wife who is selfish in bed
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-30-2012, 12:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default wife who is selfish in bed

I really don't know how else to explain things with out just saying them so fair warning its about to get graphic.

So me and my wife have had our fair share of problems but nothing to major, but this has really started to get to me over the few years we have been marred. she is horribly selfish in bed. here is a perfect example as it just happened today and made me seek out a marriage forum online. We started making out and all that and she wanted me to go down on her, so i go down on her. after she orgasamed she just rolled over and started to fall asleep. I asked if she would do anything...anything at all, she replied with you can take care of it yourself while you look at me, as if she was doing me some huge favor allowing me to masturbate. the worst of it is this happens all of the time. I go to great lenghts to satisfy her sexually and she never ever does anything to me. Even when we have sex as soon as she orgasms she is done and makes me stop and goes to bed. She used to do stuff before we got married but just lost all interest. Am i wrong in feeling so neglected, honestly i am just so pissed because I do so much for her. put in so much effort, and she doesnt even have the time of day for me after just ok take care of youself see you in the morning. Anyone have any advice, sorry to go off on a rant there but im fed up.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

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Originally Posted by ecto View Post
I really don't know how else to explain things with out just saying them so fair warning its about to get graphic.

So me and my wife have had our fair share of problems but nothing to major, but this has really started to get to me over the few years we have been marred. she is horribly selfish in bed. here is a perfect example as it just happened today and made me seek out a marriage forum online. We started making out and all that and she wanted me to go down on her, so i go down on her. after she orgasamed she just rolled over and started to fall asleep. I asked if she would do anything...anything at all, she replied with you can take care of it yourself while you look at me, as if she was doing me some huge favor allowing me to masturbate. the worst of it is this happens all of the time. I go to great lenghts to satisfy her sexually and she never ever does anything to me. Even when we have sex as soon as she orgasms she is done and makes me stop and goes to bed. She used to do stuff before we got married but just lost all interest. Am i wrong in feeling so neglected, honestly i am just so pissed because I do so much for her. put in so much effort, and she doesnt even have the time of day for me after just ok take care of youself see you in the morning. Anyone have any advice, sorry to go off on a rant there but im fed up.
I don't know what advice to give except to say it sounds like she needs counseling. She is obviously fine physically since she wants sex, but that is *not* an appropriate way to to treat a spouse. :/

You are not wrong to feel neglected by this. You are trying to meet *her* sexual needs and she doesn't seem to care whatsoever about yours. You are hurt by this (rightfully so!) and change needs to be made.

If she refuses counseling and/or refuses to make any changes, you will need to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

Thank you for your reply, I am not sure what to do. On one hand I love her and it is very hard to picture a life with out her, yet I feel very neglected. Her reasoning is that she is to tired after she orgasms and does not have the "strength" to do anything. Could this be possible. I personally think its BS, but who knows. I would feel kind of bad ending a other wise good marriage over sex but I can not honestly remember the last time she did something to satisfy me for the sake of satisfying me. I feel so lost because I love her, yet i don't want to wake up one day when im 40 and realize I wasted all of the best sexual years of my life. if that makes any sense.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

You are getting neglected, and I suggest that you start taking control of you sex life.

Can you tell when she is about to orgasm?

Focus on this point and use it to control the "session". You are being to much of a "nice guy" instead of the alphs male in your relationship.

In what I mean is stop letting her finish 1st, it is clear what the out come will be. So get her close and turn the tables, as sh!tty as this sounds, its my only advise on dealing with a selfish love.

Being a selfish lover my self, I can tell you that there is a degree of dominance the other partner needs to show when it comes to gradification.

In my marriage, it didn't dawn on me in what I was doing until my wife started pulling my hair and spanking me. Only then did I see that it wasn't about my own satisfaction. I suggest you start the oral on her, stop and rub your self, then go back to her, a balancing act that may come to a stale mate, but in time her frustration should pan out.

What I mean is once you stop giving her oral, right in the middle, and show her pleasuring your self, she will bail, don't stop...man up and finish your self.

Its a training of sorts that in time, she can join you or not, but the bottom line is you will take control as an alpha male, and at the end you both can be satisfied.

I guess in my case it got me off to watch my W rub one out, so it keep me going. IDK but there has to be a shift in power that words can't discribe, but an act that if your chick wants to finish she is going to have to get you to finish 1st, then her.

I'm wired a little different then most, but I hope our experience helps you and your selfish lover.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

The guy is correct. This is a nuclear fitness test that you're failing miserably. Right now, you're just a dildo that your wife uses to pleasure herself. That's pathetic. So stop doing it.

The next time you're having sex, make it about you. She can have hers only after you get yours. No exceptions.

Good luck.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I have tired something similar to that. I get her going and stop trying to get her to do stuff back. she does put in a minimal effort until i go back to doing what i am doing. If i leave her high and dry she goes off about how "im not satisfying her thus i am not a real man". She has gotten so weird in bed lately.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

That's not acceptable at all.

My wife happens to get of way faster then me (and unfortunately once she's gotten off 1-3 times that's it), but she loves me enough to try and help me after. You deserve nothing less.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

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Originally Posted by ecto View Post
I really don't know how else to explain things with out just saying them so fair warning its about to get graphic.

So me and my wife have had our fair share of problems but nothing to major, but this has really started to get to me over the few years we have been marred. she is horribly selfish in bed. here is a perfect example as it just happened today and made me seek out a marriage forum online. We started making out and all that and she wanted me to go down on her, so i go down on her. after she orgasamed she just rolled over and started to fall asleep. I asked if she would do anything...anything at all, she replied with you can take care of it yourself while you look at me, as if she was doing me some huge favor allowing me to masturbate. the worst of it is this happens all of the time. I go to great lenghts to satisfy her sexually and she never ever does anything to me. Even when we have sex as soon as she orgasms she is done and makes me stop and goes to bed. She used to do stuff before we got married but just lost all interest. Am i wrong in feeling so neglected, honestly i am just so pissed because I do so much for her. put in so much effort, and she doesnt even have the time of day for me after just ok take care of youself see you in the morning. Anyone have any advice, sorry to go off on a rant there but im fed up.
Wow, just wow, she is selfish.

My ex got to a point where he'd get off and do the same thing your wife does. He told me that my orgasms are not his responsibility Of course he used me to get his...

Perhaps you can show your wife how this feels. Get her started, when she's close to orgasm just stop, roll over and go to sleep. If she protests tell her to take care of it herself. Do this a time or two and then discuss with her how she feels about it when it happens to her. She lacks empathy.. so she has to actually experience the emotional pain to understand it.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you for your reply, I am not sure what to do. On one hand I love her and it is very hard to picture a life with out her, yet I feel very neglected. Her reasoning is that she is to tired after she orgasms and does not have the "strength" to do anything. Could this be possible. I personally think its BS, but who knows. I would feel kind of bad ending a other wise good marriage over sex but I can not honestly remember the last time she did something to satisfy me for the sake of satisfying me. I feel so lost because I love her, yet i don't want to wake up one day when im 40 and realize I wasted all of the best sexual years of my life. if that makes any sense.
If her being so tired that she cannot function is the reason for this behavior, then she should do things for you before she has finishes. The fact that she does not do this points to the 'so tired' being an excuse. Discuss that with her.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

Again there is a certain degree of dominance that the neglegted spouse needs to drum up.

Then again there is a certain degree a disrespect that a spouse shows.... then its time to wipe your self off, no matter who finishes 1st, and walk away....sometimes for good.

I have a sence there is some degree of training on your wifes part. Are you familur with cuckold and the method a wife will use in having two lovers? A husband and a boyfriend? There is a behavior that a women will start that will create a beta male that will take care of only the wifes needs, and with in time she will convince the husband how weak he is.

Please do the heavy lifting in having a healthy and balanced marriage. You mat not be able to control your wife, but have the boundries for your self that will protect you emotional.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:54 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

One more thing, it not about getting her to do "stuff" for you at this point, but showing her the confidience and ego that tells her your not affrait to grap your self and finish your self off....with or with out her. A statement that tells her you can take care of your self ...no matter what she thinks or says.

As long as you make it very clear that if she can't satisfy you then you will take care of it your self, then when your done she will be next....again a dominance and confidence about your self that tells her you will no longer be neglected.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I have tired something similar to that. I get her going and stop trying to get her to do stuff back. she does put in a minimal effort until i go back to doing what i am doing. If i leave her high and dry she goes off about how "im not satisfying her thus i am not a real man". She has gotten so weird in bed lately.
You misunderstand the guy and me. This isn't about sex. This is about dominance. Your wife is a bully.

Do you think bullies take kids' lunch money because they want the money? No. It's about the rush they get when they humiliate someone else. And you don't stop them from bullying you by giving them a little bit of what they want. You stop them by humiliating them worse than they are humiliating you.

The video I'm linking to is a viral video of a chubby Australian kid who was being bullied. The kid punched him several times until the chubby kid picked the bully up and body slammed him. He didn't just punch him back. He went nuclear. He could have seriously injured or killed the bully. And he would have been justified. And he is no longer bullied.

So, you need to convince your wife that her attempts to bully you are like bringing a knife to a gun fight. You need to go nuclear. She should rue the day she ever picked this fight with you.

Also, if this is a recent change in her behavior, then she may be having an affair. I would investigate the possibility.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maqLL...eature=related

Last edited by PHTlump; 03-30-2012 at 10:08 AM.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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You misunderstand the guy and me. This isn't about sex. This is about dominance. Your wife is a bully.

Do you think bullies take kids' lunch money because they want the money? No. It's about the rush they get when they humiliate someone else. And you don't stop them from bullying you by giving them a little bit of what they want. You stop them by humiliating them worse than they are humiliating you.

The video I'm linking to is a viral video of a chubby Australian kid who was being bullied. The kid punched him several times until the chubby kid picked the bully up and body slammed him. He didn't just punch him back. He went nuclear. He could have seriously injured or killed the bully. And he would have been justified. And he is no longer bullied.

So, you need to convince your wife that her attempts to bully you are like bringing a knife to a gun fight. You need to go nuclear. She should rue the day she ever picked this fight with you.

Also, if this is a recent change in her behavior, then she may be having an affair. I would investigate the possibility.


I would also add that what she is doing is not merely neglect, it is abuse. You need to stand up for yourself and stop this dynamic now.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

Sounds like my ex husband. All about him, him, him and I got very little in return. Selfish people suck. Sorry to hear it. Feeling used and unimportant in a relationship is a crappy way to live.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife who is selfish in bed

ecto, like the guy suggested, you have to stop letting her come first all the time (literally and figuratively). I myself was always a gentle and selfless lover, which was certainly appreciated in many ways except there was a certain something lacking that was slowly adding resentment and culminated in a horrible end of my marriage. I have since been learning, and now believe, that the something that was lacking was a little male dominance - many women feel very appreciated and validated to be objectified once in awhile (not disrespected, simply the object of her man's lust). Learn how to take charge in bed a little more, it will feel unusual at first but if it ends up like the one relationship I was in after my separation, you will start feeling more empowered and more "masculine" and in turn may notice a little more desire from your W, at which point you will have more confidence mixing it up a bit, pinning her sometimes, grabbing her hair, telling her what to do and smacking her bottom if she plays resistant. It can be very rewarding to you both.
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