Why aren't handjobs free?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Why aren't handjobs free?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-24-2012, 08:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why aren't handjobs free?

I need more sex than my wife and she doesn't like me to play with myself. So, I realize how totally selfish this topic is, but why can't she just give me handjobs all the time. I'm so turned on by my wife all the time that she probably wouldn't even have to move her hand much and I could do most of the work. These things only take a couple of minutes for me if I set my mind to it. I know I'm gonna catch a lot of crap for this post, but I just want to know what other people think.
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Old 03-24-2012, 08:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Unless it effects your sex life, I don't understand what's wrong with a little self stimulation. Honestly, I think it's selfish on HER part not to "allow" you to do this.

Both men and women masturbate. It's a natural thing to do.

I don't really have good advice. I have a high drive right now and I can't imagine not being able to be satisfied even if it means self stimulation. If your wife is satisfied, why can't you be? If she doesn't want to help, then doing it yourself seems the logical answer. It's much better then getting it elsewhere(which is very wrong).
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

She sounds cruel. What kind of nutcase does not want to allow you to have sexual relief? Does she not want you to urinate also?

I would tell her that a) you are a male, and males have testosterone, and testosterone causes a sex drive. b) if you and she do not have sex at a certain frequency, you will masturbate. I would say I'd be delighted to have you do that for me.
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Old 03-24-2012, 11:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

She's the selfish one.

Who cares what she thinks? If she doesn't like it she has two choices either get in the game or shut up.
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Old 03-24-2012, 11:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

You need to have a frank discussion with your wife about how important this is to you.

Does she enjoy your sexual relationship? Do you know how to please her? Do you meet her needs inside and outside of the bedroom?

If she is inhibited, try a massage or warm bath before sex. Make sure she is receptive to being aroused.
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Old 03-24-2012, 11:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

Have you ever asked her if she is willing to do this for you?

Is she generally a sexually repressed/inhibited individual?

She sounds like she doesn't really know, or care, about the physiological aspects of a man's sexuality.

If it's because she doesn't know, then you can help to educate her about it.

If it's because she doesn't care, then there's more issues at play and we'd have to know more about her and your relationship.

Best wishes.
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Old 03-25-2012, 08:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

She says she thinks masturbation is gross and she has never done it and doesn't understand why I would. If she would just help me out a little bit more, I wouldn't have any desire to take care of myself.

I've tried hinting to her that HJ's would make my life easier. Its not like we don't ever have sex or anything. We have sex 2 or 3 times a week, which is great, but my needs are more than that(like 5 or 6 times a week at least).

I please her quite a bit. I know her favorite position, I love going down on her and I'm always striving to be the best lover possible. She used to want sex a lot too, but since she was pregnant with our child and afterwards her sex drive has decreased considerably. I thought things would pick up eventually, but its been a couple years now and now I feel like she should at least be trying to keep up with my needs.

I work hard so she doesn't have to, we split chores 50/50, I love taking care of our daughter, I compliment her all the time because she is beautiful. All I'm asking for is a little relief. I just feel like anytime I try to bring it up though, she gets defensive. I feel like anytime I bring anything up about our sex life at all she gets defensive. I just would like to be able to talk about things like this without her feeling like I am trying to make her feel guilty.

Last edited by ufl447; 03-25-2012 at 08:49 AM. Reason: posted from phone originally
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

I could definitely be wrong. I just don't know. My wife is great and we have a really great relationship except for this. Believe me, before my wife I was certainly not having this much sex. But I am horny a lot and try to be good and wait for her, but it makes it so my mind gets consumed with thoughts of sex, and sometimes I need to use my mind for other things.
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

Who cares if she doesn't want you to do it? It's your body. I don't get it.
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

I'm with Lady if you are getting sex 2-3 times a week you should count your blessings.

Just take care of yourself in between times and don't talk about it. In this case what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Your wife is getting defensive because in her mind she's already doing a lot for you sexually. Not everyone wants to have sex 5-6 times a week. Sucks I know but it's true.

Last edited by Mavash.; 03-25-2012 at 09:42 AM.
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

I guess my thoughts on how often I would like to have sex and an ideal amount is less about the number and more about flexibility. In my dreams 7 days a week, 365 days a year is the amount of sex I'd like to have, but realistically I am just interested in more like 5 or 6 times a week.

The real problem I guess is that once we have sex, there is a voice in my head that says, well...that's it for another couple of days. Sometimes it would be great if we had sex twice in one night. Or maybe just a quickie sometimes in the afternoon when it is not expected. It feels so scheduled these days and I miss the spontaneity.

I realize this is due in part to having a child, but we still have a lot of time to ourselves and I'm not saying every moment we possibly can we should have sex, but sometimes something out of the norm would be great.
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

Okay look what's going on is you are focusing on what you aren't getting and THAT is making you dissatisified. You are unable to focus on the present and enjoy the sex you do get. Instead you are ruminating on negative thoughts like "well that's it for another couple of days". If you aren't careful your wife is going to pick up on that vibe and will grow to resent you. It will feel to her as if nothing she does is good enough for you and that could make her quit all together.

Being the HD spouse sucks no doubt about it. I've been there as I'm married to a LD man. You have my sympathy. I still have to tell you that if you are getting it 2-3 times a week count your blessings.

It could be worse. A lot worse.
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:58 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

I do count my blessings. I have asked her about more sex and she is not really willing, that's why I thought maybe HJ's would be a better alternative to just get me off her back a little bit without her having to do much. It was just a thought.
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

Okay then I have a sincere suggestion for you that will help ease YOUR resentment. Back off 'some' on meeting HER needs. And by her needs I mean those 50% of the chores you do. If she isn't willing to give you a few minute HJ then maybe you shouldn't be so willing to do things for her.

See here's what happens to HD people. They give and give and give and give some more then grow resentful when they don't get back. So don't give so much. Not in a revengeful way in a wrapped in love/it's only fair kind of way.

I've done this with my LD husband. Didn't change the frequency of sex but it did make ME feel better.
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why aren't handjobs free?

My LD hub doesn't like the idea of me masturbating either. I'm to the point where I feel like its my body and I never agreed to let him own me. So I do it and don't talk about it.
I'm with you, I miss the spontaneity. I hate that feeling of "ok must wait three days". Thankfully last time we had sex twice in one night, I was so surprised!
Good luck to you.
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