Little Bird

I keep putting this off because I feel almost ashamed to write this (even though it's pretty much anon here...) but reading everyone else posting makes me feel a litter safer haha..


I'm 24; I met my best friend (let's call her 'Amy' - she's 27) when I went to university at 18. We became extremely close, which was amazing for me since I've never had a real female friend before and my family aren't very affectionate people.

Having other female friends now and being more open with my friendships, I now see that a lot of the things we did together were actually not very normal. Things like taking baths together, giving me massages, sleeping in the same bed. At first I was so hesitant but I thought this was just because of how I grew up (the only time I'd get a hug from a parent was if someone died or something). And tbh, part of me was desperate not to 'upset' her or look weird and lose my new friend, so I did most things that she asked us to do.

Anyway.
I got married 2 years ago to my husband who I love entirely. We have an amazing relationship and he is my best friend.

I never lived with Amy but for a long time we pratically shared apartments (to the point where after me and hubs got married, I actually had stuff to move out of her apartment). Around this time, Amy voiced 'concern' that she thought she was losing me. Over the next year, it started to feel like she was suffocating me. I still feel so horrible for feeling that way, but I wanted to start my life with the man I love, but it seemed as if she wasn't letting me grow. She was always at our house and if she was out with my and my husband, she'd constantly be trying to hold my hand or One evening after we had dinner, I went to bed early. Next morning, I find my husband sleeping on the sofa. When I asked him why (he never gets the sofa unless we're both sleeping on it! ) he said that when he came home, Amy was in the bed with me.

He told me he didn't like how Amy behaves towards me and that she's always at our place. When I tried to bring it up with her everything just blew up and shestopped speaking to me, saying I'd 'chosen him over her'.

I figured that would be the end of it. I was sad for a while, but having my husband is just perfect and it's all I need.

About a month ago I ran into a friend who knows Amy. I asked how she was and found out that she's seeing a woman. Looking back on it all now, her string of one-night-boys make more sense and seems sorta obvious that she's a lesbian.

I was so happy for her that she's finally in a relationship where she's happy (so I assume) and she's figured out what she wants instead of having hundreds of one-night affairs with random men. But now I keep having these weird recollections and I've started feeling very jumpy and nervous, even around my husband.

For example, once Amy just opened the door whilst I was taking a bath (and happened to be... relieving myself). She just stood there and I had to ask her twice to leave. I know this is completely irrational, but now I've started locking the door when I shower or have a bath and my husband thinks it's odd (since he usually showers with me if we're together, or he'll come in to dry me up or something).

It got worse a week or so ago when my husband was giving me oral and I suddenly kept remembering being in Amy's bed at her old apartment and her going down on me. I completely freaked out because I never remembered that happened before but it seems like an actually memory now...? We talked about it and I felt better, but since then I've started 'daydreaming' and remembering all these things we did together but seeing them in a completely different way. I know for a fact I had dreams when I thought I orgasmed (in my dream... if that makes sense?) but now I'm wondering if she did that? I feel sick thinking about how I took baths with her and everything. I don't know why it's all getting worse and last night I had this nightmare that I haven't had since I was a kid - where I'm in this weird broken down shop/gas station thing and it's really dark at night. In the dream last night someone was trying to have sex with me and it was her.

I have that really knotted horrible feeling in my stomach and I keep getting all shaky. I don't understand that. Part of me is so scared that it's because I might be attracted to her, but I don't see how that could be because I just feel really violated (or something like that... I can't find the word!) and I wish we'd never met.

I want to talk to my husband about it but I'm scared that if I start talking about it (verbally) it might somehow make me want to be with her? That makes NO sense. I'm just so confused

My husband has come onto me twice this morning/afternoon and I've rejected his advances (not in a mean way, but the way I do when I want to tease him, so he doesn't think something's wrong with me). But my skin feels kind of crawly when someone (even him) is touching me.

I'm SO SORRY that this is so long!!! I applaud anyone who can read, let alone help with this. It's all just come out like word vomit now I'm reading it over and it sounds ridiculous and stupid

I guess I just want to know what I should do to get this out of my head completely and just go back to normal?

Browncoat

I think you should get some individual therapy. Seems like there's a lot there you aren't even sure if it's real or not, which leads me to think that a good professional would be the best option. Even once you sort things out, it will take time for you to process it all.

I'd recommend you keep your distance from Amy for now so that you have space to work out your relationship with your husband. In some ways trying to maintain your friendship with Amy (for the time being), is like having an ex-bf hanging around.

Relationships are complicated enough without bringing the baggage of past relationships in (so as much as possible make your time with him all about you and him).

reset button

Agree with browncoat

It looks as though your friend Amy was taking advantage of your friendship knowing your were naive to her intentions.

I think you are feeling the way you are because once you realized what she was up to (she wanted to have a sexual relationship with you) you are feeling violated.

Whether she really did touch you inappropriatly or if you were just dreaming is hard to say.

I do suggest you go to IC, I do not think you want to be with her at all, and you should not be "friends" (I say that loosly she really was never your friend and appears to actually be a predator). You said yourself you were sick of her hanging around after you were married.

You will need to talk about this with your husband and just be honest, he will inevitably feel that there is somethign bothering you and will fear you are pulling away from him.

Little Bird

Thank you, Browncoat and reset-button.

That's exactly how I feel right now - I feel as if she took advantage of me, but at the same time I'm so horrified to think that it's true. Not just because it would make me completely stupid, but now I feel like a whole 6 years of my life would be half-empty if I cut her out of it.

I definitely want to talk to my husband about it. I need to and it's the only thing that will make it better. But it's not like writing this on the computer (which was hard enough)... I feel so sick and the thought of having to actually talk about it makes my mouth all dry and I get light headed

This might be a really out of line thing to say (and I apologise if this offends anyone, I really do), but I feel like she's abused me somehow and then run away and I never got a chance to fight it off

I just feel sad and want husband to come home quickly and hug me, yet I'm terrified that all I'll feel on my skin is her

Browncoat

I think you are on the right path though, getting all those thoughts and feelings out on "paper" first really helps me. Otherwise those thoughts/feelings just rattle around and hurt more.

You may find it easier to write it all out (or type it up) and then read that to him. It might be easier to just through it that way, since you won't have to think and battle your emotions at the same time as your talking. Just remember as you talk to him, and you feel that sick feeling creep up just take a deep breath. Nothing wrong with taking a pause now and then at times like these.

From the look of it, you've got a fine rough draft already. I do think that saying the words out loud can be very therapeutic.

You'll have time some day in the future, should you need to, to talk to 'Amy' about how she hurt you. For now though, it's enough just to deal with the hurt without her.

phantomfan

Absolutely needs to be dealt with immediately. Therapist stat! Hopefully he will be understanding and will help you past it. You need to tell him as much as you can but also need to tread carefully.

You wouldnt be the first woman to be caught in the L-web. You'd be surprised how many women I've know that not only got caught but went into full blown L relationships and they were not ever known to be lesbians before said relationship. The most important thing is to deal with it and put it in the past for your relationship and your piece of mind.

Little Bird

Thanks Browncoat. He's home now and knows something is up. We're going to talk about it in the morning (we're both exhausted)

Phantomfan - thank you. I guess it's somewhat comforting that this isn't as uncommon and weird as I thought. It's funny how as a girl at the time, I was weary of manipulative men... never did I think I'd have to look out for a sexually manipulative female friend

I trust myhusband will be understanding - he always is / tries to be. That's not so much what I'm worried about. I'm more frightened that once I start to physically say it, everything will just turn all messy... That sounds so ridiculous, I know, but it's just mind tricks I guess.

Thank you so much everyone, though. I actually feel strangely positive now. Still a bit scared in a weird way, but I've let my husband hug and kiss me and it felt nice - no creepy 'memories' emerging.

moxy

Yes, go see a therapist because you'll feel safer working these issues out with a pro who knows how to deal with them.

Try not to dwell on your feelings about Amy and try to avoid putting them together with your H. Keep them separate if you can. Journal about them and reinforce positive thoughts when you and your husband share physical contact.

I know that you might feel grossed out and violated and upset (and you should, because your friend who you trusted took advantage of you), but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you or your participation in what happened.

diwali123

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like she used you. I think counseling would really help. You aren't wrong to feel the way that you do.
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Little Bird

Me and my guy had a long talk about it this morning (and I didn't throw up or anything haha). Reminded me of one of the reasons I love him so much - I don't feel 'guilty' (?) or so disgusting anymore... It's in the past and she's not around my life now, and that's what matters. I guess part of me felt like I had somehow done something bad since I have been with my husband 4 out of the 6 years that we were still 'friends' ... but he has been so great about it (although did say that if she ever contacts me again to tell her to F-off...)



I'm not going to lie - it's still sitting in the back of my head. But I'm trying not to dwell on it. It's a bit difficult though

I don't 'feel' so awful and sick anymore though. I think it was just having that weird nightmare that I haven't had since I was little - that was rather unsettling for me.

Anyway I guess this can be 'closed' now or whatever the moderators do with these threads Thank you everyone - I came accross this forum by accident a few months ago researching the pill (of all things haha) and I never thought it would be this useful - so thanks so much!

Going to go lie down with husband now

Browncoat

Confession with someone you love is very liberating. I'm so glad things worked out!

So you're done with the hardest part: getting it off your chest and letting the man in your life know what is bothering you. I'd still strongly recommend therapy, because there's some more to deal with before you can put it all behind you.

I'm so happy for you though.

Little Bird

Thanks - I feel like a huge weight has been lifted

He asked me to consider therapy before I even had a chance to suggest it myself. I'm not sure I should go down that route just yet, though (mainly because to get referred for something like that can take forever, and I don't think we can afford to go private).

I took some time earlier to write down what I wanted to say to her. I was planning on sending an e-mail since I suspect she has changed numbers... but I feel a great deal better having just written it down. That, and my husband said that he'd rather I didn't e-mail her since it would only give her a reason to respond.

phantomfan

Good that you wrote down what you would say to her. You don't have to send it. It would probably be an exercise in futility. Rarely does the person who took advantage of you give you the resolution you want from a confrontation. The most important thing is that you and your hubby have an understanding, dealt with the issue together and are moving forward and leave her in the past.

Shaggy

Could she have drugged you or slipped you something the times you slept together? Did you do drugs together enough that you may not fully recall everything?
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Jellybeans

You sound very co-dependent which is why you enabled and tolerated a friendship with someone who was making you feel weird. Yet at he same time, you allowed Amy to treat you this way --you accepted it since you participated in it and did not put your foot down.

Get into therapy and stay away from Amy.

Learn better boundaries.