My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-05-2013, 11:59 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

You guys are describing classic passive agressive behavior. Once I figured out my wife was PA, and why I was atracted to her precisely because of it, our marriage did a 180 back to the lusty pre marriage days. Your wives are simply repeating learned behaviors from their childhood, and we men who stay with them generally have codependency issues. If you think your spouse is driving you crazy, you are right. One big mistake is to tell a PA what you like. You'll never get it again.
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post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-05-2013, 12:15 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-05-2013, 01:11 PM
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My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Zombie thread and bad advice all in one. Congratulations.
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post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-27-2015, 09:12 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I'm in the same boat as you. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty much done trying to touch her. A man can only do so much before he says "forget it"
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post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-28-2015, 07:09 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Originally Posted by musicman1970 View Post
I'm in the same boat as you. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty much done trying to touch her. A man can only do so much before he says "forget it"
Double zombie thread! 2012, 2013 and now 2015. Impressive!

In any case, this topic is repeated numerous times here on TAM, and in between the "she's cheating on you" and the "she's just not into you" replies, there's one solid piece of advice that fits:

Quit making a big deal out of it with your spouse. Whatever the reason for the lack of sex to creep into the marriage, putting all the pressure on ones spouse makes it worse.

Whether one likes to hear it or not, 9 x out of 10, it's a "you" issue (even if you don't think it is). People generally don't want to have sex with somebody they're not attracted to, and attraction can be fleeting, and it can come and go. What somebody found attractive about you 5 years ago, could be boring to them now, or they could simply take it for granted.

As well, being with the same person for x-number of years (and only them) and/or always having the same sex, same positions, initiating the same way, on the same days, etc. leaves little room for excitement.

My wife and I try to mix it up as much as possible (and I still have some work to do with this). When we were first together, she had never had sex with someone the way she had sex with me - in other words, she was used to not having much attention paid to her, and otherwise relatively quick sex (especially with her ex, I learned). For the previous 4 years of her life before me, she was lucky if she had even one orgasm during sex, and it was always more or less the same every time.

With me, right off the bat, I paid attention to her, did new things, took my time, and ensured she enjoyed herself, too.

Then 4 or so years into our relationship, I found myself in the same boat as the original OP, as well as you, and wondered why. It took some time and some communication, but generally speaking - same problem, it's always the "same". And as crazy as I thought she was at that point (I mean come on, I was making sure she had multiple O's, I paid lots of attention to her, I was doing the things she liked, etc.) - it WAS always the same.

So we figured that out, and now we mix it up a little bit, but I do still have trouble just banging away sometimes (which is what she actually wants from time to time. Go figure.) I've learned to read her, and I'm usually successful at determining if she wants a longer session or something shorter, if she's good with one O, or in the mood for several, etc etc etc. But my issue was that I wasn't doing that for years, and I just assumed she always wanted like 4 or 5 O's and this or that.

So no matter how good the sex is, theoretically, people don't always want it that way. My ego got in the way, as I thought I was freakin' awesome in bed and she'd want it that way every single time until we're too old to have sex any more.

And believe me, this scenario is worse if your partner isn't even satisfied with what you're doing (been there, done that - ex wife).

So what I've learned is that people want variety. We all do. As most of us take our marriage vows seriously and don't go and get variety elsewhere, it's up to both parties to "mix it up" a little, imo. If you're lucky enough to be physically sexually compatible with your spouse, you can stretch it out much longer than if you're not, but you usually end up at the same regardless, if you don't incorporate some variety into your sex life.

And the same goes for your marriage, too, outside of the sex. It's perilously easy to get into the mindset of "you again?" If it's the same old, same old, day in and day out, it's not difficult to lose interest in one's partner. I am currently viewing my wife that way, as she's on quite the schedule these days. She and I haven't had any time to ourselves in a few months, and her schedule is the same every day. But it'll change, and we'll get out of this rut. Ironically enough, it's made me not be as interested in her sexually lately. Not her fault, it is what it is, but we'll get out of it.

Also, to make a long thread even longer, the worst thing one can possibly do when the sex has slowed to a trickle is to complain about it and put all the pressure on the one spouse. I learned this the hard way, too. You want to be making yourself more attractive to him/her, not less. And by whining, getting angry or frustrated, or otherwise putting it all on them, that's exactly what you're doing.

It's all the little things outside of the bedroom that will get you some action IN the bedroom. When you meet someone and start dating, you show the best side of yourself and make all kinds of efforts to be attractive. People often lose sight of this once a relationship gets serious, and especially after marriage. But marriage still requires one to maintain the attractiveness - from both sides. So in this case, and most of these cases, the one person has lost site of this and no longer feels like they have to put forth quite the same effort as they did in the courtship phase.

I did this with sex. I was so good at it with my wife, that I thought all I had to do was maintain that level for our entire marriage, and I was good to go. She'd want it all the time, and how could she not? With her, it became an ego thing for me - something I knew I was good at - so I don't have to change it up, ever. (and trust me, my wife is the only woman I've been able to fully satisfy in bed like this, so it's not like I think I'm a super stud or anything.) And here's the really ironic thing about our "issue" - my wife did not WANT all the attention paid to her after a while. Although she physically enjoyed it (and still does), from time to time she wants me to just take her, bang away, and enjoy MYself, rather than spend so much time worrying about HER pleasure. And I actually get that mindset. From time to time, I wouldn't mind my wife just jumping on me, riding away and having a good, hard orgasm without all the other stuff.

The trick is, obviously, to not do that every single time. Just as she didn't appreciate the old "jackhammer" every. single. time. from her ex, she also doesn't want the complete opposite every. single. time. from me. Go figure, right? But you know what? I wouldn't want that, either. My wife is very good at pleasing me, but she doesn't always do the same thing. No matter how good she is at oral, I probably wouldn't want it every single time as foreplay, either. You'd get to a point where sex is basically scripted, and both people know what's coming next. And that's more or less how she felt. She knew what to expect. No matter how good it actually felt, it gets into your head after a while. "Oh, he's going to do this now, followed by that, and then the other thing." Wash, rinse, repeat.

In the last year or so, some of the best sex she's enjoyed has been quickies, or me skipping a step or two, or just getting right to the point. Psychologically, this seems to have done wonders for her, and I suspect it actually makes her feel more wanted and desirable by me.

Last edited by alexm; 09-28-2015 at 07:28 AM.
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post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 06:53 PM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Originally Posted by crossbar View Post
Don't expect a solution to your problem. I'm in the same boat as you. The wife never starts anything, although she does give it up most of the time when I make the first move, but she never starts it or makes the first move....EVER.

I started a thread just like you and all I got was a bunch of women essentially telling me to shut the hell up and be thankful that I'm getting any at all.

Good luck!
Yup - same thing here.
I love my wife but she just doesn't seem to ever want to initiate anything and most of the time when I try to get something going she just isn't interested.
I have to admit she has been known to initiate something - but that only happens maybe once every 2 years. We might have sex twice one week and then nothing for 3 months. It's been like that for the last 20 years.
She's put up with some crap from me over the years - so I know she loves me. She just is almost never interested. She swears she enjoys it, but in her case actions shout louder than words. I've commented on it many times and she gets a little defensive.

I've mostly given up and decided to just enjoy the many other things we do together. I guess that I should be glad that I'm now on some medicine that has a known side effect to significantly decrease male libido.
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post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:40 AM
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Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Originally Posted by dblj22rsvl View Post
I just joined this forum hoping to find some answers tips or anything that could help. I am 30 yrs old my wife is 33. We have 3 children total she has 2 from previous I have 1. Our marriage has been tough since day 1 her children are very hard to deal with. This I understand though there teens and I am a step dad.

The problem lies within our sex life which is disappointing to me to say the least. I have an extremely high sex drive. I wish to have sex daily and my wife doesnt seem to have the same desire. I am constantly the one asking or trying to be intimate with my wife . Often I am turned down or told later which never comes. I have told my wife it seems a thousand times how important sex is to me and me being happy in this marriage. Still no change. SHe in 2 years has never initiated sex not one time. Not suprise bj no lingerie no nothing! I pride my self on my fitness so she cant say she isnt attracted to me I am hit on daily by all types of woman. I just want my wife to want me!

She doesnt get how simple we men are. I have tried all avenues to explain to her that I am done I cant handle any more neglect. She isnt stupid and has to understand I have laid it out there so many times. Ive decided she doesnt care. This is even tougher when I know her past and past sexual experiences. Ive asked her to do many things to spice up our sex with toys etc I like to take pics that turns me on but nothing from her just excuses and complaints... She did all sorts of things for her pos ex and I get nothing and I married her. I truly get enraged when I am rejected. Last night she said ill wear my lingerie tonight something she has never worn for me but bought after year of me asking her to. Come bed time nothing she climbed into bed in pj and fell asleep like always. I am pissed and done. I have considered an affair but figure why? Just leave if im not happy. Im young still and good looking I deserve better. What should I do She will likely never change at this point? Does she care? All people that have this issue or any other sexual one seem to end in divorce or cheating. I understand why now> Men are simple and so are our needs. I just need to feel she wants me sometimes and she wont do it. Despite being very sexual in her past relationships she told me that her ex never gave her enough and told me the things she did to try to excite him... I get nothing! Im at the end of my patience what should I do???????
leave her because she is getting it somewhere else. she is giving you dignity so you dont taste the other man.
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