shinyzebra

Porn.
People watch it, I get it.
I love a lot of porn myself too.

I want to discuss porn with my man. I want to say it is ok and both include it and let him watch it himself.
I have not accused or forced any confessions, but he denies watching it even though he does. I wish he wouldn't lie about it or this conversation would have already taken place in a lighthearted more casual manner.
I am often sexually frustrated and telling him this and pointing out his porn-watching together could be offensive and I see it turning him into defense mode and the convo being an argument instead of something helpful. I would also have to admit to snooping. haha. I know there are no excuses, but for a serious relationship to succeed I need to know the libido is there on his part as well. (We are not married yet but it doesn't seem that far out of the picture).
I have initiated the 'lets watch porn together' more than once. I find the awkwardness of what to watch both amusing and annoying as there can be hesitation revealing knowing one's way around sites and/or preferences. (Is there a random porn generating site out there for couples? there should be)
I thought including/enjoying it together a few times was a good place to start but seeing as he hasn't applauded me for it or taken any hints about it or initiated it himself I am not sure what to do now. Do I have to make this into a serious sit-down awkward conversation?

Suggestions? Thoughts? Comments? Stories?

shinyzebra

I hate how sensitive this topic is. I even feel the need to clarify myself after reading the post when I said "let him watch it" himself. I do not want to come off as controlling in that way.. I meant let him know he shouldn't be ashamed and let him know that I know it is happening. I just hate the annoyed comments when I knock on the bathroom to get something or come to join him in the shower. He assumes I am trying to catch him. I feel that I shouldn't be afraid to go into the bathroom when I need to, and especially if I'm horny too.

phantomfan

Maybe you need to catch him "with his pants down", tell him keep going and help him finish off. Hard to say. There could be many reasons he's hiding it. I agree honesty and putting it out in the open needs to happen. If you want it, just tell him what you want. Your turn to come over and don't forget the porn ;-)

couple

If this has to be a serious sit-down conversation, then you probably aren't going to get what you want.

Just tell him that you really would like to spice things up a bit and porn be one way to do this in your relationship. Acquire it yourself (don't hint and hope that he 'applauds' you and does it himself). Tell him that a friend told you about a site she uses with her husband or whatever would make it less awkward if this is a worry. Make sure that he's truly into whatever you do. Otherwise these things have a way of ending up ugly.

I've watched porn with partners and the worst feeling is if you are made to feel like a perv or freak for it (some of us men are very sensitive to this). Selecting at least the first couple of movies or clips yourself at least removes this risk. Be very grown up about it and hope that he is also. I've had women agree enthusiastically to watch porn, really get into it but then turn unexpectedly prudish toward it ...this can really start to make a guy defensive.

Browncoat

Catching him in the act is a good way to broach the subject. Though if he's hiding it out of shame it might make him feel all the more shame. You have to make the call if that's the best approach.

I'd just tell him sometime, when the moment feels right, that he can talk to you about anything. That you'd prefer he be totally open and honest with you about anything... even (especially?) sexual things.

If he doesn't come forth on his own though, and especially if you're feeling sexually deprived because of porn, then either catch him or be blunt and tell him you know. Let the conversation go from there.

I do think though that if you can get him to confess on his own it's best, since that way he gets comfortable sharing "secrets" with you.. ultimately I think not keeping secrets is key in a marriage.

WorkingOnMe

Even better is to allow him to catch you in the act.

crossbar

Biggest problem for men is that it was ingrained into us from a very young age that masterbation is a shameful act by women.

Guys might know what I'm talking about. At age 12 and stealing your Uncle's Playboy, taking it into the bathroom and getting aroused by the pictures. Your mother finding it cleaning your room, or putting away clothes and tanning your hide for looking at such smut!

Therefore, it becomes percieved as shameful to look at the beauty of the female form and become aroused by it. Thus, when men look at pornographic pictures or movies; it's usually done in private. Hiding from the shame of it.

shinyzebra

Personally I don't think the catching thing will work, I probably have before unknowingly. Me being caught is an interesting idea though.
I understand the men have been shamed thing and him likely even directly by nasty exes. So conversation about that first would help.
The OKing and exposing porn seems to be one thing, yet adding a "buuuut only if it's not killing our sex life" is almost another issue? but important! or are they one in the same? yarg back to being frustrated

crossbar

Is it just me or are you getting turn on by just the THOUGHT of catching him in the act and not the act itself?

Because there's really nothing sexy about a guy with his pants around his ankles and choking his chicken.

tacoma

Really?

My wife seems to like it.

WorkingOnMe

Go to bed at night and start watching and masturbating. Keep it up till walks in. Then say 'honey I could use a hand with something over here'

Jeff74

No idea why he won't admit that he watches porn. I think practically every male has watched porn..I don't see what the big deal is at all. I don't see anything to hide or be embarrassed about at all!
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Blanca

Do you mean by sexually frustrated that he is not interested in sex with you? If so, this is exactly the situation I found myself in when I was dating my H. We had only been together three months when it all started going downhill. How long have you two been together? Married before?

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
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couple

If he won't admit to using porn even when you make it clear that it's OK for you, then clearly he has some hang ups about it (probably along the lines of what crossbar is saying). Planning out a way to catch him in the act is something only a very annoying person would do and it is guaranteed to be counterproductive to your objectives (relaxing and being more open and comfortable with each other).

shinyzebra

Maybe this is what he thinks too. I disagree. And if I get to help it really would turn me on.