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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Just want some touch

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: When does your wife touch you below the belt?
Never 6 21.43%
1-2 times month 4 14.29%
3-6 times month 1 3.57%
6 x or more a month 11 39.29%
Only during sex 6 21.43%
Voters: 28. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 03-26-2012, 12:04 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

Tallaverageguy had success with this:

One thing I forgot to add is that what you withdraw on needs to be one of her love languages. My wife needs those words of affirmation, so when I pulled back on that, it made a difference to her. She could care less about gifts, so had I quit sending her flowers, she would not have felt it nearly as much.

Hopefully he will make comments on this thread.
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:29 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway View Post
I wonder how many people have success with it.
I was successful both times I used some of the 180 tailored to my situation. One time I was out the door for real and was done by accident. The other was started by accident but then carefully planned to give the appearance to change the dynamic. Both times it was a 2-3 month turn around from horrible to a positive direction. Part of its success is probably due to human nature of not wanting to lose what you have to someone else (even if you don't really want it). It's kind of an adult relationship equivalent to reverse psychology. I think it helps both spouses re-evaluate where they are, what they mean to each other and where the "180" is taking them. For my current relationship, it's different. I think my wife and I have come to a real understanding and middle ground, unlike where I settled for the same BS for 3 more years with the first one. I knew I married a better one the second time ;-)

Can't say it works for everyone or every relationship. If you give your spouse a more attractive person to be with, change the dynamic of the relationship, appear to be preparing to leave them in the rear view mirror, it's going to cause a knee-jerk in your spouse. What happens from that point will be up to you. It's kind of like playing with fireworks. When done safely, it can help remove the comfort the other person feels with the current situation you find unbearable. But with fireworks, there's always a chance it's going to blow up in your face. There is a chance you decide the other person isn't worth it and leave. There's a chance they could care less and they leave you.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:22 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway View Post
I'm really happy for you, phantomfan. When you first started posting, you were pretty unhappy, and it is so great to read that things are turning around for you.

Hopefully the OP can turn his situation around too.
Thanks! Me too. I hope the OP finds what he needs. Everyone deserves to be happy
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:27 PM   #34 (permalink)
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This is true, but he has to try something to get through to his wife. The point of books and videos is to let her know that she is hurting her marriage with her cold attitude toward sex. If he just throws up his hands and says that she will never change, he will not solve his problem.
Yes, but obviously this isn't the way.

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Originally Posted by discouraged1 View Post
Have tried those things but she really won't read anything and if it had nudity in it she will think it's porn.
I am her first partner.
All he is achieving by doing this is to burn a hole in his pocket buying stuff that is never going to see the light of day, whilst reinforcing her view that he (and most other people) are perverts and deviants.

I suggest one of two things:

Marriage counselling;

Spending the money you spent on books / videos / sexy gifts on a hobby for you and you alone. If she complains, point out that spending the money on trying to have a better sex life with your wife was a waste of money too, but at least this way one of you enjoys it.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:32 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Yes, but obviously this isn't the way.



All he is achieving by doing this is to burn a hole in his pocket buying stuff that is never going to see the light of day, whilst reinforcing her view that he (and most other people) are perverts and deviants.

I suggest one of two things:

Marriage counselling;

Spending the money you spent on books / videos / sexy gifts on a hobby for you and you alone. If she complains, point out that spending the money on trying to have a better sex life with your wife was a waste of money too, but at least this way one of you enjoys it.
Different approaches work for different people. Catherine, Enchantment, SA, and I have learned from reading books. You don't know what will click with his wife.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:41 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lovesherman View Post
Different approaches work for different people. Catherine, Enchantment, SA, and I have learned from reading books. You don't know what will click with his wife.
By the sound of things, he's got enough books to start a library. If she refuses point blank to read them, all they're achieving is cluttering up his house and being a fire hazard.

The OP has told us in as many words that his wife will not under any circumstances read books like this. Unless she manages to absorb the contents of the books through the air by osmosis or magic, how is she going to get any benefit from them?

For the OP, books are a dead end. So I suggested something different.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:35 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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Originally Posted by lovesherman View Post
Have you tried cooling down the temperature in your relationship? If you tell her often that you love her, stop doing that. If you do more than your share around the house, get a hobby and spend time with friends. Don't be a jerk, but withdraw things that she likes to get her attention that something is very wrong in your marriage. You need to take action to get the message across to her.
I have tried heating up and cooling down in many different ways. It's always the same ole same ole... she is as cold as ice.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:40 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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Originally Posted by discouraged1 View Post
I have tried heating up and cooling down in many different ways. It's always the same ole same ole... she is as cold as ice.
She'll start heating up somewhere when you say you have had enough and you are ready to exit the marraige or take a lover. Yep...that's exacty what I would do, and I wouldn't have one apology for it either.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:50 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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I am one of those people who adore Dr Laura, I love her sarcastic cutting manner, I love to be challenged too, I enjoy listening to anything that pisses me off - so I can evaluate my own thinking. (not that she does, I usually agree with her , I loved her radio show).. I know she is the type >> you either love her or hate her.

I did wake up to smell the roses myself... but I was never low drive, just repressed & uneducated.




Here is one such video -- if she is open & willing to explore with you- though it doesn't sound like it. (I am so sorry!) Better Sex Video Series: Sexplorations

A nice list here also : Loving Sex Instructional DVDs for Couples




I feel really bad for your situation, this is just not right... these things have a way of sucking the joy out of our lives , sexual intimacy & feeling wanted by your lover is nothing short of "life giving". You have to love her very much... how many years married ? I can only imagine the resentment is building , near consuming ... as you said you are close to the breaking point & it is taking a huge mental /emotional toll on you.

I put this link on here earlier in another thread ... Why some women don't want sex It seems some just do not get turned on, proof is in the MRI scan.

Has your wife ever been the type to go GAGA over a hot movie star, a rock star... it seems many women who don't get excited by that stuff...is on the lower drive end too. I have noticed it a common theme .... so being "BOY CRAZY" in youth seems to be an indicater of a healtier sex drive. I guess it would make sense.

I feel this is ALWAYS an indicator of a lower drive woman. I have been masterbating since I was like 12 -I was so darn embarrassed by this, felt it was wrong -according to my beliefs -which set me up for so much guilt & shame...and repression...but I was like a guy, after so much time... I had to have it , or I'd probalby go nuts.

I have always been high drive I believe ...but even me... you wouldn't know it too well....since mentally I was hindered due to repression .. so it would seem to me... (given my own experience)... that if a woman was naturally low drive (no need to masterbate) combined with repressive beliefs/ prudish nature...this is a major hurdle to overcome.......that is a mindset near like "cement".

Unless you have a woman who is very open minded and cares to get into your psyche, and TRUST, even be moved by ... how devestatingly hurting this is to you... not needing to have a taste of it on her own , but caring enough for you to go out of her way to please you. Without this from her end.... I wouldn't see any hope.

SHe needs a desire to change, gain a sexual education, a motivation to change her mindset.

You said though...she orgasms when she is on top...are you sure ?? What does orgasms do for her? Has she ever expressed how wonderful they are ? I would think anyone who has experienced them --LOVES them and wants them on a regular basis !
Thanks for your suggestions and feedback. We have been married over 20 years... she has never been much of a gone GAGA over guys but does really love one rock star. Other than that.. nothing that I know of.
She is a very selfish person and can't take a compliment. I tell her she it hot and that I love to make her feel pleasure. She just blows me off like "sure".. she doesn't get it that I
"get off" by getting her off.
She does orgasm for sure... she has a tell tale sign. No she won't tell me if they are good, bad, or other wise. I assume that orgasms for women are generally good but she won't tell me.
I have also expressed how wonderful and BJ is (10x better than sex) for me.. she just won't do it. Been almost 2 years since I last had one.
I miss passionate kissing and foreplay which has not happened in years..
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:54 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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Originally Posted by lovesherman View Post
Guess I'm beating a dead horse here, but I have one more suggestion, Focus on the Family's Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs link:

Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family

It describes from a Christian perspective a husband's need for sex as a way to love his wife.
Great suggestion.. she may look at this if anything. I will try.
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:01 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway View Post
Speaking of help, has she ever talked to a pro about this problem? Something's not right in her head. I know, she doesn't think there's a problem. If you suggested counseling, would she agree to go or would she turn it around on you?

If I were in your shoes, I would tell her that wanting a normal sex life is not being an "addict", that you are not willing to stay in a sexless marriage and if you don't start seeing some enthusiastic effort on her part, you're gone.

I have racked my brain trying to think of what other options there are in a situation like this, and the only two I can think of are stay and endure in misery, or leave.

I'm surprised someone hasn't suggested pulling the sexual 180 on her. Seems to work for some.
Unfortunately there is no problem so she does not need to see a counselor. I think I am stuck with a cold, insensitive, unloving and selfish person.
I have done a 180 on her before with little affect. I may have to do a 180 with the intent to bail if she won't change.
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:08 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Discouraged1:
Man, I don't know what to say except that I feel badly for you. No one should have to deal with a spouse who is unwilling to try something new.

From what you said about you being her first partner and her not masturbating at all, it sounds like your wife may have been raised in a strict religious setting. Maybe the two of you are churchgoers now. If that is the case, there are any number of general therapists who deal with issues from a religious viewpoint. Perhaps if you ask your wife to go with you to see one of these marriage counselors, you can get to the bottom of her frigidness without her feeling attacked, and she can get a better idea of what a healthy sex life for a married couple is.

And I'm going to mention one last thing, then I'm out of bullets. If you have an iPad, there is an app called "Bliss: Games for Loving." It's set up like Monopoly, but it's really a collection of exercises intended to slowly escalate the sense of eroticism between the two of you, from conversations about your expectations from sex and romance to simple role-play to taking pictures of each other and more intense activities.

But here's why I think it might just appeal to her wife: First, the whole app is extremely tasteful in it's language, and I personally feel that it was written by a Christian for people like your wife who are having difficulty letting go of old ideas that were drilled into their heads as teenagers. The second is that before you play your first game, you fill out a detailed profile of what is okay and what is over the line, so she'll have control of exactly what she's willing to do.
Dr. Thanks but no go on the counselling.. we have tried games, books, toys, etc. but it never gets used or is very short lived.
She would be seriously pissed if I even mentioned taking her picture or video.. she won't even respond to simple text messages.
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:19 PM   #43 (permalink)
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I used to grope him ALL the time before D day. I like touching him and I miss it.
If I got groped by a woman I would probably drop a load right there. Got wood just by walking through the store the other day. New pair of short rubbing me in a way I was not used to.. Ha!
Come to think of it I might just blow a load by some french kissing.. can't remember the last time that happened.
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Old 03-27-2012, 06:49 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just want some touch

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discouraged1 said : If I got groped by a woman I would probably drop a load right there. Got wood just by walking through the store the other day. New pair of short rubbing me in a way I was not used to.. Ha!
Come to think of it I might just blow a load by some french kissing.. can't remember the last time that happened
Discouraged, stories like yours anger me... they are very hard to read, I want to lash out at your wife. To live a life without passion & enthusiam, never feeling wanted, devoid of touch - with the woman who vowed to love, cherish & take care of you, I can't see how this doesn't affect every moment of every day.... I would be a walking basketcase crying every day, and pissed off at the world. It would drain the life out of me.

How you overcome something like this, when you are a sexual being... how do you do that ?? How you lasted this many years, I can't even go there in my mind.

I feel for you Discouraged1
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:17 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Dr. Thanks but no go on the counselling.. we have tried games, books, toys, etc. but it never gets used or is very short lived.
She would be seriously pissed if I even mentioned taking her picture or video.. she won't even respond to simple text messages.
Hi discouraged ~

Even if she won't go to counselling, consider getting yourself into IC so you can get some support and work through the process of what the best way to move forward is.

Best wishes.
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