Originally Posted by Mavash.
Sulking isn't going to help this nor is it attractive. Your husband is in his 40's. His peak has long passed. He may no longer be interested in daily sex and could possibly be having anxiety over the fact that getting hard isn't as easy as it once was. Just showing up in a baby doll might not be enough. He's tired and old. LOL
Ahhh come on , old ! No , No , No.. BUt very true.... men need more seduction, more teasing, more outward confidence from their woman - for the same reason women are wooed & falling over in lust for the confident Alpha male , like she is under "his spell" suddenly.
I came to this forum when I was feeling like you Jennifer ....and I spiced the living daylights out of our sex life... Check out my avatar when I arrived here -this is HOW I felt 24 hrs a day, unrelenting is what it was , I loved it -but it was a bit of a curse at the same time -caues he wasn't that 18 yr old horny young man! ...
(Our sex life was quite boring before --by most others standards, we were kinda repressed & very vanilla).....I did anything & everything imaginable to get more out of my husband.... 1.
I made sure he got ENOUGH sleep, would send him to bed early just so I could jump him in the am (AM is best for testosterone levels) 2
. Started to feed him better, watch his diet, careful to give him "men's formula" vitamins every day...did some exercising. 3.
Bought over 20 books on sex , how to please a man...
Ultimate favorite here : Amazon.com: Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (9780060834395): Ian Kerner: Books 4
. Started buying lingerie like mad ... even watched videos on how to do a lap dance 5.
Bought some sex furniture, the wedge & ramp, thought about buying a sex swing but not sure how to explain that one to the kids if they saw it ! They do play with the wedge & ramp, ha ha , never asked (I think the older boys know) 6.
Started renting porn together, we even started vistiing a Strip club , I didn't care how he got turned on- so long as I got the goods. (yeah, I know this is going to far , ha ha)..he never visited one in his youth, it was just a WILD phase, it has passed but I don't regret it at all. It was fun. 7.
Started taking Romantic Vacations, doing photo shoots 8.
Got a sex board game, great one here: Discover Your Lover 9.
Got a book on Erotic Massage, Book on positions, great website with endless ideas : List of All Sex Positions | SexInfo101.com 10.
Also got a perscriptin for Viagra (hey he was of the age), even splitting a 50mg in 4's -still gives a BOOST on some of those nights -we were doing it 4 days in a row, for him, so long as he got it up, he was HAPPY to use it. Something called "Stiff Nights"-that was the bomb.
....I spent my time wisely in educating myself, read about Testosterone & how hormones affect our mind & body...and Yep...men start slowing down as they age! Boy did I hate learning the truth of that, I even sent my husband to the Encronologist to get his levels checked, kinda had to downplay why we were REALLY there, ha ha. He is on the lower end...but normal. I must admit he keeps up pretty good-considering.
I even caused my husband performance presssure
& we overcame that too. I got this book ... Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems
& learend all about "Sensate Focus" exercises & I flirted in such a way to help him get his mind off of his member. (Us woemn never have to worry about these things -just get the lube -so much harder for men!!).......he was so damn happy that this happened to me -after years of "wanting more", he wasn't about to push me away.... He was a real gem.... In the beginning I wanted it 3 times a day. That intensitey lasted 8 long months.
Here is a great thread with others stories of what you are experiencing ... Anyone else(women) in their prime? High sex drive!
I believe in your 40's your sex life needs to change and grow into something 'more'. I think men need more seduction, more emotional connection, more something to feel attractive and wanted. I think it's more than just an orgasm to them at this age. But when you are HD that's all it's about.
This is true, my husband admits he is driven more for the emotional connection
.... during my high high drive phase.... I seriously seemed to care more about his LUST over his LOVE, I knew something was a little twisted about this, but none the less, that is HOW I felt during that time, so I am not going to lie about... had I been single, probably would have gotten into a world of trouble with guys.
A surge of hormones can do this to your psyche, now you know how it feels to me a young man....and why they do near anything & say anything to get in women's pants !! I could relate to that!
This is easily fixable but it starts with you coming to grips with the fact that you aren't married to a horny 18 year old. He isn't in the same place as you and that's okay.
This was the HARDEST part for me personally, I wanted to go back in time something terrible and re-live the years where I was more prudish & just didn't understand the male sex drive.... I was ALWAYS sexually satisfied...but he wasn't
.. and I was not aware of how DEEP that well was ...for him... till we started talking about our past.
I was very blesssed he has compassion on ME when I started feeling LIKE THIS....even though I was not there for him in that way.... If only us women knew THEN what we know NOW, damn, what a difference it would make in our earlier marraiges.
It was not something I could have put down.. It was too intense for me (personally)... if he was not there for me, I probably would have been pissed off night & day , grown resentful to an extreme, It would have really hurt my marraige. I now have a new appreciation & understanding for why MEN need SO MUCH SEX....especially in thier younger years. Luckily I didn't have to face any of this ...alone.
| Enchantment said : But, sometimes people - both men and women - use their spouse's desire for them as some kind of internal validation gauge, which isn't always healthy. |
You do need to see yourself as an independent, worthwhile individual who is in control of your own thoughts and emotions - not letting the vagaries of what your spouse is doing or not doing to blow you around so much. Because no spouse likes to be used in that manner for long. Genuine desire and affection - yes. Providing constant validation to another - no.
And if that is not in play, then you need to ping SA (SimplyAmorous) - because she went through this kind of thing a few years ago and may have some tips on how she was able to cope with it. It sounds like her hormones did eventually settle back down after a period of time, but her thoughts and ideas about sexual intimacy in marriage were forever changed.
I have to laugh at one thing you are saying here... how I coped with it ....ANSWER...my husband is a pleaser. IF not, I swear it would have destroyed us. It was not something I could put down.... it just wasn't, I didn't want too anyway! And I wasn't going too.
Look at my name on here.. I could have named myself a Tempress when I got here , ha ha, it was all I wanted to do, think about, consuming and it was MY TIME darn it.
I can't say it was about "validation" for me, I never doubted my husbands love & devotion for a second in being with him for 30 yrs, but I was upset he was "slowing down"... there is just something about a woman wanting her husband to be more lustful... I didn't like being on the other side of that, made me feel "needy", like a burden, thankfully he laughed at that thought -when I said it .... saying "Sex a burden, are you crazy".
This was our answer...We had a funny little fight about this not too long ago....this is how we manage...with me getting upset -every now & then ....over his slowing down, that his most vibrant sexual lustfilled years are basically behind us.... The Joy it brings & importance of "allowing" our Partner to turn us on to love making