SprucHub

While I do not agree that wanting sex a few times a day is not "normal", I think needing sex a few times a day and pouting without it is immature or a symptom of something - sex addiction or another need he is unaware of not being met. [I am mid 30's and want sex every time I see my wife. However, I get sex about every time I see a comet - an exaggeration.]

That said, is it the masturbation or porn use that bothers you? Without the porn, it is really just a physiological act, like scratching himself. Would you say a married man should not have to scratch himself? Porn, for many men, is just a lubricant - a backscratcher that moves things along. But, many women find it offensive and an intrusion into the marriage.

If he wants full on sessions, and is ok not masturbating, then it may not be just the sex he is after. That is, he is trying to emotionally connect to you in a way that he intuitively understands. Maybe reading a book on connecting emotionally will help ease his need. 5 love languages, while I think base, may help.

Also, you do not owe him for providing for you. It is what you agreed to. He wants to provide for you the same way you want to provide for him. I work, my wife is a SAHM. She works hard, her job is demanding. It is our money, not mine.

Now, I am going to check an astonomical calendar.

FirstYearDown

Nothing wrong with married people masturbating, as long as it doesn't interfere with a couple's sex life.

I do it. Certainly not multiple times a day because I get enough sex and I don't have time to touch myself all day. Girlfriend has sh!t to do.

HappyHappyJoyJoy

I definitely don't want to give off the impression that he doesn't compromise because he does. He truly is a great heart. His job is demanding, and just the idea of having the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner would be too much for me to bear if the table was turned. He comes home from a hard day of work and makes dinner (EVERY day...he loves to cook), puts down the kids, and never complains. He really is a great person.

Given the frequency of sex we've had in the past, the mere fact that we don't have sex every day is a hell of a compromise in my book. I also realize, however, that it's not okay to be so frustrated when we skip a day.

He has cut down his sexual intake tremendously in an effort to make me happy. But it doesn't come without a cost. That cost is his frustration. I see from the responses that even that is unreasonable. I have a lot to think about and discuss with hubs.

@SprucHub, you are right in many ways. He has even told me he feels duped into believing I was his sexual match. But what he, and maybe you, don't understand is that to me I AM his sexual match. Even others in this discussion have said that no woman can do what I've done. And yet I do it out of the love of my marriage and my husband. Why is it that because I need a break that all of a sudden I'm the bad guy? I liar?

Where you are wrong is in my intention. I never intended on changing my sexual habits with him. I thought I could hang. I never imagined it'd become difficult. The reality is I want to make my husband happy, and if it meant a whole lot of sex my thought was hey. I can do that. Now that we've reached this point I simply don't have anything left. Hell, even a baby, who breast feeds upward of 20 times a day in the beginning is eventually weaned to other forms of nourishment. I guess I thought it would eventually die down. Some.

As for the question on what part of masturbation bothers me, I can easily say it's the porn. I get that porn helps move things along, but I think it's been a thorn in our marriage in that there's an expectation set on what should be done in bed. Or could be done in bed. Plus, I like to think I can satisfy him enough to not need to watch other women doing other men. I laugh at the idea that he could masturbate without porn. So, the only option is to cut out masturbation. But I am perfectly willing to rethink that given your comment, Spruc. You've helped to clarify masturbation.

I think it's important to also point out that we've been together since we were 21 years old. So before then we really did not have many 'adult-like' situations. I think a lot of our sexual experience was part of us growing up together. It should be considered that where we are today could be the natural progression of things.

Thank you all for your responses and help. This forum is a life...or shall I say marriage...saver.

tacoma

She said so in her OP.

Now as a woman you may not see it this way but trust me, from a mans point of view this is a bait and switch.

In those early days did the OP go ahead and "satisfy his needs" without telling him it was really too much for her?
If so why?

I think I already know the answer I`m just curious.

Please understand I`m not bashing the OP and I do think her H is off the charts with his sexual needs but I am pointing out a valid complaint he most likely will have with this situation.

Edit:

And here is the validation of my assertion.

He`s not in the wrong here.
If she led him to believe this was going to be their normal sex life from the beginning he has a valid case for a bait & switch.
It will cause resentment.

MSP

I almost guarantee that if he can give up the porn his desire will normalize. That will be tough for him, but possible. I suspect he's addicted to porn.

HappyHappyJoyJoy

@tacoma, you sound very much like my husband. My last response should've also been directed to you. I do agree with the idea that my actions could be viewed as a bait and switch, but in actuality it isn't. It's unreasonable to believe that anyone can spend a lifetime satisfying an HD man's sexual needs without some level of burnout. And if you ask me, it's a freak of nature to not burnout.

No, I never disclosed the sex was too much for me in the beginning. That's because it wasn't. That's what I'm having a hard time getting hubs to understand, and I have a feeling you're in the same boat. The fact is I enjoyed pleasing him (and still do) as much as he needed. But I mean c'mon. How valid is it to complain about a woman needing a break? A woman who obviously is perfectly willing to give you what you want if you can, in return, give us what we want.

Have you ever considered that it's the HD's actions that led to the feeling of sex being too much? Because if it wasn't too much in the beginning, there was obviously a fray somewhere along the line. And the sexual downfall isn't the fault of the HD's spouse's urge to please his/her spouse. You would think the friendship between the two could sustain the relationship just as much as sex. Why is it that sex is the marriage? How could you possibly be frustrated with the person who loved you enough in the first place to give you what you wanted?

Mavash.

If it's a sex addiction and I believe it is then it's his crutch, causes his selfish behavior and he is a bottomless pit of neediness.

He's frustrated because you're attempting to stop enabling him. He needs to find other outlets to release stress and anxiety. There are other ways you know besides having sex morning, noon and night.

Most women can't keep up with that forever.

nader

This is not directed at anyone in particular, but I think everyone should have the experience of being both HD and LD within the same marriage so the other person can understand how it feels.

I've often wondered what would happen if my drive plummeted while my DW's drive skyrocketed at the same time.

Mavash.

I agree with this and I've actually had the benefit of being on both sides. Was HD until perimenopause then became LD.

It's much much easier to be LD no doubt. Honestly I do not miss my drive as my husband is still LD. I can only dream that his drive skyrocketed (never going to happen) because I probably would totally get even.

HappyHappyJoyJoy

Although a joke, this is so unsettling. I wish it wasn't looked at as getting even, as if being the opposition is a choice.

SomeLady

What I objected to was your assertion that she did this in order to trick him. To hook him. To land a husband. It sounds to me like she did what she could because she loved him. She also said earlier that she thought this was normal for men. I got the impression that she felt a woman's job is sexually satisfy her man as much as he wants her to.

While he may feel let down that the sex isn't on tap like it used to be, that's really not the same thing as her pretending to be a porn star just to hook a guy.

Tall Average Guy

While I would not necessarily use the term bait and switch, it is clearly a big change in position, and one that has the strong possibility of leading to resentment. If a husband, through natural thought and consideration, decided that he did not want children, whereas before he did, it would no less of an issue. Even if unintentional and well meaning, these changes really destablize a relationship.

With all that being said, what the husband is asking for seems excessinve. I am very HD, and the regiment described makes me exhausted even thinking about it. It seems MC and perhaps IC for him to help address how he deals with stress, as it appears that sexual release is his manner of choice.

Interlocutor

The fact that the OP is HERE, leads me to believe that if we're going to call this a bait and switch, which it IS, then we have to be fair to the OP and understand that the switch or "change"/shift/whatever was unintentional.

OP is in a ****ty situation because in her own words, which I really believe, she "thought she could hang."

She really tried. She knew what she was getting into, she assessed it carefully, and she was confident that she was capable of handling it... It does not make you a bad person to "bite off more than you could chew." It happens to the best of us. The evil bait n' switches are those that are intentionally carried out with tricking the partner as the PURPOSE instead of an unintended result.

I don't think she did anything wrong, but I don't think the husband is doing anything wrong either. There are many couples HERE that have sex daily, sometimes more than once... But they can handle that. We don't say they're addicted.

Now, how do we get them to match again?

The husband works, and cooks when he gets home, and helps out with the kids. I can't imagine why he wouldn't deserve his sexual match unless he just didn't pick correctly.

He did pick correctly because she was that way, but she now wants a break.

I think both spouses can make efforts to meet more in the middle, he gets a bit less sex than he wants, she gives a bit more...

But the OP has no right to tell him not to masturbate if she's not giving him what he needs. That is petty.

And how the heck can he have a sex addiction? It's NOT interfering with his life? People with porn addictions have problems with helping their spouses, going to work, fulfilling responsibilities, etc.

This husband works, cooks/cleans, does his share of the parenting, what more could he be doing??? He sounds very responsible and he can clearly keep tabs on his own life. I don't believe he is addicted, sorry, just very very HD.

Mavash.

My story is nothing like yours so don't let me make you unsettled. My husband NEVER TRIED to meet my needs. In fact he cut me off. THAT is why I'd be tempted to get even (btw I wouldn't do that - I'm not childish - it was a joke).

Mavash.

He gets pouty, annoyed and pissy when he doesn't get it. THAT is a problem.