Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Other things that come to mind is that perhaps your relationship is not as good as you think it is. When women do not feel the right emotional connection to their husband they often do not want to have sex.
For this you might want to look at the material in my siganture block below about building a passionate marriage.
Out side of that, I have given you a list of things that could be the cause. You reject them all. So from here I can only give say that forget about trying to find out why and work on behavior.
Often we humans have no idea why we do, or do not do, something. But we can overcome it with behavior modification.
It might also be helpful for her to see a medical doctor and a gynecologist for a thorough check-up. It could be hormone levels or other physical causes that are blocking her sex drive. It's helpful to rule that out first, or to address whatever is discovered.
Also, have you or she considered that she might be attracted to women instead of men?
Since your wife engaged in sexual play before marriage I doubt she is asexual. It sounds to me like she is afraid of sex for some reason.
If she will not work on this then you have two choices.
1) stay in your situation and maybe get lucky one day. This is highly unlikely.
2) leave her and find someone who is interested in having sex. You could always keep her as a friend.
I don't now what religion you are or the laws in your country, but you might be able to get an annulment since the marriage has never been sexually consumated.
Or maybe she just is not interested in having sex with the OP. Lots of folks marry people to whom they are not sexually attracted (although not so extreme that the marriage has not been consummated in six years).
I usually equivocate in my advice, but here the answer is plain. You have zero kids. Ditch her and start over with someone else. From the outside looking in, this is so dysfunctional as to cast doubt on whether she could ever have a passionate sex life with you (even if she wanted to).
Don't start accepting sex (she might offer it as a way to placate you). It will likely be pity sex (which means it will suck anyways) and may complicate matters further (like if she becomes pregnant).
ETA:
No, she does not love you. Or, she does not love you anywhere near as much as she loves herself (IMO you need to regard the other as much as yourself to have a successful marriage).
Also, it sounds like she has some serious hang-ups. She does not want you to touch her genitals because she "wants to do it right"? As in, intercourse is good (or okay) sex and oral, manual, etc. are bad? Might I ask what culture and religion you practice?
The issue is that these two problems compound each other. She has serious hangups about sex, and does not feel strongly enough about you to address her issues (that is why she flat out refused a joint counselor and barely sees hers).
Even if she gets that the marriage is on the line, do you want to have sex with someone who clearly does not want to but does anyways just to have a few kids, be supported, or save face? From all I've been through, seen, and read, that's the best it will ever be - at least without serious professional help.
If I were in your shoes and wanted to save the marriage, my boundary would NOT be "have sex with me or the marriage is over". Sex under those terms would probably not be very good for you, and additionally she may resent you for pushing her into something she did not want to do to any extent. Then you get into a cycle of some bad or mediocre sex, followed by an argument phase borne out of mutual resentment, then a shorter period of sex, then a longer resentment, etc. Rinse and repeat.
My boundary instead would be serious professional intervention as a condition to continue in the marriage. That means IC for her (to assess any issues she may have) and MC for you so she hears from a professional what marriage means. I've BTDT - you don't want "yeah I'll lay you just to shut you up". You DO want a commitment from her to be the best she can be AND bring that best to your marriage in all ways.
Lastly, you need to consider the possibility that she simply considers sex to be bad or sinful. Some relatives and I were discussing the topic ideology as it relates to sex. A relative's co-worker described her sex life this way: "I fell down (sinned) three times to have my three children and that's it. My husband and I don't believe in that". They are Catholics. Sounds extreme, but people do believe that, so proceed with caution.
The only good thing in this situation is that you don't have children.
If sex does become a possible I hope you plan to use birth control for at least a year.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to understand how completely useless it is for you to be guessing at this.
There could be a wide variety of reasons that she is not having sex. No matter what the problem is, the only chance you have to change the situation is for her to be completely open with you and for her to be actively taking steps to deal with it. If she doesn't do anything or says nothing about it until you raise it as an issue, it does seem hopeless.
If she sees this as about her future as a wife and mother, she should give it the priority it deserves. If not, then you need to force yourself to make a conscious decision about staying in a sexless OR to leave while you are still young and childless.
I personally think you will regret not making the latter decision.
Is this an arranged marriage? Is it a caste problem? Is there polygamy? Did something go wrong on Suhag-Raat? Has she called you a Sudra? Is your wife particularly religiously extreme in that she looks at marriage in terms of dharma alone?
And that is about all I know of Hindu marriage so you may need someone from your own community to help you.
@EleGirl, my wife is quite often tells me how happy she is and how she can't imagine her life without me. But we have had our problems in the past and I know she was challenged by them. I know from experience that behavior modification does not come to her easily.
@norajane, I'm certain she isn't a lesbian I don't think she has a physical problem (neither does she). Her periods are pretty regular. Let's see how her counseling goes before any additional doctors are brought into the picture- she might not respond positively to such suggestions.
@DTO at the end of the day I still love her, and I have to take that into consideration. I'm not insisting that she has to have sex with me or our marriage is doomed- I've made it clear that I want her to get to the root of the problem. See a counselor, sort out her issues. After that we'll probably see a counselor jointly. I know she doesn't consider sex to be sinful, neither is it described as such in our religion or culture.
@Lionelhutz unfortunately she's totally against pills. I will use protection though. I really love her and want to get this marriage to work- I know she loves me too, maybe it's just a subconscious mental wall that she's having trouble breaking down.
@Runs_like_Dog not an arranged marriage. We aren't Hindus and therefore no caste or dharma involved. I don't think this has anything to do with culture, race or creed. This is as anomalous a situation in my surroundings as it is in yours.
@Lionelhutz unfortunately she's totally against pills. I will use protection though. I really love her and want to get this marriage to work- I know she loves me too, maybe it's just a subconscious mental wall that she's having trouble breaking down.
That is the problem. You don't know what the problem is. No one here can know what the problem
Maybe even your wife is confused, but the point is none of that matters, unless she is involved in trying to find the solution you are wasting your time. I would be concerned that her "trying" might consist of simply trying to get pregnant and then immediately after conception, your sex life is over forever.
I'm not saying it is an easy or obvious choice to leave a sexless marriage. In fact I decided to stay, but too may people don't make an actual decision and then stumble along with a deteriorating marriage which can simply increase the pain for all involved.
If you are prepared to give up on sex for the rest of your life for her, then I guess your path is clear.
Hello, I've been married for six years. Guess how many times I've had sex? None. I'm a virgin.
I fell in love with my wife when I was 25, and we got married within a few months. Our Nepalese culture disapproves of premarital sex, so we never had sex while we were dating. But we were clearly physically attracted to each other. Kissing and fondling and BJs were commonplace.
But ever since we got married, she always has an excuse- a headache, a period, sadness, a movie or tv show, work exhaustion. Even when I ask her a week in advance when her day off is and make plans for us to have sex, somehow she still manages not to.
Complaining makes things worse and she heads for divorce talks rightaway. She tells me that she understands she "has a problem" and that "i'm a saint" (little consolation), but things pretty much remain unchanged.I don't want to leave her, but I can't live a sexless life either. Can anybody tell me whether my wife is asexual? Any advice/info would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi strange ~
So, you complain, she threatens divorce, you back down, and nothing changes.
I know exactly why you haven't had sex in SIX years - since you got married.
SHE. DOES. NOT. WANT. TO.
It doesn't matter whatever her true hang-up is. She hasn't been willing to try and address it on her own in all this time. And YOU, my friend, ENABLE her to be that way.
You have a bark, but no bite. So, she doesn't really have to truly address anything - it seems to be fine with her to go on the way you have and you have been well and truly put in your place and the cycle continues on because you do nothing to stop it.
I would suggest that you set up some counseling appointments for yourself - just you - so that you can try and work through WHY you have felt it acceptable to wait this long and so that you can work out a plan on HOW you can gather some remnant of fortitude and self-respect around yourself and not be a doormat to her whims anymore.
@Lionelhutz, yes I agree I don't exactly know what the problem is. I think she doesn't know either. I have made it pretty clear to her that she will have to address this situation and show some initiative. I am not up for a sexless marriage and she knows that.
@michzz I really don't know..
@Enchantment I think I didn't quite say it right in my OP. She doesn't "threaten divorce", it's more like she helplessly gravitates towards it. She's suffering over our whole situation as well- she knows it's a problem from her end and she can't seem to grasp a way out. And I don't really "back down" or lack "bite", I demand that she tries break free from her mental block.
I know I haven't had sex with her in our six years of marriage largely because of her, but I have to blame myself to some extent as well. I have been way too patient. It's not that I have a low sex drive or anything (I masturbate daily or more), it's just that I am way too cerebral a person. I want her to be at peace with herself first (if that's the right way to describe it).
I have met a counselor several times- who sort of told me she can't help me unless my wife changes.
I am having a hard time figuring out why you are with this woman. If she isn't willing to have sex with you, and is not willing to do everything in her power to determine how to fix this problem, why are you married to her?
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Re: Is my wife asexual? 
I don't think she has a physical problem (neither does she). Her periods are pretty regular. Let's see how her counseling goes before any additional doctors are brought into the picture- she might not respond positively to such suggestions.
