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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-10-2012, 05:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default unhappy husband

Hi, I would like some advice on how to cope - married 26 years - sexual problems - very discontented husband, oppressively dissatisfied and disapproving of me - I have had severe depression & anxiety in the past, now have ME: which makes the sexual problems worse and his unhappiness causes stress which makes me more ill!! History of a very emotionally controlling mother who forced me to suppress my emotions - I feel as if I dare not say how I really feel - instinctively I think suppressing my huge emotions has also affected my sexual drive - almost as if, if I can't be who I am (can't express my real feelings), then I can't relax and enjoy sex either. But my feelings towards my husband can be SO negative, so disappointed, so frustrated about how he deals with adversity (he's very negative and just about every weekend and every holiday all our married life have been spoiled with his gloomy moods), when we try to sort things out it's just extremely stressful and nothing really changes. I'm just starting new treatment for ME and they've advised me to address the huge emotional issues as part of my healing - I know this issue of our marriage is affecting my health a lot. I feel like a second-class citizen in our marriage - that is, because I don't provide enough sex, I'm not entitled to have anything I want - companionship, emotional support, money spent on the house and garden, etc, - or an equal say in what we spend money on. It's awful because I cannot help how I feel, so it feels like I'm being punished for being ill and unhappy, though I try so hard to be positive and to keep going. Please help!!! Would be so grateful for any encouraging advice!!! Thank you so much for reading this.
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Old 03-10-2012, 07:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

are you both depressed?
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Old 03-10-2012, 08:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

Why don't you get some IC starting immediately to deal with you emotions, feelings,etc. Also, give it to your husband......... do anything and everything he wants in bed. Of course don't do anything beyond your limits but keep an open mind. At least for a couple of weeks and I bet things start changing.. for the better.
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Old 03-10-2012, 08:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

do anything he wants in bed?

that advice should be given to all women...
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Old 03-10-2012, 08:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

Hi Sara ~

Welcome aboard! I'm glad you joined the forum.

Well, let's see. You'll have to help me out here - I have no idea what ME is when you reference it.

As well, I am thinking that "ME" is actually the person you should be concerned about - as in - yourself.

You cannot make your husband happy, only he can. But you can work on your own self, your own issues, your own life. Own the issues that you own, and let him own the issues that are his.

You often see quoted that happiness is a choice (and best of all it's free)! That doesn't mean that we don't have rotten things happen to us, or that we don't have aggravations and such in our lives. It's more of an attitude. To be able to let go of the things that you can do nothing about, to work the things you can. Much like the serenity prayer if you are familiar with it:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference
.

You said that you suffer from depression/anxiety. Are you under care for those conditions - do you take medication, do you go to therapy?

If you don't do any kind of individual therapy, it may be beneficial to try that. There are also depression support groups that you could join - both online and maybe within your local community.

Do you have any interests, pasttimes, or hobbies that you pursue?

Do you exercise? One of the best things you can do is try and get out and take a walk everyday. It can help give you a totally different perspective on things.

Best wishes.
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Old 03-10-2012, 09:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

I've only known one person with chronic fatigue/ME, but I hope I can offer a little advice for you

Firstly, you need to have a positive support system. At this point, it seems that your husband is not able to be that support system. If you have close friends - confide in them! Or perhaps use this forum - there are some good people on here who want to help

From your post, it seems that you are not comfortable talking to your husband. Unfortunately, I think that might be the only way forward: for both of you to sit down and discuss how you feel and why you think you feel that way. Explain to him that you would like to have sex, but your ME and depressive feelings make it difficult to enjoy/endure.

I think there is a high possibility (from what you've written) that your husband is also suffering from depression.
Has he always been this way, or is this more recent?
Do you think it might be possible that this was a response to your unhappiness in the past?

As difficult as it might be, I think the only way to make progress here is to talk to eachother... He should be your support, and you should be his.

I hope you find a way to open up to him - if it is hard to talk face to face, try writing him a letter (where you can draft and edit it and be comfortable with exactly how you say everything).

Bottom line is that you need to let him know how this is affecting you. Although it is unacceptable for a husband to treat his wife the way you are feeling, it is quite possible that his own depression is stopping him from seeing/understanding you.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 03-10-2012, 10:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

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Originally Posted by Sarajo View Post
Hi, I would like some advice on how to cope - married 26 years - sexual problems - very discontented husband, oppressively dissatisfied and disapproving of me - I have had severe depression & anxiety in the past, now have ME: which makes the sexual problems worse and his unhappiness causes stress which makes me more ill!! History of a very emotionally controlling mother who forced me to suppress my emotions - I feel as if I dare not say how I really feel - instinctively I think suppressing my huge emotions has also affected my sexual drive - almost as if, if I can't be who I am (can't express my real feelings), then I can't relax and enjoy sex either. But my feelings towards my husband can be SO negative, so disappointed, so frustrated about how he deals with adversity (he's very negative and just about every weekend and every holiday all our married life have been spoiled with his gloomy moods), when we try to sort things out it's just extremely stressful and nothing really changes. I'm just starting new treatment for ME and they've advised me to address the huge emotional issues as part of my healing - I know this issue of our marriage is affecting my health a lot. I feel like a second-class citizen in our marriage - that is, because I don't provide enough sex, I'm not entitled to have anything I want - companionship, emotional support, money spent on the house and garden, etc, - or an equal say in what we spend money on. It's awful because I cannot help how I feel, so it feels like I'm being punished for being ill and unhappy, though I try so hard to be positive and to keep going. Please help!!! Would be so grateful for any encouraging advice!!! Thank you so much for reading this.
Two things. #1, don't give up. Two is if you're LD and your spouse is HD, its going to be easier for than if it were the other way around. Think of when you were first together and dating. How did things work between you? Simple, hot, and amazing (hopefully). Assuming that's what you want and you have a mostly willing partner with a higher drive, the ball is mostly in your court to fix. Also if that's your situation and you're willing, you're 90 percent there in overcoming the sex issue anyways. What I'm suggesting is that you follow the advice from the movie "what about bob" from the 90's. Every relationship has problems.. No relationship is immune. Take a vacation from them. You need it, he needs it. Maybe the "vacation" will help you two reconnect and meet both unresolved needs. I'm sure you have some unmet needs and so does he. Once you've gotten reconnected and on the same page in the bedroom, its your opportunity to address the equality issues. It's not going to get better with continued distance/conflict. Arguing doesn't usually result in a better relationship. Good luck!
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

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Originally Posted by discouraged1 View Post
Why don't you get some IC starting immediately to deal with you emotions, feelings,etc. Also, give it to your husband......... do anything and everything he wants in bed. Of course don't do anything beyond your limits but keep an open mind. At least for a couple of weeks and I bet things start changing.. for the better.
Thank you for replying. I am now getting some mentoring and support - and some good treatment for my CFS/ME (chronic fatigue) - which is helping. But if your other advice were only so easy to follow - believe me I've tried, over and over, all these years! But I'm not that good an actress - however I try he can tell my heart's not in it and so it's no good - doesn't really work! It's very difficult also when I'm physically ill, makes it so much harder - but it's long term so not easy.

Also, though yes, his mood improves briefly after sex, it never lasts - things don't change. But thanks for trying to help.
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Old 03-31-2012, 12:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: unhappy husband

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Originally Posted by Sarajo View Post
Thank you for replying. I am now getting some mentoring and support - and some good treatment for my CFS/ME (chronic fatigue) - which is helping. But if your other advice were only so easy to follow - believe me I've tried, over and over, all these years! But I'm not that good an actress - however I try he can tell my heart's not in it and so it's no good - doesn't really work! It's very difficult also when I'm physically ill, makes it so much harder - but it's long term so not easy.

Also, though yes, his mood improves briefly after sex, it never lasts - things don't change. But thanks for trying to help.
What he needs from you is hope, and what he needs to do is stop badgering you about sex.

He needs hope that the quality of the sexual side of the marriage have a chance to become rectified. My wife and I are about to start seeing a sex therapist in our area this next Friday I'll try and remember to let you know how that went... but I know for me while I have my doubts if the therapist will help us, it gives me hope. I know for a fact I need that hope.

He needs someone to vent his frustration at, and I would recommend someone like the following (i.e. not you): therapist/MC, close (male) friend, family member, pastor/religious figure, etc...

Once he finds a way to vent his frustration so that you can relax when around him (i.e. he can't have a dark cloud hanging over him even if he's not saying anything), and once he gets a glimmer of hope then you two will be in a place to really start fixing the issues in the bedroom (imo).
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Old 03-31-2012, 01:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Hi Sara ~

Welcome aboard! I'm glad you joined the forum.

Well, let's see. You'll have to help me out here - I have no idea what ME is when you reference it.

As well, I am thinking that "ME" is actually the person you should be concerned about - as in - yourself.

You cannot make your husband happy, only he can. But you can work on your own self, your own issues, your own life. Own the issues that you own, and let him own the issues that are his.

You often see quoted that happiness is a choice (and best of all it's free)! That doesn't mean that we don't have rotten things happen to us, or that we don't have aggravations and such in our lives. It's more of an attitude. To be able to let go of the things that you can do nothing about, to work the things you can. Much like the serenity prayer if you are familiar with it:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference
.

You said that you suffer from depression/anxiety. Are you under care for those conditions - do you take medication, do you go to therapy?

If you don't do any kind of individual therapy, it may be beneficial to try that. There are also depression support groups that you could join - both online and maybe within your local community.

Do you have any interests, pasttimes, or hobbies that you pursue?

Do you exercise? One of the best things you can do is try and get out and take a walk everyday. It can help give you a totally different perspective on things.

Best wishes.
Hi, thank you for your helpful comments. 'ME' is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - which I've had now for 3 years: it causes constant pain and exhaustion and makes life extremely difficult. You can imagine that it also makes me feel very disinclined for sex - my body is always so uncomfortable!

I so agree that I can't make my husband happy - I've known this, and tried to talk about it with him, for so many years - but he cannot seem to stop somehow expecting me to either make him happy or - I'm not even sure what he wants me to do, come to think of it - to stop wanting me to share his gloomy moods. He behaves as if, when I try to be positive and take positive action to sort my own problems out, I'm being uncaring and not acknowledging his problems. But I simply cannot bear all the nearly continuous negativity, it drains the joy and life out of me.

I completely agree with the idea behind the serenity prayer, and for myself, prefer to approach life (with all it's ups and downs) with a cheerful intent, trying to make the most of whatever good bits there are! But he can't seem to do that, seems resentful of me whenever I try to share my happiness at, for example, my garden/something nice on telly/any happy thought - as if he's disapproving and thinking "don't expect me to smile, I'm not happy and you can't pretend everything's ok". It's so terribly depressing - at the moment I can't wait for him just to not be around - I'm happiest when he's at work or away for work.

I had medication and counselling for my depression - which is not my current problem. ME/CFS is "depressing" of course, as is any chronic, ongoing illness, because you cannot do all the things in life that you used to. In my case, my favourite hobbies were dancing, walking and gardening, and with the CFS/ME I cannot dance, can only walk and garden a little at a time - but I've tried to adapt and have been loving doing some knitting and crocheting, when I can!

I've just started some new ME/CFS treatment, along with getting support from you guys here (and at another site called Horsesmouth with very helpful mentors) so I am working hard at making things better. But he clearly resents me spending time on myself, I can't ask him to help me with the self-massage I need to do every day for my treatment - and he resents any extra help I need, such as with housework.

Sorry to go on and on... but I don't know how much longer I can cope with him. We don't have enough savings to allow us to live apart anyway... and he has always refused to consider breaking up... we've had so many desperately unhappy conversations when I've expressed how unhappy I am and he's promised to try harder - but he can't seem to help how he responds to these type of challenges and I just feel that all my natural joy and ability to live positively is disabled by him. If I had enough money to live alone I think, finally, I would have to make that choice - it's hard to describe how bad he makes me feel, so much of the time.

It's all complicated - life usually is! - and I have emotional issues about expressing negative feelings from all the controlling stuff from my mother - so I'm not saying everything's all his fault. He is a very loving father to our grown up daughters and a man of integrity and commitment in his work. But for 20 years he's been making me very unhappy and I can't seem to find a way to solve the problem. In the end all I can do is avoid conflict, and him, as much as possible - we're even sleeping apart now. I was sleeping so badly because of his negativity - and his snoring! - and this was making my ME/CFS much worse: rest is essential.

I'd better stop for now! But your reply was very much in the right spirit, thank you so much. It helps a lot to be able to try to work things out, with someone to listen!
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:30 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Sounds like the big problem is your husbands dissatisfaction due to a lack of quality sex. You have blamed it on fatique and your mother. Are you sure you're not making exuses? You seem a bit negative when you say sex doesn't change his mood-as if to say, "okay, I gave some p***y, now leave alone". After 26 years you see it as a very good thing that he still desires his wife to such an extent. Give it up to him, sex him up good and often, without reservation.
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Sarajo ~

Yes. It's nice to have a place to come and just talk.

I don't have CFS/ME, but for the last 3 years I've had very severe thyroid problems that once I get regulated with medication it just goes out of whack again and I'm on the carousel of fatigue, dizziness, dispiritedness again. So, I can understand that merry-go-round. I have to mentally shake myself when I get to that point - it is hard to not be able to do the physical things that you once enjoyed. I can empathize with you in being able to learn how to enjoy sometimes even the smallest things and the smallest accomplishments.

You mentioned something of your background with a controlling mother. What's your husband's background like? Does he suffer from depression/anxiety? Or ever sought any kind of treatment or support for trying to get through the negativity he has?

You know, some people are just that way. I remember my grandpa was a person like that...had been like that from day one, I think. My poor long-suffering grandmother was a real trooper - truly learned how to find joy in the most simple of things. She somehow found a personal recipe for herself that allowed her to find some measure of happiness despite my grandpa's constant gloominess.

Has your husband been like this constantly throughout your marriage?

When you have discussed this, what does he say about it? He tries to improve and then slips back?

You say that leaving is not a possibility, but sometimes without some kind of consequence to enforce change, then the status quo prevails. But, change can be wrought simply by you changing you ... becoming happier with yourself, the things you can do.

I just read on another blog recently about something called the "tetris effect". From wikipedia "The Tetris effect (also known as Tetris Syndrome) occurs when people devote sufficient time and attention to an activity that it begins to overshadow their thoughts, mental images, and dreams. It is named after the video game Tetris."

In essence, if we focus on the negativity in our lives, in our spouses, then negativity is all we see and it becomes something of a self-perpetuating cycle. If we try and re-focus on the positives in our lives and in our spouses, we can start to see more positivity around us and in them.

Can you find any positivity in your husband and marriage that you can focus on? Can you re-inforce that by letting him know about those things? And if you try that for a awhile, do you see any positive changes in him?

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." ~L Buscaglia

Best wishes.
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Old 04-01-2012, 12:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Sounds like the big problem is your husbands dissatisfaction due to a lack of quality sex. You have blamed it on fatique and your mother. Are you sure you're not making exuses? You seem a bit negative when you say sex doesn't change his mood-as if to say, "okay, I gave some p***y, now leave alone". After 26 years you see it as a very good thing that he still desires his wife to such an extent. Give it up to him, sex him up good and often, without reservation.
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Hi, thanks for replying. I don't disagree that one big part of the problem is lack of quality sex...for both of us. But, (I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman to feel this way) it isn't always that easy for women!!

Yes, in a way I suppose it IS good that he still seems to want me after 26 years - especially given how unwell I am and how unfit - but I want to WANT sex, too! As a woman, I find it really hard to fake it - he knows me so well anyway, I can't fool him. I just feel so un-alive inside...I just don't have that buzz of desire...and I don't know how to get it back, when he's so difficult to live with.

Maybe it's different for men, but when I'm upset, disappointed and angry with him, I just can't feel sexual towards him - I want to scream and shout at him instead!! And that's how he makes me usually feel...I spend my life NOT saying how I'm feeling, because if I said what I thought, he'd just get very angry with me...believe me we've been there over and over again.

I will try - I keep trying - but it's like I know he is too resentful of me to really care about how I feel - he isn't loving and caressing so my body just can't respond - he wants me to do all the work...and I've lost trust in him.

But today he's done a little bit of work around the garden and home to help me, and is a little less angry...so if I don't feel too ill later, I will try!!
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Old 04-01-2012, 03:35 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Sarajo View Post
But, (I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman to feel this way) it isn't always that easy for women!!


But today he's done a little bit of work around the garden and home to help me, and is a little less angry...so if I don't feel too ill later, I will try!!
Nothing worth having is easy! I'm glad to hear you're trying. Good that you have an open mind to my candid comments, that's a good sign, too.
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Old 04-04-2012, 02:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I've only known one person with chronic fatigue/ME, but I hope I can offer a little advice for you

Firstly, you need to have a positive support system. At this point, it seems that your husband is not able to be that support system. If you have close friends - confide in them! Or perhaps use this forum - there are some good people on here who want to help

From your post, it seems that you are not comfortable talking to your husband. Unfortunately, I think that might be the only way forward: for both of you to sit down and discuss how you feel and why you think you feel that way. Explain to him that you would like to have sex, but your ME and depressive feelings make it difficult to enjoy/endure.

I think there is a high possibility (from what you've written) that your husband is also suffering from depression.
Has he always been this way, or is this more recent?
Do you think it might be possible that this was a response to your unhappiness in the past?

As difficult as it might be, I think the only way to make progress here is to talk to eachother... He should be your support, and you should be his.

I hope you find a way to open up to him - if it is hard to talk face to face, try writing him a letter (where you can draft and edit it and be comfortable with exactly how you say everything).

Bottom line is that you need to let him know how this is affecting you. Although it is unacceptable for a husband to treat his wife the way you are feeling, it is quite possible that his own depression is stopping him from seeing/understanding you.

I wish you all the best.
Hi, thank you so much for replying, sorry I've been a while responding - I rarely get time alone to think about this! You are so right about needing support - and, already, I'm finding that this site is helping a lot.

I've found that, sometimes, just admitting how bad you're feeling, and "saying it out loud" (that is, typing it here!), can kind of release some of the worst of the stress. It seems as if, once I've expressed how bad I feel, I can then begin to work my way back up to more positive feelings.

Since "talking" on here, and feeling that several of you have taken the trouble to read my post and give me your thoughts (thank you all so much!) the worst feelings of just not being able to cope with him have reduced - I've also felt braver about calmly explaining that the ME means I need some time away from ALL stresses and demands, to rest and recover (and do my new treatment exercises) - he seems to be understanding this better.

True, we both have a few days off work, so both of us are less stressed than usual, which is a good thing! I've also made the effort - not without difficulty with ME discomfort - to be physical with him: although this isn't straightforward for us (doesn't always "work", nowadays! ) and he is less angry, at least for a day or two...

As for depression, well though I've been through that myself (and it was awful, worse than any physical illness I've ever had) and wondered if he also was depressed, he won't accept this, denies it. I think, to be honest, it is more about "mood" with him - more to do with his attitude and expection/disappointment with life - but this is tricky because he so rarely is in a good one! He was ok yesterday, most of the day - let's hope, when he wakes up, that I find he's ok today too...

I am having to try to step back from his moods - another mentor (on horsesmouth uk) reminded me that his moods are about him, not me - and try to keep my own positivity even when he's angry at the world. Not easy and for so many years it's pulled me down - but physical distance can help: for example if he's in a bad mood, it's better if I'm not in the room with him!!! In another room I can try to keep my happy inner self "safe" and get on with my hobbies/rest peacefully etc. I feel I'm making progress, at least, with him understanding that his moods make life very stressful for me - and that it isn't really "personal" if I need time alone so that I can avoid stress.

Thank you again for listening, and giving me a place to work out my worries!
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