Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My marriage is the most important thing to me. So, I will begin by saying divorce is absolutely not an option and never will be. I am happily married to one of the best men I have ever known. We just have a...what do I call it...a kink...
I'm soon to be 34 years old with 3 boys under age 5. My husband and I have been married 10 years, together for 12. He's soon to be 35. We have always gotten along great, so much so that we have few friends who can tolerate how close we are. There really isn't much to complain about in our marriage.
But then there's sex.
I have a LD and always have. But, my husband is probably the highest of high when it comes to sex drive. We are stark opposites. He wants it morning, noon, and night, and every moment in-between. And I'm not talking quickies. He wants an all out performance of not one but AT LEAST two sessions. To him, there's never enough sex.
Yes, I knew this early on. Yes, I did satisfy his needs for years. Yes. All of them. And to my own demise. I am completely tired out. I have nothing left. And now, I'm the bad guy.
My husband knows he has an abnormally high sex drive. For years he watched porn, masturbated and did anything short of cheating to satisfy his needs when I couldn't. He'd masturbate, have sex with me, and masturbate some more. I thought it was out of control, but it didn't bother me. I live by the rule that a happy husband means a happy home.
That is until it started to bother me.
I started feeling like I really had no purpose other than to satisfy his sexual need of the moment. And if I couldn't he'd simply find another way. I started feeling like he just needed me for sex. I started seeing things differently. I wasn't a wife but a moral sex partner. Someone who he could be comfortable doing whatever with. Whatever he wanted sexually I would perform. No holds barred. I wanted to be his fantasy. His porn star. Then I realized those dang porn stars have really messed it up for me. I am incapable of being a porn star. Every. Single. Day.
I've gone through doctor visits, painful bouts, and physical drainage all to satisfy his needs. And the mere moment I say I can't he pouts. I don't get a hug, a rub, nothing. And I am the type who needs hugs.
Which brings me to physical contact. It goes without saying that I can't brush up against him in the kitchen without him getting an erection. But, it gets worse. If I don't want him lusting after me I have to be covered from head to toe in sweats or a grandma flannel gown. I can't even dress comfortably in my own house! And forget about kissing. If I even wanted to kiss him it only takes a second for his breathing to get heavier, his tongue to get aggressive, and now I'm on the floor.
And he wonders why I don't kiss him.
My needs? Sexually, they are met. I do enjoy sex with him, and he enjoys pleasuring me. He just doesn't leave me any time in-between to want to be pleasured again. As a result it comes off as me not wanting him. Now he feels like I'm having sex because I have to, not because I want to.
But aside from that, what I really need is time with him without the mention of sex. It never happens. We can't watch a movie without sex coming up; it's all over the television. We're far from family, so we've never been able to take an actual date night away from home; no babysitter. So, everything pretty much reminds him of having sex with me.
To be honest, I've lost what I need. I don't even know anymore.
I know this post is growing longer and longer, but I feel like I have to give all of the important factors in this.
In his defense, he is willing to make changes. He's stopped masturbating (I'll admit I've had a hard time believing someone like him can stop altogether, but he says he has) and every session isn't in front of porn. We have decided to designate days for sex so I can get some sort of a break, and I know it's hard for him. He's a great father, and I am a stay-at-home mom, so he takes care of us beyond measure...another reason I believe he deserves whatever he asks for.
But tell me this. I'm giving him the life of a HD husband that he desires, but when can I live the life of a LD wife? Will I ever be allowed to make demands for my sexual (or lack there of) needs? I understand a husband's needs, and I understand how much sex means to a HD man. But I'm not happy with the amount of sacrifice I am making. I completely adore my husband, but this life is making me hate sex.
I'm not sure how you qualify as a "LD" wife. I don't know how often you would like sex, but it sounds like you have done a lot to try and please your husband.
I think it's wonderful that you care so much about your husband. It's also sort of sad that you think this is all your responsibility. I don't know how high is too high, but it sounds like your husband needs to orgasm two or three times a day, every day, or else he feels really frustrated?
That sounds like a huge burden for him to bear. It sounds like an awful lot to be put onto your shoulders.
I don't know what sort of treatment there is for this, but I think he would be happier if he had less sexual compulsion.
Your husband is a sex addict. Two or three times a day, every day is way too much and unrealistic.
I love sex and I would like to make love every single day, but I can live with four times a week.
While I agree that two or three times a day seems like a lot, I would be very hesitant to say with certainty that he is a sex addict since I do not know what is considered normal. Posted via Mobile Device
I just finished re-reading my 2am rant and see that I really didn't ask much of a question. It was just that...a rant. I am glad, though, that I got it off my chest.
@SomeLady, I say that I'm an LD because I really don't have a regular desire to have sex. I can go weeks without it and be fine. Your synopsis of 2 to 3 times a day is correct. Without it he feels frustrated. He'll go without it as much as he can, but the fact remains that he wants it. It sort of hovers over my head when he's not getting it.
@FirstYearDown, we've had the 'you're probably a sex addict' talk. And he agrees he probably is one. He knows his needs are unreasonable. But, I've enabled them. So, now that things have changed (to roughly 5 days a week), it's like I've been lying to him all these years. How could things change? Why now? That's what he's left feeling. And I feel bad for it.
@Jeff74, that's exactly why I've done what he wanted, because I didn't really know what was too much. I'm flattered that he wants me at all! I can't imagine a life of my husband not being attracted to me, and I am all too aware that it could be that way. But with everything I DO do you would think that a break would be okay.
He always tells me that his satisfaction doesn't get stored away. He says that time without it is the equivalent of dog years, so one day without sex is more like 7.
So, you're telling me that this is a lot even for an HD person? If so, then maybe we should speak to someone. I just thought that men need and want sex all the time. Period. And that women, as wives, should give in to his needs. I mean, men think about sex constantly, right? And I don't want my husband out and about unsatisfied. That's just asking for trouble! Sex, to me, is one of the biggest factors in marriage failure. When the sex is right everything else just falls into place.
What do you HD spouses do for your spouses to help them get through? I need to hear from other HDs. I need to understand why the need for sex is so detrimental. I mean, I need a friggin cupcake every now and then, but I'm not pissed off all day when I don't get one. (Not to minimize it; I couldn't think of a different analogy.) Can you give any suggestions I could pass on to him?
I just finished re-reading my 2am rant and see that I really didn't ask much of a question. It was just that...a rant. I am glad, though, that I got it off my chest.
@SomeLady, I say that I'm an LD because I really don't have a regular desire to have sex. I can go weeks without it and be fine. Your synopsis of 2 to 3 times a day is correct. Without it he feels frustrated. He'll go without it as much as he can, but the fact remains that he wants it. It sort of hovers over my head when he's not getting it.
@FirstYearDown, we've had the 'you're probably a sex addict' talk. And he agrees he probably is one. He knows his needs are unreasonable. But, I've enabled them. So, now that things have changed (to roughly 5 days a week), it's like I've been lying to him all these years. How could things change? Why now? That's what he's left feeling. And I feel bad for it.
@Jeff74, that's exactly why I've done what he wanted, because I didn't really know what was too much. I'm flattered that he wants me at all! I can't imagine a life of my husband not being attracted to me, and I am all too aware that it could be that way. But with everything I DO do you would think that a break would be okay.
He always tells me that his satisfaction doesn't get stored away. He says that time without it is the equivalent of dog years, so one day without sex is more like 7.
So, you're telling me that this is a lot even for an HD person? If so, then maybe we should speak to someone. I just thought that men need and want sex all the time. Period. And that women, as wives, should give in to his needs. I mean, men think about sex constantly, right? And I don't want my husband out and about unsatisfied. That's just asking for trouble! Sex, to me, is one of the biggest factors in marriage failure. When the sex is right everything else just falls into place.
What do you HD spouses do for your spouses to help them get through? I need to hear from other HDs. I need to understand why the need for sex is so detrimental. I mean, I need a friggin cupcake every now and then, but I'm not pissed off all day when I don't get one. (Not to minimize it; I couldn't think of a different analogy.) Can you give any suggestions I could pass on to him?
What he said about one day without sex being like seven struck me as weird. I wanted to say that he has no self-control, but it's not exactly that. It sounds like his sexual "desire" is more of a compulsion.
I could see a man using it to JUSTIFY an affair, or using prostitutes, but I don't think a man could say "You won't have porno sex with me two or three times a day, seven days a week, so I was forced to have an affair with this woman who will do that." No woman will do that.
Can I ask why you discourage him from masturbating? I'm just curious what the thinking is, there.
Anyway, your husband has a problem and you can't be his band-aid. It's not fair to either of you.
While I agree that two or three times a day seems like a lot, I would be very hesitant to say with certainty that he is a sex addict since I do not know what is considered normal. Posted via Mobile Device
REALLY!!!!!! REALLY!!!!!! You got got be kidding?????? Who are you people who don't know what normal is.......
That's like saying an 500 lb man isn't fat, because we really can't say what normal is.....
I promise you 3X/day+ masturbating to porn is NOT NORMAL.....
HappyHappyJoyJoy, your husband needs counseling and immediately. I think 98% of people claiming sex addiction (especially those caught in affairs) are lying, but your husband has serious serious issues and probably childhood trauma that needs to be explored.
All I can say to the OP is "you poor thing"........
When he masturbated it felt like a punch in the gut. Here I am doing everything I can to satisfy you and you STILL have to masturbate? When I first told him how I felt I explained that if he still needed sex then he should at the very least ask me first before resorting to masturbation. Give me a chance to say no. I don't think a married man should have to masturbate. He had no qualms about stopping.
I also don't think allowing him to masturbate will help him through his sexual needs. It'll only make him want it more.
This may come as a surprise, but I'm really shocked to hear the opinion that he has a serious problem with sex. Although I know his desire is excessive, I honestly thought it was normal man-ism. You want it, you get it, you want more, you get more, and the cycle continues. I'm not saying I disagree, but I will say I've always thought that men generally have a sexual addiction, that they're naturally wired that way.
Besides my end of the issue, what makes his sex drive a problem if he's not cheating?
Honestly, it sounds like your husband uses sex as more of a coping mechanism - maybe to relieve anxiety, stress, whatever. When a person orgasms, there are chemicals released in the brain that give a person a 'feel good' and euphoric feeling. Some people can definitely become addicted to this feeling, just like a junkie would with drugs. And as with a junkie, they often require more and more in order to get the same level of euphoria.
A person who has to be constantly stimulated - especially if they start to diverge into chronic masturbation (e.g., multiple times a day) may be over the top of normal, and it should be considered whether they have a problem with it.
The fact that your H gets upset about it is also an issue. A marriage is a partnership between two people. Both of those people have needs and desires. Each partner should be trying to meet those legitimate needs and desires. Where is your partner meeting your needs for connection and closeness? It doesn't sound like he is very much, but he expects you to meet his as much as possible and gets upset with you when you don't. That is a sure-fire recipe for you to start feeling used - which you have alluded to in your post.
Somewhere, there needs to be a meeting in the middle for both of you. He needs to work to meet your needs, and you need to work to meet his. But all of that needs to be within reasonable bounds.
At this point, I think you guys should see a counselor together - I'd suggest a sex therapist to begin with - somebody who specializes in sexual issues. That way you can work toward some kind of middle ground, and if your husband does have addictive tendencies regarding sex, those can be worked on.
You may want to do some research in this area. Here's a site specifically for people who are affected by a spouse's excessive sexual needs: Hope & Help for Family & Friends of Sexaholics
You've been a great wife, Happy. But, even the most humble of things needs fuel in order to run - and it doesn't sound like your H has been willing to fill up your 'love tank' in the way that you most need it, while you have been striving to fill his. See if you can't get some balance back in your relationship with each other before you run completely empty.
Men are generally wired to be horny, true. But, few men over the age of... I don't know, 21? can even orgasm three times a day, seven days a week.
And, most men don't get sulky and bitter about not getting any from the woman they love until it's pretty damn infrequent.
I'm not sure what to say about masturbation. My religion teaches that it's wrong. That said, I also think it's kind of natural. I don't think it's anything like cheating, unless the spouse is literally ignoring their partner altogether because they'd rather masturbate. Sometimes, a guy just wants to rub one out in the shower as a sort of stress reliever. It's easier than pleasing a partner. It's faster. And, if a husband feels like he's already putting a lot of demands on his wife for sex, masturbation would be a way of avoiding that.
There may be something to his masturbating only making his compulsion worse, but I don't know.
His sex drive is a problem because he is frustrated all the time. If he could really be happy with sex 5x a week, then masturbating 14 more times a week, that would be better than feeling rejected and frustrated all the time.
For some reason, I'm reminded of a toddler who still needs to suck on a binkie in order to self-sooth. There's something about this compulsive behaviour that makes me think of that.
Besides my end of the issue, what makes his sex drive a problem if he's not cheating?
Because he gets bitter, unhappy, and angry about it and let's all of that fall right back on you. A mature person learns how to handle their disappointments and frustrations in life without having to resort to taking it out on other people or going off the deep end in compulsions.
as A man with a high sex drive (I could easily have sex daily) his sounds exsessively high.and should warrant further investigation. weather it be physical or mental.
But there are 2 people in a marriage and he should be open to some sort of compromise.
I think he very well my be addicted to porn/sex.
I don't know if he could have some sort of medical problem that somehow is increasing his sex drive to very high levels but I would look into that also.
I am a high drive husband whose wife's drive has definitely tapered of the past few years
We have sex 3-4 times week 1 or 2 of those session are porn star sex.
I am perfectly happy with the amount of sex we have and do masturbate a couple of times a week because I have a high drive.
Men do not think about sex "all the time" and your husbands needs are excessive.
However like most women you turned on the porn stars libido to interest and hook him and now you want to turn it off because you're tired of it and he's already hooked.
He was probably thanking the stars above he finally found a woman who had similar needs and undoubtedly it was a factor in why he ended up with you.
Cutting it off now leaves him feeling like he fell for a bait & switch which if you want to be honest is what happened by your own words.
I have no clue why you want him to stop mastubating as it's pretty much the only thing that's going to keep him off you.
He does have a problem but I'm sure he thought he found a woman for which his problem was actually a benefit and now your telling him it was a lie/
From his point of view anyway.
I don't really know what you can do to gt him past this because while you're justified in the way you feel he is just as justified in the way he feels Posted via Mobile Device
*However like most women you turned on the porn stars libido to interest and hook him and now you want to turn it off because you're tired of it and he's already hooked.*
4Likes
Can a LD wife ever win? 
