My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-28-2012, 10:02 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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So, your wife has told you that her ex didn't treat her that well, yet she chased him. You treat her well, and she shows no interest in you. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your wife isn't sexually aroused by being treated well. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving.

So stop asking for sex like an awkward teenager. Start ignoring your wife. Not just at bed time. She would love that. All the time. Run the 180 on her (change your behaviors 180 degrees). Be polite, but uninterested in her. Start detaching.

Start emulating her ex. If my wife told me that there was something about quality X that really turned her on, I would start showing her quality X immediately.

Maybe she will notice and put forth some effort in the bedroom. If not, you'll be better prepared for divorce.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180
While I see the wisdom in this, I just don't see the point. The OP has to essentially live an act for the rest of his life to get his wife to find him sexually arousing.

That's pretty depressing to be honest.
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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-28-2012, 10:14 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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While I see the wisdom in this, I just don't see the point. The OP has to essentially live an act for the rest of his life to get his wife to find him sexually arousing.

That's pretty depressing to be honest.
I don't think the point here is for him to adopt a whole new lifestyle. I think it's so they can restore the balance to the situation, and get his wife into a headspace where she actively desires him instead of being totally dismissive to his wants.
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-28-2012, 10:19 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I tried 180ing my husband and he was perfectly content to be ignored and left alone. We went from having sex maybe once a month to maybe once a year. I hope it works for you though.
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-28-2012, 10:56 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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While I see the wisdom in this, I just don't see the point. The OP has to essentially live an act for the rest of his life to get his wife to find him sexually arousing.

That's pretty depressing to be honest.
Welcome to life. Sometimes, it's depressing. Although, I don't necessarily find it depressing to give someone what they want in exchange for them giving you what you want. That's just normal social interaction.

You may say that you find it depressing to be forced to smile and politely interact with other people when you leave your house. But that's the way you get them to be polite back to you. If you ignore people, they will ignore you. If you scream at people, they won't be polite to you.

The OP's wife has basically told him that he is too available. She has communicated that she doesn't find that attractive, and thus isn't interested in sex with him. Now, he could choose to ignore this information and hope she has a spontaneous change of heart. Or, he could just say that giving his wife what she asks for is too depressing. Or, he could just give her what she wants and be happy.

I'm a pretty practical guy, so I'll choose being happy most days over being justifiably indignant, or understandably depressed.
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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-15-2012, 08:11 AM
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Angry Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I can understand how you feel. I'm in the same situation. My wife was extremely intimate before and then we got married a few years back. SHe has a child from a previous 1 night stand, but that was before we got serious. She alwys said that when I walk around the bedroom in underwear it turns her on. I am extremely romantic and love spoiling my partner. Her birthdays and Christmas she always gets expensive presents. Since we moved to the UK 2 years ago, she doesnt work and doesnt need to as I earn a good salary.

For over a year, I have to pull the first moves. Just before that we would suprise me and take my pants off etc., but now nothing. I alwyas hold her romatically in the kitchen etc and pass jokes and hints, but she NEVER returns the favour. When I do pass the move, she is always pleased and mostly climaxes twice. What confuses me is even when I do the first move and during Oral, she hardly touched me, bet she doesnt act like she doesnt want to though.

At the moment I am lost and feeling unwanted never mind used as I think what am I here for then.

I'm also going to start to back off. Unfortunately that effects me as I'm extremely romantic.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 06:52 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Well, when you roll over in your sleep and go to hug her and she says repeatedly "stop it" enough to wake you up... Let me know what you do. I know I've never felt so unwanted. I have always done the cooking, cleaning, etc. as I work shift work so that excuse is bunkum! I've never cheated, or even come close.
It's amazing how someone you fell in love with can become so foreign. I'd get turned on just watching her get ready for a shower. I've been turned away and ignored for so long now that I don't even bother to look. Tonight's episode may be the straw that breaks this camel's back. I don't know how much of this I can put up with.
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 01:41 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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Originally Posted by PHTlump View Post
So, your wife has told you that her ex didn't treat her that well, yet she chased him. You treat her well, and she shows no interest in you. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your wife isn't sexually aroused by being treated well. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving.
Yup. Or, she really did not like him either but had sex with him because he would not tolerate her if she did not. That makes you the safe person whom she feels she can ignore.

Either way, you're not getting the sex you need. If you get some more edge to you, you may indeed get more sex. The question is would she really find you more attractive if you acted different, or would she just do it out of obligation and "damage control"?

Let's say if you choose not to emulate her ex. Rather than approach it as you are now, what if you just put your foot down and insisted your needs matter for the marriage to survive? I also don't think you should have to emulate someone else to get your needs met. Consider also that since she divorced him, things must not have worked out on some level.

Also consider that you don't really know what happened during their marriage. Potentially, all you have is a bitter, resentful ex-wife saying "I knocked his socks off and he still left. He's an a-hole and I'm not doing that again".

Last edited by DTO; 12-02-2012 at 02:11 PM.
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 01:52 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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While I see the wisdom in this, I just don't see the point. The OP has to essentially live an act for the rest of his life to get his wife to find him sexually arousing.

That's pretty depressing to be honest.
He doesn't have to live an act for the rest of his life.

He has to learn how to act for the rest of his life.
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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 03:07 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Don't feel like you're alone in this one. My wife doesn't even know how to try and turn me on. You would think that she would want to just because she knows she has the power to do it. But, nothing, .... Sex is maybe once every 2 weeks, when the stars and moon are aligned on a certain angle and only if that's after 10 on a Friday night. If you have any frozen goods that you need kept cold, give them to my wife and they'll be kept frozen.
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 03:13 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Anyway, it's a little frustrating to know that she doesn't have any sex drive at all. It sounds very similar to your issue as well. I would actually pay my wife to go and slip on just one of my button down shirts without any clothes on and invite me to the bedroom. That would be awesome. The odd thing is, why doesn't she want to light the fire, so to speak. And please, don't give me the "have you met her needs bit." I've tried on occasion and nothing changes. It's very hard to understand and it gets even worse when I see other women on here and say, " I like to do it for my man because I know he likes it". So , why doesn't my wife think like that. ........
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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-03-2012, 07:49 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Old thread, guys.
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-04-2013, 11:22 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Well in my experience, and I'm sure in a lot of other men's experience what you need to do IS step back a little bit, and also do things with the kids make more of an effort to be best friends with them, take them to see baseball games or take them to see movies more often, kids love that, go on road trips just for the fun of it kids also love that believe it or not take them somewhere they have never been before, also do more around the house/apartment, to help out take some if not most of the stress away from your wife so that she has more time to focus on herself and believe me women love sex just as much as men, and they have needs too and maybe just maybe those needs are the stress like the kids and the house/apartment cleaning and those are avenues to her sex drive once she see's how much of an effort you are putting forth to help her out, also do you work most of the time? if you do I would suggest spend some time with the kids and her after or before you are done/leave for work, and as for the ignore your wife suggestions that only works in the movies, think about it if you did everything you see in movies either you would be rich or you would be locked up behind bars, only some women react to the ignore factor, believe me women like to believe that they are superior to men when it comes to their attitude so that means they like to try and wear the "pants" in the family, but if you do all of this that I mentioned she will notice and she will be turned on more.

P.S my wife told me that she finds me more attractive when I do more around the house and with our kid not that I don't already and that shes more turned on by me, that's the key you need to turn her on in different ways other then trying to initiate sex
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-04-2013, 11:26 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

also your a guy so you know how easy it is for us to be turned on, women need to to so little to turn us on and yet we need to do so much to turn them on, so we do the hard work, and the hard work pay's off
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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-04-2013, 11:30 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I see zombies
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-04-2013, 02:22 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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I just joined this forum hoping to find some answers tips or anything that could help. I am 30 yrs old my wife is 33. We have 3 children total she has 2 from previous I have 1. Our marriage has been tough since day 1 her children are very hard to deal with. This I understand though there teens and I am a step dad.

The problem lies within our sex life which is disappointing to me to say the least. I have an extremely high sex drive. I wish to have sex daily and my wife doesnt seem to have the same desire. I am constantly the one asking or trying to be intimate with my wife . Often I am turned down or told later which never comes. I have told my wife it seems a thousand times how important sex is to me and me being happy in this marriage. Still no change. SHe in 2 years has never initiated sex not one time. Not suprise bj no lingerie no nothing! I pride my self on my fitness so she cant say she isnt attracted to me I am hit on daily by all types of woman. I just want my wife to want me!

She doesnt get how simple we men are. I have tried all avenues to explain to her that I am done I cant handle any more neglect. She isnt stupid and has to understand I have laid it out there so many times. Ive decided she doesnt care. This is even tougher when I know her past and past sexual experiences. Ive asked her to do many things to spice up our sex with toys etc I like to take pics that turns me on but nothing from her just excuses and complaints... She did all sorts of things for her pos ex and I get nothing and I married her. I truly get enraged when I am rejected. Last night she said ill wear my lingerie tonight something she has never worn for me but bought after year of me asking her to. Come bed time nothing she climbed into bed in pj and fell asleep like always. I am pissed and done. I have considered an affair but figure why? Just leave if im not happy. Im young still and good looking I deserve better. What should I do She will likely never change at this point? Does she care? All people that have this issue or any other sexual one seem to end in divorce or cheating. I understand why now> Men are simple and so are our needs. I just need to feel she wants me sometimes and she wont do it. Despite being very sexual in her past relationships she told me that her ex never gave her enough and told me the things she did to try to excite him... I get nothing! Im at the end of my patience what should I do???????

As your wife, she should be taking care of your needs, and in this situation its your high sex drive. She knows this, you've had talks with her about it and she doesn't change or do anything. She is being selfish and not taking care of you out of love.

Sounds like she is a dud and short of divorce papers, nothing will get her to change and be worthy of being in a relationship with you. Put up with her BS or divorce her and find a real woman that has a healthy sex drive and loves taking care of your needs. Many out there.

What you've described sounds like my wifee for the last 13+ years of marriage bliss but we don't have kids yet.

She gave her all for her first hubby and now you are the second one and the effort isn't there anymore. Plus having 3 kids will drain and kill her sex drive, and meds might be required.

If women like yours can't get it through their heads that us men need sex regularly and adventurous, etc., they deserve the consequences, which unfortunately is cheating, affairs and divorce.

When you get married, you are not your own anymore and are to take care of your other halves needs or just stay single.

I feel for yah.

Whether I do little to no chores or the majority of the chores, this doesn't increase my wife's sex drive. She just doesn't have to do chores when she gets home from work later than I do.

I've pretty much ignored my wifee and there is no sex for 1 - 1.5 months. She gets really upset and then forces us to have sex. Not the kind of love and sex I need.

Last edited by CuddleBug; 07-04-2013 at 02:29 PM.
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