Sex life is gone
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-29-2012, 09:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sex life is gone

I have been married to my wife for almost 15 years. Since the birth of our 3rd child our sex life has diminished to almost nothing.

First, I want to say that early on, very early on, she was insatiable. Waking up at 3 am to have sex. BJs just for the fun of it. Experimented with porn, toys, the works. We'd even done strip clubs a few times - at her request.

Now it is non existent. She never initiates sex. Anytime I initiate any sexual play she says, "really?"

In some ways I don't blame her at all. Where she used to orgasm and even be multi-orgasmic, now she can't. Not by herself, not orally, nothing. It is a build-up to frustration.

The problem is, it is majorly sabataging how I feel about her. Making me more upset about things that were minor things become major. I think to myself, "Why is it worth it to put up with this." I get angrier quicker. I'm resentful because of this.

I have tried every thing in the book, but I can't get her to share anything with me. I try to get her to tell me her fantasies an she claims to never have them. I try to tell her mine and she may go along, but then she tells me she doesn't like dirty talk at all.

I tried to give her time away from the kids. Dropping by at work with flowers and giving her a surprise weekend to herself - encouraging her to self stimulate. All hoping that by dropping the pressure of her life and getting a little to drink that she would be reinvigorated. Nothing, nada.

I've offered alternate things - even hoped that she would have an affair. I've made her the offer of getting another man in for a three way just because I miss that look of sexual enjoyment on her face. She claims to have not interest in that - doesn't even want to fantasize about it.

Occasionally she will give me a bj, but it is with all of the enthusiasm of a prostitute, saying things like "get yourself started" rather than kissing me.

I love her and don't want to leave, but I am in my early 40s and figure I have only 10 - 20 years left of a really active sex drive before pills and other things are required. I don't want to miss out and frankly I need the relief once in awhile. I'm not talking daily, but once or twice a week would be great.

I would really love some suggestions....something to try that I am not to maybe get her to open up again. I stumbled across this site looking for just these answers.

Thanks you.
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Old 03-29-2012, 09:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex life is gone

How old is she? Is menopause or perimenopause possible?

Is she on medications? Birth control? Antidepression pills?

Has she seen her doctor? Had hormone levels checked? pregnancy can poop out your hormones.

Sorry you're going through this, ....it really sucks.
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Old 03-29-2012, 11:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Very good questions:

Following the birth of our third she had her tubes tied (her choice since c-sections were necessary). Had some complications after that and she ended up having a uterine ablation.

Have read on line that it basically shoots your body into menopause.

Saw her regular OB who jokingly told her to fake it. This was maybe 2 -3 years ago. He also gave her a prescription for a basic female viagra which she refused to take saying that it wasn't a matter of getting in the mood it was a matter of the orgasm.

She has tried some other herbal stuff with no luck whatsoever. Yes, it bothers me that she wouldn't try what the doctor prescribed especially since basically she has not drive at all.

What is worse is that her attitude has changed and she won't give an effort at all. I love lingerie - she wont wear it and considers it a chore. Even when she does she talks about looking like a fat cow and stuff like that. Neither of us have ever been slender in the time we've dated, so it is not like I'm wanting to see a 100 lb hard body. Still, I like lingerie.

I don't think she realizes the attitude has the affect on me. Last night I literally got out bed and said, "It is obvious you don't want to do this." No objection from her whatsoever.

I haven't had an affair (a lot of self gratification), but I am to the point that if it presented itself I would not turn it down. Sad as that seems.
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Old 03-29-2012, 11:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex life is gone

I might be misinterpreting, but it seems like you are trying to fix the problem by addressing the lack of sex instead of the cause of the lack of sex.

The weekend getaway you planned sounds like it was 100% sexually motivated instead of being an affectionate gesture or an attempt to reduce her stress. Instead, it was to try to get her to masturbate? Seriously?

You suggest a threesome because you hope you will excite her with it? You *hope* she has an affair?

If it isn't a physical problem with her, she probably feels like you only view her as a sexual object. That is certainly the impression I have gotten from you. I hear no love whatsoever, just resentment that she isn't giving you access to her holes like a sexual NPC. Most women require being treated like a human being to feel interest in sex.

Yes, she *should* be having a healthy sexual relationship with you since you are her husband and you *do* have sexual needs, but it sounds like you are not giving her the affection she needs, either.
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Old 03-29-2012, 11:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex life is gone

Has she had her testosterone and/or estrogen levels tested? It's just that with any major change in drive, while it could be psychological... it might just as well be physiological (or both).

You may also want to consider going to a sex therapist as well. This isn't a problem that will likely resolve itself.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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In answer to the hormone levels tests, she has basically indicated no desires to undergo any hormone therapy.

In answer to the other questions there is a lot that is hard to sum up in a few paragraphs on a website. Since this is the sexual part of the website I limited it to the sexual topics. That said, it is not like we had a terrible sex life before - we had a great one. Since the 3rd kid and presumably some medical issues, it is gone away.

I consider her a great partner in life, but the partnership has been completely lost in the bedroom.

Maybe I am being selfish for focusing on this aspect, but what was once great has been gone from my life the last 3 or 4 years. It builds on you, wears you down. Prior to the marriage and for the first 12 years of our relationship sex was never a reward. It was part of our relationship. It was never a matter of me only viewing her as a sexual object. A morning cuddle often lead to sex. Now it leads to "I don't want to have to get all worked up." We are talking just kissing here.

We still go out, we still go on dates, but she can find many reasons for not doing it - number one being that she is frustrated that she can no longer reach orgasm.

So when do we have it? At night, no, because she gets worked up and then her brain is wired and she can't sleep. During the day, no, we have kids.

Why did I suggest the masturbation? Because she used to do that all the time. She got relief, felt good. Shame on me for figuring that if she got some time to herself that maybe she could get over the edge. How selfish of me for wanting a partner who is as interested in being intimate as I do.

I work hard. I help clean the house. I bathe the kids, do the dishes and other assorted things around the house. So, yeah, if night after night rolls around and I have an uninterested partner and I am getting frustrated with that well, call it selfish.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I would pose a hypothetical to her (I would not recommend doing this, just an analogy).

What if you only spoke to her in dispassionate 1 word responses or grunts. After a while she would naturally feel a disconnect from you and would want to you change your ways. If you refused with an embittered 1 word answer/grunt, didn't see a doctor or do anything about it and it continued for years. She wouldn't feel loved at all.

In a way that's what she's doing to you. There could be any number of reasons for what's going on, but in the end she needs to get some professional help (doctor and/or therapist). I would ask her to seek help again if for no other reason than because she loves you. If not I'd insist that something has to change... she has to give you some hope that the situation will improve.
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Old 03-30-2012, 06:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtoenjoylife View Post
I consider her a great partner in life, but the partnership has been completely lost in the bedroom.

Maybe I am being selfish for focusing on this aspect, but what was once great has been gone from my life the last 3 or 4 years. It builds on you, wears you down. Prior to the marriage and for the first 12 years of our relationship sex was never a reward. It was part of our relationship. It was never a matter of me only viewing her as a sexual object. A morning cuddle often lead to sex. Now it leads to "I don't want to have to get all worked up." We are talking just kissing here.
You are not being selfish. You have a need for sexual fulfillment. Embrace it. Love this about yourself. Be proud of yourself.

It's not your job to be doctor or psychologoist. It is your job to be husband. This means you meet her emotional needs to the best of your ability. If you know you are doing this, then you have to point out to her that sexual fulfillment is an emotional need of yours and that you expect her to meet it. The problem is hers to solve, but the choice you want her to make is will she be a wife that meets her husband's emotional needs or not. And by the way, if you meet her needs and she refuses to meet your needs it is your wife that is selfish, not you.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:56 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtoenjoylife View Post
Very good questions:

Following the birth of our third she had her tubes tied (her choice since c-sections were necessary). Had some complications after that and she ended up having a uterine ablation.

Have read on line that it basically shoots your body into menopause.

Saw her regular OB who jokingly told her to fake it. This was maybe 2 -3 years ago. He also gave her a prescription for a basic female viagra which she refused to take saying that it wasn't a matter of getting in the mood it was a matter of the orgasm.

She has tried some other herbal stuff with no luck whatsoever. Yes, it bothers me that she wouldn't try what the doctor prescribed especially since basically she has not drive at all.

What is worse is that her attitude has changed and she won't give an effort at all. I love lingerie - she wont wear it and considers it a chore. Even when she does she talks about looking like a fat cow and stuff like that. Neither of us have ever been slender in the time we've dated, so it is not like I'm wanting to see a 100 lb hard body. Still, I like lingerie.

I don't think she realizes the attitude has the affect on me. Last night I literally got out bed and said, "It is obvious you don't want to do this." No objection from her whatsoever.

I haven't had an affair (a lot of self gratification), but I am to the point that if it presented itself I would not turn it down. Sad as that seems.
Hi trying ~

I've had endometrial (uterine) ablation - it does not cause a woman to go in to menopause. It doesn't mess with a woman's hormones at all, because her ovaries are still in-tact - it merely reduces or removes the endometrial lining of the uterus (which is not a maker of hormones) to help control uncontrollable bleeding.

It is possible that she has gone through menopause, and with an ablation you don't know for sure because you don't have a cessation of bleeding to gauge by. But her doctor can run a hormonal panel and be able to tell - certain levels of hormone would be low (estrogen/progesterone) and certain levels of hormone would be high (FSH). It's usually the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) being elevated that indicates a woman is post-menopausal.

Do you feel that she is putting too much emphasis on trying to achieve an orgasm - kind of psyching herself out and setting herself up to fail in a heap of performance anxiety? Women get it too.

Does she not enjoy any of the other aspects of sex - the closeness that it gives you? Does she have other physical discomfort with it - pain or dryness?

She sounds a bit joyless and bitter. Has she been evaluated for depression?

Does she work outside the home? You mentioned that you do a lot of things around the house. Is she doing her share too?

Best wishes.
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Old 03-31-2012, 01:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you for your response.

I was going off of information she had given me. Can't recall if it was when she got her tubes tied or the UA, but she read somewhere on line about it affecting the sex drive.

Obviously not sure about the menopause thing. Coincidentally, she claims to be today going through some of the typical symptoms of when she would have her period (minus being horny).

We have not had the hormone level blood work done up so I will gently suggest that if we can get into a discussion on the topic.

That said, she has not had discomfort at all.

The psyching herself out is a good theory and she has made indications that being with me adds a layer of pressure on that issue. I can say that she has had 1 maybe 2 orgasms in the last 18 mo to 2 years. We have had no issues with dryness or anything of the like. I will say this odd thing that I haven't shared with her is that when I go down on her, I don't feel her clit with my tongue the way I used to, nor do I feel it like I used to when I would stimulate it with a finger. There were a lot of times in the past that I would be inside her and she would stimulate her clit, but she doesn't seem to have much success now. Just and observation and it may or may not be related, but I know that there is much more blood flow to it when there is a level of arousal so maybe that isn't happening.

Back to the psyching herself out, this is one of the reasons I had suggested the trip and the masterbation. Perhaps if she were relaxed, comforted and had no external pressure she would release easier. This is in stark contrast to before when she would get off on me watching her.

She wasn't always joyless and bitter and I have deeply considered the depression thing. She has been treated recently for an anxiety issue (her heart rate would raise up a lot), but that manifested itself well after the orgasm issue.

She did start back to work 2 years ago at a job way below her level of skill and education. She hates her job, so that doesn't help. She does try to do her share of housework though lately it seems like bare minimum. For instance, I do a lot of the laundry but lately it seems that if I am not doing it, nothing gets done.

She is very good and happy with the kids.

I will use these things you mentioned and see if I can get her to see a doctor. Thanks.

She says she does feel the closeness to me when we are making love, but eventually I get the feeling that she has given up and that she wants me to get it over with.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hoping for the best for you.

One other observation based upon your last post is that when women start to get closer to menopause (called peri-menopause) and after they go through menopause, their lowered hormonal levels can result in some amount of atrophy to their lady bits and they will diminish in size and sensitivity.

It seems like something that she should bring up with her ob-gyn, as there may be some options for her to consider to help her if there are physical issues going on. Even an OTC progesterone cream (I use this and get it at an organic health food market) could be something that she could try on her own to see if it provides any benefit to her...I'm not a doctor, just a lady who is going through peri-menopause now and trying to cope with the symptoms - I have diminished orgasm too - it takes a lot more stimulation now to get me there.

Best wishes.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:43 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Some people just are or turn sexless & asexual. I've been in a sexless marriage for 16 years and counting. If I don't initiate, it's pity sex for me 0-3 times a year.

She really should step up to the plate and go along with it for your pleasure. It wouldn't kill her to put on lingerie and try to get into it a bit while you have some satisfaction. Have you made it painfully clear how difficult this has been for you? She might just not "get it."

I can't imagine turning my husband down unless I had a very good reason.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Sounds like she was thrown into surgical menopause and it took her desire.

Without hormones or treatment, this is how she'll be.

She probably feels like crap herself...menopause is NOT fun. holy...
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Old 03-31-2012, 01:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hey, sorry you're going through this. I've been through something sort of similar and have a few thoughts to share. I'm going to talk to you like a man though, because I don't believe in sugarcoating these types of issues. Especially since "manning up" is at the core of these problems. I'm not going to do you an injustice by giving you a flowery answer to such a problem.

My first thought has to do with your screename, which is how I believe you're living life at the moment. "Trying to Enjoy Life."

That's the first issue. You need to put your happiness first and start enjoying life, not TRYING to enjoy life. You can't base your happiness on her or any other person. You need to become happy within first and the rest will trickle down. If you're happy being the man you want to be, she'll want to be apart of that, because women are drawn to confident winners. Do it for yourself and she'll fall in line.

Get in the gym, go out with friends, to the bar, bowling, out to watch the game, ANYTHING that you like to do that is for you. Show some interest in yourself and instead of sniffing behind her like a puppy. She wants security, and she won't follow a man that's not secure in who he is and what he wants.


First, I want to say that early on, very early on, she was insatiable. Waking up at 3 am to have sex. BJs just for the fun of it. Experimented with porn, toys, the works. We'd even done strip clubs a few times - at her request.

She was this way because there was an environment that fosters sexual feelings, thoughts and activity. Are you still creating this environment or are you waiting for her to create it?

Now it is non existent. She never initiates sex. Anytime I initiate any sexual play she says, "really?"

Are you initiating it like she's your woman and you WILL have her, or like a puppy afraid of rejection or playing it safe?

In some ways I don't blame her at all. Where she used to orgasm and even be multi-orgasmic, now she can't. Not by herself, not orally, nothing. It is a build-up to frustration.

The problem is, it is majorly sabataging how I feel about her. Making me more upset about things that were minor things become major. I think to myself, "Why is it worth it to put up with this." I get angrier quicker. I'm resentful because of this.


Channel that anger and focus it on yourself. Hit the gym and bang some weights. Do other women find you sexy? If so, don't shun that attention. If other women want you then your wife will see that and realize you're not just some chump. If she's not giving you the time or attention you want, focus that energy elsewhere instead of waiting on her to grant you the gift of happiness.

I have tried every thing in the book, but I can't get her to share anything with me. I try to get her to tell me her fantasies an she claims to never have them. I try to tell her mine and she may go along, but then she tells me she doesn't like dirty talk at all.

Don't follow behind her pestering her to be dirty, but at the same time don't hide your true thoughts. If you had a crazy sex dream or if a thought pops in your head about sex or things you intend to do sexually, speak on it. Basically, don't be afraid to validate your own thoughts and feelings and have her deal with it as opposed to the other way around.

Right now, you're letting her lead in this arena and trying to see what she likes. Instead of that, tell her what you like and have her deal with it. And if it comes from a righteous place instead of a pestering for sex place, then you're fine. If she gets upset tell her you feel what you feel and go about your business. Don't censor or self-edit what you are and how you feel. A lot of times, men slowly begin to curb their raw masculinity in the sake of hopefully not offending their wives and getting p*ssy at the end of the night. She smells that on you, and it comes off as a creepy, scared nice guy, which is phony. Be you and let her deal with it.

You want to get her out of the current mindframe and follow your lead, instead of you being a good boy and following her lead. Doing nice things for sex doesn't get panties wet. She wants you to give her another way to think and feel and let her know it's OK to join your world and go on the adventure.

I tried to give her time away from the kids. Dropping by at work with flowers and giving her a surprise weekend to herself - encouraging her to self stimulate. All hoping that by dropping the pressure of her life and getting a little to drink that she would be reinvigorated. Nothing, nada.

OK. Women read a lot of steamy novels right? Crack one of those open. Do you EVER read any stories about the guy getting into her pants by doing any of this sh*t? No mysterious fantasy man drops in with a boquet of flowers and then ravishes her until she can't take it anymore and cooks him eggs in the morning.

Now don't get me wrong, those things are great to do for your wife, but don't do it with the expectation of sex. That's where the creepy nice guy vibe comes in. It's phony! You can't do nice things and go to your secret room of resentment like "See, I did all of those nice things and she still didn't give me any p*ssy..."

That's where the honesty thing I spoke about above comes in. It's OK and natural for you to want to have sex with your wife, so it's better to be honest about it than try underhanded nice guy tactics and then get mad about it later. That's friend zone 101.

One the NORM is to cut through the bullsh*t and show her your true self, she'll be attracted to you. She's attracted to a man that's sure of himself and what he wants and demands, not a phony nice guy who doesn't make his intentions clear and tries to con her into bed by being sweet.

I've offered alternate things - even hoped that she would have an affair. I've made her the offer of getting another man in for a three way just because I miss that look of sexual enjoyment on her face. She claims to have not interest in that - doesn't even want to fantasize about it.

Stop with the self defeating attitude. And stop coming at her from an emotion point of view. She wants sex and you want sex, telling her what you miss isn't going to turn her on.

Occasionally she will give me a bj, but it is with all of the enthusiasm of a prostitute, saying things like "get yourself started" rather than kissing me.

Don't accept sexual scraps. That reeks of weakness and puts her in the mommy role to do just enough for you to give you what you need. Make no mistake about it, sex is not just for you, it's for BOTH of you. Stop talking and thinking about what she can GIVE you. You need to have the state of mind that your d*ck is as valuable, or even MORE valuable than her p*ssy. If you're treating her as this almighty being that comes down whenever she feels the need and makes you happy with her magic aura, what is in it for her?

That's an obligation, not a turnon. You need to be a challenge for her in the same respect. Make no mistake about it, women choose to be with men that they "look up to" in some ways. They want winners. If you elevate her so high that she can only do for you and she doesn't have to work for your approval, the fun, thrill and challenge is gone.

I love her and don't want to leave, but I am in my early 40s and figure I have only 10 - 20 years left of a really active sex drive before pills and other things are required. I don't want to miss out and frankly I need the relief once in awhile. I'm not talking daily, but once or twice a week would be great.

TELL HER THAT. Not in a begging "Please fix this for me" kind of way. But don't hide your manliness from her. Don't hide the fact that other women want you and that sex is apart of your life. You need to have the attitude that you will be a sexual being with or without her. I'm not telling you to go out and cheat. But don't let her get the impression that your sexyness and sexual life hinges upon what she can grant you. The attitude needs to change before the action.

Don't sell her the "I only want your vagina because there's love attached to it" line. You see other women in real life and in multimedia that you want to have sex with, right? Don't nice guy it up and let her own your sexuality. Don't hide this part of yourself from her, be honest. She'll respect that more than the nice guy routine.

Like I said, don't cheat, but let her know that if it's not her it'd be someone else. Not through words and ultimatums, but through fulfilling your sexual needs with or without her. If that means porn, have at it. If that means going out to a bar (not cheating, like I said) and enjoying the environment and being around women because it feels good, have at it. If it means hitting a strip club, have at it. Basically, if she's not apart of your sex life, don't deprive yourself from having one, if that makes sense. She'll realize that you are a sexual being and will act accordingly.

Now some of this advice might sound out of the box because it's not what you typically find in a book or in counseling, so if you have any questions please ask. I'm not of the belief that talking things to death and offering nice flowery solutions is the way to go. Strength and security is sexy, so if nothing else drill that into your head. That's what she wants from you so you have to live it, and the rest will take care of itself.

Last edited by Blue Moon; 03-31-2012 at 01:36 PM.
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Old 03-31-2012, 01:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I share the OP's pain, (along with millions of men around the world I guess) and I am just starting to reclaim my life back after what I now realise was a virtual castration!

There is something in all this man up stuff and the more you read the more it makes sense, the problem is many of us (men that is) have been conditioned to beleive that doing all kinds of romantic gestures and being ever so helpful and attentive and loving is the way to win a woman and get her in the sack (crude I know) take it from me it does not work, neither does trying to talk about it,

I have now realised that to my wife there was no problem, she got all the sex she needed although she never said that. the best advice to start with was from Athol Kay, and that was you can't change their minds for them, there is no reasoning or tears and tantrums, start with changing yourself and hopefully she will follow
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