I'm new to this kind of thing..... I never thought I would actually put my feelings down, actually say them out loud to anybody. However, I'm at a loss for what to do and I need some guidance from people who hopefully have been through, and made it through situations similar to mine. This is going to be long, I'm sorry. However, I want to share as much info as I can to try and get some help in saving my marriage... if it's not beyond saving at this point.
I'm 28 years old, and have been married for 4 years to my husband who is 23. I actually met my husband through online roleplaying chat on Yahoo!, and we started out as just friends. Eventually we met and fell in love, and everything started out great in the beginning (Doesn't it always??). The marriage was happy, we became best friends, and the time we spent in the bedroom was amazing. I'm a very sexual person, so my husband and I were intimate at least 2-3 times a week and I'd perform oral usually every other day. My husband was flirty during the day, teasing me, and loved that I was willing to try anything. He was a virgin when we met, though I was not.
A few months after we got married, I started to notice a change. He started to say "No" whenever I asked about having some fun, or would ignore my advances and innuendo that involved sex. I was still regularly performing oral at least 2-3x a week, and would always say yes whenever he was in the mood. Over time it got to where any time I asked for sex I was told no (I almost always had to instigate the sex from the beginning, unless my husband was away from me for a long period of time.), and the asking turned into begging.... I hated myself for begging like a *****. I felt dirty, I felt ugly, I felt unloved and unwanted.
It eventually got to where I stopped asking, and I stopped performing oral on him unless he asked. Now he doesn't even ask...
I asked him why he didn't want to have sex, and he just said he wasn't in the mood or wasn't very sexual. I asked if it was because of the way I looked, he said no. If it's because the sex was bad, and he said that wasn't it either. He tells me he loves me, that he likes me, that he's being honest with me and that he can't live without me.
But I started to question his honesty with me when he started texting with a girl that he met on Xbox. He is an avid gamer, and gaming has taken over his life (to where I feel part of our sexual issues are from the fact that he is ALWAYS playing games all day... Even on his phone at work.). He started talking to this girl privately on Xbox and apparently gave her his cell number. We work together, and one day I was in the office when his phone got a text message from the girl. It said "Too bad you're not here to join me in the shower.", and immediately I grabbed the phone and confronted my husband with the text. He claimed the girl was joking, that they were just friends and had never talked like that before. I believed him, calmed down, and started to try and talk to him and joke around a little. He said he had to go back to work, and with him being absolutely unmotivated at work I knew that something was fishy.
That night he had left his phone in the car and asked me to grab it. Of course I looked at the texts that were left between him in the girl. He had messaged her, right after our confrontation, "Thank goodness she believes me. Good thing I've got a golden tongue." The messages continued talking about their Xbox game and ended shortly afterward. I had never told him that I read what he wrote after the initial argument. I didn't know what to say really...
After this whole thing happened I took a moment to talk to my husband a few weeks later. But when I talked to him a few weeks later I asked if he thought Sexting and Phone Sex would be considered cheating. He said "no". I explained to him that I saw it as cheating because the entire beginning of our relationship was online, and how would he feel if I were sexting or having phone sex with another man even today. He said that he hadn't thought of it that way, and that he wouldn't want me to be doing the same with a guy. A week after this conversation he came and told me that the girl he had been texting with admitted that she was in love with him, so he told her he couldn't talk anymore.... But I didn't believe him. I figured he broke it off because he realized what he was doing was wrong... and I can almost guarantee that he was doing something.
I would consider myself a pretty cool wife.... I cook, clean, do the laundry, and take care of the animals on the farm. I don't ask much from my husband along the lines of work around the house, and don't bother him while he plays his video games after work. I try to encourage my husband to spend time away from me, to make friends, and he always tells me he would rather be with me than with other people. I play video games with my husband on occasion and do just about everything for him at the house (getting him water, bringing him his food every night, making breakfast and lunch). We share a lot of the same interests and spend a lot of time laughing with one another.
But right now I feel more like a mother/roommate more so than a wife. We have sex only once a month, but I know my husband masturbates regularly. You can only walk in on a man staring at the Google screen so many times before you figure it out. My husband and I are both currently losing weight, though he has dropped faster than myself (Such is the luck of men.), but I'm in better shape than I was when we first started dating! Still no sex, still no touching, still no intimacy. I don't get deep kissed anymore, maybe 3 times a year at best. If my husband flirts with me, as soon as we get home from work and he starts playing games he loses interest. And if I try to start it up before he starts playing, I get turned down.
I don't know what to do anymore.... Has anybody had anything like this happen? Can anybody offer any advice? I'm at the point where I can only handle taking care of myself for so long. I miss the intimacy, feeling sexy, feeling desired. I'm crying myself to sleep more nights than not, and cannot get over the feeling of being absolutely lost and unappreciated/unwanted. I've become a mother or a roomie, and now even people are talking about how our relationship seems more like me taking care of him than a regular marriage.
Please help.... I'm so sad... and I'm young! I should be having the time of my life right now with my husband! We have no children, neither of us want any, and am a very sexual girl. Most husbands have to beg their wives for sex, and yet I cannot get my husband to even consider the idea.
I'm so lost, and I feel alone.