Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-16-2012, 02:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

My W never initiates sex, hugs, kisses or touches. I try to talk about it and she gets angry. She lets me hug her and she says she likes it, but she says that she does not initiate because she has a low sex drive. Does this make any sense? We get along OK, and of course I want more sex. But if I stop initiating, she would be content on just being roomies.
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Old 03-16-2012, 04:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

I believe your problem is that your wife feels like you only care about sex, you don't truly love her and you are using her (as a sexual vessel). So when you touch her, it's a prelude to the sex that you want, making her feel further objectified.
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Old 03-16-2012, 07:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

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My W never initiates sex, hugs, kisses or touches. I try to talk about it and she gets angry. She lets me hug her and she says she likes it, but she says that she does not initiate because she has a low sex drive. Does this make any sense? We get along OK, and of course I want more sex. But if I stop initiating, she would be content on just being roomies.
It is fairly rare for a woman with low sexual desire (usually caused by some other factor) to not want to experience some out of the bedroom intimacy like hugging, holding hands etc. Even if they don't want sex most women do like some intimacy in their lives. It could be that it is a fear and/or discomfort of intimacy itself that is causing her to have low sexual desire. These fears usually have their roots in childhood traumas of various kinds. For instance the children of alcoholic parents often grow up feeling uncomfortable with the kind of intimacy you get in a marriage. Although, they often do enjoy sex when they can keep the partner at arms length emotionally before they get married.

With men it is a whole different story. Men who do not want sex with their partners for whatever reason will avoid any kind of intimate touching as they see this as a slippery slope to sex.
This is especially true if sexual dysfunction is the cause of their avoiding sex.
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Old 03-17-2012, 08:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

That hasn't been my experience. My wife likes to hold hands, hello/goodbye hugs etc but any other non-sexual touching is not well received. It "could lead to sex"...

Of course, I don't help the matter because I try to get my feels in when I can...
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

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Originally Posted by hoag View Post
My W never initiates sex, hugs, kisses or touches. I try to talk about it and she gets angry. She lets me hug her and she says she likes it, but she says that she does not initiate because she has a low sex drive. Does this make any sense? We get along OK, and of course I want more sex. But if I stop initiating, she would be content on just being roomies.
Hi hoag ~

When you do initiate, is she able to get in to the moment and enjoy it?

Many (not all) women are more sexually responsive, in that they may not have sex on their mind much at all until they are in a situation where someone else initiates it with them (that someone is usually someone who has a more spontaneous desire).

It's more common for men to have more spontaneously driven desire, one reason being the high levels of testosterone (the hormone that causes lustfulness) in a man's body compared to the much, much lower levels in a woman's.

If you feel you and your wife fit in to those categories, then you can start to educate yourself about each of your general sexual desires and responses and learn to work with that.

The Truth about Female Desire | Psychology Today

Does your wife acknowledge that this is an issue that needs to be worked on?

While it may be true that people have varying levels of need in regards to physical touching and affection, it sounds like your wife is avoiding touch because she fears that it will translate in to sex.

You say that you get along well. You feel that the sexual intimacy is lacking, what does she think is lacking? Have you ever explored what it is that both of you would like out of your marriage? Some good resources to start that process are:

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books (There is also a companion web-site at marriagebuilders.com.)

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love LanguagesŪ

There are also many men on the site who have had success in improving their outlook and their lives and often recommend the following book which also has a blog:

Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (9781460981733): Athol Kay: Books

There are many things that you can do to try and improve your lot in life - including your sex life. You just have to be willing to take that first step and not be afraid to lead the process.

Best wishes.
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:31 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

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That hasn't been my experience. My wife likes to hold hands, hello/goodbye hugs etc but any other non-sexual touching is not well received. It "could lead to sex"...

Of course, I don't help the matter because I try to get my feels in when I can...
Hugs and hand holding was what I was talking about. It is not that anything else may make her think it would lead to sex, that is possible, but more likely it is the increased intimacy itself that is freaking her out.

With refusing men it is always that ANY kind of intimacy they believe will lead to the sex that they seek to avoid. Generally they neither want nor will engage in any kind of touching.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

My wife and I are in a sexless marriage (both of us are LD) but we do hug, hold hands, etc and so any type of "intimacy" is fine with either of us because it does not lead to sex.
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

When you do initiate, is she able to get in to the moment and enjoy it?
Occasionally, she gets into it, but most times she goes along half-assed knowing that it is an issue to me.

Does your wife acknowledge that this is an issue that needs to be worked on?
She knows that it is an issue, but gets very stressed and even angry when I try to talk with her about it. She says that she does not think about that stuff and initiating touches or making sure that she is into a hug everyday makes the whole thing to be a job.

Thanks for the advise.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:51 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

I've never experienced LD, but my wife suffers from it. She explained to me that she's always craved my touch but she'd been reluctant because she assumed any touch I initiated was because I intended to have sex. She would avoid all touching. Fixing that was just a matter of communication. Once she trusted and understood that I primarily wanted intimacy with her, things improved quickly. Understanding each other up front, I can enjoy holding her without trying to take things farther. She can relax and enjoy the experience as well. As it turns out, though, these cuddle sessions now frequently do end up with sex, but she's the one that takes it there.
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Old 03-22-2012, 11:21 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does low sex drive mean no desire to touch

Thanks for the feedback, but I have spoken to my wife about this many times and have told her how much I like an occassional casual touch or a hug from her. In fact, I hold back talking to her about it because it gets her upset to just bring up the topic. I see her initiate hugs with our children on a regular basis. She claims that she simply does not think about it, so she doesn't do it. She also thinks that it is how most couples get after a long relationship.
I do not agree. I take it personal and am bothered by it. All I can do is to continue to do the right things, and hopefully I can get her to open her eyes.
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