RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the most

confusedinlife · 03-17-2012, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs. T

How true that is! It becomes all you think about, obsessively so. Been there. It's becomes the main focus of your day. It Sucks.

I have been there as well..no fun at all
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Catherine602 · 03-17-2012, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sawney Beane

Catherine,

I had no wisdom to offer him. I wondered if you had.

I know whatever is said her is not universally true (unless it's come from MMSL

), but there are many opinions.

As for "...I don't think anything I said should be considered as totally without merit..." I asked you precisely because what you say almost invariably does have merit. Your insight is among the most valuable here.

Oppps Thanks SB, sorry for misunderstanding, have had a very very bad week too sensitive.

Whats an MMSL?

looking4support · 03-17-2012, 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phantomfan

A man isn't going to get laid if he doesn't have a job, treat women right, be a father, romance women, is dependable, responsible, etc. it's biology driving us to be the best we can be to attract a mate. Ladies fall in love with us as men, then they seem to be unsatisfied once the ring goes on the finger. Guess men in captivity aren't as desirable :-/
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I can see why a HD man would feel that way, but I think a lot of women who are HD would argue with you. I would absolutely love to have sex with my husband even once or twice a week. But as it is it has been 8 times in 2 years.
It doesn't matter if I initiate or not. He always has an excuse of one kind or another, but it ends up with nada.

My resentment started growing after year 3 when he seemed like he just kept me around to clean and do laundry. I have been subtle, I have been pushy, I have pleaded, I have walked out of the bedroom naked in the middle of they day. All to no avail. What else is a girl to think?

Sawney Beane · 03-18-2012, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catherine602

Oppps Thanks SB, sorry for misunderstanding, have had a very very bad week too sensitive.

Whats an MMSL?

Married Man Sex Life - Athol K's blog. I swear if he wrote that the moon was made of green cheese, most of the readership would buy rockets ships and crackers

Enchantment · 03-18-2012, 10:57 AM

Resentment is a poison - in your life, your relationship, yourself. It is a choice you make to hold onto your bitter indignation toward another for things you feel they have done to you unfairly.

There is an antidote - also a choice that you can give freely. And that is foregiveness - of others and of yourself.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ C Ponder

You have to ask yourself why is it worth binding yourself with the chains of resentment, when you could surely be free of them. It is YOUR choice.

Choose wisely.

frustr8dhubby · 03-19-2012, 08:48 AM

Boy I wish I lived in Enchantments fairy tale world....

SimplyAmorous · 03-19-2012, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pandakiss

We pulled our heads our of our ass, talked, yelled, cussed, and got things resolved.

I really like the way you worded this summing up your story PandaKiss ! So true, this is needed for many. It may not sound favorable.. ..with the cussing & yelling part... but conflict can get a little grueling at times, emotions flared..... It is not often that me & mine fight, but when we have an issue, I dig it up in it's entirety & we will get to the bloody heart of it, so resolution is had...and completely. And sometimes we may still slip back into old rotten thinking patterns & fight a little more another day, this is just normal. Thank God for Make up sex ! Me & mine just had some this morning.

Resentment – A Real Danger to the State of Happiness

There are so many different Resentments even .... it can be open or concealed, immediate or delayed...

Then 3 common signs of concealed resentment:

1. Distrust
2. Questioning motives
3. Bitterness

Quote:

Enchantment said : Resentment is a poison - in your life, your relationship, yourself. It is a choice you make to hold onto your bitter indignation toward another for things you feel they have done to you unfairly.

Although I do agree it IS very much a choice on our parts -what to do with what is thrown at us.... or being left the crumbs in the marriage....in many cases, the injustice of what has taken place is not an easy pill to swallow.....not an easy choice by any means.

I know in my own life... unrelated to marriage in this case.... but with a female family member... Me & her did not see eye to eye on some issues.... and by all means she has the right to CHOOSE whatever she wanted to do, this is HER LIFE TO LIVE....but in that ...I also have my own choices for my life, for my immediate family.... and they may not be what she wanted of me or expected of me in response to hers.....

But in following my heart and what is best FOR ME....in determining to live my life ABOVE RESENTMENT of any sort (always a goal of mine)....certain boundaries had to be erected - to not allow myself to throw my pearls before swine to be trampled on again and again. Ya know.

Sometimes it may mean the end of a marraige...where 2 can not get past something, where one's heart is not into the marriage, or not willing to give what the other needs ( I am talking "reasonable" wants & needs here). These emotions must go somewhere, we are not set up to be willling victims every day.

Some offenses are indeed perceived , misunderstood even....TINY, like a seed...and we go on to grow a tree of hate out of it... but then some are like canons..... a breech of mistrust, ongoing rejections, the wasting of 10 yrs in a sexless marraige... Some resentments are truly monsterous ...because the offenses were !!!

I feel we need to emphasize with those struggling to choose to forgive. I don't see it as this easy going forth in any way. Not for the monsterous hurts over the years. Without the willing wanting loving validation and cooperation of the one who hurt, maimed and screams every day they don't care about our needs.... this is a mountain to climb.....one where we may never reach the top in fullfillment in such a relationship.

Speaking of Choices:

This sounds like such a good book on these issues, can view some pages here : HEALING IS A CHOICE REVISED - Stephen Arterburn - Google Books

Book here : Healing Is a Choice: 10 Decisions That Will Transform Your Life and 10 Lies That Can Prevent You From Making Them

Enchantment · 03-19-2012, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby

Boy I wish I lived in Enchantments fairy tale world....

Yah, me too...cuz it's not a fairy tale, that's for sure.

It can be a real slog and very difficult at times, but if you actually put your mind to it you can find yourself making progress no matter how small...and even that small bit of progress can be ... enchanting.

Maybe you should try it.

JustAMan2 · 03-19-2012, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous

I really like the way you worded this summing up your story PandaKiss ! So true, this is needed for many. It may not sound favorable.. ..with the cussing & yelling part... but conflict can get a little grueling at times, emotions flared..... It is not often that me & mine fight, but when we have an issue, I dig it up in it's entirety & we will get to the bloody heart of it, so resolution is had...and completely. And sometimes we may still slip back into old rotten thinking patterns & fight a little more another day, this is just normal. Thank God for Make up sex ! Me & mine just had some this morning.

Resentment – A Real Danger to the State of Happiness

There are so many different Resentments even .... it can be open or concealed, immediate or delayed...

Then 3 common signs of concealed resentment:

1. Distrust
2. Questioning motives
3. Bitterness

Although I do agree it IS very much a choice on our parts -what to do with what is thrown at us.... or being left the crumbs in the marriage....in many cases, the injustice of what has taken place is not an easy pill to swallow.....not an easy choice by any means.

I know in my own life... unrelated to marriage in this case.... but with a female family member... Me & her did not see eye to eye on some issues.... and by all means she has the right to CHOOSE whatever she wanted to do, this is HER LIFE TO LIVE....but in that ...I also have my own choices for my life, for my immediate family.... and they may not be what she wanted of me or expected of me in response to hers.....

But in following my heart and what is best FOR ME....in determining to live my life ABOVE RESENTMENT of any sort (always a goal of mine)....certain boundaries had to be erected - to not allow myself to throw my pearls before swine to be trampled on again and again. Ya know.

Sometimes it may mean the end of a marraige...where 2 can not get past something, where one's heart is not into the marriage, or not willing to give what the other needs ( I am talking "reasonable" wants & needs here). These emotions must go somewhere, we are not set up to be willling victims every day.

Some offenses are indeed perceived , misunderstood even....TINY, like a seed...and we go on to grow a tree of hate out of it... but then some are like canons..... a breech of mistrust, ongoing rejections, the wasting of 10 yrs in a sexless marraige... Some resentments are truly monsterous ...because the offenses were !!!

I feel we need to emphasize with those struggling to choose to forgive. I don't see it as this easy going forth in any way. Not for the monsterous hurts over the years. Without the willing wanting loving validation and cooperation of the one who hurt, maimed and screams every day they don't care about our needs.... this is a mountain to climb.....one where we may never reach the top in fullfillment in such a relationship.

SimplyA...

Thank you for putting into words SO well what's it's like to deal with CONTINUAL rejection!! I understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. I've had to practice it many, many times. I've been the offender too and sought the forgiveness of another.

BUT...I don't turn around the next day with a calloused heart and re-wound that person again and again and again and again!!!! Stomping on their heart, as it were, with a pair of cowboy boots.

I just don't understand how someone can say "I love you" then wound you over and over and over again in spite of the knowledge that their behavior is doing severe damage to your heart/emotions. In spite of the knowledge that it's GOING to cause feelings of resentment SIMPLY because we are all human beings and have limits.

That is not real "love", now is it? At least it's not in my book. It's like the word "faith". It's been hijacked by our modern world. See, REAL faith, Biblical faith, is OBEDIENT FAITH. Not just a flowery word that says "I think God exists."

REAL love recognizes wounds, and does all it can to NEVER wound like that again.

But when the wounds continue, over and over and over...resentment is GOING to set in. As surely as doing without food will cause one to have feelings of hunger, so constant wounding will set up feelings of resentment.

Sawney Beane · 03-19-2012, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enchantment

Yah, me too...cuz it's not a fairy tale, that's for sure.

It can be a real slog and very difficult at times, but if you actually put your mind to it you can find yourself making progress no matter how small...and even that small bit of progress can be ... enchanting.

Maybe you should try it.

I can see why people reacted to what said the way they did.
I guess in some ways it comes down to whether when you forgive and move on, the other person a) sees that as a positive character aspect and something to make them try to better themselves, or b) sees you as a mug who will forgive any old crap so they can get away with it again and again...

Just saying...

phantomfan · 03-19-2012, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catherine602

What do you mean by the statement in red?
I understand that Phantom. Please don't take my post as ignoring you effort and dismissing your pain as invalid. I know it is valid.

It appears from what you are saying about your wife , you have some valid reasons to resent her. I described my situation to let you know that I was a bit like your wife. And my husbands reaction was like yours I think.

The spiral down started with us started because of me but, I did not do it intesionally. I thought that with children, we both needed to put them first and to mature in the relationship.

I thought that we should forgo the focus on ourselves and pleasure until the period of time when the kids were so exhausting and took up so much energy. Not no sexual activity but less.

My husband told me that he loved me even more deeply when I was the mother of his children. He described it as uncontrollable and visceral.

His desire for me remained unchanged, unlike mine. He said it was difficult for him to control and he felt angry, frustrated and felt that I did not love him anymore.

I found out after the fact when we talked about what happened. This from a man who does not talk about his emotion frequently.

I think it is this period that is pivotal to the future of many relationships. Misunderstanding causes resentment and the spiral begins.

This is what I think. Parenthood seems to be precipitate the start of problems in many relationships.

Women need to realize that although they fall absolutely in love with the baby, they still have a husband. He is 1/2 of the equation that made the baby.

It takes a lot of effort and understanding to modulate the love of baby and remember the love that got her there.

Men need to realize that the changes in their wives are normal and are part of the experience of motherhood and the aftermath of pregnacy and birth and healing.

They need to modulate their sexual expectations and remember that their partner needs their understanding, help and patience.

I wish we understood that then. I know now that if we could have discussed it, we would have worked it out and avoided so much pain.

To clarify, I do think my wife did/does use sex as a tool for a means to an end. If things were not perfect, she's off the menu. Do I think she did it with malice, no but the result is no different. It's very common practice to do that. When we the HD person let sex be used that way, it ultimately is our fault for allowing it. Will I allow that to continue in the future now that I've got some positive things to counter that behavior? Not if I can help it! ;-)

ladybird · 03-19-2012, 04:58 PM

Mine is way up there. It was 230 (85%) Above 210: Resentment is moving toward contempt and bitterness.

SimplyAmorous · 03-19-2012, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustAMan2

SimplyA...

Thank you for putting into words SO well what's it's like to deal with CONTINUAL rejection!! I understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. I've had to practice it many, many times. I've been the offender too and sought the forgiveness of another.

I have not walked in such shoes, and frankly, I'd be too damn weak too, and pissed off to do it...even for a short time. .....many of you are sooooo much better than I.
When I am the offender, and it happens from time to time, generally my mouth...I go OUT Of MY WAY to makes amends... if I care about them, if they are important in my life. I feel very very strongly about this.

I am no longer a Christian , but I know that Bible... 1 thing I feel is NOT taught enough these days....everyone yaks about forgiveness, Jesus forgives us our sins, bla bla bla...like we are off the hook... but how often do they teach to go to the one we HURT, make amends / heartful reconciliation before we come to that alter?? Until we go there, cross those muddied waters....we will not even be heard.... it is worthless to God. (Matt 5:24) ... I so agree with that . Too few take the time.

It is all dribble otherwise.

I know for me, I have no peace at all , when I am alerted to hurting someone , until I put some action behind my bothered conscience - which can be a pain up the ass at times...but in it's own way..it IS a blessing...and a necessity of honest living...even to sparing others resentments against me, I do not want that in any way shape or form. I strive for PEACE with those I love. I want their happiness as much as it can be helped from my hand.

Quote:

I just don't understand how someone can say "I love you" then wound you over and over and over again in spite of the knowledge that their behavior is doing severe damage to your heart/emotions. In spite of the knowledge that it's GOING to cause feelings of resentment SIMPLY because we are all human beings and have limits.

Of course we have limits.

I appreciate this write up to explain how deeply men feel on this particular issue : Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband

Quote:

That is not real "love", now is it? At least it's not in my book. It's like the word "faith". It's been hijacked by our modern world. See, REAL faith, Biblical faith, is OBEDIENT FAITH. Not just a flowery word that says "I think God exists."

REAL love recognizes wounds, and does all it can to NEVER wound like that again.

But when the wounds continue, over and over and over...resentment is GOING to set in. As surely as going without food will cause one to have feelings of hunger, so constant wounding will set up feelings of resentment.

I could not agree with you more JustAman....

Here is an article I found on the net to mirror what I feel is NECESSARY from the spouse who has emotionally wounded, rejected time & time & time again causing a void in the others heart.... if their mouth is anywhere near their heart... they will willingly ACT .....they will give back to their ability.... they most definitely have a part to play... this idea we just choose to forgive... without them playing some role .... I have a hard time stomaching this -if we are married, that is.

I can see it... if that person is outside of the marriage...but it is different when we are as ONE with another. Would anyone disagree with that? Our partners need to show they are "in this with us... they LOVE us" or the Resentment will remain, unless we become comfortably NUMB somewhere down the line, we loose a part of ourselves just to remain in a Fruitless marraige.

Relationship Wisdom :: Resentments: Getting Rid of Them

I am all for Forgiveness , believe me...I've read a few books on this subject.... I find Lewis Smedes to be the best author of them all....

Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve

Some tips about Forgiveness here (not related to Marraige -but in general)

1. Forgiving is the only way to be fair to yourself after someone hurts you unfairly.

2. Forgivers are not doormats; they do not have to tolerate the bad things that they forgive.

3. Forgivers are not fools; they forgive and heal themselves, but they do not have to go back for more abuse.

4. We don’t have to wait until the other person repents before we forgive him or her and heal
ourselves.

5. Forgiving is a journey. For us, it takes time, so be patient and don’t get discouraged if you
backslide have to do it over again.

SimplyAmorous · 03-19-2012, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Ladybird said: Mine is way up there. It was 230 (85%) Above 210: Resentment is moving toward contempt and bitterness.

Quote:

Pandakiss said: mine was 40...but i dont understand the angle of the questions though

I took that resentment test before I did this thread... just to see what it would give me, I got a whopping "3" . I didn't have my husband take it but I know it would be similar. Years ago, it would have been alot higher on his end though.... when he was hiding his feelings from me, concealing them.

MEM11363 · 03-19-2012, 08:39 PM

Just,
Your wife has bought into the idea that because something bad was done to her she gets diplomatic immunity for life when it comes to abusing others - even those who have done naught but try to love her. That said, I don't know how you stay with someone who deceived you for two decades and doesn't really seem sorry.

OTE=JustAMan2;636214]SimplyA...

Thank you for putting into words SO well what's it's like to deal with CONTINUAL rejection!! I understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. I've had to practice it many, many times. I've been the offender too and sought the forgiveness of another.

BUT...I don't turn around the next day with a calloused heart and re-wound that person again and again and again and again!!!! Stomping on their heart, as it were, with a pair of cowboy boots.

I just don't understand how someone can say "I love you" then wound you over and over and over again in spite of the knowledge that their behavior is doing severe damage to your heart/emotions. In spite of the knowledge that it's GOING to cause feelings of resentment SIMPLY because we are all human beings and have limits.

That is not real "love", now is it? At least it's not in my book. It's like the word "faith". It's been hijacked by our modern world. See, REAL faith, Biblical faith, is OBEDIENT FAITH. Not just a flowery word that says "I think God exists."

REAL love recognizes wounds, and does all it can to NEVER wound like that again.

But when the wounds continue, over and over and over...resentment is GOING to set in. As surely as doing without food will cause one to have feelings of hunger, so constant wounding will set up feelings of resentment.[/QUOTE]
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