isla~mama

For those of you in sexless marriages (define that however you will, we average 0-3 times a year), does your LD/ refusing spouse have any other "issues" beyond being low drive? Like OCD, depression, PTSD, or anything else?

My husband is a compulsive hoarder and is highly intelligent (photographic memory). When we met he was living in conditions not unlike the hoarding shows on TV. Since living together we've devised a system for his hoarding, where he can designate an area in the house to hoard and nothing gets hoarded beyond the borders of that designation. Right now he has three rooms-- an office, a sunporch, and a room in the basement-- where he is hoarding. He's definitely not depressed and is quite the optimist about life.

This question is really just out of curiosity.

CandieGirl

We are maybe 1-2 a month...i consider that sexless. My husband takes an antidepressant due to a major depression that he went through 2+ years ago, before even meeting me. He is weaning off of it now.

Runs like Dog

Hoarding is an anxiety issue coupled with repressed rage and compulsions. All you're doing is putting a fence around it and hoping it stays contained. It's highly likely it won't stay contained.

frustr8dhubby

We are once or so a month and to my knowledge she has no issues other than not liking sex. I am the HD one and I am on anti-depressants!!

phantomfan

My definition of sexless is not about a number but fulfillment. If sex is too infrequent and the sex you do have doesn't satisfy, then I would call that "sexless". I'm sure some would say its no sex at all, but to the person unfulfilled, its the same as no sex.
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isla~mama

Does his depression cause his LD or was he LD before that?

isla~mama

I actually think there is a genetic component to hoarding-- 2 of our children are hoarders, and hoard some of the same things my husband does. I found hundreds of unsharpened pencils and paper towel/ toilet paper tubes in one daughter's room (that one daughter inherited the photographic memory). Another daughter is more of a sentimental hoarder.

He is a very happy guy but I don't discount the notion of there being rage and anxiety behind it somewhere. I have asked him to explain the compulsion and he says that he sees possibility in what I see as garbage. Everything has a potential future use. Books and magazines might contain a kernel of information that could transform into something greater.

I do worry we'll go down like the Collyer brothers, in old age.

isla~mama

This is a secondary issue we have-- on the rare occasion we do have sex, it's so awkward on his part that it's just embarrassing. I've tried everything in my bag of tricks but he still acts like a terrified teen on his first go round (he's 48!).

CandieGirl

I have to go by what he tells me about his past sexual history, and from what I understand, he's never really had much of a sex life. His first wife was one of those who stopped having sex once children appeared...aside from her, he had very little experience. I'm very HD, sooooo.....here we are. Since he's always had so little sex, he doesn't see a problem!

CandieGirl

And, I might add, getting him to discuss anything sexual is like pulling teeth!

isla~mama

My husband too!

phantomfan

It could be a man thing. I have a hard time communicating about the subject. Partly because I've been shot down and things havnt changed. Also guys believe women should be in tune with us and know without having to spell it out. Women are supposed to be sensitive and intuitive. My face and my mood is communicating even if I'm not saying it constantly that I'm miserable. My belief is if one has a problem then it's a problem for both and you better keep working on it until its fixed or a reasonable compromise can be agreed to and live with. They say if the wife ain't happy, no one is. I think it's if one is unhappy, both are going to be eventually.
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Workdog

Been married 39 years, totally zero-sex for the last 4, and looking for a way to fix or get out. W is a neat-freak, perfectionist, probably OCD to some extent. She came from a broken family with a dominant matriarchal system. She's never been interested in sex from day 1. Now she's re-writing our personal history so I'm the bad guy that I never knew I was. Maybe none of these things are diagnosable "issues", but they sure add up to spell "The End is Near".

Jadegreen

last year we doubled our sexual activity, from 2 times the previous year to 4. It was a hard won triumph that I really worked at (and learned a lot on the way). This year my goal is to achieve the same or slightly more, like 4-6 times -8 would make me ecstatic. Biggest issue seems to be busy lives and having fallen out of communication on this issue. After that, there is a quality issue for me. I suspect he is pretty low drive. but not sure, because our early life was quite fulfilling.

Jadegreen

Your comment is so interesting, Phantom. There is a kind of double speak - I'm trying to learn to be straightforward, but on the other hand, not critical. yowsers. Fine line to walk. and I feel pretty awkward about it, too.