Re: Sex life is gone
Hey, sorry you're going through this. I've been through something sort of similar and have a few thoughts to share. I'm going to talk to you like a man though, because I don't believe in sugarcoating these types of issues. Especially since "manning up" is at the core of these problems. I'm not going to do you an injustice by giving you a flowery answer to such a problem.
My first thought has to do with your screename, which is how I believe you're living life at the moment. "Trying to Enjoy Life."
That's the first issue. You need to put your happiness first and start enjoying life, not TRYING to enjoy life. You can't base your happiness on her or any other person. You need to become happy within first and the rest will trickle down. If you're happy being the man you want to be, she'll want to be apart of that, because women are drawn to confident winners. Do it for yourself and she'll fall in line.
Get in the gym, go out with friends, to the bar, bowling, out to watch the game, ANYTHING that you like to do that is for you. Show some interest in yourself and instead of sniffing behind her like a puppy. She wants security, and she won't follow a man that's not secure in who he is and what he wants.
First, I want to say that early on, very early on, she was insatiable. Waking up at 3 am to have sex. BJs just for the fun of it. Experimented with porn, toys, the works. We'd even done strip clubs a few times - at her request.
She was this way because there was an environment that fosters sexual feelings, thoughts and activity. Are you still creating this environment or are you waiting for her to create it?
Now it is non existent. She never initiates sex. Anytime I initiate any sexual play she says, "really?"
Are you initiating it like she's your woman and you WILL have her, or like a puppy afraid of rejection or playing it safe?
In some ways I don't blame her at all. Where she used to orgasm and even be multi-orgasmic, now she can't. Not by herself, not orally, nothing. It is a build-up to frustration.
The problem is, it is majorly sabataging how I feel about her. Making me more upset about things that were minor things become major. I think to myself, "Why is it worth it to put up with this." I get angrier quicker. I'm resentful because of this.
Channel that anger and focus it on yourself. Hit the gym and bang some weights. Do other women find you sexy? If so, don't shun that attention. If other women want you then your wife will see that and realize you're not just some chump. If she's not giving you the time or attention you want, focus that energy elsewhere instead of waiting on her to grant you the gift of happiness.
I have tried every thing in the book, but I can't get her to share anything with me. I try to get her to tell me her fantasies an she claims to never have them. I try to tell her mine and she may go along, but then she tells me she doesn't like dirty talk at all.
Don't follow behind her pestering her to be dirty, but at the same time don't hide your true thoughts. If you had a crazy sex dream or if a thought pops in your head about sex or things you intend to do sexually, speak on it. Basically, don't be afraid to validate your own thoughts and feelings and have her deal with it as opposed to the other way around.
Right now, you're letting her lead in this arena and trying to see what she likes. Instead of that, tell her what you like and have her deal with it. And if it comes from a righteous place instead of a pestering for sex place, then you're fine. If she gets upset tell her you feel what you feel and go about your business. Don't censor or self-edit what you are and how you feel. A lot of times, men slowly begin to curb their raw masculinity in the sake of hopefully not offending their wives and getting p*ssy at the end of the night. She smells that on you, and it comes off as a creepy, scared nice guy, which is phony. Be you and let her deal with it.
You want to get her out of the current mindframe and follow your lead, instead of you being a good boy and following her lead. Doing nice things for sex doesn't get panties wet. She wants you to give her another way to think and feel and let her know it's OK to join your world and go on the adventure.
I tried to give her time away from the kids. Dropping by at work with flowers and giving her a surprise weekend to herself - encouraging her to self stimulate. All hoping that by dropping the pressure of her life and getting a little to drink that she would be reinvigorated. Nothing, nada.
OK. Women read a lot of steamy novels right? Crack one of those open. Do you EVER read any stories about the guy getting into her pants by doing any of this sh*t? No mysterious fantasy man drops in with a boquet of flowers and then ravishes her until she can't take it anymore and cooks him eggs in the morning.
Now don't get me wrong, those things are great to do for your wife, but don't do it with the expectation of sex. That's where the creepy nice guy vibe comes in. It's phony! You can't do nice things and go to your secret room of resentment like "See, I did all of those nice things and she still didn't give me any p*ssy..."
That's where the honesty thing I spoke about above comes in. It's OK and natural for you to want to have sex with your wife, so it's better to be honest about it than try underhanded nice guy tactics and then get mad about it later. That's friend zone 101.
One the NORM is to cut through the bullsh*t and show her your true self, she'll be attracted to you. She's attracted to a man that's sure of himself and what he wants and demands, not a phony nice guy who doesn't make his intentions clear and tries to con her into bed by being sweet.
I've offered alternate things - even hoped that she would have an affair. I've made her the offer of getting another man in for a three way just because I miss that look of sexual enjoyment on her face. She claims to have not interest in that - doesn't even want to fantasize about it.
Stop with the self defeating attitude. And stop coming at her from an emotion point of view. She wants sex and you want sex, telling her what you miss isn't going to turn her on.
Occasionally she will give me a bj, but it is with all of the enthusiasm of a prostitute, saying things like "get yourself started" rather than kissing me.
Don't accept sexual scraps. That reeks of weakness and puts her in the mommy role to do just enough for you to give you what you need. Make no mistake about it, sex is not just for you, it's for BOTH of you. Stop talking and thinking about what she can GIVE you. You need to have the state of mind that your d*ck is as valuable, or even MORE valuable than her p*ssy. If you're treating her as this almighty being that comes down whenever she feels the need and makes you happy with her magic aura, what is in it for her?
That's an obligation, not a turnon. You need to be a challenge for her in the same respect. Make no mistake about it, women choose to be with men that they "look up to" in some ways. They want winners. If you elevate her so high that she can only do for you and she doesn't have to work for your approval, the fun, thrill and challenge is gone.
I love her and don't want to leave, but I am in my early 40s and figure I have only 10 - 20 years left of a really active sex drive before pills and other things are required. I don't want to miss out and frankly I need the relief once in awhile. I'm not talking daily, but once or twice a week would be great.
TELL HER THAT. Not in a begging "Please fix this for me" kind of way. But don't hide your manliness from her. Don't hide the fact that other women want you and that sex is apart of your life. You need to have the attitude that you will be a sexual being with or without her. I'm not telling you to go out and cheat. But don't let her get the impression that your sexyness and sexual life hinges upon what she can grant you. The attitude needs to change before the action.
Don't sell her the "I only want your vagina because there's love attached to it" line. You see other women in real life and in multimedia that you want to have sex with, right? Don't nice guy it up and let her own your sexuality. Don't hide this part of yourself from her, be honest. She'll respect that more than the nice guy routine.
Like I said, don't cheat, but let her know that if it's not her it'd be someone else. Not through words and ultimatums, but through fulfilling your sexual needs with or without her. If that means porn, have at it. If that means going out to a bar (not cheating, like I said) and enjoying the environment and being around women because it feels good, have at it. If it means hitting a strip club, have at it. Basically, if she's not apart of your sex life, don't deprive yourself from having one, if that makes sense. She'll realize that you are a sexual being and will act accordingly.
Now some of this advice might sound out of the box because it's not what you typically find in a book or in counseling, so if you have any questions please ask. I'm not of the belief that talking things to death and offering nice flowery solutions is the way to go. Strength and security is sexy, so if nothing else drill that into your head. That's what she wants from you so you have to live it, and the rest will take care of itself.
Last edited by Blue Moon; 03-31-2012 at 02:36 PM.