Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
A little background before I rant. Have been married over 30 years now. And we have never had a very good sex life. I do not want to cheat on my wife.( I admit to thinking about it a lot these days) I do not want a divorce.
I am in very good physical condition. Workout a lot and it shows.
I am willing to do or try anything that would stimulate my wife. And she knows this.
BUT............ wife refuses to have any physical relationship with me. I know she has a low sex drive. And I can understand her not WANTING to have sex. But, darnit, I don't like washing dishes. But they have to be washed. And I wash them and don't complain.
Thought I was going to "get lucky" tonight. Not.
It has been several months.
Feel like crying, kicking a wall down, hollering and pulling my hair out, all at the same time!!!!!!!!!
I can't stand seeing folks divorce but if she is unwilling to have sex with you and you have exhausted every avenue, then you are within your rights to ask for a divorce.
All I want to say is ...I sympathize . I have a hard time reading these types of posts... when a husband does fall into cheating after this kind of ongoing rejection... I have more sympathy on the one who was starving in the desert for months before the fall. I consider sex an emotional NEED....that neither spouse should EVER withhold and if they do, they shouldn't be surprised when their marraige falls to the ground. Why is divorce out?
Good men shouldn't have to suffer like this..when you are at the mercy, confined to only her being there for you. What a shame.
It is so very very wrong and mean spirited what your wife is doing, motherload selfish, unloving, passionless, degrading, downright evil to me.
But of course this is assuming you are a good loving man... . Does she have resentment built up towards you? This would further destroy her wanting to please you...... is she on meds to further inhibit her drive.... she is likely past menopause, but you are right.. touching you, taking care of you, giving her husband sexually affectionate touch, what a difference it could make in your world, your spirit. These things speak love to our spouse, the very least we can do.
I've been exactly where you are. Stayed there over 8 years and it's no fun. My situation improved around the same time I just quit focusing on what I wasn't getting. Sex is the easiest thing in the world to get and I'm sure opportunities surround you daily. For 30 years, you have decided every day that you choose your wife over "great" sex. Apparently, she's bringing something to the table that you value more. She can't prevent you from having sex, so if you're not having sex as you wish, it is not her fault but a joint agreement. Lots of folks are getting laid daily but would kill to have a 30 year relationship. All depends on what one values the most, I suppose. It's not her against you. It's the both of you facing a common problem. She's not getting any more than you are and she's probably not happy about it, either. Nobody likes to feel like a failure or a disappointment and I believe women handle that sort of thing even worse than men. Complain about the lack of sex and you'll make her feel like a failure. This is very hard to do but it has worked well for me. I suggest you give up trying to "fix" the sex frequency/quality. Your job is not to attend to your own sexual satisfaction. That's what she signed up to do. Your job is to be the best husband you can be and to attend to your wife's needs. I'll catch heat for saying this, but I firmly believe the transaction between men and women has always been an exchange of security for sex/nurturing. If she feels insecure, you won't be getting very much sex. Figure out what makes her feel secure with you and pour it on. You can train your brain to think of her as your enemy or you can train it to think of her as God's blessing to you. Each of us has to justify our every action to ourselves. If she withholds sex, she must justify to herself that this is her right or that your expectations are unreasonable. If you quit expecting sex, she can't use that justification and her withholding will become unreasonable in her own mind. Likewise, every time you attend to her needs, you must justify to yourself that she deserves your kindness. The more you do, the more it feels "right". You will not only feel more loving, but also feel more loved. I didn't use this approach because I expected more sex; but just because I got sick and tired of feeling bitter and arguing with my wife about sex. Anyway, I tried it and life is more peaceful and sex has increased dramatically. They still aren't going to write any porno books about us but life is world's better than it used to be (for both of us).
All I want to say is ...I sympathize . I have a hard time reading these types of posts... when a husband does fall into cheating after this kind of ongoing rejection... I have more sympathy on the one who was starving in the desert for months before the fall. I consider sex an emotional NEED....that neither spouse should EVER withhold and if they do, they shouldn't be surprised when their marraige falls to the ground. Why is divorce out? Good men shouldn't have to suffer like this..when you are at the mercy, confined to only her being there for you. What a shame.
It is so very very wrong and mean spirited what your wife is doing, motherload selfish, unloving, passionless, degrading, downright evil to me.
But of course this is assuming you are a good loving man... . Does she have resentment built up towards you? This would further destroy her wanting to please you...... is she on meds to further inhibit her drive.... she is likely past menopause, but you are right.. touching you, taking care of you, giving her husband sexually affectionate touch, what a difference it could make in your world, your spirit. These things speak love to our spouse, the very least we can do.
What would be her side of the story?
Divorce is not an option right now. Youngest daughter is still in school. A divorce would devastate her.
I am a good husband. And a good father to our children.
I do get the feeling (quite often) that she does resent me.
Her side of the story? Dunno. Would certainly like to hear it. Anytime I approach this subject she shuts up, blows up or simply makes statements that blame me for everything. I certainly have my faults. But she can not say in any form or fashion that overall I am not a good husband or father.
I accept my share of the blame for present situation. I put up with this for years. Should not have.
I think what hurts most is the stark reality, that even though she knows how important sex is to me, she intentionally denies me. Which tells me that she really does not give a damn about me. And THAT does hurt.
Maybe I should cheat on her.
Divorce is not an option right now. Youngest daughter is still in school. A divorce would devastate her.
I am a good husband. And a good father to our children.
I do get the feeling (quite often) that she does resent me.
Her side of the story? Dunno. Would certainly like to hear it. Anytime I approach this subject she shuts up, blows up or simply makes statements that blame me for everything. I certainly have my faults. But she can not say in any form or fashion that overall I am not a good husband or father.
I accept my share of the blame for present situation. I put up with this for years. Should not have.
I think what hurts most is the stark reality, that even though she knows how important sex is to me, she intentionally denies me. Which tells me that she really does not give a damn about me. And THAT does hurt.
Maybe I should cheat on her.
I've not been married as long, but our marriage has been largely sexless for the entirety of it's ~15 year duration. I have 4 kids, and like you divorce isn't an option.
I'm starting sex therapy with my wife this week. Not sure if it will help, but I feel like I don't have any other options. You may want to try the same. If you want I'll let you know how it goes.
The first thing you have to do is realize that sexual fulfillment is not important to her, so she truly does not feel the pain she is causing you.
The second thing you have to do is realize that there are a set of emotional needs that she has, that are not important to you, so you do not see the pain you are causing her by denying her needs.
The third thing you have to do is figure out what her emotional needs are, meaning what makes her feel loved the way sex makes you feel loved?
The fourth thing you have to do is start meeting these emotional needs as much as possible.
I've not been married as long, but our marriage has been largely sexless for the entirety of it's ~15 year duration. I have 4 kids, and like you divorce isn't an option.
I'm starting sex therapy with my wife this week. Not sure if it will help, but I feel like I don't have any other options. You may want to try the same. If you want I'll let you know how it goes.
Please do. Wife would fight me on this, but if it helps I would sure try.
Has she told you WHY she doesn't want to? Have you told her you WANT to have a se xual relationship with her and how the lack of intimacy is making you feel?
Has she told you WHY she doesn't want to? Have you told her you WANT to have a se xual relationship with her and how the lack of intimacy is making you feel?
She says she does not like sex. But, on those very rare occasions when we do, she not only likes it, she is a completely different person for a few days after. Actually becomes affectionate. She sometimes can not achieve an orgasm making love. But, she ALWAYS has a strong orgasm when she allows me to perform oral sex on her. And I will GLADLY do so.
We have had many discussions on how important sex is to me. And it is not just the sex. I miss kissing, hugging holding hands,etc.. That said, sometimes I am so horny, I have dreams about making love to other women. Never anyone I know. ( Is this normal?)
I do not want to cheat on my wife. But I am to the point that I realize this could happen. And from many years of observation, this is usually a marriage killer.
How often do you have s ex? You're going to have to buck down and tell her how you are feeling. And tell her :I do not want to cheat on you but I really am at a loss here on waht to do. You are my wife, not my friend (well, she's your friend, but you know what I mean). Be VERY open and honest with her.
The problem I see hear is that she does not realize how big an issue this is, or how much it hurts you. To her, this situation is pretty minor, and does not endanger the relationship in any way. She really doesn't have to give it much attention for one very important reason.
You have demonstrated that neglecting you and ingnoring your needs is ok. You have done this for over 30 years. You can have this discussion over and over and she will internally roll her eyes... and wait out your bad mood... knowing that things will go back to how they are.
Your best option is to read some man up threads here. To upset the applecart so to speak and make this issue real for her. You have to convey to her that this ISN"T OK. And the relationship, and her life as she knows it isn't immune to your unhappiness.
If you really aren't ok with just a roommate, and your not content with just meeting her needs while ignorning yours.. then you have to be willing to look at other options and consider moving on and make sure she realizes that is an option. Because it's pretty obvious after 30 yrs that making you happy and your needs are not enough motivation for her. Possibly her own security, and quality of life are....
Marriage should be a mutual beneficial relationship where BOTH of your needs and priotories are important to the other. She can't continue to get her Yin while continuing to ignore your Yang.
How often do you have s ex? You're going to have to buck down and tell her how you are feeling. And tell her :I do not want to cheat on you but I really am at a loss here on waht to do. You are my wife, not my friend (well, she's your friend, but you know what I mean). Be VERY open and honest with her.
I think your dreams are normal.
How often? I am too embarrassed to tell you.(hint; I don't remember last time)
Pretty reassuring about the dreams. I mean, sometimes they are SO realistic. Almost to the point of the wet dreams of my teenage years. (I am 54)
Divorce is not an option right now. Youngest daughter is still in school. A divorce would devastate her.
I am a good husband. And a good father to our children.
I do get the feeling (quite often) that she does resent me.
Her side of the story? Dunno. Would certainly like to hear it. Anytime I approach this subject she shuts up, blows up or simply makes statements that blame me for everything. I certainly have my faults. But she can not say in any form or fashion that overall I am not a good husband or father.
I accept my share of the blame for present situation. I put up with this for years. Should not have.
I think what hurts most is the stark reality, that even though she knows how important sex is to me, she intentionally denies me. Which tells me that she really does not give a damn about me. And THAT does hurt.
Maybe I should cheat on her.
Divorce will devestate your children rgeardless. And don't cheat, if only for yourself. You deserve better than to do that to yourself and lose your integrity.
Look at the Married Man's Sex Life. There is some useful information that has helped many (not fool proof, but may give you some insights). Also, His Needs Her Needs worksheets (Goolge it) can be useful in figuring out how to best meet each other's needs.
Finally, look for the thread on the Thermostat. You need to align your actions with your words. If you keep saying that not having sex is an issue, but continue to do the same actions you always have, you are effectively communicating that it is not a big issue.
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Another frustrated husband 
Re: Another frustrated husband 
