Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
I'll start from the beginning...sorry for the long post, but I am at a loss and feel completely numb to emotions, everything...
Porn was never an issue in the beginning of our relationship, I knew he watched it sometimes, and I was completely fine with it. About a year ago, it became a problem for us, and for me. He would stay up every night until 4 AM to watch porn and get off, would never come to bed with me anymore, he would come ask if I was "available" and when he did that, I obviously felt like a piece of meat, so no, I wasn't available, and his back up plan was porn.
It tore me down, it made my self-esteem go down, it made me feel just so ****ty it is indescribable. We didn't have sex for months, and before then, there wasn't any intimacy or love or affection...I was simply a sex toy. Not to mention, he would watch it on his phone on his breaks at work, on his lunch hour at work, sometimes when I was right there beside him...
Fast forward to about a month ago, we had a long talk...he finally admitted it was a problem for him, and that he was the type of guy who had to have it all the time, or none at all. He told me he cared how I felt, and he told me to delete everything off his phone, off his computer, and I did. He suggested that if he watches it again, we put a porn blocker up that only I know the password to...but I know that wouldn't work.
For one month, I know he didn't watch any porn. (This I know forsure) He finally masturbated by himself the other night and throughout the month, I began to trust him and I began initiating sex more, and we were having what I thought was great sex anywhere from 5-7 days a week. I'm pregnant and can't do a lot of crazy ****, but I did open up more after I started trusting him.
Last night I found out he watched porn the other night when he was in the bedroom on the phone when I was on the couch because I had the stomach flu and he didn't want to catch it. a month ago I asked him to tell me about it if he had a relapse so we could work on it right away and so I didn't feel like he was trying to hide it from me. The same day he watched porn at work on his break because he was "bored". I see a pattern here, and because of our issues in the past, and he knows this...when he watches porn, I don't want to touch him. I don't want to be sexual with him...nothing.
He made the decision after a month of not watching porn, to just go ahead and do it, with a snarky attitude when we talked afterwards...which slowly diminished. He knew how I felt about it, he knew my issues with it, he knows it's a problem for him...we both do.
So, I am numb now...I don't know how to feel, what to do - but I am very close to telling him we aren't getting married until this issue is solved. I told him I would never leave him because of it, and would do everything to support him, and I have and always will...but that doesn't mean that I have to feel tied down in a mariiage when some of the things he says make me think he'd just go farther down the tube and end up thinking about cheating, or actually do it.
I don't think I am wrong for feeling this way, I have always calmly talked to him about it, discussed how both he and I felt...but I feel like this issue isn't fixable with us. He doesn't want to go to counselling, he doesn't believe in councellors, and thinks they will all be against him...so...would it be wrong of me to say I won't marry him because of the way I am feeling?
I don't want to give him an ultimatum, that isn't how I am intending this to go down, but I feel like with issue, it's going to be an ultimatum either way.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
Thanks for reading and replying - I don't want anyone to be mean, I am not a selfish woman by any means, and his feelings matter just as much as mine do to me...so I am hoping someone can give me some advice.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalicias
Thanks for reading and replying - I don't want anyone to be mean, I am not a selfish woman by any means, and his feelings matter just as much as mine do to me...so I am hoping someone can give me some advice.
I think you are very smart to be concerned and deal with this before getting married. I know from reading other's posts that it can turn into a huge issue and destroy a relationship.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
I know it's not right to check his phone history and internet history - but when it became a problem for us, I felt like it was my job to make sure it doesn't get as far as it once did again...I don't do it to be nosy, but more to make sure our relationship doesn't go down the ****ter - because I know he wouldn't bring it up until it gets as bad as it needs to for him to realize again that it's a problem.
I want to not only look out for myself and our children, but I want to make sure he is stable and he was happier in that month he didn't watch it - he was more involved with me and our kids, and the planning of the new baby...it's gotten bad enough that I can instantly tell without checking up on him when he's watched porn, he feels guilty about it...and I told him that if he feels terrible after doing it, and feels guilty - then it's just not a good thing for our relationship.
Last night I threw my hands up and told him - look, you know my feelings on the subject, and he tried to ask me to have sex with him last night after I found out and he knows I didn't want to touch him. I just don't understand how insensitive he can be towards me.
Why would I want to have sex with you after I just found out you relapsed with porn? I feel like he isn't allowed to be mad me, I have told him how I have felt, I have told him what my boundaries are, I have told him time and time again...that I don't feel sexually attracted to you when you watch porn anymore because of the problems it's caused.
As an example, when we moved to our new apartment in January, we hadn't had internet set up for a week. Once we did get the internet set up, I was up doing my homework for school, and he blatantly asked when I was going to bed in a tone that was just horrifying to me. "When will you shut yourself into the bedroom so I can watch porn and get off?" I always felt like when I went to bed, I couldn't get up to get a glass of water, I couldn't go pee, because he would get defensive or sometimes even frustrated that I interruped him.
I walked out that night...I went for a walk...told him to do his business. Minus 30 degrees outside, I didn't give a ****. I just feel like he doesn't care about my feelings at all...
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
When his porn use affects your sex life, the time he has to spend with you and his getting a good night's sleep... yes he has a problem. You are right to be concerned about it.
With his new attitude.. the snarkyness, he is trying to now to intimidate you into just putting up with the porn.
IMHO, you should definately tell him that you will not marry him until it's solved. If it is not solved before marriage, it will get worse after marriage.
You will need to decide what "solved" means. Does it mean that he can never, ever access porn again? Does it mean that he can only use it when he does so with you? Or does it mean he gets one time a week/month/year to use it.
If he is not sincere about stopping it he will get more secretive about it and get better at hiding it.
One of the things that bothers me about internet porn is not only the porn itself but all of the interactive things on line that people get into. There are chat rooms where people go to have sex, there are video sites where people got to watch others have sex and sometimes join in with them. There are sites where people go to meet others who will meet them in real life for a one time (or sometimes an on going) sex encounter.
At 3am when you are asleep how and he’s on the internet, how are you going to know what he is doing? A keystrock and screen capture software is about the only way you will. And do you really want to spend time looking over his keystrokes and screen captures to see all that he’s doing?
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalicias
I just feel like he doesn't care about my feelings at all...
As with any addiction... he does not care about your feelings. It's the fix from his drug that he cares about. That is what addictions are about. The fix he is getting are the brain chemicals that are produced by the porn and by getting off on it.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
you know what? Sometimes it's okay to watch porn, but when it starts interferring with your relationship, then it becomes a big problem. He has a major problem. He needs to get professional help unfortunately and just as unfortunate, you can't be the one to do it. He has to get this fix. I would tell him that you will support him in anyway possible, but he needs to seek help for this or the relationship can't go forward.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
I made a video with him that he didn't even watch ever that was on his phone, well when we had the talk last month, he told me to delete that too, because it would put him in a "porn watching mindest", so solved to me is no porn at all it seems.
Now, when we had the talk last night, again, he said something that bothered me dearly...he mentioned how he masturbated to me, and got off, but sometimes he wants variety I guess, I forget how he worded it, but it was very hurtful...it's like he flat out said he doesn't want just me. Some of the things he said last night makes me think he would seek out further "experiences". I asked him what it was going to be like when the baby comes and I CAN'T have sex for two months?
His reply was simply, "I don't know."
It's scary when the person you love makes you feel like he needs more and more and more...and that you're not good enough anymore...he has told me because of the porn that now instead of looking at girls on the street as just the regular old manly thing to do, taht it got to the point where he thought sexual thoughts about them, and he didn't like that...
How do I react to these things he says and then trust him??
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
Well, I do want to marry him - I know that. I want to marry HIM - not the porn. The porn is an issue standing between us right now. As you can tell, I am working very hard on these issues, but really, there's so much I can do.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
Hi Dalicias ~
I agree with the others. Don't marry while there is such a large issue looming overhead. His porn use, or rather mis-use, is a symptom of something bigger underneath - an underlying selfishness or addictive type personality, an inability to focus on a larger picture and another's needs and desires (which is needed to make a successful marriage).
Does he acknowledge it as a problem in your relationship? And the "it" here is his general attitude toward you, which is manifesting itself with the porn use/hiding/lying?
Most of us have some amount of addictive tendencies - we tend to crave the thrill of the here and now over the benefit of something richer and deeper in the future. BUT, being able to defer those thrills is what sets us apart from anything else on this earth, and what also shows you whether he is truly ready for the commitment of marriage or not.
You can empower and respect yourself by sticking up for what you believe is right and for what you would want in a marriage. Do it NOW, as it does not get any easier after you get married and your lives become even more entangled.
There are places like the following that can help a person in your circumstances try and sort things out and get support:
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
He knows how ****ty I feel today, and I am talking with him as I speak here, I told him I was thinking about writing him a letter, but I didn't know if it was worth the time or not...so we'll see if he really wants to be in a marriage with me, if not, I have no problem being his life partner as long as he's doing what he can to try and fix these issues he has...
I will do everything to support him and help him, because I am in love with this man - he is a great man. I have every bit of faith in him, but the trust is gone for me, and that's something I know he can rebuild if he wants to...I just have to see what he truly wants for our relationship.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
This is what he replied to that with...
Well I think I can guess the content anyway. You want to make clear in writing how you feel about porn and me watching it. How maybe you feel worthless and unloved by me watching it and how you feel that I will do what I want regardless of how you feel. Im willing to admit that watching it again was a lapse of my better judgement. The pain it has caused you is not worth any satisfaction or whatever that I could get from it. I love you Alicia, and Im truly sorry. I know you wont take these words seriously but I'll say them anyway. I feel that the trade off between watching porn and losing my best friend/wife/all else is not worth it. Maybe I needed to see what pain my watching it actually does cause but I feel stupid for falling. I hope you can forgive me, and help me to recover your trust. I love you.
Re: Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?
Wait before marrying him. I wish I'd waited. My H has porn related issues that have basically ruined our entire sex life. We are close to sexless at this time, after only 6 months of marriage. He doesn't seem willing to work on things, claiming to be too embarassed over it all. I'm quickly losing patience, I am still young, and have a long and healthy sex life (potentially) ahead of me. The next step for me is leaving. I've had it up to my eyeballs with it all.
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Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved? 
