Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm a parent too. I went through that. But it does change. And you need to make time. I didn't do dishes every night or other things for many years. Firstly.. they would be there tomorrow. And I chose to either play with my son or my SO instead. There are things you can let go of. Eventually your kids get old enough to help with the house too. I discovered that being intimate was a good stress break for me too. I deserved to pamper myself too, didn't I? Same with choosing to go to bed really early on a Thursday night, to heck with dishes. Then I had more energy on Friday night for date night!
Thanks for the response, sounds like you made a real effort at keeping the love alive. In my house:
- there is no way the kitchen isn't spotless after dinner, unless someone required an emergency room visit. My wife could not go on to the next task without everything done. And I do help - A LOT.
- the remainder of the night entails making lunches for the next day, folding clothes up in our bedroom, showering, reading, talking on phone, etc. Starts yawning at 8:30-9 pm.
- there are no date nights. I used to beg her to go out and stressed that we needed our own time and she doesn't trust the apples of her eye with anyone but family and one friend. Used to watch the clock while at dinner when we did go out, talk only about the kids and go right back home. Completely insulting to me, so I stopped asking her to go. Would talk to her mother/sister/friend about the kids when we got back, the night was over for me.
- Would not stay overnight even one night without the kids. Married 18 years and every vacation/short trip involves the kids. Even if we had separate rooms, no sex. "Hotels are gross and I'm not comfortable" is the reason.
- has no problem with the kids coming back home after college as long as they want. can't imagine life in the house without them.
Year after year of this crap and I don't see her sexually anymore. She's made several comments about my not "liking" her anymore. I said how can I in such a dysfunctional marriage, it's pretty obvious I'm last in this house but at least I'm good to have around to support her lifestyle, with kids in private school but it's never enough - wants a shore house. What a *****.
Our sex life does not suffer, even if we are going through difficult times. We have come a long way with learning how to communicate negative feelings lovingly and respectfully. Even when my husband and I were arguing a lot and neither of us felt understood, we never let those feelings get in the way of enjoying lovemaking.
Sometimes it is difficult for the higher drive spouse to be attentive emotionally, when they are battling their own deep resentment from lack of sex. I don't think people consider how difficult it must be for the HD spouse!
HA! Hubs asked for a BJ once. It was sooo sweet too. He had a rough day and came home and said all he wanted was a beer and a bj. Bring it on!
Normally, he's like Firstyeardown's husband. Although, it's just natural for us to be within arms length of each other and start fooling around.
I can see if there is tension between a couple that it would NOT work well to just assume it's sexy time just because I'm awake
but I don't turn hubs down...unless dripping from my nose (which has happened lately).
With my ex, if he even insinuated sex, I was repulsed. He was just so unattractive because he was so mean and selfish.
I get both sides. I guess it all depends on the dynamics of the partnership and love between the people.
For us, it's just natural to be sexual at the drop of a hat, even though we have children. We locked the door this morning and had our fun. I came out to cook breakfast...feelin great
Our sex life does not suffer, even if we are going through difficult times. We have come a long way with learning how to communicate negative feelings lovingly and respectfully. Even when my husband and I were arguing a lot and neither of us felt understood, we never let those feelings get in the way of enjoying lovemaking.
Sometimes it is difficult for the higher drive spouse to be attentive emotionally, when they are battling their own deep resentment from lack of sex. I don't think people consider how difficult it must be for the HD spouse!
Yea, even through our worst times, our sex was tender and affectionate and amazing. I guess we found our matches!
Everyone judges others whether we want to admit it or not, Enchantment.
Why can't the withholding spouses, have empathy for their sex starved husbands and wives? It goes both ways.
I suppose it is harder for me to understand since I have a high drive.
I have always been a high drive person too. I'm a two time a day kinda woman. And sometimes I would take care of my self on top of the two times a day. My friends have been calling me a nympho since highschool. But I haven't had sex since the beginning of last October. Why you ask? Because of the way my now stbxh treats me inside and outside the bedroom. Put simply just because I love sex doesn't mean I love having it with someone who refuses to work on our issues. If I wanted to **** an a$$hole I already have one lol. Don't need two.
Today I was reading a book while lying in bed. My husband wanted to make love, so he took my book away and started kissing me. As my husband began to strip my clothes off, I realized that I was tired and not in the mood for sex. We made love despite this because there is no harm in making my husband happy, even if I may not feel like sex. We had a great time and I simply had a long nap afterwards.
I have a rule about not rejecting my husband, unless I absolutely must do so. Except for illness and extreme fatigue, I believe that there is no need to refuse him. After all, there is nobody else that should be fullfilling my husband's sexual needs except his wife. It becomes a slippery slope when couples start to say no all the time, just because they may not be "in the mood" for something.
What is so hard about having sex when we may not always want to? Even if a spouse doesn't want to have sex when they are approached, isn't it easy to get into something so pleasurable and beautiful? I feel so sad when I read about all the sexless marriages on TAM. Sometimes I think that the sexually reluctant spouses are being rather selfish and unfair. I can understand not wanting to be intimate if infidelity or childbirth has recently occured, but withholding for selfish reasons solves nothing.
A fine example of what I believe is an underlying issue with sex in a marriage. FirstYearDown, your hubby found your triggers. He knows how to get you in the mood, and he does it. So you respond, with enthusiam.
What would you have done if he had stood next to the bed and shook his weenie at you and said "can I have a bj"?
(ok, if that works for you... insert another example ha ha)
Under most circumstances that would be a turn off but sometimes the husband is in a playful mood and that scenario would send me into a fit of laughter...and then I'd grab that weenie and start playing. But here again, the mood and the approach make all the difference.
Thanks for the response, sounds like you made a real effort at keeping the love alive. In my house:
- there is no way the kitchen isn't spotless after dinner, unless someone required an emergency room visit. My wife could not go on to the next task without everything done. And I do help - A LOT.
- the remainder of the night entails making lunches for the next day, folding clothes up in our bedroom, showering, reading, talking on phone, etc. Starts yawning at 8:30-9 pm.
- there are no date nights. I used to beg her to go out and stressed that we needed our own time and she doesn't trust the apples of her eye with anyone but family and one friend. Used to watch the clock while at dinner when we did go out, talk only about the kids and go right back home. Completely insulting to me, so I stopped asking her to go. Would talk to her mother/sister/friend about the kids when we got back, the night was over for me.
- Would not stay overnight even one night without the kids. Married 18 years and every vacation/short trip involves the kids. Even if we had separate rooms, no sex. "Hotels are gross and I'm not comfortable" is the reason.
- has no problem with the kids coming back home after college as long as they want. can't imagine life in the house without them.
Year after year of this crap and I don't see her sexually anymore. She's made several comments about my not "liking" her anymore. I said how can I in such a dysfunctional marriage, it's pretty obvious I'm last in this house but at least I'm good to have around to support her lifestyle, with kids in private school but it's never enough - wants a shore house. What a *****.
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,873
Re: What is so hard??
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeverAgain12
Thanks for the response, sounds like you made a real effort at keeping the love alive. In my house:
- there is no way the kitchen isn't spotless after dinner, unless someone required an emergency room visit. My wife could not go on to the next task without everything done. And I do help - A LOT.
- the remainder of the night entails making lunches for the next day, folding clothes up in our bedroom, showering, reading, talking on phone, etc. Starts yawning at 8:30-9 pm.
- there are no date nights. I used to beg her to go out and stressed that we needed our own time and she doesn't trust the apples of her eye with anyone but family and one friend. Used to watch the clock while at dinner when we did go out, talk only about the kids and go right back home. Completely insulting to me, so I stopped asking her to go. Would talk to her mother/sister/friend about the kids when we got back, the night was over for me.
- Would not stay overnight even one night without the kids. Married 18 years and every vacation/short trip involves the kids. Even if we had separate rooms, no sex. "Hotels are gross and I'm not comfortable" is the reason.
- has no problem with the kids coming back home after college as long as they want. can't imagine life in the house without them.
Year after year of this crap and I don't see her sexually anymore. She's made several comments about my not "liking" her anymore. I said how can I in such a dysfunctional marriage, it's pretty obvious I'm last in this house but at least I'm good to have around to support her lifestyle, with kids in private school but it's never enough - wants a shore house. What a *****.
First off, wonderful mothers are wonderful things. However; I have had a discussion at one time with the wonderful mother I'm married to. Let me make a disclaimer up front so you can decide how much stock to put in what I'm saying. I've never been in a situation where it was years at a time without intimacy. It's never even been months at a time for us, but there have been times of mutual frustration between my wife and me and we've had to talk about these things and resolve them. Her worry and not giving me my turn in her mind is one we've addressed a time or two - not an ongoing thing because we both made the effort to change the situation (end of disclaimer).
The way I framed it: I always made sure I recognized her as a wonderful mother when I talked to her. When we discussed this, I reiterated my love for the kids, too, and how much I wanted to see them successful, or have them back home, etc. Then I told her, "But it's never my turn in your mind. I need my turn when you turn off the worry about other things, and we talk about us, make love where you are focused only on my and not on what the kids need to do tomorrow ... "
I had a few things I also needed to do to help her unwind and unstress. She was able to articulate for me what those things were, and I took action on them, so I'd say make sure you listen here, too, but you have to address never having a turn in her mind. I hope in your case it can be done without making her feel guilty for being a diligent mother, and in fact, I don't think it will be effective if she's made to feel guilty about being a diligent mother.
Today I was reading a book while lying in bed. My husband wanted to make love, so he took my book away and started kissing me. As my husband began to strip my clothes off, I realized that I was tired and not in the mood for sex. We made love despite this because there is no harm in making my husband happy, even if I may not feel like sex. We had a great time and I simply had a long nap afterwards.
I have a rule about not rejecting my husband, unless I absolutely must do so. Except for illness and extreme fatigue, I believe that there is no need to refuse him. After all, there is nobody else that should be fullfilling my husband's sexual needs except his wife. It becomes a slippery slope when couples start to say no all the time, just because they may not be "in the mood" for something.
What is so hard about having sex when we may not always want to? Even if a spouse doesn't want to have sex when they are approached, isn't it easy to get into something so pleasurable and beautiful? I feel so sad when I read about all the sexless marriages on TAM. Sometimes I think that the sexually reluctant spouses are being rather selfish and unfair. I can understand not wanting to be intimate if infidelity or childbirth has recently occured, but withholding for selfish reasons solves nothing.
Great approach and mindset. For my wife she struggles with being tired and stomach issues. On instances where she is not willing to accept my advances she appologizes for turning me down and makes it clear she wants a rain check. She will initiate another time to make up for turning me down. Unfortunately, usually have to wait too. Long, in a perfect world this would not be the case but....
I trully wonder though if the "sexless marriage " posts belong here in the "sex in marriage" section. I am wondering if the clueless witholding spouses are on the other parts of this message board asking things like "why is my husband/wife so unwilling to communicate, help around the house. I hear so many people make commments directed at sex-deprived men assuming they don't help around the house etc. I know guys whose wives do very little. Don't work, have cleaining ladies, nannies and still are not happy.
He never has to ask for a BJ, so the approach you mentioned would just make me laugh.
Some of my triggers include dirty talk and being "taken"...love to be gently overpowered by my husband's overwhelming desire.
He loves dirty talk too, so I call him at work and tell him things that I won't write here.
Mommy Mode is one of the reasons we will not be having kids. Although it is possible to have a great sex life with children, we love all the freedom and spontaneity which being childfree affords to us.
Freedom and spontaneity do decline with kids but having kids is awesome and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
That said, I respect how you feel and it is great that you and your husband are in agreement over it. Having kids is a big decision and it is definitely not for everyone. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: What is so hard?? 
Sometimes I think that the sexually reluctant spouses are being rather selfish and unfair. I can understand not wanting to be intimate if infidelity or childbirth has recently occured, but withholding for selfish reasons solves nothing.
