My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-26-2012, 11:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I just joined this forum hoping to find some answers tips or anything that could help. I am 30 yrs old my wife is 33. We have 3 children total she has 2 from previous I have 1. Our marriage has been tough since day 1 her children are very hard to deal with. This I understand though there teens and I am a step dad.

The problem lies within our sex life which is disappointing to me to say the least. I have an extremely high sex drive. I wish to have sex daily and my wife doesnt seem to have the same desire. I am constantly the one asking or trying to be intimate with my wife . Often I am turned down or told later which never comes. I have told my wife it seems a thousand times how important sex is to me and me being happy in this marriage. Still no change. SHe in 2 years has never initiated sex not one time. Not suprise bj no lingerie no nothing! I pride my self on my fitness so she cant say she isnt attracted to me I am hit on daily by all types of woman. I just want my wife to want me!

She doesnt get how simple we men are. I have tried all avenues to explain to her that I am done I cant handle any more neglect. She isnt stupid and has to understand I have laid it out there so many times. Ive decided she doesnt care. This is even tougher when I know her past and past sexual experiences. Ive asked her to do many things to spice up our sex with toys etc I like to take pics that turns me on but nothing from her just excuses and complaints... She did all sorts of things for her pos ex and I get nothing and I married her. I truly get enraged when I am rejected. Last night she said ill wear my lingerie tonight something she has never worn for me but bought after year of me asking her to. Come bed time nothing she climbed into bed in pj and fell asleep like always. I am pissed and done. I have considered an affair but figure why? Just leave if im not happy. Im young still and good looking I deserve better. What should I do She will likely never change at this point? Does she care? All people that have this issue or any other sexual one seem to end in divorce or cheating. I understand why now> Men are simple and so are our needs. I just need to feel she wants me sometimes and she wont do it. Despite being very sexual in her past relationships she told me that her ex never gave her enough and told me the things she did to try to excite him... I get nothing! Im at the end of my patience what should I do???????
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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I am constantly the one asking or trying to be intimate with my wife . ... She did all sorts of things for her pos ex and I get nothing and I married her. ... Despite being very sexual in her past relationships she told me that her ex never gave her enough and told me the things she did to try to excite him... I get nothing! Im at the end of my patience what should I do???????
So, your wife has told you that her ex didn't treat her that well, yet she chased him. You treat her well, and she shows no interest in you. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your wife isn't sexually aroused by being treated well. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving.

So stop asking for sex like an awkward teenager. Start ignoring your wife. Not just at bed time. She would love that. All the time. Run the 180 on her (change your behaviors 180 degrees). Be polite, but uninterested in her. Start detaching.

Start emulating her ex. If my wife told me that there was something about quality X that really turned her on, I would start showing her quality X immediately.

Maybe she will notice and put forth some effort in the bedroom. If not, you'll be better prepared for divorce.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Last edited by PHTlump; 03-26-2012 at 01:11 PM.
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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So, your wife has told you that her ex didn't treat her that well, yet she chased him. You treat her well, and she shows no interest in you. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your wife isn't sexually aroused by being treated well. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving.

So stop asking for sex like an awkward teenager. Start ignoring your wife. Not just at bed time. She would love that. All the time. Run the 180 on her (change your behaviors 180 degrees). Be polite, but interested in her. Start detaching.

Start emulating her ex. If my wife told me that there was something about quality X that really turned her on, I would start showing her quality X immediately.

Maybe she will notice and put forth some effort in the bedroom. If not, you'll be better prepared for divorce.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180


Time to Alpha up my man
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

man up, start acting tough, do your own thing, go out with the guys etc. Either she will notice and start doing a few things to keep you around or she will get pissed/not care and it is time to move on. Either way i think you have little to loose
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Common problem, complex solutions.

As a woman, maybe give her time to initiate or start it. think of it this way... you have explained her a million times that you want to have sex daily. She KNOWS you are going to bust a move, she might even dread it somedays.

Back down, cool off a bit, spend some time on hobbies, go to the gym, do things that make you physically tired (find an alternative avenue for your daily stress) so that it's not so prominent in your life. find a bit of a balance between everyday and none.

Do you know what her sex drive is? It's not everyday, obviously, at her age, with kids that are a handful. (Teens in the house)
So what would you be happy with? Could you live with 2x a week or is this a 7x a week thing for you?
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Of course she doesn't initiate sex. She doesn't need to because she knows she can get it whenever she wants, no problem. There's a business theory that states that desire of a product decreases as availability for that product increases. Basically, the easier something is to get, the less desirable it becomes.

I don't generally like to advise stepping back, but I think in this case I agree with everyone else. Cool off your libido if you can and let her chase you. When we're saying you should emulate her ex, it doesn't mean you have to become a raging duochebag. It just means you should put yourself in a position where she has to pursue you for sex, because it clearly seems like that is what she wants.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

What were her views on all of this before marriage?
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The tides are turning....
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I see what your saying its just easier said than done when Ive had frustration so long. So basically reverse physcology on her is the recipe. Ill keep you posted im so glad I found this forum. Others are exteremely out dated and you get no responses thanx guys!
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Old 03-26-2012, 06:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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I agree with others about cooling things off.

But also, every husband does something, has something that turns their wife on. What ever that is, do more or wear it more often, but don't attack her. Build up her desire for you.

If her desire is strong enough, it will over come any fear she has and she will rip your clothes off.
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I wish that were true. My wife has never come close to anything resembling ripping my clothes off. Not even something in the same ballpark.

I agree with others though, give her some space. Pressure has never made my wife excited about anything.
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Old 03-26-2012, 06:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I agree with the other posts and think you should do one more thing.

Tell her exactly how you feel and what you intend to do, which is leave if the love life doesn't improve.
Then back up your words.
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Old 03-26-2012, 06:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

when your resentment gets the better of you you will leave.and then she will try.

some people are just takers until its to late.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

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Originally Posted by *Dean* View Post
When you were dating your wife or when you first got married, didn't you play around in the bedroom or apt.....clowning around trying to turn her on?

Summers are hot in Texas, I used to take off my dress shirt, still have my slacks and shoes on and get down to the music while cooking my wife dinner when we were dating. I later found out how much that turned her on. When I do that still to this day, when the mood is right, I get attacked.

Every woman has something they saw in their husband that turned them on. Just re find it and play it up
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Sorry don't want to ninja the thread, but to answer your question no she's never been that way. What gets her excited is me touching her. But no matter what I do (aside from touching her), say or look like she has never come close to that. I'm in decent shape now, and when we dated I was in great shape (6 foot, 195 lbs and could do 6 sets of 5 reps with 300+ lbs). I'm a decent looking guy (so I've been told), it's just never been that way with her.


So to get back to the OP, sorry but at least my case (and possibly for you), it may never happen.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

Don't expect a solution to your problem. I'm in the same boat as you. The wife never starts anything, although she does give it up most of the time when I make the first move, but she never starts it or makes the first move....EVER.

I started a thread just like you and all I got was a bunch of women essentially telling me to shut the hell up and be thankful that I'm getting any at all.

Good luck!
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

She isn't meeting your needs.

But are you meeting her needs? You don't talk about that. It's crucial that you meet her emotional needs before you can expect her to meet yours.
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:59 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please advise

I had a loss of sex drive in my early 30s due to hormone imbalance from taking birth control pills.

I just didn't care for sex and was in a "depressed" state.

Tell her how you feel and ask her to see a docor.
If she is taking hormonal birth control stop and switch to condoms for awhile.
Can't hurt to try.
Good luck
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