Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Ive been married for 7 years and been faithful, but I'm feeling the urge to be with someone else for some raw hot sex that I haven't gotten from my partner in a long time. Sex for the first couple years was great and exciting. Now the only time we have sex is when I get angry for the lack of sex and attention. When we have sex, most of the time, its bland and boring. On the rare occasion that sex us mildly better, its because I'm trying my ass off to make it better. After one of those efforts, instead of trying to build on it, it seems to me that my partner does the opposite. It seems like there is a deliberate act to sabotage our sex life. I'm expected to accept a marriage without a basic need met. I feel like I'm trying to tango with someone who just doesn't want to any longer, someone who wants to make something that should be simple too complicated and not worth the effort. There are more blackout dates and exclusions than trying to redeem frequent flier miles.
I've talked about what my needs are and that they are unmet many times. I get blamed that its my fault that I don't (insert excuse here). I do what my spouse asks and I don't get what I need in return. I don't want to leave or divorce because we have children and I don't truly want to have sex or be with anyone else. On the other hand, that's exactly what I feel like I'm being pushed to do. I'm tired of being hurt by the rejection and the indifference I get. At this point I haven't actively done anything but I'm pretty sure that I'd jump on an opportunity to have what I don't get if I know that I wouldn't get caught. I feel guilty already but I'm not sure that is enough to stop me if the right situation comes up. Posted via Mobile Device
I know its a horrible idea and I know how much it hurts to be cheated on. I'ts the emotional/physical need to have someone want to screw you crosseyed that masturbation can't give you. I don't want to leave or cheat, I just want the woman I married who at one point was so available and ready to go it was half killing me to keep up. If it was always an issue, I wouldn't feel as frustrated. It's the can but won't effort that gets under my skin. Posted via Mobile Device
I know its a horrible idea and I know how much it hurts to be cheated on. I'ts the emotional/physical need to have someone want to screw you crosseyed that masturbation can't give you. I don't want to leave or cheat, I just want the woman I married who at one point was so available and ready to go it was half killing me to keep up. If it was always an issue, I wouldn't feel as frustrated. It's the can but won't effort that gets under my skin. Posted via Mobile Device
It sounds like sex is an "effort" now, and it wasn't an "effort" back then when she was always ready to go. Do you know why it has become an effort? When did it go from being fun to "effort"?
Ive been married for 7 years and been faithful, but I'm feeling the urge to be with someone else for some raw hot sex that I haven't gotten from my partner in a long time. Sex for the first couple years was great and exciting. Now the only time we have sex is when I get angry for the lack of sex and attention. When we have sex, most of the time, its bland and boring. On the rare occasion that sex us mildly better, its because I'm trying my ass off to make it better. After one of those efforts, instead of trying to build on it, it seems to me that my partner does the opposite. It seems like there is a deliberate act to sabotage our sex life. I'm expected to accept a marriage without a basic need met. I feel like I'm trying to tango with someone who just doesn't want to any longer, someone who wants to make something that should be simple too complicated and not worth the effort. There are more blackout dates and exclusions than trying to redeem frequent flier miles.
I've talked about what my needs are and that they are unmet many times. I get blamed that its my fault that I don't (insert excuse here). I do what my spouse asks and I don't get what I need in return. I don't want to leave or divorce because we have children and I don't truly want to have sex or be with anyone else. On the other hand, that's exactly what I feel like I'm being pushed to do. I'm tired of being hurt by the rejection and the indifference I get. At this point I haven't actively done anything but I'm pretty sure that I'd jump on an opportunity to have what I don't get if I know that I wouldn't get caught. I feel guilty already but I'm not sure that is enough to stop me if the right situation comes up. Posted via Mobile Device
I know what it is like to be sexually frustrated.. It sucks...
I almost had an PA last year (it was an ea to start with). I met the guy a bunch of times. I kissed him, but that is as far as it went... I couldn't do it and i refused to be a person I am not. At that moment i realized what I had to lose. The man i have been married to for the last 14 years.
If you are really considering having an affair, you really need to sit and think about what you really want. You having an affair is not fair to your wife, and not fair to you, It will make things much worse then they already are.
Some people can have an affair and not have it effect them whatsoever.. Others can't. It will eat at you every second of everyday.
The good news is you are here on TAM. There are so many people going through the exact same thing as you.. I was one of them.. I gave up. I stopped talking about sex to my husband, i stopped getting angry after months had passed.. I just stopped.
Granted having an affair is usually a quick fix to a problem, not a solution for the problem..
If she is unwilling to meet your needs then I would say move on.. However, I know it is not that simple
phantomfan, how many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing date like things, just the 2 of you: going for a walk/holding hands, just talking to each other about things that are important to each of you, a weekly date, etc?
I know what it is like to be sexually frustrated.. It sucks...
I almost had an PA last year (it was an ea to start with). I met the guy a bunch of times. I kissed him, but that is as far as it went... I couldn't do it and i refused to be a person I am not. At that moment i realized what I had to lose. The man i have been married to for the last 14 years.
If you are really considering having an affair, you really need to sit and think about what you really want. You having an affair is not fair to your wife, and not fair to you, It will make things much worse then they already are.
Some people can have an affair and not have it effect them whatsoever.. Others can't. It will eat at you every second of everyday.
The good news is you are here on TAM. There are so many people going through the exact same thing as you.. I was one of them.. I gave up. I stopped talking about sex to my husband, i stopped getting angry after months had passed.. I just stopped.
Granted having an affair is usually a quick fix to a problem, not a solution for the problem..
If she is unwilling to meet your needs then I would say move on.. However, I know it is not that simple
Your right it's not that simple. I've divorced once and its not something I want to ever go through again for many reasons. I was hesitant to get married a second time. Only because she restored my faith in women by the consistent level of care, thought and sensitivity that I used to get from her did I even consider getting married again. We lived together for more than a year before to make sure that everything was compatible (including our sex lives). Its going on 4 years now that this has been a problem and the anger has not subsided. I don't expect to be hot and heavy the entire time as it was in the beginning, that's not realistic. I don't expect her to be a porn star in the bedroom after a long day at work. I accept that there are ups and downs, good and bad. The only thing I've ever asked since this has been a problem is to deal with it, make time for sex and put it near the top of the list, instead of dead last. I've offered to do anything short of bringing others into the bedroom to spice things up and I've been very creative.
I'm not a cheater by nature, but a starving man is going to eat. I've turned down offers in the past out of love/respect for her and our marriage. They were never a temptation in the slightest. She says she's never cheated on me but I also feel like maybe she did and was never honest with me about it. I was her first real LTR. All of her previous relationships were not more than a month or two. I travel for short times for my job and so I know there was opportunity. It's been an issue in the past where she accused me of cheating on trips, when all I wanted to do was get home to her. I've spent thousands to fly her out on the spur of the moment just to be with her on longer trips, turning a business trip into a vacation. I'm actually traveling on business now and feeling lonely/hungry enough that I don't trust that good judgement will win out this time. I'm too lonely, too hurt and too starved for attention that I can't just sit in my motel room alone and wollow in my own misery. I can't be effectively doing my job in this funk.
I guess the bottom line for me is I know I have a choice, we always do. I don't want to give an ultimatum either because I don't want to follow through with dismantling the life that both of us have put a lot of work into, what could/should be an awesome partnership. I wish I had better cards to play than cheat and stay, cheat and leave, don't cheat and leave or be miserable. Lose, Lose, Lose.
phantomfan, how many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing date like things, just the 2 of you: going for a walk/holding hands, just talking to each other about things that are important to each of you, a weekly date, etc?
Right now, I would say not much. Even when I was not at the level of frustration I am at now and did much more, there was no difference. I've done many romantic and unexpected/thoughtful things on a very regular basis and that just isn't returned. I took her on a very romantic getaway, just the two of us to a very exotic location. I did everything right. What I got in return was one good hot and heavy session (of course initiated by me) and then the indifferent sabotage. It completely ruined the trip for me. It's that pattern that continues. It's one disappointment after another like that over the last few years. I do something really awesome things for her, show an incredible amount of thought and attention to meet her needs, make her life happy. It seems I can't get the time of day no matter what is going on, especially if I do something really awesome.
Phantom - I am in the same boat as you. No matter how hard you try to man up, rekindle the 'good old days', do your bit with the household chores, cuddle up to her, give her the massages etc what YOU actually crave as a man is sex and she isn't giving it.
Its YOUR fault. Period. All sex related problems in marriage are caused by the man either directly or indirectly. If you 'go over the side' it will be your fault. If you divorce it will be your fault.
You have a choice...accept the situation or divorce and pay the financial and emotional price.
Fortunately things aren't like that....I try to be realistic.
You are starving, you are not being fed at home....if someone else offers you food you'll take it. It is your wifes duty to feed you, just as it is your duty to love, cherish etc her.
Many people on TAM will tell you (as they have me) that you are simply trying to justify being unfaithful...make yourself feel better.
Divorce is so much easier when theer are no children etc involved. When you have children the price is even greater - alot greater.
It is your fundemental right to be happy. If having an affair or having a FWB is 'right' for you and your current situation, then go for it.... Enjoy your food....and if you wife finds out, then cross that bridge if and when you get to it.
Good luck.
Right now, I would say not much. Even when I was not at the level of frustration I am at now and did much more, there was no difference. I've done many romantic and unexpected/thoughtful things on a very regular basis and that just isn't returned. I took her on a very romantic getaway, just the two of us to a very exotic location. I did everything right. What I got in return was one good hot and heavy session (of course initiated by me) and then the indifferent sabotage. It completely ruined the trip for me. It's that pattern that continues. It's one disappointment after another like that over the last few years. I do something really awesome things for her, show an incredible amount of thought and attention to meet her needs, make her life happy. It seems I can't get the time of day no matter what is going on, especially if I do something really awesome.
Generally, a couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together doing date-like things to keep the passion going. Quantity is as important as quality.
Phantom - I am in the same boat as you. No matter how hard you try to man up, rekindle the 'good old days', do your bit with the household chores, cuddle up to her, give her the massages etc what YOU actually crave as a man is sex and she isn't giving it.
Its YOUR fault. Period. All sex related problems in marriage are caused by the man either directly or indirectly. If you 'go over the side' it will be your fault. If you divorce it will be your fault.
You have a choice...accept the situation or divorce and pay the financial and emotional price.
Fortunately things aren't like that....I try to be realistic.
You are starving, you are not being fed at home....if someone else offers you food you'll take it. It is your wifes duty to feed you, just as it is your duty to love, cherish etc her.
Many people on TAM will tell you (as they have me) that you are simply trying to justify being unfaithful...make yourself feel better.
Divorce is so much easier when theer are no children etc involved. When you have children the price is even greater - alot greater.
It is your fundemental right to be happy. If having an affair or having a FWB is 'right' for you and your current situation, then go for it.... Enjoy your food....and if you wife finds out, then cross that bridge if and when you get to it.
Good luck.
Right now, I would say not much. Even when I was not at the level of frustration I am at now and did much more, there was no difference. I've done many romantic and unexpected/thoughtful things on a very regular basis and that just isn't returned. I took her on a very romantic getaway, just the two of us to a very exotic location. I did everything right. What I got in return was one good hot and heavy session (of course initiated by me) and then the indifferent sabotage. It completely ruined the trip for me. It's that pattern that continues. It's one disappointment after another like that over the last few years. I do something really awesome things for her, show an incredible amount of thought and attention to meet her needs, make her life happy. It seems I can't get the time of day no matter what is going on, especially if I do something really awesome.
Have you sat your wife down and told her very calmly and very clearly that you are this frustrated in your relationship and this seriously considering divorcing her so that you can find someone with whom to have a normal sex life?
Phantom - I am in the same boat as you. No matter how hard you try to man up, rekindle the 'good old days', do your bit with the household chores, cuddle up to her, give her the massages etc what YOU actually crave as a man is sex and she isn't giving it.
Its YOUR fault. Period. All sex related problems in marriage are caused by the man either directly or indirectly. If you 'go over the side' it will be your fault. If you divorce it will be your fault.
You have a choice...accept the situation or divorce and pay the financial and emotional price.
Fortunately things aren't like that....I try to be realistic.
You are starving, you are not being fed at home....if someone else offers you food you'll take it. It is your wifes duty to feed you, just as it is your duty to love, cherish etc her.
Many people on TAM will tell you (as they have me) that you are simply trying to justify being unfaithful...make yourself feel better.
Divorce is so much easier when theer are no children etc involved. When you have children the price is even greater - alot greater.
It is your fundemental right to be happy. If having an affair or having a FWB is 'right' for you and your current situation, then go for it.... Enjoy your food....and if you wife finds out, then cross that bridge if and when you get to it.
Good luck.
Thanks! I don't need to justify what I know is wrong. I don't want FWB. I've been there and done that. What I want is for my wife to realize that our marriage is at stake and fight for me without me having to lay down an ultimatum, before something bad happens. I don't honestly know if she would send me packing if I cheated, got caught and admitted it. I'm not sure that I wouldn't send her packing if an indiscretion in the past has lead to years of neglecting my needs. People make mistakes and everyone is human, but patterns of behavior is something else.
What I need is a hot romp with someone who is into me (in the way that you feel like the luckiest guy or girl on the planet) that would relieve the pain, rejection and anger I am feeling right now. I need for someone to treat me like I'm the only guy on the planet, with the winner getting screwed stupid (to put it bluntly). I want that to be my wife in the absolute worst way. That's what my heart has been aching for and not given. Unfortunately for me she's not here and has squandered so many opportunities to make a simple choice, to step up to the plate and take a home run swing JUST ONE TIME, I've lost count.
I do feel better knowing that I'm not alone with this issue, but I sure do feel alone at this point as I'm sure everyone does in our situation. If something doesn't change and it happens, then I will have to make other choices. I think I could pretend it never happened if something did go down. I really would rather not chance it. If this is what a drug addict feels like when they are without their fix, I understand why its so hard to be clean. A small sliver of hope is all that seems to stand in the way of a tsunami of hopelessness (at least from my current point of view). Nothing has changed yet. Something has to give. It will either get better or worse. I wish I had the answer and it was simple. From my perspective, its a simple fix that I don't have control over other peoples choices.
I wish, in cases like yours, that our wife would come here and share things from her perspective. Without that it's all a guessing game.
What is it that she tells you are the problems?
What you want from your wife is completely reasonable. It's what I want from my husband as well and do not get. I do not understand people who will not put out the effort to keep their marriage passionate.
Thanks! I don't need to justify what I know is wrong. I don't want FWB. I've been there and done that. What I want is for my wife to realize that our marriage is at stake and fight for me without me having to lay down an ultimatum, before something bad happens. I don't honestly know if she would send me packing if I cheated, got caught and admitted it. I'm not sure that I wouldn't send her packing if an indiscretion in the past has lead to years of neglecting my needs. People make mistakes and everyone is human, but patterns of behavior is something else.
What I need is a hot romp with someone who is into me (in the way that you feel like the luckiest guy or girl on the planet) that would relieve the pain, rejection and anger I am feeling right now. I need for someone to treat me like I'm the only guy on the planet, with the winner getting screwed stupid (to put it bluntly). I want that to be my wife in the absolute worst way. That's what my heart has been aching for and not given. Unfortunately for me she's not here and has squandered so many opportunities to make a simple choice, to step up to the plate and take a home run swing JUST ONE TIME, I've lost count.
I do feel better knowing that I'm not alone with this issue, but I sure do feel alone at this point as I'm sure everyone does in our situation. If something doesn't change and it happens, then I will have to make other choices. I think I could pretend it never happened if something did go down. I really would rather not chance it. If this is what a drug addict feels like when they are without their fix, I understand why its so hard to be clean. A small sliver of hope is all that seems to stand in the way of a tsunami of hopelessness (at least from my current point of view). Nothing has changed yet. Something has to give. It will either get better or worse. I wish I had the answer and it was simple. From my perspective, its a simple fix that I don't have control over other peoples choices.
---How "was" your Wife in bed, whenever she was and her Libido and things she seemed to be liking and disliking, telling you ever her own needs like how she wants it.....?
well randomly, let me say..
Get her next time into intimacy as you used to get her ( even try newer coaxing ,foreplay techniques) ..once in "bed",Try "unconventional" foreplay,through peculiar touch n slow caress plus a tickling n softly paining mode knowing the spots and how to do it and resort to innovative lovemaking techniques with her...from head to toe ,from her feet to head ...use Power and Love ,balance your Timing and Staying Power, show Love n care n Passion in words and deeds while in the act...sometimes or many times, MANY women like reckless sex with passionate love in Eros and being "devastated"..
Generally, a couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together doing date-like things to keep the passion going. Quantity is as important as quality.
What are the complaints your wife makes?
Her number one complaint is that I don't excuse her from sex since she does housework, takes care of the children, etc and is otherwise faithful according to her. Again I don't know that I believe her based on my experience but I don't have a smoking gun to know for sure that she hasn't been faithful. Some of her behaviors, and things she's said to me are classic signs of a spouse who cheated. Unconfirmed cheating aside, I can cook, I can clean, parent and take care of myself. As a man, I'd gladly trade one or more of those strengths and step up where needed for a wife who proudly wears a "porn star" hat in the bedroom, for a wife who doesn't complicate life by ignoring my sexual needs, much less blame me or tell me I need to accept and be thankful for what little I do get.
She sometimes complains about the lack of affection (kissing, compliments) which is not true from my point of view. I have taken the time to do date like things, buy flowers, hang out, take her out, do what she wants as much as possible. I expect for her to "schedule" a few minutes of her undivided "attention" in return for what I do. I am not an unreasonable man, but I am a man. I do the things she asks until the affection I've given isn't returned for days and I'm too frustrated to do those things any more without getting what I need in return. I've done my damnest to spoil her rotten. I like doing it and I don't keep a ledger to make sure its a 50/50 even return on my investment in her. IMHO, the return isn't even close.
It should be simple. Guys are wired/will give women the world to get sex, and women are wired to give sex to get affection. It's a nice symbotic yin/yang that works well when both are giving themselves freely to each other. When one doesn't give the other person what they need in exchange for what they want/need, it's dysfunctional. When I give her what she wants and she does not give me what I need, I consider that to be a form of unfaithfulness to the vows to love, honor and cherish. I definitely do not feel loved, honored or cherished.
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Sexual Frustration 
