Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Had sex problems for a while now. Admitedly, partly my fault because I've put on so much weight.
Anyway, for the past few months, sex has been off but wife has been willing to provide 'services' if you know what I mean.
Now she says she hates it because the attraction is just not there because of my weight.
I've tried to explain its difficult for me to go without totally. I cant understand why she cant just help me out if she loves me. she says its something she hates.
Am I being unfair her? Should I just suck it up and lose weight? Or should she be a bit more flexible?
Weight loss can be very difficult to do...once you really committ to it it can be done (I lost 70 lbs).
As you lose weight and your body changes, there is a good chance she will start to become physically attracted to you. Wow is sex much better when she actually wants to be there and have it with you....
For that reason alone - heck yea - give it a go.
I dated a gentlemen for four years and in the last two years he began to put on weight. In the begining of it I discussed with him how the extra weight was putting a strain on my level of physical attraction to him. I offered to go to the gym with him and pay for it and I eliminated junk food from our household and made smarter food choices when we ate out in hopes he would do the same.
Well he went to the gym one day and then told me that he didnt need to go anymore, that it was a waste of time and he could work out at work. He ate whatever he wanted at work and then brought home fast food and a two liter bottle of soda. I became more discouraged by the fact he didnt seem to care about taking care of himself and that he had blantly dismissed my concern. So they continous weight gain on top of his lack of effort pushed the idea of sex right out the window. I eventually realized that his love for food was more than the love he had for me, and I began to picture years of health problems down the road, so I ended the relationship.
Your wife was honest was with you and personally think you should take that information and do the best you can for your health, the health of your marriage and the improvement of your sex life. Small steps can lead to big rewards. You can do it.
I agree it's a good idea to go ahead and lose the weight, it's just going to benefit you overall.
BUT
I can't help but wonder if the the thread were about YOU wanting HER to lose weight because you weren't attracted any more, would the responses be different? Usually when you hear men complain about their wives weight it's followed by criticism for not loving them for who they are or not being supportive etc.
My two cents= Yes lose the weight. But also she should still love you the same and be supportive. Not saying she isn't cuz I don't know, just saying it because I didn't see anyone else mention it.
I can't help but wonder if the the thread were about YOU wanting HER to lose weight because you weren't attracted any more, would the responses be different? Usually when you hear men complain about their wives weight it's followed by criticism for not loving them for who they are or not being supportive etc.
I have seen this topic in the reverse form and yes I notice that when its a woman the general agreement is either a rant about the man being shallow and insensitive or the man being told to just accept it.
Maybe it's just me, but the majority of the post on the reverse situation and the responses irritate me. Why? Mainly because many of them continously mention how they have children or how many children they have. I know many woman who have had multiple children and still are able to maintain a healthy weight. My mother gave birth to three children. She didnt have a car, a gym membership, or an encouraging husband but she put in the effort to keep her body toned and nice.
I just dont think its fair for husbands/wives to be forced into contentment on their spouses weight just because they said "I do." Yes, I know it says for better or for worse, but if you can control and correct what is worse, why not do something about it?
Since the onset of my MD I put on 50 pounds until two years ago ago and I have since lost the weight and I am back to my weight that I was when I first met my wife.
Good point. I actually have to agree with you on the gender difference in weight sensitivity. I think people walk on eggshells a little more with women in terms of weight because it's such a sensitive issue. However, male or female, it's unhealthy to be overweight. Having a healthy BMI is important for health as well as intimacy.
Bah, the BMI is a piece of ****.
It fits for one body type and one body type only, the unathletic/non-muscular type. If you have any muscle tone at all the BMI says you are obese.
I am 5'8" tall, I weigh 190 lbs, and its all muscle (less than 10% body fat) due to working out a lot. The BMI says I'm obese at less than 10% body fat. Really at my weight I'm right at the "border" of just being "over weight" and "obese". If I add another pound or 2 of muscle I'll be fully obese.
Sorry for the tangent rant, but the BMI is really a crock of crap, don't go off of it at all unless you never lift any weights at all.
Nothing is more repulsive to women than begging or pressuring them for sex. This is way more than the weight. Absolutely you should lose weight. But you also need to figure out how to woo her.
Marriages change over time. After a while passive wooing no longer works. You can't just watch tv and expect that your spouse wants to get with you. You need to act fast. Chances are that her hormones are raging and her sex drive is strong, but they go out like a snuffed candle when you enter the room.
She is probably focussing on your weight because it is an obvious change, but it is more likely that your behavior has become abysmally unnatractive. (Begging for sex or favors is #1 on the repulsive list.)
Go the bookstore and read every book on how "pick up", "manipulate", "bed", "flirt with", or "trick" women. These are manuals on how women want to be treated. Any woman(including your wife) is a puzzle waiting to be unlocked. By creating the appropriate set of artificial circumstances, you can cause your wife to like and desire you. Romantic men have a natural instinct for this. You might think of it as plotting and manipulative, but women view your careful plotting and thoughtful considerations positively (although I wouldn't show her the book titles).
You must learn to be romantic. Everytime you beg for sex you are putting a nail in your marriage coffin. Channel your sexual frustration by exercising. Find some other way to deal with it, or you will be losing her for good.
She used to like you. Use it to your advantage by becoming fun and flirty like you used to be, not needy. Being needy (sexual or emotionally) is stupid, unnatractive, and unmanly. It is impossible to like or respect.
From now on you are to be a cool cucumber. Sexual rejection is a challenge for you. It is funny. It happens 99% of the time for all men, and we expect it. It never hurts our feelings. It only makes us want to be even more fun. We will never pressure her for sex. The idea of her engaging in sex acts without enjoying it is revolting to us. We would never let some we love and desire so much act like a w-hore.
I agree it's a good idea to go ahead and lose the weight, it's just going to benefit you overall.
BUT
I can't help but wonder if the the thread were about YOU wanting HER to lose weight because you weren't attracted any more, would the responses be different? Usually when you hear men complain about their wives weight it's followed by criticism for not loving them for who they are or not being supportive etc.
My two cents= Yes lose the weight. But also she should still love you the same and be supportive. Not saying she isn't cuz I don't know, just saying it because I didn't see anyone else mention it.
I hear what you're saying but if I'm honest, she has been mentioning my weight for years now. Its not like she suddently stopped the sex. She has tried for years to carry on with it.
And although I've lost 'some' weight I'm not that good at doing diets etc.
Thanks for bringing that up. I should've been clearer.
For athletic types, you're right, BMI is off-base as muscle weighs more than fat. However, for someone who's overweight, non-athletic, it's a start. Many who are overweight are hesistant to step foot in a gym and have a body comp measurement (although it's all confidential!). So, for a man who is 5'10" and weighs 275 lbs and knows that it's not lean mass, it can be a start. He's gonna look and see that his BMI is over 30 and he has some work to do. It's definitely not a one-size-fits-all approach. Most don't have a set of calipers on hand--which can actually give incorrect readings too (based on human error)!
Think my BMI must be over 30.
I'm 5'8" and 228lbs. (I did used to be about 260 lbs though).
Nothing is more repulsive to women than begging or pressuring them for sex. This is way more than the weight. Absolutely you should lose weight. But you also need to figure out how to woo her.
Marriages change over time. After a while passive wooing no longer works. You can't just watch tv and expect that your spouse wants to get with you. You need to act fast. Chances are that her hormones are raging and her sex drive is strong, but they go out like a snuffed candle when you enter the room.
She is probably focussing on your weight because it is an obvious change, but it is more likely that your behavior has become abysmally unnatractive. (Begging for sex or favors is #1 on the repulsive list.)
Go the bookstore and read every book on how "pick up", "manipulate", "bed", "flirt with", or "trick" women. These are manuals on how women want to be treated. Any woman(including your wife) is a puzzle waiting to be unlocked. By creating the appropriate set of artificial circumstances, you can cause your wife to like and desire you. Romantic men have a natural instinct for this. You might think of it as plotting and manipulative, but women view your careful plotting and thoughtful considerations positively (although I wouldn't show her the book titles).
You must learn to be romantic. Everytime you beg for sex you are putting a nail in your marriage coffin. Channel your sexual frustration by exercising. Find some other way to deal with it, or you will be losing her for good.
She used to like you. Use it to your advantage by becoming fun and flirty like you used to be, not needy. Being needy (sexual or emotionally) is stupid, unnatractive, and unmanly. It is impossible to like or respect.
From now on you are to be a cool cucumber. Sexual rejection is a challenge for you. It is funny. It happens 99% of the time for all men, and we expect it. It never hurts our feelings. It only makes us want to be even more fun. We will never pressure her for sex. The idea of her engaging in sex acts without enjoying it is revolting to us. We would never let some we love and desire so much act like a w-hore.
I agree with Freetobeme as well. My husband has gained weight throughout our marriage, but it has never affected my desire for him. He is still the same man I have loved my whole life. I worry more for health reasons. I guess I am not a visual person, although he is still very sexy in my eyes. His heart and mind is what I love....
wife cutting off the extra services now 
Good point. I actually have to agree with you on the gender difference in weight sensitivity. I think people walk on eggshells a little more with women in terms of weight because it's such a sensitive issue. However, male or female, it's unhealthy to be overweight. Having a healthy BMI is important for health as well as intimacy.
