Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
deejov,
Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice?
Catherine602,
Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and just smack you! (I am being facetious of course). I hear what you say and I actually tend to agree with it. However, my wife and I have discussed her lack of desire for me ad nauseum and she claims everything is wonderful. So why don't YOU talk to her and find out what I am not meeting?
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
frustr8, I would imagine she is lying to you. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you feel things are not good, then they probably are not. Your wife likely isn't being truthful with you on how she really feels. Watch actions more than words. I'm sure you have been, and yes I think you deserve to know WHY she feels the way she does. However, I doubt its gonna happen. She probably doesn't want to hurt you with the truth although she already with her actions.
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Quote:
Originally Posted by trey69
frustr8, I would imagine she is lying to you. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you feel things are not good, then they probably are not. Your wife likely isn't being truthful with you on how she really feels. Watch actions more than words. I'm sure you have been, and yes I think you deserve to know WHY she feels the way she does. However, I doubt its gonna happen. She probably doesn't want to hurt you with the truth although she already with her actions.
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Quote:
Originally Posted by phantomfan
To me, the physical and emotional connection through sex is like no other experience I've had. No drug or high comes close. Granted I've never done hard drugs but I can't imagine the feelings with them are as satisfying as a spiritual/physical/emotional connection, becoming one person from two. Yeah this guy cares a hell of a lot more than a quickie or an occasional charity poke after I explode in anger from years of neglect. Most guys feel like I do if they are even remotely in touch with their feelings. It's a curse when I feel like I do and the one I made a promise to forsake all others for has forsaken me.
I so very much agree with your words here... I look at sex as a "Need" also... we will not die physically but..... some of us ... especially those who are High Driving / Sensitive / Craving / Physical Touchers ....die a slow slow torturous death emotionally and connectively with their spouse over feeling not wanted and desired in this way. Playing with a peice of rubber or doing it ourselves is hollow... hollow....hollow.... hollow... freaking hollow.
My husband felt so much this way -he refused to masterbate (he even told me he stopped doing that as soon as me & him started touching each other while dating) ... doing himself could not even compare ..... he was never a HIGH HIGH drive man to begin with.... but very sensitive, very affectionate by nature, MY wanting to be with him, touch him made him feel espeically loved , I loved being with him all the time, so we were a nice match... Even with getting it once a week faithfully ..sometimes more (after marraige)... his feeling I wanted him in those moments passionately...... yet still....some Resentment creeped in...
...So I can not even IMAGINE the pain you others are dealing with here in some of these stories. Just hearing my own husband's feelings poured out to me has brought me to tears....then I was ANGRY cause he held it in ... If we were sexless, I would have been pissed off....livid even - even back then, it would have never flown with me. I pretty much had him at my beck & call, if he would have made me wait.....and FEEL what he was feeling....it would have been a Good lesson for me! I deserved that -accually.
I feel women would even take the rejection more to heart -if they felt their husbands lost physcial desire for them...because of our highly emotional natures.... Maybe this is why men can deal with it easier it seems.....Men are stronger ....as so many seem to stay married, stick it out, stay for the kids, stay in hopes it gets better. I don't know.
I asked him on a scale from 1 (near 0) to 10 (screaming with resentment)...where his RESENTMENT BAR climbed to....he answered a 5... also his sex drive went from a 10 dropping to a 5... he explained he got so used to putting himself down.... he could take it or leave it...his passion grew to "apathy" ...indifference....
And as one could imagine, his feeling that way- he sure wasn't making himself seem very sexually "exciting" or creative so that was no Big "turn on" to me. Apathy is capable of breeding apathy -unless one cares to shake it up & bust it wide open.
I have never been addicted to anything like drinking , smoking (maybe forums !)...... but when It comes to sex with someone you are raptured in love with (and lust)- once I hit my awakening .... I can't think of a Higher HIGH....there is no rush I ever wanted on this earth more so.... Cocaine has nothing over sex! (not that I would know of course).
That high is glorious when you have a partner who feels the same....if not...definitely a curse of all curses, I would even call it a Prison. Just imagining what that would be like was enough for me.
No intercourse for 18 L-O-N-G years JustAMan , and the hiding... I can not even fathom what you have been through in this. I do thank you for sharing your story. The mountain you have to climb to overcome in this, I wish you well.
Resentment comes to us for a reason...It is an indicator of neglectful treatment in near every case. It needs to be delt with as swiftly as it can, and I know most of you have tried....opening your mouths, going above & beyond, and tired some more ....God bless you all.
I'll be the 1st to say, I would not be able to handle it personally... if my partner would not come half way, show me they cared about how I was feeling...with real change. Not just actions, but the feelings behind them.
For us to live above resentment such as this.... My feelings is... never let it fester, talk about it, or get as creative as possible to overcome the situation (No More Mr Nice Guy.... Married Man's sex life blog... communication... a little conflict... Marriage counseling..... sex therapy, etc).... but if this does little to nothing ....if resentment gets so bad, one needs to start taking depression drugs to cope, to remain in a roommatish marraige.... I think divorce needs to be on the table. It is truly a shame it has to come to that point for a spouse to "wake up" and take it all seriously ...but I feel many many many people in this world do not realize what they have ... until it is threatened to be taken away....
I appreciate all the feedback here... Resentment is a huge huge issue, our taste of it was smaller than most...it is sad to think had I not changed, woke up & shaken things up... My husband would have never had the measure of happiness he has NOW, but remained in that apathetic state.... it is all choices we make.....for our own lives.
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
deejov,
Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice?
Catherine602,
Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and just smack you! (I am being facetious of course). I hear what you say and I actually tend to agree with it. However, my wife and I have discussed her lack of desire for me ad nauseum and she claims everything is wonderful. So why don't YOU talk to her and find out what I am not meeting?
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
deejov,
Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice?
Catherine602,
Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and just smack you! (I am being facetious of course). I hear what you say and I actually tend to agree with it. However, my wife and I have discussed her lack of desire for me ad nauseum and she claims everything is wonderful. So why don't YOU talk to her and find out what I am not meeting?
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
On a serious note - if you feel you have done everything that you can, then you have a difficult set of options to consider.
Again please don't take this as blaming you. You are here she is not.
You have to explore is she is emotionally healthy enough to maintain a marital connection.
Is she willing to work on her basic problem if that is the case. Several men have posted about wives with histories of abuse that they did not know about.
That is one thing that is rarely discussed.
The only poster I have ever read who brings this up is Conrad. But my feeling is that the poster dismisses it quickly and moves on.
I think what he is getting at is that you need to look at the person you love with a critical and open eyes. You need to really dig deep to find out who they really are.
We all find it difficult to really see the real person when it comes to someone we love.
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Another thing that is only mentioned in passing is the sexual satisfaction of the woman. This would be one of the first areas that should be explored.
Usually the poster will say, I know she enjoys herself because she has an orgasm. But she lays there doing nothing and she refuses foreplay.
There is something wrong there don't you think? If your partner needed more time and foreplay when things were good she needs it now.
I think the best thing to do is to make sure that you both read up on male and female sexuality.
Asking a woman may not get a staight answer. Woman know that men are notoriously sensitive about their performance and usually don't take well to not getting the job done.
I think men who got their knowledge of female sexuality from porn or male buddies or the fact that they had 100 sex partners that were all happy are probably not a satisfactory lover.
Female sexuality is much more complex than the male. Couple that with the differences in woman anatomically and what they like, makes being a good love labor intensive at first.
The reward is worth it I think. I have read that woman who are orgasmic are much more wiling to have sex frequently and are more adventurous.
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Another thing that is only mentioned in passing is the sexual satisfaction of the woman. This would be one of the first areas that should be explored.
Usually the poster will say, I know she enjoys herself because she has an orgasm. But she lays there doing nothing and she refuses foreplay.
There is something wrong there don't you think? If your partner needed more time and foreplay when things were good she needs it now.
What about those women who need foreplay but refuse to partake?
A bloke I know, he knows full well his wife needs a LOT of foreplay, because she never, ever, comes during sex (don't quote the statistics, he knows!). But she pushes away efforts to hold, stroke, kiss etc, never mind finger play or oral, and says "Let's just do it".
So basically, he's fully prepared to do whatever is necessary to make sex as satisfying as possible for her, including any kind of foreplay, and starting hours before the event, but she just wants it over and done. And she knows he's not merely prepared to, but is willing, even enthusiastic.
Riddle me this, riddle me that...
Quote:
Female sexuality is much more complex than the male. Couple that with the differences in woman anatomically and what they like, makes being a good love labor intensive at first.
This is like saying nuclear physics is a bit more complicated than bricklaying. But if the woman isn't prepared to help her partner learn, what then? You were prepared to let your partner lead and learn and have reaped the reward.
Any advice to husbands whose wife will NOT be led and refuse to participate in the learning process? Bearing in mind there is only so much anyone else can do to address any resentments another person might have...
Quote:
The reward is worth it I think. I have read that woman who are orgasmic are much more wiling to have sex frequently and are more adventurous.
I'm sure you're right, but there seem some women out there who are determined to NOT enjoy sex. Like people who seeing others enjoying themselves doing anything, say "Well, I KNOW I wouldn't like it", without ever trying it.
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What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
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Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Quote:
Originally Posted by phantomfan
I agree with you for the most part. I do accept and acknowledge I'm not perfect. If I have never said that directly, consider this my "yep, my fault" mea culpa. It took two well intentioned people to dig the hole we're in and it was not done on purpose.
Where I differ is that I do believe that its wrong to deny the other partners needs regardless of what that is unless it is morally wrong. Another MC, I'm guilty of it too. I'm not sure who the first person was to make it a habit, but I know its going on on both sides. Since this is my place to figure out what to do because I want to gain what was lost and make it even better, I am going to bring up my point of view discuss and confide in total strangers about the most intimate details of my life and vent until things become clear to me and my marriage is on the right track.
I'm sure you understand that also. I started reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book today and it is pretty much me in how I relate to women. I have more female friends than male friends. Part of my issue is that trying to be perfect, I became a man she couldn't respect. She has said this to me in so many words once or twice. I've recognized that I'm not who I want to be anymore. I've lost my mojo and gone beta. In trying to manipulate or correct my behavior, she became a woman I couldn't connect with or respect. It's a vicious cycle that needs to stop.
For my part, I'm working on myself. I'm not believing that if she just change her attitude that everything will be roses. Hardly! There are many things that will need to change on both sides to make a healthy and happy marriage again. But I do believe a concession that I must have for me to be vulnerable enough to put my heart out there to get hurt again is the main source that causes me to hurt must end. I also believe that the path to total relationship ruin is our immediate future unless things change.
I've said (and I firmly believe) that intimacy and sex are the glue that holds a relationship together and it is the entire point of a marriage. I picked the Genesis reading for our marriage that describes how "it is not good for man to be alone, so God made a helper" Right now, I feel alone and I need my helper back. On the original topic, the resentment I feel needs to be retired. I know it's destroyed much of the "feelings" I have for her and that's insult on top of injury. Unfortunately, I'm too hurt to stop resenting her if the behavior that caused my resentment continues. I know that's a two way street. It's going to require a large effort on my part to be the man she married. So now that I've shared that, please understand that when I talk about things here, that I'm not the person who is here thinking my stuff don't stink. Quite the contrary. I just assume for the most part that everyone on here is like me and already knows what their faults are.
What do you mean by the statement in red?
I understand that Phantom. Please don't take my post as ignoring you effort and dismissing your pain as invalid. I know it is valid.
It appears from what you are saying about your wife , you have some valid reasons to resent her. I described my situation to let you know that I was a bit like your wife. And my husbands reaction was like yours I think.
The spiral down started with us started because of me but, I did not do it intesionally. I thought that with children, we both needed to put them first and to mature in the relationship.
I thought that we should forgo the focus on ourselves and pleasure until the period of time when the kids were so exhausting and took up so much energy. Not no sexual activity but less.
My husband told me that he loved me even more deeply when I was the mother of his children. He described it as uncontrollable and visceral.
His desire for me remained unchanged, unlike mine. He said it was difficult for him to control and he felt angry, frustrated and felt that I did not love him anymore.
I found out after the fact when we talked about what happened. This from a man who does not talk about his emotion frequently.
I think it is this period that is pivotal to the future of many relationships. Misunderstanding causes resentment and the spiral begins.
This is what I think. Parenthood seems to be precipitate the start of problems in many relationships.
Women need to realize that although they fall absolutely in love with the baby, they still have a husband. He is 1/2 of the equation that made the baby.
It takes a lot of effort and understanding to modulate the love of baby and remember the love that got her there.
Men need to realize that the changes in their wives are normal and are part of the experience of motherhood and the aftermath of pregnacy and birth and healing.
They need to modulate their sexual expectations and remember that their partner needs their understanding, help and patience.
I wish we understood that then. I know now that if we could have discussed it, we would have worked it out and avoided so much pain.
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
SB
I am certain that what I say does not apply to every relationship but it does to some.
The fact that is doesn't describe your situation does not mean that it should not be considered.
I don't think anything I said should be considered as totally without merit.
Catherine,
I had no wisdom to offer him. I wondered if you had.
I know whatever is said her is not universally true (unless it's come from MMSL), but there are many opinions.
As for "...I don't think anything I said should be considered as totally without merit..." I asked you precisely because what you say almost invariably does have merit. Your insight is among the most valuable here.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
8Likes
Re: RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the m 
I look at sex as a "Need" also... we will not die physically but..... some of us ... especially those who are High Driving / Sensitive / Craving / Physical Touchers ....die a slow slow torturous death emotionally and connectively with their spouse over feeling not wanted and desired in this way. Playing with a peice of rubber or doing it ourselves is hollow... hollow....hollow.... hollow... freaking hollow. 
... If we were sexless, I would have been pissed off....livid even - even back then, it would have never flown with me. I pretty much had him at my beck & call, if he would have made me wait.....and FEEL what he was feeling....it would have been a Good lesson for me! I deserved that -accually. 
), but there are many opinions.
