Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I tell him. And tell him. And show him. Guide him. He still has no idea! Part of him doesn't like to (or refuses to) behave as a sexual being. Which is why I started my 'embarassed' thread last week...
CandieGirl I haven't read the "embarassed" thread (I will though) but I have a question. You tell him and show him and guide him as to what turns you on, have you found out the same things about him? What turns him on, what his buttons are? My husband and I have gone through a slump period where he just didn't seem interested in sex and when I finally questioned him it was something new I had read and was trying out on him. I read that men like stimulation in the zone between the scrotum and the anus. So I started playing around in the area and apparently he didn't like it. Several times he lost his erection. So instead of dealing with that he started avoiding me when I indicated I was in the mood. Instead of telling me what was bothering him he would rather go without sex I guess. I'm wondering if someting similar is happening in your situation?
Another thing, it seems not to matter how long you are with someone you continue to learn lilttle things about them. I recently found out that while my husband likes pretty lingerie he is more turned on when I am wearing one of his white T-shirts to bed (as long as I am bare underneath). Here I've been spending a fortune on things from Victorias Secret when I would have been better off with the $10 Hanes three pack of t-shirts. Gotta love it
He just gets too shy to talk about anything...he says he's not used to talking about it. We're polar opposites. I learned very young how to have sex. How to have good sex! He buries his face in the covers...
But yes, I do try and explore all his possibilities...once I get him going, he's usually fine, it's just that it takes a lot (most of the time) to get him there.
He loves when I play with him beneath...loves to have a finger inside, too ;-) I guess I just am a bit resentful that all the 'play' has to be focused on him...what about me???
"I know exactly how to push my wife's buttons. She gets very aroused when I kiss her neck, rub the small of her back, caress her.... insert rest of 'moves'. I do these things when I want her, and she just does NOT respond" (Anyone have this happen???)
Actually I have had that happen to me.
It's important to recognize that not all women (or men, for that matter) have physical triggers for arousal, or the triggers (or arousal) invoke discomfort or shame.
My ex, for one, found sex to be inherently unappealing (at least with me) to a big extent. Instead of a typical reaction for a lady (being valued and cared-for leading to openness to sex), the prospect of sex itself killed the feel-good vibe. You would have thought she was contemplating sex with her brother.
The net result was that, while there was some sex, it was pity sex, attention-seeking sex, or procreative sex. And, sex always had lots of restrictions. Actual uninhibited, "going for it" sex was non-existent (as in never happened once) over 16 years.
DTO, a good point. some people are damaged. For many reasons. The truth maybe in some cases that the lacklustre result you got is the best they can do. Nobody misses what they never had in the first place.
Mrs T
It takes two, absolutely.
But I do believe the MAN has to lead in the learning. If he has the confidence to try, to make his partner feel comfortable, to ask the questions, to help her get over the good girl syndrome, etc.
Sure, she can read some books and go to a few websites to learn how to be more sexual. But most women learn how to explore their sexuality through their male partner. The trust and comfort has to be there.
It's sad to say, but the covenant of marriage itself does not mean security and comfort to a woman. I know a lot of people view it that way. We are married, of course I am committed to you. Not enough says the female ego sometimes. Prove it.
This hits the wall where the expectation is that the man makes 100% of the running 100% of the time, because for whatever reason the wife feels she shouldn't have to.
The other time it hits the wall is with those people (men AND women, mark you) who no matter what someone does to support them will NOT place their trust in another. There are people who for whatever reason seem incapable of not requiring total autonomy at all times.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
I've tried everything....the only thing that works is when I initiate, lead, ask, manouvre, whatever you want to call it.
It would be nice to feel a little desire (from my husband) every now and then. At the moment, we are having regular sex, and it's 99.9% my doing.
The good thing is that he's noticed I'm in a better mood; his words "You go kinda crazy when you're not having sex.".
So at least he is noticing SOMETHING, even if I can walk around nude and he doesn't even glance up...
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Originally Posted by CandieGirl
He just gets too shy to talk about anything...he says he's not used to talking about it. We're polar opposites. I learned very young how to have sex. How to have good sex! He buries his face in the covers...
But yes, I do try and explore all his possibilities...once I get him going, he's usually fine, it's just that it takes a lot (most of the time) to get him there.
He loves when I play with him beneath...loves to have a finger inside, too ;-) I guess I just am a bit resentful that all the 'play' has to be focused on him...what about me???
Do some reading through this site. Do a quick tally of posters (both men and women) saying what you are saying. When you get to several hundred, you'll realise that it isn't that uncommon, but that truly effective solutions are few and far between.
Why? They largely require the other person to want to change. You'll find a ton of advice about how to make yourself the best person you can and up your sex rank and lower the temperature and spin round and round on the spot, but unless and until the other person feels like responding, you're potless.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Do some reading through this site. Do a quick tally of posters (both men and women) saying what you are saying. When you get to several hundred, you'll realise that it isn't that uncommon, but that truly effective solutions are few and far between.
Why? They largely require the other person to want to change. You'll find a ton of advice about how to make yourself the best person you can and up your sex rank and lower the temperature and spin round and round on the spot, but unless and until the other person feels like responding, you're potless.
I agree with you, and I am weary of searching this site (and the entire internet) to try and find a solution. Looks like I'm on my own, because I'm hard pressed to find any book/blog/site that offers any advice at all to a woman in my situation. Everything seems geared toward men; as though men are the only ones who want a sex life.
But then, maybe that's it. Maybe I'm intended to figure it out on my own.
From a woman's perspective.... hearing men write about things like:
- "I don't even ask. She didn't give off the vibe I was looking for so I did not bother. Her body language said she was too tense and I'm sure she would have said no".
-Men write about being rejected, when they have done the dishes, cleaned the house, x,y,z but I don't see posts that say any of THIS:
"I know exactly how to push my wife's buttons. She gets very aroused when I kiss her neck, rub the small of her back, caress her.... insert rest of 'moves'. I do these things when I want her, and she just does NOT respond" (Anyone have this happen???)
My point was (sorry Phantom) that I'm not sure a LOT of husbands who are sexless even KNOW the moves that click their wives into "do me" mode. I'm serious.
How many women on this board will agree to the following:
You can be mad as heck at him. Doesn't matter what it is. You can be tired, feeling unappreciated, and worn down.
If he touches you in the right way, pursues you for the whole 2 minutes that it takes... you are putty in his hands. Because he knows just what to do.
Am I the only one that feels that way?
If there was a simple trick like that, trust me, I'm not a stupid man. The path to the bedroom would have a groove burned into the floor. If kissing on the neck was it, she'd have "i love you" in hickies on her neck, no joke.
For me, I do my part and I give the best of everything I have to her because its the right thing to do. That in and of itself should be the "it" as far as I'm concerned. My need to be with her should be enough to give me her best even when its not her favorite thing to do at the time. Both in and out of the bedroom, I think that attitude is the emotional glue that keeps a relationship going strong.
I've tried everything....the only thing that works is when I initiate, lead, ask, manouvre, whatever you want to call it.
It would be nice to feel a little desire (from my husband) every now and then. At the moment, we are having regular sex, and it's 99.9% my doing.
The good thing is that he's noticed I'm in a better mood; his words "You go kinda crazy when you're not having sex.".
So at least he is noticing SOMETHING, even if I can walk around nude and he doesn't even glance up...
If our sex life was regular and 99.9 percent my doing, I'd be ok with that. Would I like more active partner, sure. I fight not getting the chance PERIOD. Doesn't matter if I'm affectionate, do everything right or not.
I should clarify that it's only been a week...for months, almost our entire marriage, it was once a month, maybe twice...I'm waiting for him to revert back into 'no', 'I'm sick', 'I'm exhausted', 'whatever other excuse you feel like inserting HERE'....
He is doing it to shut me up, basically. Once he gets fed up of it, he'll want to stop again.
I agree with you, and I am weary of searching this site (and the entire internet) to try and find a solution. Looks like I'm on my own, because I'm hard pressed to find any book/blog/site that offers any advice at all to a woman in my situation. Everything seems geared toward men; as though men are the only ones who want a sex life.
But then, maybe that's it. Maybe I'm intended to figure it out on my own.
There may be more resources for men than women or geared towards them, but based on what I've seen here, its not gender specific. Even though men's sex drive is much more simplistic, when the switch is off, it's not happening for either. The attitude short circuit from my observations is a common point of failure. To me, it seems simple enough. If you're not in the mood and its important to your partner, make a choice, get help, fight, do until you get there mentally or physically. Build a bridge and get over it, whatever "it" is.
For me, I do my part and I give the best of everything I have to her because its the right thing to do. That in and of itself should be the "it" as far as I'm concerned. My need to be with her should be enough to give me her best even when its not her favorite thing to do at the time. Both in and out of the bedroom, I think that attitude is the emotional glue that keeps a relationship going strong.
Isn't this really it and they are in their comfort zone.
It's getting them out of that comfort zone that some have a
hard time with because it means that you too also need to get out of your comfort zone.....take action, do something, look ahead at what may happen.
It's looking ahead at the negative side of taking action that prevents many from doing something.
Whilst I think people over-think the potential negatives, there's a good reason why they do think about them. It's because they very well can backfire and go wrong. On the one hand, your partner might respond to your sexual suggestion with enthusiasm and ask why you didn't ask years ago, that they wished they had the nerve to and it becomes a regular thing.
On the other, they might call you a filthy minded pervert and you find that this suggestion has added 25mm rebar to the existing wall of resentment.
It isn't a risk-free investment.
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I believe that in many cases, if a marriage is strong, it can with stand some fiction, discussion, heated debated, trying different things, even walking away from the marriage for a period of time, heating things up even more.
In my opinion, many marriages are like a diamond. In certain directions, they are unbreakably strong, but a gentle tap in the right place and they can split. And unless you are very sure what you are doing, a tap along one of those fault lines, whether it's sex, money, children, status or whatever, can have very serious consequences, no matter how strong the marriage is in other ways.
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If that person really loves and cares about you, then they should respond and want to make a change, move things forward for the better.
If there's one thing that comes out over and over and over again on this site it's that relying on someone else to do the right thing when they aren't going to benefit is chancy at the very best.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Whilst I think people over-think the potential negatives, there's a good reason why they do think about them. It's because they very well can backfire and go wrong. On the one hand, your partner might respond to your sexual suggestion with enthusiasm and ask why you didn't ask years ago, that they wished they had the nerve to and it becomes a regular thing.
On the other, they might call you a filthy minded pervert and you find that this suggestion has added 25mm rebar to the existing wall of resentment.
It isn't a risk-free investment.
Of course, but what in life is? Anything that is worth while involves some risk.
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In my opinion, many marriages are like a diamond. In certain directions, they are unbreakably strong, but a gentle tap in the right place and they can split. And unless you are very sure what you are doing, a tap along one of those fault lines, whether it's sex, money, children, status or whatever, can have very serious consequences, no matter how strong the marriage is in other ways.
While this is inherently true, I am not sure what value can be taken from it. How many us are truly sure when we approach a problem with our spouse? If we were sure, it would likely not be a problem. If we are not sure, then do we not address the problem for fear of spliting the marriage?
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If there's one thing that comes out over and over and over again on this site it's that relying on someone else to do the right thing when they aren't going to benefit is chancy at the very best.
I agree with this, in so far as benefit includes avoiding an unpleasant result. Some people are just incapable of doing something unless there is something in it for themselves.
Of course, but what in life is? Anything that is worth while involves some risk.
Clearly, but a lot of people are what is referred to as "risk averse". Whether in talking to their partner about sex or financial investment, their view on the cost-benefit analysis is very conservative. And in some cases, with good reason. I don't think risk aversion is an unqualified good thing, but to many people who have been even a bit bitten in the past, they feel they have a goodish reason to be like that.
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While this is inherently true, I am not sure what value can be taken from it. How many us are truly sure when we approach a problem with our spouse? If we were sure, it would likely not be a problem. If we are not sure, then do we not address the problem for fear of spliting the marriage?
Most people have a fairly shrewd idea of where the fault lines are. They know if their spouse is OK with being tied to the bed but is going to go apesh!t over a suggestion to invest three months mortgage in a high-return higher risk bond. Or vice versa. If it's going apesh!t over something sexually pretty out there, or a significant amount of money, then it's OK - the fault line is fairly stable, I suppose you'd say.
If your partner is going to go doolally over keeping the lights on or you spending twenty quid, you've got trouble. It simply isn't something you can discuss rationally, or even argue about like adults.
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I agree with this, in so far as benefit includes avoiding an unpleasant result. Some people are just incapable of doing something unless there is something in it for themselves.
But most of the suggestions work on the principle that you can do something to make them decide to do just that, which is a bit of problem, I'd say.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
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Re: question for the sexless marriage crowd 
I'm wondering if someting similar is happening in your situation? 
