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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-15-2012, 09:08 AM   #61 (permalink)
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What is so hard about having sex when we may not always want to? Even if a spouse doesn't want to have sex when they are approached, isn't it easy to get into something so pleasurable and beautiful? I feel so sad when I read about all the sexless marriages on TAM. Sometimes I think that the sexually reluctant spouses are being rather selfish and unfair. I can understand not wanting to be intimate if infidelity or childbirth has recently occured, but withholding for selfish reasons solves nothing.
In some cases, it's only pleasurable for him... and he wants a performance of how fantastic it is for you or it deteriorates to an argument and him being all whiny and pouty... and when you are already tired and not in the mood, its even more of a pain in the @ss to put on the performance. And I know that there's something physically wrong with me that it's just not fireworks like everyone else feels, but doctors don't know what it is (I've had every test under the sun), and I get really tired of feeling broken and his determination that it's something he's not doing and he can "fix" me.
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Old 03-15-2012, 11:18 AM   #62 (permalink)
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In some cases, it's only pleasurable for him... and he wants a performance of how fantastic it is for you or it deteriorates to an argument and him being all whiny and pouty... and when you are already tired and not in the mood, its even more of a pain in the @ss to put on the performance. And I know that there's something physically wrong with me that it's just not fireworks like everyone else feels, but doctors don't know what it is (I've had every test under the sun), and I get really tired of feeling broken and his determination that it's something he's not doing and he can "fix" me.
Are you attracted to your husband? Do you have a lot of resentment built up (and building), both sex-related and otherwise? Have you had any orgasms with him lately?

It may not be a physical issue at all. You may not be "broken". It may be a mental block because you don't like your husband much these days, and/or are just not attracted to him anymore. It's hard to be loving (giving, sexually and otherwise) if you don't feel loving toward him.

It's also hard to get into sex if you aren't having orgasms, even if he's trying to give them to you. If he isn't, well, I can't imagine being interested in sex with a selfish lover.
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Old 03-15-2012, 02:42 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Are you attracted to your husband? Do you have a lot of resentment built up (and building), both sex-related and otherwise? Have you had any orgasms with him lately?

It may not be a physical issue at all. You may not be "broken". It may be a mental block because you don't like your husband much these days, and/or are just not attracted to him anymore. It's hard to be loving (giving, sexually and otherwise) if you don't feel loving toward him.

It's also hard to get into sex if you aren't having orgasms, even if he's trying to give them to you. If he isn't, well, I can't imagine being interested in sex with a selfish lover.
I've never had an orgasm that wasn't self-stimulated or from oral sex. That's what he thinks he can fix... and it's frustrating for me.

There's lots of resentment built up - a lot of it circulating around our sex life... he thinks there's not enough.. but anything less than every night is not enough. And if he'd just do his thing and not be so concerned with whether or not I was getting off, I might be inclined to do it more often... but as it is, it's a lot of pressure to react the way his wants. His self-worth is based upon whether or not I get off in bed...

A lot of times, it is physically painful to have intercourse, but I suck it up because if I complain, it still hurts but it just takes longer for him to get off because he's trying to find a position that's "good for me".

Granted - it may be the built up resentment and complete lack of trust that has killed my sex drive.. b/c I was more willing to do it (without orgasm) back when we first got together... and then came the porn addiction and the other women.
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Old 03-15-2012, 08:15 PM   #64 (permalink)
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It isn't all that hard for a woman compared to a man...physically at least. A little lube and she's ready to go. But when a man is without sexual desire nothing happens, it is physically impossible. Even a bucketful of Viagra won't help if he has no desire. And forcing himself no give non penetrative mercy sex with no desire, no erection and so chance of ejaculation is sheer torture for most men and they avoid it like the plague.
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Old 03-16-2012, 05:34 AM   #65 (permalink)
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It isn't all that hard for a woman compared to a man...physically at least. A little lube and she's ready to go. But when a man is without sexual desire nothing happens, it is physically impossible. Even a bucketful of Viagra won't help if he has no desire. And forcing himself no give non penetrative mercy sex with no desire, no erection and so chance of ejaculation is sheer torture for most men and they avoid it like the plague.
I'm going to preface this by saying I've only not risen to the occasion less times than I can count on one hand in my life. Having said that, I was totally into keeping sex going despite the soldier taking a nap. Actually keeping things going and being patient usually revived me when I stopped focusing on the problem and concentrated on her and the moment. If it were a more regular thing, I'd do whatever it took to keep things going until that issue could be resolved, especially if it were important to her. Im sure it would be somewhat torturous to not have the ability to do what I wanted to do/feel in the bedroom. No one wants to feel like a cripple and it should be fun. On the other hand, women have different plumbing and it doesn't require the same response to have the pure ability to be sexually active.
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Old 03-16-2012, 09:29 AM   #66 (permalink)
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I think that even though it may not be physically difficult to have penetrative sex with a non-aroused woman using a little lube and such, that is not typically the way to go, nor the thought mentality to have when it comes to marital sex.

You have to consider the emotional difficulty involved in that situation, especially over the longer term.

Too much of that on the woman's side - not being aroused to the situation - will simply make her feel used in regards to penetrative sex, and in time sexual aversion begins to form.

I'm all for a woman being willing to try to be aroused, but not so much to just doing it without effort to try and arouse (on his part) and to try and be aroused (on her part).
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Old 03-16-2012, 02:08 PM   #67 (permalink)
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I'm going to preface this by saying I've only not risen to the occasion less times than I can count on one hand in my life. Having said that, I was totally into keeping sex going despite the soldier taking a nap. Actually keeping things going and being patient usually revived me when I stopped focusing on the problem and concentrated on her and the moment. If it were a more regular thing, I'd do whatever it took to keep things going until that issue could be resolved, especially if it were important to her. Im sure it would be somewhat torturous to not have the ability to do what I wanted to do/feel in the bedroom. No one wants to feel like a cripple and it should be fun. On the other hand, women have different plumbing and it doesn't require the same response to have the pure ability to be sexually active.
Well I wasn't talking about a guy who simply doesn't feel like it once in awhile but does it anyway. If you are having sex on a fairly regular basis and find your partner sexually attractive then that's a totally different thing and yes a guy can "rise to the occasion" a lot of the time when he isn't aroused. I'm talking about a man who may love his wife (or not) but has absolutely no sexual desire for her. Could be a lack of attraction, interpersonal problems, a preference for porn and masturbation over partner sex etc. It is in those circumstances that mercy sex is physically impossible.
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Old 03-16-2012, 04:41 PM   #68 (permalink)
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:36 AM   #69 (permalink)
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I think that even though it may not be physically difficult to have penetrative sex with a non-aroused woman using a little lube and such, that is not typically the way to go, nor the thought mentality to have when it comes to marital sex.

You have to consider the emotional difficulty involved in that situation, especially over the longer term.

Too much of that on the woman's side - not being aroused to the situation - will simply make her feel used in regards to penetrative sex, and in time sexual aversion begins to form.

I'm all for a woman being willing to try to be aroused, but not so much to just doing it without effort to try and arouse (on his part) and to try and be aroused (on her part).
Rejection does the same thing. The imbalance has to be resolved. Again I don't get the lack of desire. What is more desirous. A spouse going elsewhere because you won't or taking care of it like any other obligation. No one gets mad at doing dishes, helping with homework, yardwork, jobs...why does sex have to be the only thing that suffers for "feeling"?
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Old 03-17-2012, 10:55 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Rejection does the same thing. The imbalance has to be resolved. Again I don't get the lack of desire. What is more desirous. A spouse going elsewhere because you won't or taking care of it like any other obligation. No one gets mad at doing dishes, helping with homework, yardwork, jobs...why does sex have to be the only thing that suffers for "feeling"?
This is what i think of when i read post like this. I may be way off but i am just telling what i get. There must be something off about the thought of sex thrown in with household duties yet it is such a common expectation. I am certain that this comes up with the pain and anger of rejection by your spouse.

But what would that be like? Do you expect you wife to lay there and endure or do you expect her to act excited or should she expect to have an orgasm? Do you kiss her first, touch her with any tenderness, feel any love? What do you do with all of the anger? Does it go away or do you still habor it.

How do you feel "getting it taken care of" by a person who does not welcome you? Can you get any pleasure out of that? Is it better than masturbating? If so why? The only difference between masturbation and mechanical sex is the presence of woman with the right parts.

But the idea is so machanical that when you reach the point of thinking of sex with your wife in those terms then love has died. It happens when there is a physical gulf.

You give the impression of wanting to maturbate into a veejay and any ones will do. There is no more emotion or tenderness or love associated with the act than any other household task. That is my impression when I see this all too common analogy of sex and other machanical task. You have an outie and she has an innie why can't she just let you poke it in?

At this point do you really want to have sex with your wife?. I ask that because you seem to thnk that she should "take care of it" or you can get it taken care of somewhere else. I can not think of anything more unappealing than to be used to "take care of it".

My response would be "it is yours you take care of it, I am not here to be of service to you like a garbage bin or dishwasher"'. Harsh I know but, that's what I feel when I read these things. I wonder what came first, the refusals then the mechanical approach to sex or the mechanical approach and then the refusals. It bears looking into.

Why do you remain in this situation? It has deteriorated to such a level that you can continance sex as relief for you, equivalent to cleaning up and any veejay will do. You may have reached a point where it would be healthier for you to go out and seek relief with women you have no emotional attachment to but do so honestly.

Get a divorce and then you can pick up random women to relieve you. The men who report on their life after divorce seem to have no problem getting all the sex they want. If you have tried everything you can to save your marriage then it may be time to exit and "get it taken care of".
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Old 03-17-2012, 11:42 AM   #71 (permalink)
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It isn't all that hard for a woman compared to a man...physically at least. A little lube and she's ready to go. But when a man is without sexual desire nothing happens, it is physically impossible. Even a bucketful of Viagra won't help if he has no desire. And forcing himself no give non penetrative mercy sex with no desire, no erection and so chance of ejaculation is sheer torture for most men and they avoid it like the plague.
It is no less so for a woman. The big difference is that men can't be coerced to have sex when they have no desire because their plumbing does not work. Women on the other hand can be penetrated with or without desire, arrousal or consent.

So it is that hard for women. It is hard to get the idea across that having a sex organ that needs no plumbing to activate, can not be taken for available for use.

That's a big deal for most women. The idea that a woman can have sex mechanically at any time may give rise to the feeling that since she can then she should. There is a gatekeeper - the woman connected to the organ.

The gatekeeper is sensitive and multifaceted. She has probably had experiences where men who care little about the gatekeeper but wanted at her organs which heightens her vigilance. . Women are sensitive to men who ignore the person to get at the goodies. That seems to anger and annoy the men who don't want to deal with the person, they just want at the organs.

If you can understand that, you will see that it is not so easy.

To have sex with no desire takes some doing. This is what it is like - you essentially have to give up control over part of your own body so that another person can use it to take care of himself. You dont let him touch any other place on your body, just the part that is essential for him. To do that, you have to close your eyes and go to a small safe place in your mind and let it happen and hope it is over soon so you can come out and be whole again. Tell yourself it is alright, cleanse yourself and don't think about it until it needs to happen again.

Have you ever had to do that?
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:54 AM   #72 (permalink)
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It is no less so for a woman. The big difference is that men can't be coerced to have sex when they have no desire because their plumbing does not work. Women on the other hand can be penetrated with or without desire, arrousal or consent.

So it is that hard for women. It is hard to get the idea across that having a sex organ that needs no plumbing to activate, can not be taken for available for use.

That's a big deal for most women. The idea that a woman can have sex mechanically at any time may give rise to the feeling that since she can then she should. There is a gatekeeper - the woman connected to the organ.

The gatekeeper is sensitive and multifaceted. She has probably had experiences where men who care little about the gatekeeper but wanted at her organs which heightens her vigilance. . Women are sensitive to men who ignore the person to get at the goodies. That seems to anger and annoy the men who don't want to deal with the person, they just want at the organs.

If you can understand that, you will see that it is not so easy.

To have sex with no desire takes some doing. This is what it is like - you essentially have to give up control over part of your own body so that another person can use it to take care of himself. You dont let him touch any other place on your body, just the part that is essential for him. To do that, you have to close your eyes and go to a small safe place in your mind and let it happen and hope it is over soon so you can come out and be whole again. Tell yourself it is alright, cleanse yourself and don't think about it until it needs to happen again.

Have you ever had to do that?
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have you had to do this? and how did you get the cylce to break?

This sounds exactly like my wife, when we do have sex, she is just kind of there, I'm not a selfish lover, I want her to feel loved, desired and that I'm just not trying to use her or her body
, afterwards she just sits up and goes somewhere in her mind (best way I can describe it) I still hold her kiss her, tell how wonderful she is and that I truly love her, ( I almost feel like a rapist)...

This has not always been like this, just in the past year or so, I
tried and tried to get her to talk to me about it, her only explanation so far is that she just dosent like sex??? I then asked her "So ok, you dont like sex, what about before? when you initated, called my name, pulled me in, and we actually made love, that was all pretend?" her reply was that yes sometimes it was..(wow talk about a punch to the guts)...

She says she needs the emotional connection, but can not tell me what she needs in words, says she just dosent know???

I've read the 5LL, HNHN, passinonate marriage, when your sex drives dont match, MMSP, and many more, trying not be so needy and being a better me , I am always the one to say I love you first, physical touch is my LL and have scaled that back a lot, at this point she dosent want anything to do with the books....

any advice?
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:18 PM   #73 (permalink)
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have you had to do this? and how did you get the cylce to break?

This sounds exactly like my wife, when we do have sex, she is just kind of there, I'm not a selfish lover, I want her to feel loved, desired and that I'm just not trying to use her or her body
, afterwards she just sits up and goes somewhere in her mind (best way I can describe it) I still hold her kiss her, tell how wonderful she is and that I truly love her, ( I almost feel like a rapist)...

This has not always been like this, just in the past year or so, I
tried and tried to get her to talk to me about it, her only explanation so far is that she just dosent like sex??? I then asked her "So ok, you dont like sex, what about before? when you initated, called my name, pulled me in, and we actually made love, that was all pretend?" her reply was that yes sometimes it was..(wow talk about a punch to the guts)...

She says she needs the emotional connection, but can not tell me what she needs in words, says she just dosent know???

I've read the 5LL, HNHN, passinonate marriage, when your sex drives dont match, MMSP, and many more, trying not be so needy and being a better me , I am always the one to say I love you first, physical touch is my LL and have scaled that back a lot, at this point she dosent want anything to do with the books....

any advice?
If she won't have anything to do with changing, then you have to worry about yourself and change you from the inside out. I think every one of those books has some truth in it. It depends on your circumstances and what tools you have to work with on how successful any of them will be individually. Personally, I really do like the MMSP.

Think about yourself as a house. Your wife moved in to you and now the carpets are worn, needs some paint, etc. You can't force her to be thankful for what she has, treat you like a brand new thing or remodel you. You can spruce yourself up and look like your getting ready to show for a new tenant. That's what women do when they are about to consider cheating or had someone take interest in them to start their motor. It's how they communicate to you that you better do something. I think that's why that approach is so successful. Think of the 90's movie True Lies when Jamie Lee Curtis is a boring housewife until Bill Paxton gives her a little adventure. Then she's exercising before she goes to meet the guy in his "secret hideout" and she was married to a hunk. You have to do something to change the game and peak her interest. What will best do that is something you have to figure out and do.

If you go for operation remodel, the worst that happens is that you're a better person, she doesn't chase after you and you're ready to be on the market if things fall through. I know for a fact that nothing makes the woman you're with want you more than when your interest seems to be fading, you're looking better and getting attention from other women (perceived or real). It hooked my ex wife and she ultimately didn't care less about me. But because someone else wanted me, I was a whole lot more attractive to her.
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Old 03-24-2012, 12:03 AM   #74 (permalink)
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have you had to do this? and how did you get the cylce to break?

This sounds exactly like my wife, when we do have sex, she is just kind of there, I'm not a selfish lover, I want her to feel loved, desired and that I'm just not trying to use her or her body
, afterwards she just sits up and goes somewhere in her mind (best way I can describe it) I still hold her kiss her, tell how wonderful she is and that I truly love her, ( I almost feel like a rapist)...

This has not always been like this, just in the past year or so, I
tried and tried to get her to talk to me about it, her only explanation so far is that she just dosent like sex??? I then asked her "So ok, you dont like sex, what about before? when you initated, called my name, pulled me in, and we actually made love, that was all pretend?" her reply was that yes sometimes it was..(wow talk about a punch to the guts)...

She says she needs the emotional connection, but can not tell me what she needs in words, says she just dosent know???

I've read the 5LL, HNHN, passinonate marriage, when your sex drives dont match, MMSP, and many more, trying not be so needy and being a better me , I am always the one to say I love you first, physical touch is my LL and have scaled that back a lot, at this point she dosent want anything to do with the books....

any advice?
I PM'ed you hope you got it.

That happened to me when I was 15 with an older man. I did not want sex but he insisted that it was part of love. I thought I was in love and he loved me. I was stupid and naive.

Have you tried marriage counseling? If she does not want to go then you should go for IC. Do you have children and how long have you been married?

My suggestion is to cool down the ILY and perusing her. Give her a chance to come to you. There is a risk that she wil not come to you and the distance between you will increase.

You have to decide before hand what would be the best thing to do. Stay in a relationship with distance and a spouse that seems disinterested in having you around or consider leaving the marriage.

If you have kids, this may be a very difficult decision. There are ways of minimizing the impact of divorce on kids.

I am not suggesting divorce as a first line response. Y need to pull out all the stops and do every thing you can to save this. Sounds like you have done a great deal.

It is interesting her response to your reading books. Most women can't get their husband to read a short newspaper article on relationships.

She doesn't know how lucky she is. Have you asked her if she wants to stay married? Have you asked her what she expects of you in a marriage with a woman who does not like sex?

Have you asked her what she sees as a future for you both? Ask her if she expects you will stay in the marriage with no intimacy?

These questions are volatile and you have to be ready for anger, resentment and simple refusal to talk. Then you have to decide what you will do.

Don't ask if you are not ready for some difficult to hear answer or no answer at all. If you don't have a plan don't ask.

Please come back and continue posting.
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Old 03-24-2012, 01:03 AM   #75 (permalink)
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You are so right! I am a VERY sexual person, but I have to admit that there were times that I wasn't in the mood....We have two young kids and sometimes I get tired....However, if we get the kids to bed and he wants it, I'm not turning him down....so, I do it anyway...because I love him....it's funny though, sometimes the times when I feel like I'm not in the mood, we start, and it turns out being the best sex ever! Because he makes me in the mood I just think that when you love someone like a husband and wife should, then there wouldn't be any sex issues....
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