Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Have you gone through a spell where you stopped catering to her and spoiling her? One where you basically ignore her, but continue to parent and take care of your share of the chores, etc. if so, how did she respond?
Just curious: how many kids do you have with her/ages? And the did everything change as soon as one arrived?
---How "was" your Wife in bed, whenever she was and her Libido and things she seemed to be liking and disliking, telling you ever her own needs like how she wants it.....?
well randomly, let me say..
Get her next time into intimacy as you used to get her ( even try newer coaxing ,foreplay techniques) ..once in "bed",Try "unconventional" foreplay,through peculiar touch n slow caress plus a tickling n softly paining mode knowing the spots and how to do it and resort to innovative lovemaking techniques with her...from head to toe ,from her feet to head ...use Power and Love ,balance your Timing and Staying Power, show Love n care n Passion in words and deeds while in the act...sometimes or many times, MANY women like reckless sex with passionate love in Eros and being "devastated"..
Being creative, trying things and technique is not an issue. I'm not the world's best, but I know how to please a woman and I really enjoy doing so. I enjoy bringing my wife to climax almost as much I enjoy my own orgasm. I RARELY get that opportunity anymore. Two weeks ago, I initiated, took charge and gave her a very nice and hot romp. She told me how much she liked it, then didn't touch me for days...had no interest and avoided me like the plague. It's not me or a willingness on my part to do just about ANYTHING to make sex as enjoyable, fun and exciting as I can for her. I just feel like I no longer have a partner in the bedroom.
Being creative, trying things and technique is not an issue. I'm not the world's best, but I know how to please a woman and I really enjoy doing so. I enjoy bringing my wife to climax almost as much I enjoy my own orgasm. I RARELY get that opportunity anymore. Two weeks ago, I initiated, took charge and gave her a very nice and hot romp. She told me how much she liked it, then didn't touch me for days...had no interest and avoided me like the plague. It's not me or a willingness on my part to do just about ANYTHING to make sex as enjoyable, fun and exciting as I can for her. I just feel like I no longer have a partner in the bedroom.
It's actually that you no longer have a partner, period.
Firstly, I can relate to your frustrations. And all we know is what you have written about what your wife has said.
As a woman, of course I clued into what you wrote about "been there done that" and nothing changed, and she says she does the housework, looks after the kids, and you should just be happy with that.
That reeks of resentment and a "contract" for sex.
I will take your word that you have tried "everything".
And advise that you try something else. Why not?
Try reading a few of these books (together)
His Needs Her Needs
The Five Love Languages
go to marriage builders and do the Emotional Needs Questionaire
The Married Mans Sex Life Primer
Mis-understanding what your partner wants to feel safe trusted and willing to be vulnerable can cause this type of situation. Giving her 10 apples when she really needs 2 oranges. Reading the books together can help both of you understand WHAT your needs are, and HOW to keep each other happy.
If you have done all of this, try counselling. Give it a year. If nothing changes, then consider your options.
What you have done hasn't worked. Try something else.
Phantom, you also need to have your wife see her MD to rule out any medical issues. Is she on birth control? This can really lower the libidio.
Your wife sounds like she also has some resentment towards you. Tell her if it's over chores, you can agree to come up with a list of who is responsible for what and stick to it.
Get the two of you into counseling! Tell your wife directly that you can't go on much longer this way and you want to make every effort to make things right between the two of you before you decide on what YOUR next step will be. You don't have to use the DIVORCE word.
It's actually that you no longer have a partner, period.
Firstly, I can relate to your frustrations. And all we know is what you have written about what your wife has said.
As a woman, of course I clued into what you wrote about "been there done that" and nothing changed, and she says she does the housework, looks after the kids, and you should just be happy with that.
That reeks of resentment and a "contract" for sex.
I will take your word that you have tried "everything".
And advise that you try something else. Why not?
Try reading a few of these books (together)
His Needs Her Needs
The Five Love Languages
go to marriage builders and do the Emotional Needs Questionaire
The Married Mans Sex Life Primer
Mis-understanding what your partner wants to feel safe trusted and willing to be vulnerable can cause this type of situation. Giving her 10 apples when she really needs 2 oranges. Reading the books together can help both of you understand WHAT your needs are, and HOW to keep each other happy.
If you have done all of this, try counselling. Give it a year. If nothing changes, then consider your options.
What you have done hasn't worked. Try something else.
There are a lot of good references above that may provide some help. Treat these as tools to use to see fi they will do the job. Some work, some don't but they are different ways to approach the same problem. Also, you need to give it some time to take effect.
I would also note that there is a difference between trying hard and trying effectively. I have no doubt that you have tried hard, but have no clue if you have tried effectively (I can try very hard to paint my house, but if I don't know enough to scrape the old flaking paint it my efforts won't matter). Because of that, I would try the his needs her needs work sheet to make sure that you are doing what she needs.
Finally, approach this as you wanting to be closer to her, not as you want more sex. Becasue for men, sex is about closeness and intimacy. Having sex is acceptance by your woman. If she asks if it is about sex, tell her that while sex is part of it, it is not nearly all of it, and that you want the two of you to be closer as a couple. Also note that half is this is about you making sure that she is getting the things she needs from you.
Her number one complaint is that I don't excuse her from sex since she does housework, takes care of the children, etc and is otherwise faithful according to her. Again I don't know that I believe her based on my experience but I don't have a smoking gun to know for sure that she hasn't been faithful. Some of her behaviors, and things she's said to me are classic signs of a spouse who cheated. Unconfirmed cheating aside, I can cook, I can clean, parent and take care of myself. As a man, I'd gladly trade one or more of those strengths and step up where needed for a wife who proudly wears a "porn star" hat in the bedroom, for a wife who doesn't complicate life by ignoring my sexual needs, much less blame me or tell me I need to accept and be thankful for what little I do get.
She sometimes complains about the lack of affection (kissing, compliments) which is not true from my point of view. I have taken the time to do date like things, buy flowers, hang out, take her out, do what she wants as much as possible. I expect for her to "schedule" a few minutes of her undivided "attention" in return for what I do. I am not an unreasonable man, but I am a man. I do the things she asks until the affection I've given isn't returned for days and I'm too frustrated to do those things any more without getting what I need in return. I've done my damnest to spoil her rotten. I like doing it and I don't keep a ledger to make sure its a 50/50 even return on my investment in her. IMHO, the return isn't even close.
It should be simple. Guys are wired/will give women the world to get sex, and women are wired to give sex to get affection. It's a nice symbotic yin/yang that works well when both are giving themselves freely to each other. When one doesn't give the other person what they need in exchange for what they want/need, it's dysfunctional. When I give her what she wants and she does not give me what I need, I consider that to be a form of unfaithfulness to the vows to love, honor and cherish. I definitely do not feel loved, honored or cherished.
Hi, Phantomfan. So let me get this straight. You wife thinks she should be "excused" from sex because she does housework and raises kids? That's like saying you should be excused from math and history class because you take PE. What a crock.
Breaking of vows is exactly what it is. Personal belief of mine that the "love" part means both physical and emotional.
Phantom, you also need to have your wife see her MD to rule out any medical issues. Is she on birth control? This can really lower the libidio.
Your wife sounds like she also has some resentment towards you. Tell her if it's over chores, you can agree to come up with a list of who is responsible for what and stick to it.
Get the two of you into counseling! Tell your wife directly that you can't go on much longer this way and you want to make every effort to make things right between the two of you before you decide on what YOUR next step will be. You don't have to use the DIVORCE word.
Exactly. The only think I would do differently is tell her you WON'T continue this way. Use of that word will (hopefully) remind her that you have options.
Have you sat your wife down and told her very calmly and very clearly that you are this frustrated in your relationship and this seriously considering divorcing her so that you can find someone with whom to have a normal sex life?
I usually think that issues like this have to take a multi-pronged approach - there has to be things that happen in yourself and in your wife for there to be a solution that is acceptable to both. Marriage after all involves two people, and you do not get into a sexless situation without both people aiding and abetting it.
Is your wife aware of how much of a problem this is for you?
If not, then that is the first issue that YOU must address - in being able to express it to her in such a way that she may understand (she may not necessarily agree, but understand).
If she is aware it's an issue, then what is her willingness to work with you on this? And this part involves both of you - it involves not only you telling her about what your need is, but HER telling you what hers is.
A good place sans marriage counseling for being able to work through this together is something like marriagebuilders.com. There is a book "His Needs, Her Needs" that you can read together, there are worksheets that you can fill out together to find out the things that you each do that turn off the other (the "Love Busters Questionnaire") and things that you each need from the other to feel loved (the "Emotional Needs Questionnaire").
If she is unwilling to do anything about the issue, then you need to take a different approach, most typically by continuing to work on yourself (which you should be doing even if she is willing to work at things). You can check out resources such as the blog/book at marriedmansexlife.com in order to learn how to become a man who is in charge of his own character, emotions, life. That may be part of the spark that your wife may be missing in the marriage - perhaps you've lost the zest and energy you applied to your life and to her that you had when you were dating/early married. If it is not, then you are in a better position to make hard decisions on moving forward.
The other thing to do is to start to educate yourself on female sexuality. Your wife sounds like many (maybe most?) women who have responsive desire, not spontaneous desire. Your spontaneous desire is fed continuously by the high amounts of testosterone you have in your body. The amount of testosterone in her body compared to yours? Paltry. Even at the lowest end, a man would have more than 10 times the amount that a woman has. Because of that, she will need to have something (YOU!) that helps spur her on to desiring sex. Go search out romantic_guy's posts - he has been implementing things he has learned in places like marriedmansexlife.com with a responsive desire wife and has been successful. I, myself, as also a responsive desire wife, and thank goodness my husband works toward helping me with that, but we had to learn it from the school of hard knocks.
Tolstoy said that "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
You are now at the point in your marriage where you get to learn how to deal with those incompatibilities. I hope that your wife will agree to join you to work through the issues together. If she does not, then start and continue to work the issues that you own diligently on your own and in time the path forward will become very clear to you.
Generally, a couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together doing date-like things to keep the passion going. Quantity is as important as quality.
Hmm... I've seen this 15 hours a week around here a bit and am going to call B.S. on it. (That's not a personal attack on you EleGirl).
First of all, I've never seen it cited anwhere - no reference to it's source.
Second of all, it's does not seem to be reasonable in scope; this sounds like I should devote 15 hours a week on wife-focused non-sexual one-on-one time. Expecting some romance is fine. And, the 15 hours is fine if one argues that time spent doing favors for each other, cooking her favorite meal, running a errand for her, etc. count (and they should).
But, most people probably cannot 2 spare hours per day. During my marriage I averaged at least 10 hours daily on essentials (working, commuting, chores and errands). You spend another 8 hours daily sleeping and getting ready for the day. Then there's family time with the kids, other essentials (school work, home and vehicle maintenance, down time for illness, you name it), and a little personal time then the day is completely gone. Unless you have a stay at home parent, are childless, or can pay for all housework and meals, this is unworkable.
Three, most guys don't ask for anywhere near that much sex. I would imagine that a lady who gets that 15 hours per week gives back maybe 10% of that to her husband - if that. That seems like an awfully disproportionate allocation of a scarce resource (time) likely to be less satisfying to the husband than the wife.
---How "was" your Wife in bed, whenever she was and her Libido and things she seemed to be liking and disliking, telling you ever her own needs like how she wants it.....?
well randomly, let me say..
Get her next time into intimacy as you used to get her ( even try newer coaxing ,foreplay techniques) ..once in "bed",Try "unconventional" foreplay,through peculiar touch n slow caress plus a tickling n softly paining mode knowing the spots and how to do it and resort to innovative lovemaking techniques with her...from head to toe ,from her feet to head ...use Power and Love ,balance your Timing and Staying Power, show Love n care n Passion in words and deeds while in the act...sometimes or many times, MANY women like reckless sex with passionate love in Eros and being "devastated"..
Possibly, your side of story has things which you are unaware about yourself and your doings , and her unsaid emotions regard to it...you seem to be impulsive and a mere physical guy in "loving" than a comprehensive lover...have your self -analysis with a base of new inputs from your wife , which she never would have opened up till now,but get those,analyse and start your changes ,if imperative......
Exactly. The only think I would do differently is tell her you WON'T continue this way. Use of that word will (hopefully) remind her that you have options.
I've begged her to see a MD about the problem for years, if its truly a lack of desire from a libido decrease. She's made that promise to me, procrastinated and broken it every time. She'll see a MD for the sniffles but not to say my libido is gone and there isn't any other reasonable explanation. I even researched doctors who specalized in female libido in our area. I've read some good books and tried to get her to read them also. Those were a bust. She refused to read them with me.
I know that I'm far from perfect and I've made my share of mistakes in our relationship. I'm a man. We communicate differently. Our biological brains have sex in a different order than most women and vice versa. But it's also true from my experience that we can't give intimacy as a man for any length of time if we're being rejected routinely and regularly by our spouse. It's a vicious cycle that doesn't end well for anyone. We will give up or sacrifice just about anything to have our needs met, including fidelity. That's a simple fact in how our brains work. I know that's the point where I am and I've fought/suppressed those animalistic urges better than most guys would in my position. I've made myself miserable for the sake of her feelings and how she would feel if I returned the unfaithfulness. That's what I'm sick of doing. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated like a king in return for treating my partner like a queen.
I know there are things that I could have done/can do better. From my perspective, I'm the one on the dance floor begging to tango. My partner has her feet firmly planted off the dance floor looking around at everything else going on instead of jumping on the dance floor, taking a chance and cutting loose with a smile on her face until she forgets she can't dance or didn't want to.
I've told her how much the rejection hurts. I've told her that she is not available to me. Her response to be more available is a fine line between sarcastic and apathy. I've spent several nights on the couch because sharing a bed with someone who is perfectly content to roll over with a clean conscience, and not care enough for me to drop the indifferent attitude at the door drives me up a wall. I walk out and withdraw because she did it first to me and continues to do so.
I've withdrawn from her because my heart hurts and I'm tired of it being trampled on so carelessly. I don't want to exercise options. I want the woman I fell in love with to take action, not excuse. I want her to fight for me to win my heart back without me having to force her to do it by throwing the divorce word around or otherwise manipulate her into doing it. I've tried to nudge, lead, prod, pull etc the horse and with her, it simply hasn't worked.
I've begged her to see a MD about the problem for years, if its truly a lack of desire from a libido decrease. She's made that promise to me, procrastinated and broken it every time. She'll see a MD for the sniffles but not to say my libido is gone and there isn't any other reasonable explanation. I even researched doctors who specalized in female libido in our area. I've read some good books and tried to get her to read them also. Those were a bust. She refused to read them with me.
I know that I'm far from perfect and I've made my share of mistakes in our relationship. I'm a man. We communicate differently. Our biological brains have sex in a different order than most women and vice versa. But it's also true from my experience that we can't give intimacy as a man for any length of time if we're being rejected routinely and regularly by our spouse. It's a vicious cycle that doesn't end well for anyone. We will give up or sacrifice just about anything to have our needs met, including fidelity. That's a simple fact in how our brains work. I know that's the point where I am and I've fought/suppressed those animalistic urges better than most guys would in my position. I've made myself miserable for the sake of her feelings and how she would feel if I returned the unfaithfulness. That's what I'm sick of doing. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated like a king in return for treating my partner like a queen.
I know there are things that I could have done/can do better. From my perspective, I'm the one on the dance floor begging to tango. My partner has her feet firmly planted off the dance floor looking around at everything else going on instead of jumping on the dance floor, taking a chance and cutting loose with a smile on her face until she forgets she can't dance or didn't want to.
I've told her how much the rejection hurts. I've told her that she is not available to me. Her response to be more available is a fine line between sarcastic and apathy. I've spent several nights on the couch because sharing a bed with someone who is perfectly content to roll over with a clean conscience, and not care enough for me to drop the indifferent attitude at the door drives me up a wall. I walk out and withdraw because she did it first to me and continues to do so.
I've withdrawn from her because my heart hurts and I'm tired of it being trampled on so carelessly. I don't want to exercise options. I want the woman I fell in love with to take action, not excuse. I want her to fight for me to win my heart back without me having to force her to do it by throwing the divorce word around or otherwise manipulate her into doing it. I've tried to nudge, lead, prod, pull etc the horse and with her, it simply hasn't worked.
I feel for you; I truly do. Posts like yours frustrate me to no end. I don't know what the answer is when one spouse completely withdraws emotionally and sexually, and isn't the least bit interested in changing it. When all the options that are always suggested don't work, or you can't even find out if they WOULD work because the one spouse turns a blind eye, ear, and heart, it's done.
I really hate writing that because it sounds like it's the last thing you want, but unless you can get her to see the light, it's almost impossible.
It truly is like an addict who doesn't want to hear they've got a problem.
some random but possible ,thoughts on the matter :
her reasons can be startling..she may confess to not liking his ways of sex...his manners...or mere physical realms ..she may even have some affair..or she might have some other kind of sex drive.or even orientation, she might have encountered something/s outside their marriage etc etc ..ALL UNKNOWN to "phantom" about his diana...:-
Phantom, again it sounds like a time for ultimatums. Maybe start with something like this:
"Honey, you know how I feel about the lack of intimacy in our marriage and that I want it to change. I've made an appointment for you and I to see Dr X on March 21st. If you agin choose to find a reason not to go with me, I will then need to step back from this relationship becuse I can't continue on this way"
Hopefully this will put a little fear into her that her world could drstically change.
I personally would rather rent a room somewhere and live by myself if my marriage gets to this point. Don't get me wrong, I have similar issues but not to the same degree that you're experiencing and my wife is working on it although not as fast (or as often as I would like!
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Re: Sexual Frustration 
as I would like!
