Long marriage...not much sex. - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Long marriage...not much sex.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree8Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-08-2012, 03:41 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

I have talked to my doctor about it. The thing is, I have sex drive, but just don't have attraction and desire for him, I hate it, I just don't know how you change something like that. As I said, there's not been one time I've wanted or looked forward to being sexual with him. That very sad for both of us. We've haven't dealt with it though and it's lead to other problems. We have never had a fight though, if that tells you anything. I'm afraid we've just waited too long to get help. I'm not sure things can get better now.
Posted via Mobile Device
So tired is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-08-2012, 03:43 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanG View Post
RE: "And, there are things that haven't helped. He's began gaining weight as soon as we were married and has struggled with it for years. He's now close to 100 lbs. overweight. He's miserable with himself, has multiple medical problems, but does little to change it."

@ Tired: We may be getting somewhere. For a guy, being too "nice" and lacking a strong assertive personality USUALLY is problematic for providing that "something" that is missing in a - your - sexual relationship. The weight problem and lack of successes in dealing with it is just as problematic. I STRONGLY advise you go to What is the Red Pill? | Married Man Sex Life. and BOTH of you take the "Red Pill.". There are Christians who have asked the site's author to publish a Christian version of his books/methodology. You should purchase both of his publications. But, if you take the time to read his blog, you will get a pretty good idea of what both of you need to do to add/regain that "something" that has been missing - for over 20 years. Try it. You'll like it!
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
So tired is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 03:51 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
chaos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

If he's a Christian, why has he indulged in one of the 7 deadly sins, gluttony?
__________________
You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
― Friedrich Nietzsche
chaos is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 04:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

Wow, DanG! Very interesting. He is the epitome of a nice guy. To the point that when I try to challenge anything or a dispute of some type starts, he won't allow it. If he thinks he's irritated me or the like, he follows me around like a lost puppy. He depends on my for lots of things. He will openly admit, I take care of things and he counts on me to make decisions. He's petrified that I'm going to leave him, but don't think he ever let's himself think it will ever happen, mainly because of the "church". He makes lots of comments recently that I feel are aimed to "guilt" me into never considering it. Comments about the church, God, and the kids.
I've just started glancing at what you suggested. Makes a lot of sense. Recently in one of our marriage counseling sessions, during some one on one time I had with the therapist, I asked her a question. I told her I was struggling to understand why he wanted to stay in this marriage and was "ok to live this way" (his words), considering he said he has felt unloved by me. I got a look of shock and an "are you kidding me?" I wasn't. She proceeded to list various characteristics and reasons that outweigh the things he's unhappy about. Then she paused and said, "Ultimately, you look good on his arm and you take care of things". But not taking care of the ultimate thing for a man, I've still been puzzled. So, very interesting to start reading what you suggested. Thank you.
Posted via Mobile Device
So tired is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 04:30 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4,638
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
I hope there's something really great waiting for this poor man in heaven because he's suffered terribly down here. It is really pretty incredible what humans are capable of doing to each other.
WorkingOnMe is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 04:50 PM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
Browncoat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,887
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

Sounds like he's not mature enough to know when to give you some space (what this your mentioning him following you around like a puppy).

I guess he's gotten away with badgering people into at least verbally going along with what he wants, rather than really dealing with the issues at hand. Have I misunderstood him from what you've written?

If so, have you told him you need space when he does that?
Browncoat is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 06:41 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 54
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

RE: "church, God, and the kids" - If I remember, in reading Athol's writings (?), you will find references to scriptural guidance to the effect that 'it is (equally) a man's duty to be a man' - in addition to the more familiar guidance that is more easily understood as guidance given to woman - or the relationship. I may be incorrect. Regardless, 100% naughty OR 100% nice is NOT the chemistry that woman need nor want - even if they consciously "do/don't know what they want."

Yeah so . . . You married a "nice guy." Keep reading. Try to get him to read. I'd skip the counselor. If he likes it when you take charge, drag his *ss to the gym and force him to watch some chick flicks with Alpa males. I never understood what the female draw was with pirate "Jack Sparrow" until I read Athol's and related sites: See Some Worthwhile Blogs | Married Man Sex Life
Posted via Mobile Device
DanG is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 07:48 PM   #23 (permalink)
Registered User
 
HalfGrin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Saint Cloud, MN
Posts: 14
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

I have three suggestions:

He should get a personal trainer.

Once you can work up to it, include him on your personal adventures (no sex, just have him watch at first or tell him what to do).

If you have any vibrators, get rid of them. They make you less sensitive to natural stimulation.

Good luck!
HalfGrin is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 07:49 PM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanG View Post
RE: "church, God, and the kids" - If I remember, in reading Athol's writings (?), you will find references to scriptural guidance to the effect that 'it is (equally) a man's duty to be a man' - in addition to the more familiar guidance that is more easily understood as guidance given to woman - or the relationship. I may be incorrect. Regardless, 100% naughty OR 100% nice is NOT the chemistry that woman need nor want - even if they consciously "do/don't know what they want."

Yeah so . . . You married a "nice guy." Keep reading. Try to get him to read. I'd skip the counselor. If he likes it when you take charge, drag his *ss to the gym and force him to watch some chick flicks with Alpa males. I never understood what the female draw was with pirate "Jack Sparrow" until I read Athol's and related sites: See Some Worthwhile Blogs | Married Man Sex Life
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
So tired is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 07:50 PM   #25 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

Why would you skip the counselor? Marriage or individual or both?
Posted via Mobile Device
So tired is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 08:00 PM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,175
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

She had little to no attraction to him when he was 100 lbs lighter. What would compel him to want to work out? A longer life of misery? According to most understanding of Christian doctrine, he can't get a divorce unlesss she commits adultary. She hasn't, so he's stuck unless death comes in and solves his problem.
unbelievable is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 08:14 PM   #27 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

The thing is, he says he doesn't want a divorce. He says he loves me and other than this issue is happy. He claims this, anyway. It is hard for me to understand fully. Unbelievable, you obviously think I'm a horrible person and I've treated him very badly. Well, I am and have been good to him in many other ways. As I've said, this was just as much of a surprise to me as it was for him. Neither of us expected this struggle and its been difficult for both of us. And, I would like to see him motivated to take care of himself to help his own emotional and physical health. He has plenty to live for, contrary to what you may believe. And, taking cate of your "temple" is also commanded by God.
Posted via Mobile Device
So tired is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 08:33 PM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4,638
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

By staying with him you're robbing him of the opportunity to move on with a woman who will treat him right. He says he doesn't want a divorce, because divorce is a big scary deal. But you're not doing him any favors by staying.
WorkingOnMe is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 08:37 PM   #29 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default Re: Long marriage...not much sex.

As I've said, I realize it's a big problem, for both us. Some of you just seem to want to bash me. Believe me, I also live with the guilt and blame and feeling of failure this brings everyday. I hate it and a care. I don't want him to live this way and have told him I've thought of leaving so he could have more. He doesnt want to hear that. He cries and says he can't imagine life without me. I do want more for him. I know he deserves that.
Posted via Mobile Device
So tired is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2012, 08:56 PM   #30 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 54
Default

I'm suggesting that "Tired" may - MAY - be able to guide him to see that he must . . . "change" for the good of the relationship, himself, and his "temple." As we all know, HE has to decide and commit to change. No one can get someone else to change unless they want to. Thus, the opportunites and ultimatiums built into the MAP. He's been "guilting" her. My guess is that it may have been defensive/manipulative (crying?). She has every right to "guilt" HIM!

Personally, I have never had much luck with counselors, and often read that others find the same. "Tired's" mileage may vary. A trainer may be more in order.

Speaking from personal experience and observation, people can live nice-n-boring/sexless for a VERY long time. All the while thinking "this must be the way it is/is supposed to be."
Posted via Mobile Device
DanG is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Long Marriage may be over... Tarter Sauce General Relationship Discussion 3 09-20-2012 02:32 AM
So sad-can't let go of bad marriage (sorry-long) brighterdays Considering Divorce or Separation 3 05-17-2012 07:55 AM
Can marriage with little sex last long? MsLonely Sex in Marriage 54 11-18-2010 09:17 AM
It seems my marriage may be over and I don't know what to do....long long post devotedandheartbrokenwife Going Through Divorce or Separation 14 10-12-2009 02:55 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:10 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.