My W never initiates sex, hugs, kisses or touches. I try to talk about it and she gets angry. She lets me hug her and she says she likes it, but she says that she does not initiate because she has a low sex drive. Does this make any sense? We get along OK, and of course I want more sex. But if I stop initiating, she would be content on just being roomies.
Hi hoag ~
When you do initiate, is she able to get in to the moment and enjoy it?
Many (not all) women are more sexually responsive, in that they may not have sex on their mind much at all until they are in a situation where someone else initiates it with them (that someone is usually someone who has a more spontaneous desire).
It's more common for men to have more spontaneously driven desire, one reason being the high levels of testosterone (the hormone that causes lustfulness) in a man's body compared to the much, much lower levels in a woman's.
If you feel you and your wife fit in to those categories, then you can start to educate yourself about each of your general sexual desires and responses and learn to work with that. The Truth about Female Desire | Psychology Today
Does your wife acknowledge that this is an issue that needs to be worked on?
While it may be true that people have varying levels of need in regards to physical touching and affection, it sounds like your wife is avoiding touch because she fears that it will translate in to sex.
You say that you get along well. You feel that the sexual intimacy is lacking, what does she think is lacking? Have you ever explored what it is that both of you would like out of your marriage? Some good resources to start that process are: Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books
(There is also a companion web-site at marriagebuilders.com.) The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languagesģ
There are also many men on the site who have had success in improving their outlook and their lives and often recommend the following book which also has a blog: Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (9781460981733): Athol Kay: Books
There are many things that you can do to try and improve your lot in life - including your sex life. You just have to be willing to take that first step and not be afraid to lead the process.