My husband doesn't want to have sex...
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-06-2012, 08:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband doesn't want to have sex...

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and out sex life is nonexistent. Before we were married we had sex several times a day, but once the ring went on the finger the pants stayed on. I'm not stupid, I realized that sex would slow down once we got married, but I didn't realize we would go from twice a day to twice a year. If I didn't initiate sex we wouldn't even have that. I have had a discussion with him at least once a year for 15 years and still no changes. I am praying that I am not the only one going through this in their marriage.
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

You can stop praying..
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Old 04-07-2012, 08:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

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Originally Posted by agreenleaf95 View Post
I have been married to my husband for 15 years and out sex life is nonexistent. Before we were married we had sex several times a day, but once the ring went on the finger the pants stayed on. I'm not stupid, I realized that sex would slow down once we got married, but I didn't realize we would go from twice a day to twice a year. If I didn't initiate sex we wouldn't even have that. I have had a discussion with him at least once a year for 15 years and still no changes. I am praying that I am not the only one going through this in their marriage.
I can relate, we too have been married ~15 years (this May). My wife was a virgin when we married but when we first married sex was too painful. After our first child (almost 2 years later), sex was tolerable but we found out that she doesn't really want it.

For her about 4-6x/year is what she wants, now we've talked about it a lot so she acquiesces to 1-2x/week now. Still I can tell there's not much passion in it, it's almost mechanical for her (even though she gets orgasms, the interest is just not really there).

We started seeing a sex therapist yesterday. While it's too early to tell anything (since all they really did was get the background and give us a couple of tips/ideas), it's something you may want to try with you H. Doing something about the problem is better than nothing.

I'd also talk to him more often, to try and really get to the bottom of what's the issue for him. I'd try to get some straight and honest answers from him, even if he's uncomfortable talking to you about it. You owe it to each other, if for no reason than out of love, to understand that part of your lives better. That sort of ongoing rejection hurts too, I know.
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Old 04-07-2012, 09:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

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Originally Posted by agreenleaf95 View Post
I have been married to my husband for 15 years and out sex life is nonexistent. Before we were married we had sex several times a day, but once the ring went on the finger the pants stayed on. I'm not stupid, I realized that sex would slow down once we got married, but I didn't realize we would go from twice a day to twice a year. If I didn't initiate sex we wouldn't even have that. I have had a discussion with him at least once a year for 15 years and still no changes. I am praying that I am not the only one going through this in their marriage.
Question: How engaged are you in the act of sex and intimacy? Do you like giving oral? how many things about sex you don't like? Did anything about you change since marriage?

I've lost all interest in having sex with my wife because there are too many conditions around it, she does not reciprocate (I often go down on her, she hasn't on me in 5 years), I do most of work during it, she find semen disgusting, she kisses like we are 15 and she is too self conscious about her body.

Many of the above was not a problem before marriage. Maybe this will shed some light on your situation.
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Old 04-07-2012, 10:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I can relate, we too have been married ~15 years (this May). My wife was a virgin when we married but when we first married sex was too painful. After our first child (almost 2 years later), sex was tolerable but we found out that she doesn't really want it.

For her about 4-6x/year is what she wants, now we've talked about it a lot so she acquiesces to 1-2x/week now. Still I can tell there's not much passion in it, it's almost mechanical for her (even though she gets orgasms, the interest is just not really there).

We started seeing a sex therapist yesterday. While it's too early to tell anything (since all they really did was get the background and give us a couple of tips/ideas), it's something you may want to try with you H. Doing something about the problem is better than nothing.

I'd also talk to him more often, to try and really get to the bottom of what's the issue for him. I'd try to get some straight and honest answers from him, even if he's uncomfortable talking to you about it. You owe it to each other, if for no reason than out of love, to understand that part of your lives better. That sort of ongoing rejection hurts too, I know.
Wow, we are talking a huge chasm from 2-3X/yr to 80X/yr (1.5X/wk). Now you married virgins, so you probably knew no better.

The issue and I know mem11363 will argue is that she does have O's, which I am sure she'll agree are pleasurable, so why is there such an issue and no passion. Good luck with the therapy.

As for the OP. How does a male go from 2X's/day to never? Sorry but I will always ask if there has been significant physical changes? If not then is there a porn addiction or is he cheating? First 2X/day is verging (if not) a sex addiction, and one does not go cold turkey.

That is just not feasible for a man imo.
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Old 04-07-2012, 11:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

I can relate to Browncoat. I married a 25 year old virgin ang for 18 years in was 2-3 times a month. Started my 180 over a year ago, and now it is 3+ times a week. Just like browncoat said sex was painful and still is for her. With alot of oral, she will orgasm. She is still not there yet and may not ever be. She just has sex to make me happy. It kind of makes me feel worse. I am still feel sad. After 20 years It shoul be better than this.

As for the OP, a 180 may work. What I did seems childish. I started to sleep in the spare bedroom every night, I sat on a different couch in the evenings, I stopped touching her completely. There is more too but if we were going to live like roomates, I started to act like it. I was gettin so little anyway so it didn't really matter. I took on Hobbies that kept me away some evenings and Sunday Mornings... Thats when it started to change. She was affraid I was about to leave. There are plenty of fish out there and I WAS ready to leave the marriage and I told her that in so many words.

I talked about a MC and all she said to that was that we would have to compromise. So she strated to change.
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Old 04-08-2012, 09:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

15 years and no improvement? You're done.
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:15 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by agreenleaf95 View Post
I have been married to my husband for 15 years and out sex life is nonexistent. Before we were married we had sex several times a day, but once the ring went on the finger the pants stayed on. I'm not stupid, I realized that sex would slow down once we got married, but I didn't realize we would go from twice a day to twice a year. If I didn't initiate sex we wouldn't even have that. I have had a discussion with him at least once a year for 15 years and still no changes. I am praying that I am not the only one going through this in their marriage.
This is bad he is either very depressed and something wrong with his genital's or he is having an affair.

Best of luck
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Old 04-09-2012, 04:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

I started to sleep in the spare bedroom every night
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Old 04-09-2012, 05:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

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I can relate to Browncoat. I married a 25 year old virgin ang for 18 years in was 2-3 times a month. Started my 180 over a year ago, and now it is 3+ times a week. Just like browncoat said sex was painful and still is for her. With alot of oral, she will orgasm. She is still not there yet and may not ever be. She just has sex to make me happy. It kind of makes me feel worse. I am still feel sad. After 20 years It shoul be better than this.

As for the OP, a 180 may work. What I did seems childish. I started to sleep in the spare bedroom every night, I sat on a different couch in the evenings, I stopped touching her completely. There is more too but if we were going to live like roomates, I started to act like it. I was gettin so little anyway so it didn't really matter. I took on Hobbies that kept me away some evenings and Sunday Mornings... Thats when it started to change. She was affraid I was about to leave. There are plenty of fish out there and I WAS ready to leave the marriage and I told her that in so many words.

I talked about a MC and all she said to that was that we would have to compromise. So she strated to change.
Did she come to her own conclusion that you might leave and change on her own or did you eventually tell her she had to change?

I've sort have done a 180 with my wife. I have always wanted more in our relationship but now it's her wanting more. I've all but eliminated touching, kissing etc. She is definitely worried and I see and hear her concern but not sure how this is going to play out. I've just been nonchalant about it all.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

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This is bad he is either very depressed and something wrong with his genital's or he is having an affair.

Best of luck
It can be a lot of things, and going out on a limb and saying his junk is broken seems a bit absurd. Take me for example, my junk works fine, and I have no desire for my wife either.. there is a wall there, an aversion, our problems stem from her infidelity.. prior to that everything was good.. but since I have not touched her in any thing that could be even remotely considered intimate in over a year..

It's different for each person, you have to find out what his hang up is, maybe he's tired of you, does not find you attractive, has low test, or is just overwhelmed by the circumstances of life who knows.. Are you having fun together or living like roommates?, When is the last time ya'll went out together etc.. It's gotta be something.. or maybe it's just him.
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Did she come to her own conclusion that you might leave and change on her own or did you eventually tell her she had to change?

I've sort have done a 180 with my wife. I have always wanted more in our relationship but now it's her wanting more. I've all but eliminated touching, kissing etc. She is definitely worried and I see and hear her concern but not sure how this is going to play out. I've just been nonchalant about it all.
There is no one thing that I did. I guess in a passive aggressive kinds way it changed. For one thing, I started to talk about ALL the divorced on the block. I have ALWAYS talked about wanting to be touched more... I am a guy so I think it should have been my wife wanting more affection. I also started to sllep in the spare beedroom a few nights a week. What realy flipped her out was I would go down on her until orgasm and then leave to the spare bedroom without her relieving me. I started to work later, I started some hobbies...Oh I said that already....

I think I said that we were not going to make it if my "needs" are not met. I talked about women who was flirting with me and howhot they were and how it boosted my ego... I probably made her feel like crap. I had 18 years of resentment that built up. I was ALREADY GONE in my mind. I had no more feelings left.

Now as long as I give her plenty of oral the sex is good. Thats all it is now. There is little "Love" in our relationship. I WANT so much more though. I get all freakin sensative and I think what the heck is wrong with me. My wife doesn't care at all about the hugs, holding hands PDA's, little pecks throughout the day, an occasional tex... She doesn't care about none of that. I should be happy with the sex...

Hurra, the 180 may not always work. I was and still am on the way out. I don't know how this will end. It's almost like a game of Poker, But, its our marriage in the pot as well as our daughter.

I didn't mean to hijack the thread...

OP... Sometimes my wife seems to think that I can always be ready for sex. It doesn't work like that.I do believe he has a hang-up though. Maybe now that you are married, sex is different in his mind than what is was before you all were married. After all these years though? Sex was a lot different with the women before I met my wife. Still I never have done with my wife the things that I did with the other women before her.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Have you asked him if he is still atrracted to you?
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:12 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

The 2X I've heard of this, the husbands turned out to be gay... I hope it isn't true for your case, but it's certainly not natural for a man to not want sex for so long (from my experience). I would have him see a doctor to make sure he's healthy and make an appointment with a marriage/sex counselor asap. Hope it works out for you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by agreenleaf95 View Post
I have been married to my husband for 15 years and out sex life is nonexistent. Before we were married we had sex several times a day, but once the ring went on the finger the pants stayed on. I'm not stupid, I realized that sex would slow down once we got married, but I didn't realize we would go from twice a day to twice a year. If I didn't initiate sex we wouldn't even have that. I have had a discussion with him at least once a year for 15 years and still no changes. I am praying that I am not the only one going through this in their marriage.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to have sex...

Reasons the guy won't have sex

-he's gay
- he's doing it to someone else
- he's no longer attracted to you because YOU changed
- hormonal or medical problems

Odds are it's an affair though.
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