"HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-29-2012, 11:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
jennifer1986's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 272
Default "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

My "HD" is bugging the heck out of me now.

For being in 40's, I think my husband is pretty normal. Ever since I got into my HD mode, we first did it every day for 4 days, then we both came down with a horrendous cold. Nothing for next 4 days, and I began to get antsy even though I was still blowing my nose. Finally, had sex, then next day wanted more, and husband yawned and collapsed into bed, did not even notice I was wearing a baby doll with lace (which made my shoulders cold all night, I am the flannel type).

This morning we were both off. He was about to go for a CARWASH and completely unaware I was sulking. I finally decided to just attack and pinned him on the chair before he could get up from looking at that damn laptop. He was like "what?..."but if he would take of his car before me I had to murder him. At least I did successfully get things up and running and it was good. But now it's bedtime and I am thinking about it AGAIN. This is bad news because I bet all my retirement savings that he would not be into it AGAIN. Boy, I wonder what to do. FYI, I've been good and trying to distract myself. Grocery shopping, picking up kid, nagging on his piano and homework...
jennifer1986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-01-2012, 09:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,350
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

So, what's the reason for the change from LD to HD, Jennifer?

I know that some women go through a hormonal surge when they start to become peri-menopausal (never happened to me, but it seems enough women go through it so I will believe that it can happen to some).

But, sometimes people - both men and women - use their spouse's desire for them as some kind of internal validation gauge, which isn't always healthy.

You do need to see yourself as an independent, worthwhile individual who is in control of your own thoughts and emotions - not letting the vagaries of what your spouse is doing or not doing to blow you around so much. Because no spouse likes to be used in that manner for long. Genuine desire and affection - yes. Providing constant validation to another - no.

And if that is not in play, then you need to ping SA (SimplyAmorous) - because she went through this kind of thing a few years ago and may have some tips on how she was able to cope with it. It sounds like her hormones did eventually settle back down after a period of time, but her thoughts and ideas about sexual intimacy in marriage were forever changed.

Best wishes.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2012, 11:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
jennifer1986's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 272
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Seriously, spam on thread?

So my sad prediction became self-fulfilling prophecy...I went to bed with the kid (which I don't like to do because he really is old enough to try to sleep on his own), then fell asleep (another reason why I hate to lie down next to the kid). By 10:30 PM I woke up, said "gees", went to my husband's bed and he was fast asleep. I was like "thought so".

I think enough of this will eventually push me back to the LD state anyways, I seem to sway between these extremes. If I don't feel there is much loving and intimacy, I will revert.
jennifer1986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 07:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 6,177
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Sulking isn't going to help this nor is it attractive. Your husband is in his 40's. His peak has long passed. He may no longer be interested in daily sex and could possibly be having anxiety over the fact that getting hard isn't as easy as it once was. Just showing up in a baby doll might not be enough. He's tired and old. LOL

I believe in your 40's your sex life needs to change and grow into something 'more'. I think men need more seduction, more emotional connection, more something to feel attractive and wanted. I think it's more than just an orgasm to them at this age. But when you are HD that's all it's about.

This is easily fixable but it starts with you coming to grips with the fact that you aren't married to a horny 18 year old. He isn't in the same place as you and that's okay. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you doesn't mean he doesn't want you.

Don't take this as rejection because it's obviously not considering how much sex you are still having. KWIM?

Last edited by Mavash.; 03-02-2012 at 07:42 AM.
Mavash. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 08:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Halien's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Earth that Was
Posts: 2,594
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifer1986 View Post
Seriously, spam on thread?

So my sad prediction became self-fulfilling prophecy...I went to bed with the kid (which I don't like to do because he really is old enough to try to sleep on his own), then fell asleep (another reason why I hate to lie down next to the kid). By 10:30 PM I woke up, said "gees", went to my husband's bed and he was fast asleep. I was like "thought so".

I think enough of this will eventually push me back to the LD state anyways, I seem to sway between these extremes. If I don't feel there is much loving and intimacy, I will revert.
For future reference, for spam, click on the icon with the "!" symbol in the triangle and report it as spam.

Jennifer, I've responded to a couple of posts recently from men who were married to LD women, and I think they would kill to see such feelings from their wives.

I do think that it is easy for a man in his forties to become intimidated by such a sudden change. Maybe he thinks it won't last, or maybe he can't perform? I think there could be a different approach, although I'll admit that people tend to be skeptical of things that they don't understand:

In my opinion, guys in our forties can really, really appreciate more of a tantric approach to sex. Sure, maybe stamina can be a problem after the act, but my wife and I have really grown to enjoy our three day weekends in bed. For me, the sensual fulfillment is even more important than the end result, so what I'm getting at is that my wife gets many hours of the type of intimacy that she personally craves.

There are many books out there, plus videos. Keep in mind that tantra goes beyond sex, so it is also teaching a way to approach your sexuality. I admit that this was something I learned about many years ago with a former older girlfriend, so the books that my wife and I later used are no longer out there.

To be honest, what I'm getting at is that if you think that your husband is really afraid of performance or stamina issues, but too immature to address it, maybe you can approach the subject from the perspective of trying to improve the intimacy while seperating it from the typical guy's expectation that you'll be going at it like rabbits around the clock. Teach him an appreciation of your body and your sexuality. Focus on the approach of building him up by saying that he has the sexual maturity to really appreciate a new approach to your lovemaking.

Just a thought.
Halien is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 11:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,150
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Sulking isn't going to help this nor is it attractive. Your husband is in his 40's. His peak has long passed. He may no longer be interested in daily sex and could possibly be having anxiety over the fact that getting hard isn't as easy as it once was. Just showing up in a baby doll might not be enough. He's tired and old. LOL
Ahhh come on , old ! No , No , No.. BUt very true.... men need more seduction, more teasing, more outward confidence from their woman - for the same reason women are wooed & falling over in lust for the confident Alpha male , like she is under "his spell" suddenly.

I came to this forum when I was feeling like you Jennifer ....and I spiced the living daylights out of our sex life... Check out my avatar when I arrived here -this is HOW I felt 24 hrs a day, unrelenting is what it was , I loved it -but it was a bit of a curse at the same time -caues he wasn't that 18 yr old horny young man! ...

(Our sex life was quite boring before --by most others standards, we were kinda repressed & very vanilla).....I did anything & everything imaginable to get more out of my husband....

1. I made sure he got ENOUGH sleep, would send him to bed early just so I could jump him in the am (AM is best for testosterone levels)

2. Started to feed him better, watch his diet, careful to give him "men's formula" vitamins every day...did some exercising.

3. Bought over 20 books on sex , how to please a man...

Ultimate favorite here : Amazon.com: Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (9780060834395): Ian Kerner: Books

4. Started buying lingerie like mad ... even watched videos on how to do a lap dance

5. Bought some sex furniture, the wedge & ramp, thought about buying a sex swing but not sure how to explain that one to the kids if they saw it ! They do play with the wedge & ramp, ha ha , never asked (I think the older boys know)

6. Started renting porn together, we even started vistiing a Strip club , I didn't care how he got turned on- so long as I got the goods. (yeah, I know this is going to far , ha ha)..he never visited one in his youth, it was just a WILD phase, it has passed but I don't regret it at all. It was fun.

7. Started taking Romantic Vacations, doing photo shoots

8.Got a sex board game, great one here: Discover Your Lover

9. Got a book on Erotic Massage, Book on positions, great website with endless ideas : List of All Sex Positions | SexInfo101.com

10. Also got a perscriptin for Viagra (hey he was of the age), even splitting a 50mg in 4's -still gives a BOOST on some of those nights -we were doing it 4 days in a row, for him, so long as he got it up, he was HAPPY to use it. Something called "Stiff Nights"-that was the bomb.

....I spent my time wisely in educating myself, read about Testosterone & how hormones affect our mind & body...and Yep...men start slowing down as they age! Boy did I hate learning the truth of that, I even sent my husband to the Encronologist to get his levels checked, kinda had to downplay why we were REALLY there, ha ha. He is on the lower end...but normal. I must admit he keeps up pretty good-considering.

I even caused my husband performance presssure & we overcame that too. I got this book ... Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems
& learend all about "Sensate Focus" exercises & I flirted in such a way to help him get his mind off of his member. (Us woemn never have to worry about these things -just get the lube -so much harder for men!!).......he was so damn happy that this happened to me -after years of "wanting more", he wasn't about to push me away.... He was a real gem.... In the beginning I wanted it 3 times a day. That intensitey lasted 8 long months.

Here is a great thread with others stories of what you are experiencing ...

Anyone else(women) in their prime? High sex drive!

Quote:
I believe in your 40's your sex life needs to change and grow into something 'more'. I think men need more seduction, more emotional connection, more something to feel attractive and wanted. I think it's more than just an orgasm to them at this age. But when you are HD that's all it's about.
This is true, my husband admits he is driven more for the emotional connection.... during my high high drive phase.... I seriously seemed to care more about his LUST over his LOVE, I knew something was a little twisted about this, but none the less, that is HOW I felt during that time, so I am not going to lie about... had I been single, probably would have gotten into a world of trouble with guys.

A surge of hormones can do this to your psyche, now you know how it feels to me a young man....and why they do near anything & say anything to get in women's pants !! I could relate to that!



Quote:

This is easily fixable but it starts with you coming to grips with the fact that you aren't married to a horny 18 year old. He isn't in the same place as you and that's okay.
This was the HARDEST part for me personally, I wanted to go back in time something terrible and re-live the years where I was more prudish & just didn't understand the male sex drive.... I was ALWAYS sexually satisfied...but he wasn't.. and I was not aware of how DEEP that well was ...for him... till we started talking about our past.

I was very blesssed he has compassion on ME when I started feeling LIKE THIS....even though I was not there for him in that way.... If only us women knew THEN what we know NOW, damn, what a difference it would make in our earlier marraiges.

It was not something I could have put down.. It was too intense for me (personally)... if he was not there for me, I probably would have been pissed off night & day , grown resentful to an extreme, It would have really hurt my marraige. I now have a new appreciation & understanding for why MEN need SO MUCH SEX....especially in thier younger years. Luckily I didn't have to face any of this ...alone.

Quote:
Enchantment said : But, sometimes people - both men and women - use their spouse's desire for them as some kind of internal validation gauge, which isn't always healthy.

You do need to see yourself as an independent, worthwhile individual who is in control of your own thoughts and emotions - not letting the vagaries of what your spouse is doing or not doing to blow you around so much. Because no spouse likes to be used in that manner for long. Genuine desire and affection - yes. Providing constant validation to another - no.

And if that is not in play, then you need to ping SA (SimplyAmorous) - because she went through this kind of thing a few years ago and may have some tips on how she was able to cope with it. It sounds like her hormones did eventually settle back down after a period of time, but her thoughts and ideas about sexual intimacy in marriage were forever changed.
I have to laugh at one thing you are saying here... how I coped with it ....ANSWER...my husband is a pleaser. IF not, I swear it would have destroyed us. It was not something I could put down.... it just wasn't, I didn't want too anyway! And I wasn't going too.

Look at my name on here.. I could have named myself a Tempress when I got here , ha ha, it was all I wanted to do, think about, consuming and it was MY TIME darn it.

I can't say it was about "validation" for me, I never doubted my husbands love & devotion for a second in being with him for 30 yrs, but I was upset he was "slowing down"... there is just something about a woman wanting her husband to be more lustful... I didn't like being on the other side of that, made me feel "needy", like a burden, thankfully he laughed at that thought -when I said it .... saying "Sex a burden, are you crazy".

This was our answer...We had a funny little fight about this not too long ago....this is how we manage...with me getting upset -every now & then ....over his slowing down, that his most vibrant sexual lustfilled years are basically behind us....

The Joy it brings & importance of "allowing" our Partner to turn us on to love making

.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 03-02-2012 at 11:37 AM.
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 11:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 513
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

This reminds me of the early part of our relationship when I my wife was highly sex and got a little angry with me for what she thought was neglect but for me I was just tired and distracted. Basically it led to hot angry sex that was awesome for both of us. I just kind of thought.,..so you wanna get f*cked do ya?

However, age sucks and I agree that he maybe he is frightened that he just can't keep up. Maybe sex doesn't have to mean the same thing every time and maybe he doesn't have to orgasm each time. Sometimes it can just be about pleasing one of you and the other can take a rain-check
Lionelhutz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 11:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 6,177
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
Ahhh come on , old ! No , No , No.. BUt very true.... men need more seduction, more teasing, more outward confidence from their woman
SA I was just teasing.

I'm 46 and am far from 'old'.

I've just seen from my own 46 year old husband that yes he needs more seduction, more reassurance, more confidence from me to get going. It's not good enough to just wear lingerie and expect him to do all the work.
Mavash. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 11:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,150
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lionelhutz View Post
Basically it led to hot angry sex that was awesome for both of us. I just kind of thought.,..so you wanna get f*cked do ya?
Absolutely!

Quote:
However, age sucks and I agree that he maybe he is frightened that he just can't keep up. Maybe sex doesn't have to mean the same thing every time and maybe he doesn't have to orgasm each time. Sometimes it can just be about pleasing one of you and the other can take a rain-check
The 1st time my husband didn't orgasm, I remember these feelings coming over me, I didn't like that, it bugged me but I learned to appreciate it (only happend a couple times a month) .... He was genuinelly HAPPY just to please me (as I do when I am on my monthly with a BJ for him)....and also, if he doesn't go, he will be just a tad more "raring to go"... as men age , there recovery time gets further & further apart.... called the Refractory Period...

Refractory period (sex))

.
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 11:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
jennifer1986's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 272
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Hmmmm, another night of self-fulfulling prophecy.

I appreciate the replies because they show thoughts. To clarify things a bit, the least I want is to "go at it like rabbits". In fact, I am so brain-oriented that I need to think about sex for quite a while before I can get into it. Hence for years I was LD and unconsciously bitter about it because whenever H wanted it, I would give it, but without any mental preparation I was not enjoying it and just being passive.

So, now in my current state, I would think about it during the day and feel very ready by night. Unfortunately, he's not that into it, due to multiple factors some repliers have mentioned here. Again, I understand perfectly well we are not in 20's. So yesterday morning I tried to clearly tell him it's ok if we don't end up doing it (well, what can I do if he doesn't even get an erection?), but at least we should cuddle a little before going to bed, etc, that would make me happy.

Guess what...I knew I had a class last night so I rushed home 9:30 pm, ate (and managed to type 2 lines on this website!) and showered (cooking class), by 10 PM I was stepping out of the shower, and the kid had long felt asleep, and my H announced "I'm going to bed" and did so. I threw up my hands and watched food channel for an hour and slept in a different room.

For my H, if he deems something right, he does so. There is nothing wrong with going to bed and falling asleep when he is tired, so he does so. I cannot say anything about that. He had done the same thing for 20 years. If he just grabbed my breast or shove my head down (well, for the latter, it's just too rude and sometimes I would refuse,((rude in the sense of way too abrupt. I love doing BJ)) in the middle of night he would get it. So my feeling is he is always right, and I am always wrong or unreasonable. I am getting that same feeling now. I am not so naive to think wearing lingerie would get my H to become instantaneous stud, it was just to show him I cared about intimacy and he didn't even notice. I have always taken meticulous care of my body and look 10 years younger than my real age. But it does not matter much to this guy...
jennifer1986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2012, 12:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
jennifer1986's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 272
Default Re: "HD" and "LD" must be relative terms...

Oh, SA, our posts crossed, I didn't even see your reply! I will look thru it and give more thoughts, good post! Thank you.
jennifer1986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Remember when you were newlyweds and calling your new spouse "husband" or "wife"... Wildflower3 Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 06-11-2013 03:03 PM
It's hard when you have to try to make the "hate" for someone override the "love" you Darrien Going Through Divorce or Separation 12 03-15-2013 11:16 AM
TAM success story but still "unloved" - Craving the "L" word unloved General Relationship Discussion 3 10-17-2011 09:34 AM
Denying/redefining terms because they're "negative" KFunk General Relationship Discussion 3 10-01-2011 07:42 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:17 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage