Originally Posted by strugglinghusband View Post
have you had to do this? and how did you get the cylce to break?
This sounds exactly like my wife, when we do have sex, she is just kind of there, I'm not a selfish lover, I want her to feel loved, desired and that I'm just not trying to use her or her body
, afterwards she just sits up and goes somewhere in her mind (best way I can describe it) I still hold her kiss her, tell how wonderful she is and that I truly love her, ( I almost feel like a rapist)...
This has not always been like this, just in the past year or so, I
tried and tried to get her to talk to me about it, her only explanation so far is that she just dosent like sex??? I then asked her "So ok, you dont like sex, what about before? when you initated, called my name, pulled me in, and we actually made love, that was all pretend?" her reply was that yes sometimes it was..(wow talk about a punch to the guts)...
She says she needs the emotional connection, but can not tell me what she needs in words, says she just dosent know???
I've read the 5LL, HNHN, passinonate marriage, when your sex drives dont match, MMSP, and many more, trying not be so needy and being a better me , I am always the one to say I love you first, physical touch is my LL and have scaled that back a lot, at this point she dosent want anything to do with the books....
I PM'ed you hope you got it.
That happened to me when I was 15 with an older man. I did not want sex but he insisted that it was part of love. I thought I was in love and he loved me. I was stupid and naive.
Have you tried marriage counseling? If she does not want to go then you should go for IC. Do you have children and how long have you been married?
My suggestion is to cool down the ILY and perusing her. Give her a chance to come to you. There is a risk that she wil not come to you and the distance between you will increase.
You have to decide before hand what would be the best thing to do. Stay in a relationship with distance and a spouse that seems disinterested in having you around or consider leaving the marriage.
If you have kids, this may be a very difficult decision. There are ways of minimizing the impact of divorce on kids.
I am not suggesting divorce as a first line response. Y need to pull out all the stops and do every thing you can to save this. Sounds like you have done a great deal.
It is interesting her response to your reading books. Most women can't get their husband to read a short newspaper article on relationships.
She doesn't know how lucky she is. Have you asked her if she wants to stay married? Have you asked her what she expects of you in a marriage with a woman who does not like sex?
Have you asked her what she sees as a future for you both? Ask her if she expects you will stay in the marriage with no intimacy?
These questions are volatile and you have to be ready for anger, resentment and simple refusal to talk. Then you have to decide what you will do.
Don't ask if you are not ready for some difficult to hear answer or no answer at all. If you don't have a plan don't ask.
Please come back and continue posting.