I keep putting this off because I feel almost ashamed to write this (even though it's pretty much anon here...) but reading everyone else posting makes me feel a litter safer haha..
I'm 24; I met my best friend (let's call her 'Amy' - she's 27) when I went to university at 18. We became extremely close, which was amazing for me since I've never had a real female friend before and my family aren't very affectionate people.
Having other female friends now and being more open with my friendships, I now see that a lot of the things we did together were actually not very normal. Things like taking baths together, giving me massages, sleeping in the same bed. At first I was so hesitant but I thought this was just because of how I grew up (the only time I'd get a hug from a parent was if someone died or something). And tbh, part of me was desperate not to 'upset' her or look weird and lose my new friend, so I did most things that she asked us to do.
I got married 2 years ago to my husband who I love entirely. We have an amazing relationship and he is my best friend.
I never lived with Amy but for a long time we pratically shared apartments (to the point where after me and hubs got married, I actually had stuff to move out of her apartment). Around this time, Amy voiced 'concern' that she thought she was losing me. Over the next year, it started to feel like she was suffocating me. I still feel so horrible for feeling that way, but I wanted to start my life with the man I love, but it seemed as if she wasn't letting me grow. She was always at our house and if she was out with my and my husband, she'd constantly be trying to hold my hand or One evening after we had dinner, I went to bed early. Next morning, I find my husband sleeping on the sofa. When I asked him why (he never gets the sofa unless we're both sleeping on it!
) he said that when he came home, Amy was in the bed with me.
He told me he didn't like how Amy behaves towards me and that she's always at our place. When I tried to bring it up with her everything just blew up and shestopped speaking to me, saying I'd 'chosen him over her'.
I figured that would be the end of it. I was sad for a while, but having my husband is just perfect and it's all I need.
About a month ago I ran into a friend who knows Amy. I asked how she was and found out that she's seeing a woman. Looking back on it all now, her string of one-night-boys make more sense and seems sorta obvious that she's a lesbian.
I was so happy for her that she's finally in a relationship where she's happy (so I assume) and she's figured out what she wants instead of having hundreds of one-night affairs with random men. But now I keep having these weird recollections and I've started feeling very jumpy and nervous, even around my husband.
For example, once Amy just opened the door whilst I was taking a bath (and happened to be... relieving myself). She just stood there and I had to ask her twice to leave. I know this is completely irrational, but now I've started locking the door when I shower or have a bath and my husband thinks it's odd (since he usually showers with me if we're together, or he'll come in to dry me up or something).
It got worse a week or so ago when my husband was giving me oral and I suddenly kept remembering being in Amy's bed at her old apartment and her going down on me. I completely freaked out because I never remembered that happened before but it seems like an actually memory now...? We talked about it and I felt better, but since then I've started 'daydreaming' and remembering all these things we did together but seeing them in a completely different way. I know for a fact I had dreams when I thought I orgasmed (in my dream... if that makes sense?) but now I'm wondering if she did that? I feel sick thinking about how I took baths with her and everything. I don't know why it's all getting worse and last night I had this nightmare that I haven't had since I was a kid - where I'm in this weird broken down shop/gas station thing and it's really dark at night. In the dream last night someone was trying to have sex with me and it was her.
I have that really knotted horrible feeling in my stomach and I keep getting all shaky. I don't understand that. Part of me is so scared that it's because I might be attracted to her, but I don't see how that could be because I just feel really violated (or something like that... I can't find the word!) and I wish we'd never met.
I want to talk to my husband about it but I'm scared that if I start talking about it (verbally) it might somehow make me want to be with her? That makes NO sense. I'm just so confused
My husband has come onto me twice this morning/afternoon and I've rejected his advances (not in a mean way, but the way I do when I want to tease him, so he doesn't think something's wrong with me). But my skin feels kind of crawly when someone (even him) is touching me.
I'm SO SORRY that this is so long!!! I applaud anyone who can read, let alone help with this. It's all just come out like word vomit now
I'm reading it over and it sounds ridiculous and stupid
I guess I just want to know what I should do to get this out of my head completely and just go back to normal?