What is so hard??
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-11-2012, 05:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What is so hard??

Today I was reading a book while lying in bed. My husband wanted to make love, so he took my book away and started kissing me. As my husband began to strip my clothes off, I realized that I was tired and not in the mood for sex. We made love despite this because there is no harm in making my husband happy, even if I may not feel like sex. We had a great time and I simply had a long nap afterwards.

I have a rule about not rejecting my husband, unless I absolutely must do so. Except for illness and extreme fatigue, I believe that there is no need to refuse him. After all, there is nobody else that should be fullfilling my husband's sexual needs except his wife. It becomes a slippery slope when couples start to say no all the time, just because they may not be "in the mood" for something.

What is so hard about having sex when we may not always want to? Even if a spouse doesn't want to have sex when they are approached, isn't it easy to get into something so pleasurable and beautiful? I feel so sad when I read about all the sexless marriages on TAM. Sometimes I think that the sexually reluctant spouses are being rather selfish and unfair. I can understand not wanting to be intimate if infidelity or childbirth has recently occured, but withholding for selfish reasons solves nothing.
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Old 03-11-2012, 05:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is so hard??

What is so hard?
My husband, hopefully
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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There are lots of reasons, I just gave one in a reply in another thread - mommy mode. Some women never leave mommy mode, long after their kids last diaper has been changed and they've gone off to school for full days. There is always something to obsess and worry over, and it consumes them to the point they are spent at the end of the day and have no need for anyone as selfish as a husband who may want some of your time and energy.
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is so hard??

"he took my book away and started kissing me"....
Truly a confident and aggresive man. Took the time to get you aroused, and was confident in letting you know what he wanted.

I am trying to understand that some women might have gotten angry and snatched the book back, or whatever. But I doubt it.
If he's kissing you properly... you are DONE. Awesome.

I don't understand it much either. All I can say is that if my husband tries to kiss me, I turn my head and get even more MAD. That happened yesterday. Only because as much as I don't love him.... if he approached me with such confidence, I would fold like a stack of cards.
6 months ago, I would have been elated if he had pulled such a move.
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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There are lots of reasons, I just gave one in a reply in another thread - mommy mode. Some women never leave mommy mode, long after their kids last diaper has been changed and they've gone off to school for full days. There is always something to obsess and worry over, and it consumes them to the point they are spent at the end of the day and have no need for anyone as selfish as a husband who may want some of your time and energy.
I'm a parent too. I went through that. But it does change. And you need to make time. I didn't do dishes every night or other things for many years. Firstly.. they would be there tomorrow. And I chose to either play with my son or my SO instead. There are things you can let go of. Eventually your kids get old enough to help with the house too. I discovered that being intimate was a good stress break for me too. I deserved to pamper myself too, didn't I? Same with choosing to go to bed really early on a Thursday night, to heck with dishes. Then I had more energy on Friday night for date night!
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Beautifully stated!
: )
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is so hard??

resentment is a big mood killer. first you give in that wonderful dug "drama", and thats a fast to not "right fighting"...

then resentment moves into your house. it can take YEARS to fix old resentments and to resolve and understand "triggers".

and figuring out love languages, finally having a discussion without yelling, and actually talking about things from years ago, and coming to an understanding.

if both people dont want to do the work, then resentment, triggers never go away.
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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"he took my book away and started kissing me"....
Truly a confident and aggresive man. Took the time to get you aroused, and was confident in letting you know what he wanted.

I am trying to understand that some women might have gotten angry and snatched the book back, or whatever. But I doubt it.
If he's kissing you properly... you are DONE. Awesome.

I don't understand it much either. All I can say is that if my husband tries to kiss me, I turn my head and get even more MAD. That happened yesterday. Only because as much as I don't love him.... if he approached me with such confidence, I would fold like a stack of cards.
6 months ago, I would have been elated if he had pulled such a move.
I never snatch back whatever I am doing, if my husband has taken it out of my hands to be affectionate. I can read later; there is lovemaking to enjoy and that comes first.

My husband is confident, but assertive rather than aggressive. He is very gentle and romantic, yet very intense when he wants to entice me. Perfect mix of alpha/beta characteristics.
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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A fine example of what I believe is an underlying issue with sex in a marriage. FirstYearDown, your hubby found your triggers. He knows how to get you in the mood, and he does it. So you respond, with enthusiam.

What would you have done if he had stood next to the bed and shook his weenie at you and said "can I have a bj"?
(ok, if that works for you... insert another example ha ha)
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
Today I was reading a book while lying in bed. My husband wanted to make love, so he took my book away and started kissing me. As my husband began to strip my clothes off, I realized that I was tired and not in the mood for sex. We made love despite this because there is no harm in making my husband happy, even if I may not feel like sex. We had a great time and I simply had a long nap afterwards.

I have a rule about not rejecting my husband, unless I absolutely must do so. Except for illness and extreme fatigue, I believe that there is no need to refuse him. After all, there is nobody else that should be fullfilling my husband's sexual needs except his wife. It becomes a slippery slope when couples start to say no all the time, just because they may not be "in the mood" for something.

What is so hard about having sex when we may not always want to? Even if a spouse doesn't want to have sex when they are approached, isn't it easy to get into something so pleasurable and beautiful? I feel so sad when I read about all the sexless marriages on TAM. Sometimes I think that the sexually reluctant spouses are being rather selfish and unfair. I can understand not wanting to be intimate if infidelity or childbirth has recently occured, but withholding for selfish reasons solves nothing.
You are a blessed woman... I am sure there are both men and women on these boards that would love to have what you enjoy.

For either men or women, if there is no respect, no honor, no regard, no trust, no reliance for either or both spouses, for whatever reason or cause, unless these are resolved... the marriage bed is a very difficult place. I would not call these selfish... but the fundamental and foundation of any relationship.
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by deejov View Post
A fine example of what I believe is an underlying issue with sex in a marriage. FirstYearDown, your hubby found your triggers. He knows how to get you in the mood, and he does it. So you respond, with enthusiam.

What would you have done if he had stood next to the bed and shook his weenie at you and said "can I have a bj"?
(ok, if that works for you... insert another example ha ha)



He never has to ask for a BJ, so the approach you mentioned would just make me laugh.

Some of my triggers include dirty talk and being "taken"...love to be gently overpowered by my husband's overwhelming desire.

He loves dirty talk too, so I call him at work and tell him things that I won't write here.

Mommy Mode is one of the reasons we will not be having kids. Although it is possible to have a great sex life with children, we love all the freedom and spontaneity which being childfree affords to us.
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
Today I was reading a book while lying in bed. My husband wanted to make love, so he took my book away and started kissing me. As my husband began to strip my clothes off, I realized that I was tired and not in the mood for sex. We made love despite this because there is no harm in making my husband happy, even if I may not feel like sex. We had a great time and I simply had a long nap afterwards.

I have a rule about not rejecting my husband, unless I absolutely must do so. Except for illness and extreme fatigue, I believe that there is no need to refuse him. After all, there is nobody else that should be fullfilling my husband's sexual needs except his wife. It becomes a slippery slope when couples start to say no all the time, just because they may not be "in the mood" for something.

What is so hard about having sex when we may not always want to? Even if a spouse doesn't want to have sex when they are approached, isn't it easy to get into something so pleasurable and beautiful? I feel so sad when I read about all the sexless marriages on TAM. Sometimes I think that the sexually reluctant spouses are being rather selfish and unfair. I can understand not wanting to be intimate if infidelity or childbirth has recently occured, but withholding for selfish reasons solves nothing.


Awesome how you and your husband connected!

I empathize with all of the posters who have issues in their marriage and are trying to resolve them, but, I realize that we do only get to see half the picture on TAM. From my view, it's like trying to put a puzzle together with only half the pieces there and no idea what the picture of the puzzle is.

We don't really know what is going on in the marriage and in the other spouse's life and heart to know whether they are being selfish or unfair (and it's not really up to us to judge anyway because we are not walking in their shoes).

It would be great if we could see both spouse's point of view. That has always been most enlightening when it has happened.

Henry Ford said "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own."

And that is true whether advising on TAM, but most especially for the spouse who is posting and trying to work at resolving their marital issues. If they can truly see where the other person is coming from, their own perception and understanding will be expanded and a way forward may present itself.

They may see their spouse, their marriage, and especially themself in a very different light - as I think that problems in a marriage are like reflections - problems and issues get reflected back and forth many times between the spouses much like seeing the reflection of a mirror in a mirror.
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Last edited by Enchantment; 03-11-2012 at 06:44 PM.
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Everyone judges others whether we want to admit it or not, Enchantment.

Why can't the withholding spouses, have empathy for their sex starved husbands and wives? It goes both ways.

I suppose it is harder for me to understand since I have a high drive.
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Old 03-11-2012, 07:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Me & mine even connect when one is sick, so long as we can breath and he can get it up, it's on. (stomach aches, tiredness, feeling like one has been beat up & left for dead -we are out of the game)...

The other night he told me I had to get on top cause if he was , he'd drip in my face... so there was my invitation. You'd think we'd catch each others colds... sometimes we do, but crazy as it may sound , most of the time we don't....we just take the risk anyway. We want to be together that much...and no, seriously I am not pushing him either, I have tamed considerably.

We do all tend to speak out of our own experiences... but that is what is wonderful here, the posters can have a vareity of perspectives ...generally something said by someone may resonate with them, their particular situation-that is not like anyone elses. It would be no good if we were all the same.

But true, we are seem to be geared tawards certain perspectives as we see time & time again here ... ..since I have been on both sides of this ....... and know how difficult it is to be HIGH DRIVE and crave the emotional with the physical....with an intensity that could have ruined my marraige if I was rejected on a regular basis, how could I not , in good conscience share what that was like ....I can't just lay that down.... I am compelled to speak on it... as I feel other high drivers are feeling the same. BUt as those high drivers, we must do our part in what they are "needing" in addition, going out of our way to please.

A couple weeks ago, we talked about this again, delving into how HE felt when I was not there enough...... hearing the resentment he built -while I thought we were happy, I felt like the biggest fool, our marraige a sham... I wanted to KNOW , I wanted to hear it all, but it was not easy to hear.

I know what lack of sex can do to a man, even the best of men (and I don't feel they all are missing something in the relationship) , if we care, we won't do this to those we love.

I'll never do it again, I am a new woman.
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Old 03-11-2012, 07:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Everyone judges others whether we want to admit it or not, Enchantment.

Why can't the withholding spouses, have empathy for their sex starved husbands and wives? It goes both ways.

I suppose it is harder for me to understand since I have a high drive.
We can always try our best, though, to be as non-judgmental as possible - heaven only knows we all have our own set of trials and tribulations.

I think RoseRed had a very good point - if the foundations of the marriage are cracked and in disrepair, those will need to be fixed first - respect, trust, commitment, communication - those all need to be there to some degree for a sustainable intimate relationship to flourish.

Yesterday there was a discussion in another thread about how if the lower drive spouse would just have sex it would solve all the problems. But it would only solve the higher drive's problem with sex, and it wouldn't necessarily solve the other person's issues or the issues in the marriage overall.

Both of the people have to be willing to work at solving whatever the issues are - and that usually involves more than just one having sex with the other, although in some cases that can be a start, if the lower drive spouse has a willing heart and the foundations of the marriage are mostly secure.
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