Browncoat

This is all a huge red flag for me. I think you may need to have her followed, or do it yourself. There's a lot that doesn't add up at all here.

Mishy

Hello Bottled Up,

We don't have a car, she went shopping taking the bus (there is a good public transport system where we live) and she stayed away for less than 2 hours. It takes at least 20-30 minutes to go to the mall and back with the bus. She actually bought a few clothes and she texted me while she was there. I don't think she would have time to meet with someone but anything is possible.

A few days ago I checked her mobile phone and it's clean.

At this point I think she may be attracted (emotional affair?) to someone at her workplace. I have no chance to check her finishing time because being a restaurant people finish to work when all the guest leave and then they have to clean up.


I tried to talk to her about seeing a doctor but she doesn't want to. She had troubles with sleep and I suggested to go to a sleep specialist/doctor/clinic for a check up or even just for a talk. But she refuses firmly.

Thing is that when things are good she says things like "you are stuck with me", "I love you forever", "I want to be with you forever".

Why would she turn to someone else instead of talking to me? Is she seeking approval trying "test" other men? This sounds like an immature (teenage) way of thinking to me.

I am sticking to be healty/looking good/exercize/doing things that I enjoy, but there is a lot going on in my mind right now. I don't know what to think and what to do.


Well, I will try to do that but it's not going to be easy. We don't have cars, people at the restaurant know me. I will find a way, maybe I will drop in at the restaurant one night and try to surprise her.


I am thinking to write a letter to her expressing my concerns/feelings/needs/etc. Maybe it's more effective than talking.

Do you think is a good idea?

mary35

This may not apply to your situation, but for some women, sex is often only appealing for the alluring process. Once the subject is caught, sex is no longer appealing and they move on to the next unsuspecting prospect. If this does apply to your situation, it will take some therapy to undo this kind of thinking process - and the sooner the better. One way to find out is to take away the ideal that you are caught and see what happens. Does she come running, when she thinks you may be on the lookout for others yourself - and then when secure - she stops the sex again?

This is sometimes referred to bait and switch. These women don't do it on purpose and often don't even know they do it. Its a warped thinking pattern about sex. Thus the need for therapy!

Browncoat

I've never had to have anyone followed, but right off the top of my head maybe ask a friend to follow her with a camera as a favor. A friend she doesn't recognize. Another option would be to hire someone, but that costs $$$.

You could try writing a letter, but if she were cheating kind of doubt she'd come clean... who knows. At this point though you don't know for sure, just some odd signs.

PHTlump

All people say that. The marriage vows include, "until death do us part." Many people don't mean it.

She could be pursuing a man for any number of reasons. Maybe flirting with other men strokes her ego, making her feel like she has many options. Perhaps she's dissatisfied with you.

If you were just talking about a lack of sex, absent the red flags, I would recommend sticking to self-improvement. But that's a slow process that will take months or years to come to fruition. Given the red flags in your marriage, you don't have that kind of time. So I recommend stepping up your surveillance on her computer and phone, and then confronting her. If you've been able to gather evidence of an affair, then hit her with that. If not, tell her the lack of intimacy is unacceptable. Tell her that you've noticed indicators of an affair and ask if she's having an affair. If she admits it, then deal with that. If she denies it, tell her that you will kick her out if you discover an affair. If she knows the consequences beforehand, she may refrain from any, or further, activity.

A letter is a good idea for organising your thoughts. But DON'T give it to her. A letter comes across as whining without the courage for a face to face confrontation. It exudes weakness.

Spend a few days writing the letter and imagining her responses to your points. Then think up responses to her points. At that point, throw the letter out and have a conversation.

Good luck.

hookares

Hello, fellow meal ticket.Sorry that you are only now finding out you are just somebody to help financially.
It sounds like she is giving it up to somebody else and is keeping you around merely for convenience.
Sis the two of you have sexual contact before marrying? If not, she has decided that you don't "measure up" in some way and this is her way addressing it.
If you did have physical sex before the marriage, then she knew about any shortcomings you had and we are back to your being the money supply.
Dump her and do better the next time.

Mishy

I wrote the letter, and gave it to her.

I could not talk to her anymore. I needed to communicate my feelings without being interrupted or lead into an argument that had nothing to do with what I was trying to express.

At first she was mad, but then she replied, saying that I don't have to worry about the underwear thing and that it's immature from me to be worried.
She also apoligized for being so hard to talk to and promised to make an effort. Work is taking a lot of energy out of her and that I should try to be more understanding and that she is commetted to me and our marriage.

I said to her that I am committed to the marriage and to her and that I want to see some effort on her side, not just word and promises.

I am trying also to set some boundaries, saying "no" more often, and to get more respect. I guess there is a ton of work to do.

I am considering a keylogger for the laptop, and gps tracker and a var to put in her purse, can anyone give me some advice on those devices/softwares on what to choose best (even via PM)?

unbelievable

Why would she marry you if she wasn't really that "into" you and didn't wish to have sex with you? Hmmm.. This is a tough one..... I assume you have a job or some other source of income? I assume you pay a portion or most of her bills?

Riven

Mishy,

Here is my take. It's possible people at work, either employees or customers, do flirt with her, it makes her feel sexy, so she dresses the part. So it comes to... do you make her feel sexy?

Do things for her, just little dumb things. Tell her she's beautiful when she first wakes up, then walk off. This says hey I see you, but I don't expect anything from you. Send her a text during work that says I was just thinking of you, hope your shift is going great, it says hey I'm thinking of you. Give her a back rub, but don't ask for anything in return, in fact, give her a foot rub, she's on her feet all day. If you don't want to do it, get her a gift certificate to get it done somewhere else. Ask her to DO STUFF WITH YOU! My husband for years blamed me for not wanting to do anything with him, but he wouldn't ever really ask me, he's say it'd be nice if we took the boat out, then expect me to arrange it all and make it happen, don't be that guy, MAKE IT HAPPEN! Make it definite, will you go to the movie with me on Friday at 7:00.

I know it's hard, she likes wine? Maybe buy a bottle of wine, drink it together and just talk, don't blame, at all. Woman will take any hint of "you're doing this" and make it into you blaming them for everything wrong in the world.

Okay, my personal experience is, some people on here are just super paranoid. If you don't think she's cheating... trust your instincts. If you do all of this stuff to "catch" her and don't find anything, you're going to feel like an a$$ for doing it.

Oh... usually if people get upset when you say something, it's because it's hitting home. I could tell you that you're green. Would it bother you? What if everyone on the forum told you that you were purple? Would that bother you? How about if I say you're insecure? If you say something that works her up, chances are it hit on something she's been worried about herself. A man can say I love your curves, and a woman can instantly go to are you saying I'm fat!? The man didn't say that, the woman thought that already and took his words to mean that.

Take some time to work on yourself, make yourself happy, make yourself interesting. Get a new hobby, or dive back into one you have. Work on yourself, you get more confident ( you said you're working on it that's a HUGE turn on for women!). You can also work on building her up. Stop by her work, before you leave say I'm going to rock your world tonight. Send her a text later that says Can't wait for you to get home, I'm going to make you feel great! When she gets there, give her a massage, soft her, hold her... don't ask for sex. There's a good chance she'll be ready for it before you ask anyway. Make her look forward to it, sounds like maybe your sex life is getting boring for her.

And as our MC says... be ARM CANDY! This is more than just being dressed nice, but that's nice too, be that guy that a woman can say, I wish that was MY husband. I wish MY husband did that...

Good luck! And good for you for wanting to make things better.

DTO

Exactly! She was a single waitress looking at middle age. Not having a car, I'm guessing she does not make a whole lot and does not get out much. Moreover, waitressing is a physically demanding job (harded to do as you age and she's working the nights and weekends serving the folks who are out enjoying themselves rather than being one of them.

I'll be honest. The thought of doing that for the next 30 years would seem bleak to me as well.
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FormerNiceGuy

Keep doing what you are doing and, as Dr. G says, detach from the outcome.

You can't control your wife, so quit trying. Forget all the stupid keylogger stuff, etc. Pay attention to her actions. Pay attention to your boundaries. Keep working on yourself. She fell in love with a hot shot version of you. Be that guy.

You can live without sex until you get yourself in a confident enough place that you would leave your wife if she doesn't meet your desires.

You are doing well - keep going.

Mishy

Hi Riven,

Thank you for your post. My attitude is changing since my last post. I am not looking for/expecting sex anymore. I am working on myself and my hobbies and interests.
Somewhat I feel relieved. My mind is not worried so much on the "problem". I have more time to feel happy for myself.

We had our anniversary (not of marriage but of the day we got together) and I gave her a nice card, then had flowers delivered, and then took her out for dinner. We had a great day overall and a very pleasant night. I did not expect any sex and it did not happen. But I didn't get any card or present. I would have really liked a card, but I didn't say anything that day because I wanted to enjoy being with her without fights. She has never been someone that writes cards though.

I will try to flirt more, but I don't think that's going to help my case because I think she would perceive it as me wanting sex.


@ DTO this is a temporary situation. We could have got a car but since we just moved here I wanted to save some money for something bigger (house) so she choose to work at the restaurant because she has experience and she can make a lots of money. It a very fine restaurant. Her job is not in the restaurant industry (and she is qualified) but the pay is much lower. I know people that have cars and then they have huge debts or have declared bankrupt. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for not having a car. I just don't like to live above my possibilities and I am not ashamed of that.


@ FormerNiceGuy

Thanks for the support! I believe that the spy stuff is bad, so I will stick to observing her actions. If she wants to cheat on me there is not much I can do. I believe that if man/woman decide to cheat there is nothing that can stop him/her.
My mind is much clearer now that I am no longer worried about pleasing others and sacrificing myself for them.


M.