Ind.Learner

My husband and I have been married for ~2 months but have been together for over 2 years. We are 19 and 20 years old. Both new at sex. Because I am my husband's first sexual partner he had previously used masturbation his entire life. He mainly watched porn or looked at pictures online.

Our issue lies in how he views women and sex. During sex he likes to think of women as very ****ty and rather impersonal. He likes skimpy lingerie, dirty talking, etc.. I think of it as a fetish. I don't really meet this role that he is so attracted to because I'm his wife and doesn't think of me as a **** so he can't really get off when we're having sex! He can't ejaculate unless he's watching porn and touching himself. I tell him that it's okay and that I just want him to enjoy himself during sex and that he can cum later. But I really want our sex life to be pleasurable and for him to see me in a sexual way.

Let me describe the problem the way he described it to me. He told me that there are different classifications for women in his life... there are female colleagues which he isn't attracted to, schoolmates which are just friends, family members who are sisters, mothers, wives, etc, and then there are sexual partners which fall into the realm of sexual attraction due to their appearances and lack of close or friendly ties. I just happen to fall into the family category. Maybe this is because we were in love before we ever had sex.

I've suggested to him that I could wear sexier lingerie or start talking dirtier. I've tried the former but it didn't work out that well.

What I truly need and want is to understand what the problem really is and how to truly fix it... if becoming more sexy/****ty is the answer, then I'm open to it, but I would love some opinions on this.

Thank you for your help in advance. It means very much to us

Edit: in our defense, marriage was the only reasonable way to be together because before we were married we were living in two different countries (me in USA and him in Switzerland) and I needed to marry him if I wanted to come live with him as a resident. We are a very strong couple and we are ready for commitment, but thank you for your concern.

YinPrincess

He has to reprogram himself for a relationship with another person. He has to get rid of the porn and probably quit masturbating for awhile and get lots of practice with you.

My husband had similar issues at first from being alone so long, and had trouble climaxing from intercourse alone. A little time and practice and the issue resolved itself.
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Hicks

The thing is, this is his problem to fix and not your problem to fix.
What you have to do is communicate that this is about what you need, and not about what he needs. You need to tell him to get whatever help or work out whatever is causing him not to be sexual with you or you will leave him.

Now, some other comments. 1. You are too young to be married. 2. You should have figured this out in dating phase or engagement phase, becuase the purpose of that part of your relationship is to determine if you are compatable. 3. Most men want to have sex with virtually all women in their life except their relatives. If he considers his wife in the same way as his mother, he really needs therapy.

Good luck to you.

Jamison

He is decenstized to you, a real human body who can bring him pleasure. Instead he gets off to women on a screen. Unfortunately this isn't a marriage and wont be until all porn is out of his life and he understands what being with a real loving human being is.

Mavash.

I agree it's HIS problem to fix. He has no idea how to relate to a real woman.

And yes you likely got married way way too young.

CallaLily

He is only 20, he hasn't gotten out of his porn/masturbation stage yet, not enough to at least know about real love and sexual satisfaction with a actual woman. And yes, some men never really get out of that stage.

Anyway I see this as a problem for you down the road as well. Unless he gets some serious help. I think he is hooked on the porn/masturbation on the computer. He probably doesn't need that for awhile and maybe needs to see what its like to go without that. maybe it will help him connect with you more on a physical/emotional level.

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Lionelhutz

I agree. Tell him to stay away from the porn and masturbation. Or at least only masturbate with you and watch porn with you...ideally with you doing the masturbating if that is what is required at first. In time, if you become his sole sexual outlet and you guys keep it fun, I bet he will change his thinking

He sounds like he is still conflicted about sex and can't reconcile respects with a actual fun erotic sex.

If he has a happy and willing partner and he applies his imagination and energy to you, then he may find real life can be a lot more satisfying than a fantasy world.

But the key is he has to try and invest some effort.

diwali123

Is he from a family that is very religious or from another country?
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trey69

Husband doesn't want to "spoil" me... so he can't think of me in a sexual way--help!

So he married you why? So you can cook, clean, and do everything else why he gets to satisfy himself with the computer?

No, neither of you are ready for a committment, you are both young, 19 and 20 most people at that age do not know anything about what they want. Most are still trying to find themselves, and sow wild oats.

If you haven't already, give it some time and when he hasn't changed you will grow, angry and harbor resentment, if you think its not good now, just wait.

Give him a choice/Ultimatium, tell him its either you or the computer. If he chooses the computer, then you need to head back to the USA.

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"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

Ind.Learner

He is from Macedonia, yes.
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Ind.Learner

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Someone mentioned (then deleted) something about a Madonna/***** complex. After some quick research it sounds just like him. I will research this some more. Thanks for the replies and advice guys, but I still stand by my knowledge that we are mentally and sexually mature enough to marry, however, we still need more sexual experience with each other to figure this out.

diwali123

What religion is he?
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Ind.Learner

We are both atheists. I was Christian once but he has had a secular upbringing.
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diwali123

I'm thinking despite the secular upbringing it's the "Madonna/*****" complex common to catholic and orthodox thinking.,women are either virginal moms or *****s. Lots I men think sex is dirty and any woman who likes it is a ho.
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rogergrant

I can assure you that a marriage this young can work out, and I really don't understand people's need to bring this up as some sort of non-generalizable reality check. This poster is married, so too late. Unless you are advocating that she get divorced because she was married young its an irrelevant point. I can tell you from personal experience (about 15 years worth) that young relationships can continue and survive in a healthy fashion.