.8" in girth around the base, 4.3" at the top and 4.5" at the midpoint. I had been getting somewhat more soft than before, but I think it's mostly the result of her going off birth control and me having to wear a condom. Did she mean what she said? I mean she said it twice now, so I guess it's gotta be something that she's been thinking about.

I guess my next question is about size and softness in general. I mean, I'm not giant girthwise which is what it is, but now I'm concerned that she's got a legitimate beef in complaining that I hit her cervix sometimes but don't fill her. Also, the softness thing bothers me... it didn't used to be like that. Condoms are one factor, but maybe age is another. I feel like I have been more soft even when masturbating.

Lastly, she has no contact with her ex-BF and I'm certain he's not a threat of any sort but I confronted her about a coworker via email and this is what she wrote:

Quote:
I'll just tell you how I feel as honestly as I can. I don't want you to feel hurt though, or to think that it's more than it is. I won't deny that I kind of have feelings for him, and that I have even thought about him in a sexual way (though not fantasizing about him while we were having sex, or anything like that) I will also be honest and say that I have kind of imagined what a life with him would be like (maybe in sort of the same way you did with that girl XYZ), because I kind of see him as being someone trustworthy, someone who would be a good partner and father maybe.
Now, that's a bit alarming. But I also want to be up front and say that I've had an emotional affair of sorts via e-mail with a former coworker that we've gone to counseling about. In short, I told her personal secrets, spent a lot of time talking to her, told her I was attracted to her, and wrote her a poem once detailing how this attraction was negatively affecting my relationship with my wife, who i love. I NEVER told this woman I loved her, that I was going to leave my wife, or that I even preferred her company to my wife's. I was wrong, and crossed the line for sure, but did I cheat? I'm not sure. Anyway, I know this is all getting messy but what I'm getting at is that I've done WORSE than she in respect for what she feels for this man.

I guess what I'm concerned about is her feelings for this very tall, well-physiqued coworker(you know big feet, big hands, broad shoulders, plays hockey - it might make her think ....) and her sudden interest in penis size for the first time in our marriage. Am I reaching here?

I know it's a lot. But I think it's worthy of discussion even if it doesn't help me decide what to do. Thanks to everyone in advance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Additional Info:

Since there has been a lot of speculation and a few posters saying there's not enough info to sort it out, here's some more background.

Finances: Someone implied it was because of money, but it's not. I have never made more money than her except for during college when I worked part time to pay both of our most basic bills (car insurance, gas money, phone bills, food, etc.). Since then, she's outearned me by a ton. However, I've never stayed with her because of cash. When I asked for separation, I was unemployed and had to leave the country to find work - but I did it because I felt I had to. Since getting back together, she's had a salary about 30-35% higher than me.

I will admit that we got married partly because of finances. I don't really believe in marriage (and she agreed with me on this when we met), though I do believe in monogamy and lifelong relationships that are supportive, secure, and nurturing. I just don't believe you achieve that by signing a paper and wearing a ring. Anyway, we got married because we wanted a long-term relationship and marriage had a lot of financial benefits and made us a legitimate couple to our families.

Separation: I initiated separation 2 years ago, and it lasted 10 months. At that point, there had never been any infidelity of any sort but I was being questioned about every close female acquaintance. She said it was because our relationship was unstable. One day, after she questioned my sole relationship with a friend of mine in a foreign country where I was unemployed, I told her I couldn't take it anymore and left. During that time, I did some small dating (which we had established was OK) but never told her about because I knew it would hurt her. It never went beyond a short kiss, but she later found out and has been holding it against me since. After about 5 months of being together again, is when the emotional affair happened and we have been doing counseling for 6 months since then. We never made any progress. The counselor said I need to be more understanding and patient, and told her she needed to decide whether she trusted me or not, and if she chose to trust me that we should look forward and not back. Since the emotional affair, she has once again started questioning my female acquaintances. Just a week ago, during a night out dancing with people from our dance classes she accused me of having inappropriate feelings with 3 different women from the class. I handled that well, but when she asked me what I would do if I had liked them better than her... a question with no right answer, I kind of snapped. This is a typical dynamic for us - she gets insecure, I try to ignore it or placate her, it continues and she escalates the questions, I tell her we're getting into argument territory, she accuses me of withholding and I get angry, she says some nasty things and I finally snap. With the negative energy finally out, we make up and the cycle begins again.

Our relationship: We both love each, and I think the fact that we've tolerated so much from each other shows that. We have a fairly decent sex life, but we have communications issues (which sometimes lead me to feel distant physically for short periods of times. Even when things are going well though, I feel like any slightly negative thing I say begins an escalation war or begins an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes even innocent topics begin this roller coaster and so I've mostly tried to avoid any serious topics because I'm afraid of a fight starting from something like disagreeing on what's a good book or saying that her friends act inappropriately. That's really the core of the problem, but every time I've tried to be honest it's turned out backfiring because she reacts so negatively and emotionally that it just creates more conflict. Aside from that, we get along great. We're playful, interested in what the other has to say, supportive and don't compete in our relationship. However, this single dynamic has ruined our relationship and this last time it sort of pushed so far that it's hard to make up the way we usually do.

Umm, so... a lot of info now - but I'm not sure if it helps.

Last edited by marriedguy2; 02-24-2012 at 08:21 PM.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

Go ahead and get that divorce you've been thinking of. This woman has absolutely NO RESPECT for you.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

No Respect = No Marriage
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

The fact that she's at the point of insulting you like this while also comparing you to a prior BF and that you're both tossing around the word "divorce" pretty freely... I think paints the picture on wall pretty clearly.

Your relationship is in some serious trouble, and I don't know if it's even worth fighting for only to stay with such a verbally-abusive, demeaning woman.

Divorce is a serious step and needs serious consideration... but having your manhood reduced in comparison to another man is downright cold-blooded and might very well be the final blow in helping you make a decision here. I think if I were in your shoes that would be the final straw for me anyway.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

Thanks for the replies, I truly do appreciate anyone who takes the time to answer. However, it seems to me like you guys are awfully quick to come to that conclusion. This is a relationship of 7 years, and you're willing to say that this is bad enough to warrant a divorce. It seems that this is awfully harsh and without any explanation. Did you guys read the part about the emotional affair?

Last edited by marriedguy2; 02-23-2012 at 10:21 PM. Reason: Edit to add that I hit submit before the 3rd poster answered.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

You are looking elsewhere and she doesn't respect you. What is left?
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

Sounds like both of you were looking outside the marriage at various points. Add to that that she was being deliberately cruel and disrespectful to you. She is testing you and daring you. Was it you or her that posted to facebook? Sounds like you. Ya'll are on a runaway train. Unless you can find the brakes fast, jump. You at least need an honest broker (e.g., an MC) to get to a point where you can have an honest conversation without crazy jacked emotions.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

I'm sorry that our answers were not to your liking but in order for a marriage to be viable it needs love, respect and trust. Remove just one and the marriage begins to die. So unless the two of you get on the ball to save your marriage, its days are numbered.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

Quote:
My second question is whether women just say this sort of thing for effect?
This has nothing to do with 'women'. Your wife is ONE woman and only she is responsible for what she says.

Her saying that is rude and obviously meant to hurt you. And you buy into it. So I guess it worked for her.

If it's gotten to this point your marriage is over. She does not respect you and has found a trigger to make you feel bad.. it's working.

Why are you staying around and letting yourself be mistreated this way?
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

Any woman who would say such a cruel thing to her husband is one sorry a*s wife, and your even sorrier for putting up with it.

Show her de door.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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RUN!!!!!!!!!!

i would not even call her that word "wife"

yeah you should not use that word

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Old 02-23-2012, 11:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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you are both screwed imo this is a unhealthy relationship man it is you are both in a terrible relationship. It should not come to this i just think you two are terrible from each other just by what you have told me. This does not happen to this degree in actual good marriages that are HEALTHY.

You best leave man
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

Is she talking to her ex again?

Rather strange behaviour. Rude and disrespectful.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:38 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marriedguy2 View Post
This is a relationship of 7 years, and you're willing to say that this is bad enough to warrant a divorce. It seems that this is awfully harsh and without any explanation.
You asked us if this was enough to warrant a divorce. Based on whatever details you're giving us to draw analysis from, we're pretty much in agreement that it does warrant it.

I understand 7 years is a lot to throw away, but some key points in your post indicate that your relationship has eroded to the point where it is in most cases beyond repair. You and your wife use the "divorce" threat on each other frequently. That is so toxic to your relationship. And now she's attacking your manhood trying to make you feel insignificant by saying you're not big enough or hard enough to please her sexually. And she's adding insult to injury by comparing your penis to a man she was previously intimate with, just to make sure she seals the deal on squashing your manhood like a grape.

You want to stick around with this woman why??? I don't care if this was a 30 year relationship... I'd tell you the same thing. This doesn't sound like a loving, caring person who will be forever looking out for you and your needs for the rest of your lives together. She sounds like a vindictive person looking to piss you off to the point of driving you away.

People who are having trouble in their relationships but still have respect for each would never stoop to such abusive levels like she has done to you. These comments are designed to hurt you beyond repair.

Imagine how she would feel if you told her that she doesn't please you because her vagina is dry and she's a bad lay, and your ex GF was so much better in bed. Think she'd still be sticking around with you???
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife insults penis size (some questions)

I do appreciate all the responses, even if most weren't the type I wanted or expected. I guess it is what it is, and I guess what started as a divorce threat of mine will become a reality. I know I'm not the only one at fault here, but it still sucks.

One thing though that I want to be clear about is that I haven't been perfect - I've called her insane before, which is a trigger for her (though I didn't do it on purpose) and I've initiated a separation in the past that lasted 10 months. In in addition to what she calls an "emotional affair" and what I would call inappropriate behavior at the LEAST.

Also, I'm 100% sure she's never cheated or even thought about it. I know some people are overly trusting, I know because it's beyond obvious. So, those who are claiming she's cheating with the ex-BF are way off, especially because of the fact that it doesn't work out geographically. She was saying that to hurt me, not because she's cheating.

Anyway, if anyone has anything else to say, I'm still listening and thanks to those who have been helpful so far.
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