My husband won't have sex with me
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-23-2012, 09:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband won't have sex with me

I have been married for about six and a half years, and in that time my husband and I have had sex maybe 6 times. When we first started dating, we had sex all the time, sometimes multiple times a day. It gradually waned, until it became what it is now. I feel like we are roommates, or even brother/sister relationship, because we are best friends but there seems to be nothing else. Iíve tried talking to him about it, and he apologizes and says he wants to have sex more but nothing changes. Weíve been talking about having a baby; we are both in our early 30s and I desperately want kids. I try not to make sex just about that, because I donít want to put too much pressure on him, but I am very frustrated and depressed. He says heís attracted to me and he has been more affectionate lately. However, he is completely clueless when I try to make a move, and there is usually some excuse as to why we canít do it. Just the other day, we had another talk and I told him that if he doesnít want kids then I think we should divorce because I canít and wonít wait forever. He assures me that he definitely wants a baby soon, but then nothing changes. I even told him that if he doesnít want a baby now, I still want to have sex, and will even use condoms if heís worried about it. I just want to have a real marriage. Do you have any advice for me? I am at my witís end.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

My husband is a lot like this, in fact I'm amazed we have the kids we have, since we've had sex so infrequently over the years.

I assume you know he's not having an affair, isn't gay, and, has he ever been to a doctor for his low drive? Does he masturbate? Does he look at porn?
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

No affair, I'm pretty sure. Not gay. No masturbation in the past few years, but used to a lot. No porn. He really has no sex drive, I think. He won't go to a doctor, but I was able to get him to go to a counselor with me a couple of times. He basically just said he didn't know why he didn't want to have sex.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

Have you changed?

Weight gain, other issues that might have decreased your attractiveness in his eyes?

I've seen it before.. they get married, they let themselves go, and sometimes it's impossible to acknowledge those extra pounds to yourself.. but the partner sees it and it takes its toll.

This may not be the case with you at all, I'm just throwing it out there.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

Yes, I've gained weight. And so has he. A lot. He says he likes my curves. Maybe he's lying, though. You may have hit on part of the problem. My self esteem has always been pretty low, too.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

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Yes, I've gained weight. And so has he. A lot. He says he likes my curves. Maybe he's lying, though. You may have hit on part of the problem. My self esteem has always been pretty low, too.
He's lying.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

If this is true, what can I do? I'm already on a new exercise routine and diet. And I try to take care of myself and look good.
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Old 03-24-2012, 12:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

You need to focus on fixing YOUR self esteem. If it were high you wouldn't be here asking us this question. You would have dumped him by now.
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Old 03-24-2012, 01:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

Don't assume it's the weight... my husband has rejected me our whole marriage and my BMI is 21 up from 20 when we got married. Some people just have no drive
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Old 03-24-2012, 01:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Don't assume it's the weight... my husband has rejected me our whole marriage and my BMI is 21 up from 20 when we got married. Some people just have no drive
Plus he gained weight too. I'm not buying it either.
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Old 03-24-2012, 01:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

It doesn't matter to him if he gained weight.

It's how she appears to him that matters, at least in this particular case.

I suggest the Op do everything she can to lose the pounds as soon as possible. If you're dieting, eat even less. If you're exercising, double your routine.

If I'm right, he'll come right around, if I'm wrong, you'll be healthier and more attractive to the next guys you'll be looking to date.
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Old 03-24-2012, 01:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

I have no idea about whether weight gain is an issue. That's pretty specific to each guy. I know when my wife is heavier it has no bearing on whether or not I'm willing to have sex. Her weight has fluctuated over the years (20 years married) but that had nothing to do with whether I was willing or not.

The other thing you mentioned is no masturbation in the past few years but use to a lot, and no porn. I find this statement highly unlikely and naive. If he used to masturbate a lot, I can assure you that he still does. Out of all the things you mentioned, this is where I would start to look for a problem. I would have said look for signs of an affair, except that the lack of sex started at the beginning of the marriage and it seems unlikely that he's been stepping out since the very beginning. What seems most likely is that he had an addiction to his hand, and getting married didn't cure it the way he hoped it would.
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Old 03-24-2012, 06:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

OP,
How do YOU feel about the lack of sex, and what does having sex with your husband mean to you?

Since it's only been a few times in the total marriage, do you think either of you are getting an emotional connection from sex?
Is there any intimacy at all? Are you both satisfied with the level of intimacy, but the sex is required to have a baby?

I'm gently trying to ask a pointed question here.
After 6 years of hardly any sex, now the desire to have a baby has obviously not happened because of the lack of sex.

In the past 6 years, were you satisfied with having sex once a year? If not, have you talked to him about it before? What did he say?
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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No affair, I'm pretty sure. Not gay. No masturbation in the past few years, but used to a lot. No porn. He really has no sex drive, I think. He won't go to a doctor, but I was able to get him to go to a counselor with me a couple of times. He basically just said he didn't know why he didn't want to have sex.
This right here baffles me. Are you positive he's not masturbating, or even possibly cheating on you? I honestly can't go even a few days without.
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Old 03-25-2012, 08:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband won't have sex with me

Honestly, I've never really enjoyed sex myself. Either it hurts or I feel barely anything at all because he can't get it in. Both resulting from infrequent sex, I'm sure. I've always WANTED to like sex, so I would initiate something or try something new. But either it turns into a disaster, i.e. he can't get it in, or he turns me down. I guess we have more problems than just him not wanting sex. I've discovered a website with some different ideas and positions and I've introduced it to him. He seems very interested in trying some of the ideas, so hopefully something will change for the better. Maybe we just need new positions or ideas to get us going.

PureDope, I know he used to masturbate all the time because he would use my clean underwear to clean himself up afterward. When I'd do laundry, I would find pairs that I'd never worn. However, it's been ages since he's done that. I asked him about it and he said he just doesn't do it anymore.

Thanks, everyone, for all of your thoughts.
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