Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Anyone got any funny stories during sex w/ spouse?
Recently, my wife was 'finishing' me off, I was standing next to bed, and she was on the bed. I just started to ejaculate when she warned me to not get it on the sheets, she just washed them - in which I replied in the middle of my orgasm "oh baby, i love it when you talk dirty to me" , I couldn't stop laughing. She was mildly amused herself.
It was our first Valentines Day together, we had only been married for a few months and seperated while she was in college and I was in the Navy. Anyways she came up to visit me and got sick as a dog in the cold NH weather. For the most part I took care of her but we still had urges
We wer're having sex one night doing it doggy style. Every thrust she would say "Ay", being Hispanic and all. I kept telling her to save her voice but she just kept getting louder and louder. Until she let out a loud shriek and then total silence...
Now at this point I got worried because she froze up and was very quiet, so I slowed down and said "Baby?... Baby?". I thought I did something to pi$$ her off or something. She leaned back and said something but I couldn't understand so I said "whisper it in my ear".
I will never forget her words for the rest of my life.... She said in a whispered tone "I LOST MY VOICE". Well, after she said that I laughed my freaken @$$ off, not at her but because the voice in the back of my mind was like "I've never done that to a woman before"
When I was taking Ambien, that stuff would hit me hard and make me very horny and do crazy things. Once I stood in front of my husband naked (I was in the kitchen naked to get him to come to bed for some fun) and grabbed a black sharpie and began to draw ivy leaves and flowers starting at my belly button and went from there. Ambien causes memory loss big time. Hubby said I was at that for about 20 minutes. The next day I go into work when I notice something is wrong with my arm, I see all of the black ivy and I had to call hubby to ask him what the hell happened.
Another time on Ambien, hubby was pleasuring me (oral) and there were thousand and thousands of gnomes in the room watching us. Hubby told me that I kept looking around the room saying "look at all the gnomes, they are watching us, we have to stop!"
The best one was we were making love and I got in the mood for some rough sex. I love having my hair pulled and I die if I am bitten on the inside of the thigh. My husband is very cool and quiet, not one to initiate violent sex. So as he is making love to me, I keep saying HARDER! HARDER! And hubby was panicking because he didn't know what to do. To him, he was doing it harder. What did I want? Then I screamed HARDER again and then he slapped me in the face! ALL SEX STOPPED. I leaned up and started yelling, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU CRAZY? HITTING ME IN THE FACE? and he shrugged his shoulders and said quietly, WELL YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT HARDER, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I told him, NOT THAT JACKASS! Then we fell to the bed in fits of laughter.
Another Ambien-related one. I took Ambien for years and never had any of the side effects they tell you about. But STBXH took it, and would always get really horny. But there was something else. He'd get this crazy loopy smile, and one eye would get kind of half-winky. He'd walk in the bedroom, and all I had to do was take one look at him, and I'd start laughing and ask if he'd taken his Ambien. He never believed me that I could tell. But whenever I saw the loopy smile, I knew what, or who, was coming next.
Another time on Ambien, hubby was pleasuring me (oral) and there were thousand and thousands of gnomes in the room watching us. Hubby told me that I kept looking around the room saying "look at all the gnomes, they are watching us, we have to stop!"
The best one was we were making love and I got in the mood for some rough sex. I love having my hair pulled and I die if I am bitten on the inside of the thigh. My husband is very cool and quiet, not one to initiate violent sex. So as he is making love to me, I keep saying HARDER! HARDER! And hubby was panicking because he didn't know what to do. To him, he was doing it harder. What did I want? Then I screamed HARDER again and then he slapped me in the face! ALL SEX STOPPED. I leaned up and started yelling, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU CRAZY? HITTING ME IN THE FACE? and he shrugged his shoulders and said quietly, WELL YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT HARDER, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I told him, NOT THAT JACKASS! Then we fell to the bed in fits of laughter.
Reading this thread has made me feel a lot better today! Hilarious stuff.
Reminds me of one time when me and my husband are going at on the bed, but somehow we're edging closer and closer to the headboard until my head smacks it. It wasn't his fault, but I lightly slap him in the face. He looks so confused, and then flicked me!!! Next thing I know, we're in a full blown wrestle which leaves us both in fits of laughter... mainly because he's 5' 10" and I'm a tiny 5' 2".
We also have an ongoing joke about this light blue dress my mother bought me (wedding present since she didn't bother coming...) I never liked wearing it because of how I acquired it, but one day I did and now I have a reaosn not to that's legit: tried initiating a BJ for my husband whilst wearing it, and he wouldn't let me because he kept laughing, "I can't let a freaking Smurf give me a blowjob... it's just wrong".
Blue dress lives with the tea towels in the kitchen now.
When I was taking Ambien, that stuff would hit me hard and make me very horny and do crazy things. Once I stood in front of my husband naked (I was in the kitchen naked to get him to come to bed for some fun) and grabbed a black sharpie and began to draw ivy leaves and flowers starting at my belly button and went from there. Ambien causes memory loss big time. Hubby said I was at that for about 20 minutes. The next day I go into work when I notice something is wrong with my arm, I see all of the black ivy and I had to call hubby to ask him what the hell happened.
Another time on Ambien, hubby was pleasuring me (oral) and there were thousand and thousands of gnomes in the room watching us. Hubby told me that I kept looking around the room saying "look at all the gnomes, they are watching us, we have to stop!"
The best one was we were making love and I got in the mood for some rough sex. I love having my hair pulled and I die if I am bitten on the inside of the thigh. My husband is very cool and quiet, not one to initiate violent sex. So as he is making love to me, I keep saying HARDER! HARDER! And hubby was panicking because he didn't know what to do. To him, he was doing it harder. What did I want? Then I screamed HARDER again and then he slapped me in the face! ALL SEX STOPPED. I leaned up and started yelling, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU CRAZY? HITTING ME IN THE FACE? and he shrugged his shoulders and said quietly, WELL YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT HARDER, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I told him, NOT THAT JACKASS! Then we fell to the bed in fits of laughter.
Reminds me of the old joke -
She told me to give her 8 inches and make it hurt - so I screwed her twice and slapped her!!!
17Likes 
cracking jokes during sex? 
- in which I replied in the middle of my orgasm "oh baby, i love it when you talk dirty to me" 
, I couldn't stop laughing. She was mildly amused herself.
