Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
In most threads that deal with the topic of rough sex, it is recommended that couples have a 'safe word' to stop or calm down activity. I get this.
Does this mean that for most people, 'rough sex' the same as acting out rape? Am I wrong or is a 'safe word' only necessary if you want to say 'NO' and plead etc but you don't really mean 'no'. So that you can tell the difference between real 'no' and pretend 'no'. I thought that I had 'rough sex' with my wife (hard f'ing, etc). However, we don't have a safe word. If she told me 'NO' you're hurting me, etc, I would stop. She does not pretend she's getting raped when we get a bit rough. Isn't pretend rape the only reason you would need a 'safe word'?
Just curious because many people seem to recommend a 'safe word' and I didn't know that simulated rape was that common.
We're into bondage and sometimes it gets too much and it's difficult to tell between good yells and bad ones. So we have a safe word and once that word is spoken, everything stops....and we pick up after we've solved the issue
We're into bondage and sometimes it gets too much and it's difficult to tell between good yells and bad ones. So we have a safe word and once that word is spoken, everything stops....and we pick up after we've solved the issue
That's cool but I still don't really understand. Do you say 'NO', 'STOP', etc, when you don't really mean it? If you don't do this, then why is there a need for a safe word?
it's usually used in an SM relationship when there is infliction of pain, not necessarily just a 'rape' scenario. Where the dominant partner gets turned on by inflicting pain it's easy to get carried away to the point where the pleading of the submissive becomes part of the sexual act and it's important to ensure that there is a clear boundary - it requires total trust between the two partners
'no' doesn't necessarily mean 'stop' - the safe word always means 'stop'
That's cool but I still don't really understand. Do you say 'NO', 'STOP', etc, when you don't really mean it? If you don't do this, then why is there a need for a safe word?
I have the same questions. My best guess is that the "safe word" concept has been enshrined as BDSM dogma... you're just not doing it right if you don't have a safe word. I always joke that our safe word is:
That's cool but I still don't really understand. Do you say 'NO', 'STOP', etc, when you don't really mean it? If you don't do this, then why is there a need for a safe word?
Cause sometimes the pain is good I say no while doing things, but I don't mean it. he's my husband, our sex is good and there is a ton of trust.
I've gotten a lotta flak for this in BDSM circles, but my partner and I don't use safewords. There are a couple of reasons for this, but the main reason is that I just don't see the necessity when I'm scening/playing with someone I have a longterm relationship with. Anybody I'm going to have that kind of sex with is going to know me well enough by that point to accurately gauge my reaction and interpret my meaning with good ol' regular communication. There's a huge difference between a "no" that really means "yes" and a "F***, that hurt. No, seriously, we need to slow down NOW, please". Even just the tone itself without the words would be enough to tell the difference for somebody who knows me.
That said, I've done some BDSM scening (no actual sex, but definitely sensual) with quite a few male subs in which I was the Top, and I've always had safewords in place for those. This makes sense to me because I never knew any of them well enough to be 100% sure I could gauge their reactions with total accuracy.
My DW loves rough... not rape, but a sense of "no control". Most times she is in such pleasure she can barely speak... huffin an puffin to say the least. she wanted to say "Don't Stop", but could only say "Don't". So I stopped... she went all "Exorcist" on me. Now we use the word.
My GF and I set up a safe word early in our relationship. We're not into bondage or BDSM, but sometimes I like to push her boundaries a little. The time she most often uses it is when I'm seeing how many continuous orgasms she can take when I'm giving her oral sex. She might try wriggling away, I'm holding her where I want her... But if she calls "snowball", I'll stop immediately.
She also uses it when I'm tickling her...
I don't think it's a bad thing at all, even though we're not using it for its "true purpose".
If you're roll playing, she doesn't really want you to stop when she says "please don't spank me daddy, I'll be good". And that's not rape, or simulated rape. Are you really that naive that you can't think of a non-rape scenario where a safe word might be wise?
A "safe word" is an absolute, non-negotiable STOP RIGHT NOW. In some sex play, saying "no! no! stop! please stop!" is just part of the PLAY of the game. It doesn't *really* mean stop. But the safe word...now that means STOP RIGHT NOW. Absolutely.
In most threads that deal with the topic of rough sex, it is recommended that couples have a 'safe word' to stop or calm down activity. I get this.
Does this mean that for most people, 'rough sex' the same as acting out rape? Am I wrong or is a 'safe word' only necessary if you want to say 'NO' and plead etc but you don't really mean 'no'. So that you can tell the difference between real 'no' and pretend 'no'. I thought that I had 'rough sex' with my wife (hard f'ing, etc). However, we don't have a safe word. If she told me 'NO' you're hurting me, etc, I would stop. She does not pretend she's getting raped when we get a bit rough. Isn't pretend rape the only reason you would need a 'safe word'?
Just curious because many people seem to recommend a 'safe word' and I didn't know that simulated rape was that common.
Well damn, what is the "start" word... I just need to know that word!
13Likes
What is a 'safe word' really for? 
I say no while doing things, but I don't mean it. he's my husband, our sex is good and there is a ton of trust.
