shy_guy

Realizing something my posts were missing, but mountaingirl00's posts are bringing out. When you communicate, you have to also be understanding - that's part of making it non-threatening, and part of what I meant by saying you may also have to make changes. It's likely she has perceptions about you that you didn't know, so you have to be ready to hear those without getting upset. Things like PPD are real, so you have to be ready to be the one who shoulders all the burden and just supports for a while if she is dealing with things like this. Don't worry - it'll be reciprocated if she is a loving wife, and if it is something like PPD. She can't reciprocate while she is dealing with it, though, so that's why you may need to shoulder it all for awhile.

Also, be sure you show her that you're excited about the children, and they're as important to you as they are to her. I think sometimes we men tend to think working is always perceived by our partner the same way we perceive it, and it isn't always. Sometimes, you have to show these things in other areas for your partner to recognize it.

Every baby is an adjustment. It sounds like you need the communication to be open, so open that. Make sure your mind stays open to hear what she's telling you when you open the communication.

DTO

Was the decision to not have more kids mutual?

If you go through some of the regret stories on Vasectomy Information you will see that both men and women have the potential for psychological impact from the loss of fertility, even if the decision was mutual.

Of course, it is also a possibility that your wife simply sees herself as a mom and not a sexual being now. Some women (like my ex) never see sex as valuable in itself (physical pleasure) but only as a way to have kids and maintain an emotional closeness. Others reach that point somewhere along life's journey (lots of those stories on TAM).

tfarnz

The choice was mutual. Long story short. 4 is all we can afford. She is a stay at home mom that also home schools. We are not rich, we live week to week. I'm pretty sure she has no ppd, she just seems to have no interest in me. At All.
She says she wants to be intimate but does zero to show it.

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DTO

Well then this is what you need to communicate to her, in an understanding yet serious manner. I would say after a certain point (say your youngest's first birthday) you are going to see all the improvement there is to be had without a serious sit down and perhaps professional help.

Four kids is a lot of work. By now your baby should be sleeping through the night and you guys should be reconnecting at least a little. There is always time for the two of you, being both in the same house, if you prioritize each other.

The truth is your marriage will not be what it could be if you keep along this path. Her not meeting your needs will cause you to look elsewhere (I don't mean an affair though) if you don't outright resent her for not providing physical affection.

Kids will take over if you let them. If you aren't meeting their physical needs as young children, there will be school and homework, maintaining the home, family activities, sports, and other extracurriculars. There is always something to do for your kids, and if you don't set some limits they will consume your life.

Where do you and your wife want your marriage to be in 20 years when your kids are full adults getting through college with their own lives? Where do you see it actually being if you don't push through the complacency and make time for each other despite the bustle of life? These are the questions you both need to answer and then adjust your actions accordingly.

that_girl

I don't think you are a professional able to diagnose your wife as not having PPD.

Just sayin.

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that_girl

What a douche thing to say!

I love how people can act this way, then be TOTALLY shocked when their marriage fails.

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DTO

Why home school? Whose choice was that? Are the schools in your area really that bad or incompatible with your belief system, or is she determined to be supermom?

I'm an intelligent, well-educated guy and still would not home school. There is such a breadth of resources kids get in school that I could not replicate. There is a reason teachers either have specific college degrees, plus extra school, professional certification, and continuing professional education requirements.

I ask you to consider that home schooling may not be right for your family. Your wife likely is burned out and has no time for you. You guys are at your financial limit and cannot afford help. There's also a chance limited social contact and the likely hectic state of your home is harming your kids as well. Having the kids in school could solve many of these problems.

tfarnz

That girl
I can tell you that I'm no professional. I'm an engineer. Give me a pile of steel and a problem and I can fix it. A wife that shows no love and I'm clueless. Logic does not = relat ionships
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shy_guy

Granted, it's a douche thing to say. A lot of us have a few (or more than a few) douche things we've said that we wish we hadn't. Sometimes, one of the hardest things we have to learn is that something that may mean one thing when we say it to the guys means something entirely different to our wives. I'd suspect this is one of those terms.

Still, I agree, it was a douche thing to say, and I hope he realizes it now. We all have to learn "on the job" as it were.

msL

msL

excuse me? Have you not seen the shape our public schools are in? As a matter of fact there was just a school shooting TODAY. Do your homeowrk on home schooling before saying anything. ALONG with the home schooling there are social activities these children are involved in with other children that are home schooled. How about this suggestion..get a babysitter, once a month, go out and spend some time together as a couple, get a break from the daily routines of the house.

Enchantment

Yes. The hormone fluctuations of pregnancy, post-partum, and breastfeeding - while normal - can be very detrimental to a woman's libido. Especially breastfeeding - as levels of estrogen (which helps to keep the vagina supple) and testosterone (which helps with libido) are diminished. It can take some women up to two years for their hormones to stabilize after childbirth.

Breastfeeding Causing Diminished Sexual Desire | HealthyWomen

The thing is, though, that love is like a balloon that never pops - you can put more and more people to love (air) in it and it can keep growing. We don't have a limitied capacity to truly love.

However, a person's time and energy are of limited capacity. You can't make a day that holds more that 24 hours, nor can you continue to expend precious physical and mental energy that you simply do not have.

I think your wife sounds like she is in burn-out. With four young kids, new infant, homeschooling ... yah. I think the first thing you should try and do is get a handle on the daily routine and how much that may be taking out of her.

Has she had a check-up with her doctor recently? Is she physically healthy? Does she have energy or is she lacking in that area?

Is she emotionally pulled together? Is she stressed? Is she depressed? Does she complain? If so, what about? How often?

How often does she get time on her own to decompress? Is she able to have some time every day by herself? Does she have interests and hobbies that she has an interest in still pursuing?

Some wives need help to see that they are not just moms - they are women in and of themselves, they are wives, they DO have lives and wants and interests and desires of their own - and it is okay to have those - preferable actually, even if you are a mother.

As a husband, you need to try and set up the kind of environment that will allow your wife to see that she is not just a mother - that she is a wife and woman, and that the marriage is really of paramount importance.

If you talk to her about this, what does she say?

Best wishes.

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