Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've read though a lot of posts on here and feel slightly better that I'm not the only one with a problem, however my situation is a bit unique. I'm hoping to get some good advice from other men who can maybe help me understand what hes trying to tell me. I know that at times I do not understand what hes saying because I'm so emotionally invested that my mind twists the meaning, so I thought it was worth a shot.
As it stands, he and I have sex about once every couple of months. It has always been this way, ever since the beggining of the relationship five years ago, it started off long distance so it wasn't such a huge issue but the last two years have been live in and nothing has changed, if anything its gotten worse. We have talked about the problem many, many times and to be honest I'm getting tired of it, I just don't know how many more times we can just keep talking about the same things. He says he wants a better sex life, complains that he wants a hot sex life and so do I. You'd think that would make it easy but every time I try to initiate at all, even just touch his thiegh, he tells me to relax, that I'm being too agressive and that he doesn't want the deer hunting him. Its a total turn off for him. That being said, I don't feel like he chases me at all, I think at this point he sees it as a chore and doesn't want the hastle. Usually what happens is after 3 weeks or so of nothing but cuddling I'll reach out to him and get totally shot down because everything I try is wrong, wich of course causes emotional hurt and so on and so forth. Today when we woke up he says he wants to go with me to find an escourt service or someone else he can pay to teach me how to be sexy, have me take classes and such. I feel like I'm doing everything he asks me to do, but if I just let it go and do nothing, not even mention it for weeks at a time he just doesn't take the initiative.
Funilly enough, other than the intimacy, we have a perfect relationship, he treats me like a queen and I spoil him rotten. He tells me all the time that he loves me more than hes ever loved anyone and that he'll love me no matter what, that he just wants to fix the problem because right now apparently the only one who would sleep with me is some over sexed teen who would just be grateful to get laid. We are very good together, we cuddle and love on eachother all the time, more than any couple I've seen. I'm sure part of the problem is that I've been with him since I was 17 and have never been with anyone else, and since we never had a real sex life I guess you could call me pretty inexperienced still, so by now I'm just completely lost. With him being 12 years older he wants someone with more finess but I feel thats unfair as I've never had the chance to learn but apparently I don't get the chance to learn until I know how to do it.
I'm hoping someone outside the situation might have some insight.
You are being played and he's lying to you. HE's the one with the problem and he really doesn't want a great sex life. He's blameshifting to avoid taking responsibility or ownership of what's obviously HIS problem.
Your SO seems to be the one with the problem.
He`s deflecting it onto you which is known as "crazy-making" because it messes with your head to the point you actually start to believe he`s right.
"Doesn`t want the deer hunting him"?
WTF is that?
That`s code for I`m just not into you sexually.
You need to define and defend some boundaries for the sexual aspect of your relationship.
One more thing ever heard the expression actions speak louder than words? It applies BIG TIME in your situation. Don't look to what he says look to what he DOES.
Janelle,
He is absolutely lying through his teeth.
Male sexual desire (we are different than women in this way) 101: For a MAN, desire for sex is similar to desire for food. It steadily "grows" when we are with someone we DESIRE.
There is zero chance a healthy male would go 3 weeks without initiating if he was with someone he was attracted to.
I am not saying you aren't attractive. Not saying that at all. Just saying HE isn't attracted to you, and maybe he isn't attracted to women.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Janelle_
I've read though a lot of posts on here and feel slightly better that I'm not the only one with a problem, however my situation is a bit unique. I'm hoping to get some good advice from other men who can maybe help me understand what hes trying to tell me. I know that at times I do not understand what hes saying because I'm so emotionally invested that my mind twists the meaning, so I thought it was worth a shot.
As it stands, he and I have sex about once every couple of months. It has always been this way, ever since the beggining of the relationship five years ago, it started off long distance so it wasn't such a huge issue but the last two years have been live in and nothing has changed, if anything its gotten worse. We have talked about the problem many, many times and to be honest I'm getting tired of it, I just don't know how many more times we can just keep talking about the same things. He says he wants a better sex life, complains that he wants a hot sex life and so do I. You'd think that would make it easy but every time I try to initiate at all, even just touch his thiegh, he tells me to relax, that I'm being too agressive and that he doesn't want the deer hunting him. Its a total turn off for him. That being said, I don't feel like he chases me at all, I think at this point he sees it as a chore and doesn't want the hastle. Usually what happens is after 3 weeks or so of nothing but cuddling I'll reach out to him and get totally shot down because everything I try is wrong, wich of course causes emotional hurt and so on and so forth. Today when we woke up he says he wants to go with me to find an escourt service or someone else he can pay to teach me how to be sexy, have me take classes and such. I feel like I'm doing everything he asks me to do, but if I just let it go and do nothing, not even mention it for weeks at a time he just doesn't take the initiative.
Funilly enough, other than the intimacy, we have a perfect relationship, he treats me like a queen and I spoil him rotten. He tells me all the time that he loves me more than hes ever loved anyone and that he'll love me no matter what, that he just wants to fix the problem because right now apparently the only one who would sleep with me is some over sexed teen who would just be grateful to get laid. We are very good together, we cuddle and love on eachother all the time, more than any couple I've seen. I'm sure part of the problem is that I've been with him since I was 17 and have never been with anyone else, and since we never had a real sex life I guess you could call me pretty inexperienced still, so by now I'm just completely lost. With him being 12 years older he wants someone with more finess but I feel thats unfair as I've never had the chance to learn but apparently I don't get the chance to learn until I know how to do it.
I'm hoping someone outside the situation might have some insight.
He should be the one showing you what he wants. He needs to be taught how to be sexy. His put downs are emotional abuse. Sex therapy and MC might be helpful to the two of you. The idea of an escort teaching you what to do sounds kind of deviant to me, like he wants to wrangle you into some fantasy scenario. Posted via Mobile Device
I understand at this point that hes not into me sexually, I've accepted that. Hell, hes told me that himself, he says my attitude is wrong and the way I go about things is all wrong. The fact that he wants me to go take sexy classes pretty much spells that out. I honestly believe he wants a good sex life with me, that he loves me but that I just don't do it for him. Like I said, he says its an attitude thing, not the way I look. I'm seriously considering the classes
and Mem, I know hes not gay, trust me. He acts as sexually frustrated about the whole situation as I am, disapointed in me I think. Most of the time he initiates the conversation. He WANTS this situation to get better. He says I just don't know how to play coy or any of that that would make him want to chase me.
This isn't about classes. This is a bigger problem. Ever seen a house that has a little sag in the corner? The corner sag is the visible evidence of a much larger problem.
It is impossible for this group to really help you. Many of the conclusions posted are silly. There is a problem and both you and your husband have acknowledged it.
Now, how to fix it? Your husband is trying to get you to own the problem - but it isn't all yours. Your problem is your willingness to accept the blame. Since you can't change your husband, how about focusing on yourself. I would consider individual counseling. I am pretty confident you will have plenty to work on.
Once you start working on yourself, your husband will have to make some decisions about how hard he is willing to look at his side of this issue.
This process will likely stink at times, but you will be grateful and a lot happier once you get thru it.
please don't bash, I'm not that naive and I know hes trying to, there are two sides to every coin and I'm sure if he were writing this you'd see everything from his point of view and be telling him I didn't want to change and I'm a cold fish and to move on and so forth. And Tacoma, he says that I don't know how to play coy at all, that my eyes are always desperate or like a dear in headlights. In some ways hes probobly right, sex is almost scary to me not because of the sex but because I'm tired of not having it and I don't want to step wrong and blow it, hes probobly picking up on that
I'm looking into therapy now Former, we just live in the middle of no where and theres not much avaliable. Here, everyone knows everyone and everything and I'm just not comfortable getting that deep with someone who has been going to my family's bbq's since I was in diapers.
I'm looking into therapy now Former, we just live in the middle of no where and theres not much avaliable. Here, everyone knows everyone and everything and I'm just not comfortable getting that deep with someone who has been going to my family's bbq's since I was in diapers.
Disregard the bashing. You sound like you are willing to take responsibility and are trying to be reasonable.
How far is the nearest big city? I would find a therapist and go there. Once you establish a relationship, many therapists will do phone sessions with in-persons as necessary.
My marriage is the same in that it is sexless and we both like sex. One wants sex with the spouse and the other doesn't, preferring to have sex with people outside the marriage instead. In my experience if you want to stay together in this situation both people have to reign in their desires and learn to live without sex.
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Sexless Relationship, but both of us want sex 
