So tired

Married 21 years, married very young, and have had sexual issues since day one. We "messed around" before marriage, but had sex only few times. We had tried to abstain because we are Christians, but stumbled a few times. It was not enjoyable for me at all because of the emotional stress that I was doing something very wrong. Once married, the sex did not happen as it should have. I had no desire for him. In fact, I've never wanted to have sex with him, ever. It was shocking to me and disappointing for both of us. He has always thought that I didn't have any sex drive. That's not true, I do, and can take care of myself just fine. He would probably faint if he knew that. Anyway, I've prayed and tried to change it and just can't. In marriage counseling recently our therapist explained how I've developed an aversion to him. After years of doing a "chore" that has been difficult, it's normal that I feel the way I do. We haven't had sex for almost a year and the last time we did I felt physically sick. Now, it's to the point, any touch at all from him makes me cringe. He's willing to live this way, but I'm not, but am struggling. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? He's a good guy and I wish we had the connection and chemistry we need. After so long, it's obvious it's not there and never has been.

DanG

Please forgive my terse response and possible solution to your diagnosed "aversion": As a Christian, is this how you should treat a other person, and "nice guy" at that - with such cruelty? At least, re-"frame" your problem in biblical terms of being his Christian wife. Maybe think of having sex in terms of joyfully following the word and intent of God to strengthen your marriage and the bond therein - as was God's plan.
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MEM11363

So Tired,
Sadly you are going to get some heat here. Not from me.

Did you feel desire for him before you married?

Was he just terrible in bed but you were afraid to tell him, or did you tell him and he didn't listen?

Or did he do things outside the bedroom that turned you off?

Let me make a gentle observation. If you found him physically unattractive from the start, and you married him anyway, you should let him go now. Let him find someone he has a shot at happiness with.

If however, he was a major contributor to where you have ended up, then perhaps you can find some help here.

Browncoat

So tired you aren't alone. My wife and I are in a similar situation.

We are both Christians, and my wife was a virgin when we married. We have been married for 15 years but my wife has never been desirous of sex the entire time.

The first few years, sex was so painful for her that even penetration was impossible except for literally a handful of times. After our first child it got better and we were hoping things would develop sexually. They never did.

We currently just started seeing a sex therapist, but since we just had our first session this Friday it's too soon to tell if it's going to help or not. We have spent a lot of time though outside of those classes discussing how we both feel about each other bluntly (but lovingly). We both did a personal write up alone (spelling out what we feel we aren't getting, but need, from the other), and then we shared them. We discussed them together (but let the other speak w/o interruption, and tried to keep voices calm).

That helped fix some things, but mostly it made it more clear to us what we each need to work on. Both in deed and attitude/love towards each other.

I'd highly recommend write ups, and hold nothing back (do it in love as much as you can muster).

Not going to give a sermon but here are two verses to consider:
Is your husband an Eph 5:25 husband? (if not that can explain a lot about your feelings towards him, he's not doing all he should).

Are you two both being 1 Cor 7:5 spouses?

I'd also recommend getting yourself checked out by a gyno to see if there are perhaps some other issues at play as well (hormones and any physical issues).

So tired

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So tired

I feel like a failure as a wife because of this. Not being able to provide for you husband in this way is a horrible feeling. I suppose it's easy for people who've never experienced this to say, "just do it". I just wish it were that simple.
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unbelievable

I hope there's something really great waiting for this poor man in heaven because he's suffered terribly down here. It is really pretty incredible what humans are capable of doing to each other.

So tired

I had some attraction for him before marriage and we "played". As I said, sex only a few times, because we were trying to abstain. So, it wasn't enjoyable, because I was stressed about the decision to follow through with it. After marriage, I figured I would want to have sex with him, so we were both shocked when things weren't as we expected. He's not bad in bed....I'm just not attracted to him in a way that I need to be. It's not a choice I've made. Something is just missing. I've tried for a very long time to make it better, it hasn't worked. And, there are things that haven't helped. He's began gaining weight as soon as we were married and has struggled with it for years. He's now close to 100 lbs. overweight. He's miserable with himself, has multiple medical problems, but does little to change it. This is NOT the reason for our problems though. It breaks my heart that he doesn't have what he wants and needs. He hasn't gotten what he expected, but neither have I. It's a painful situation...period.
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LeslieH

I think if I were 100 lbs overweight, no one would want me to touch them either.

How is your weight situation? Do you cook the meals and purchase household groceries? I often counsel people on weight loss and usually if one spouse is trying to lose weight, they need the full support and the participation of the other spouse. If you have control over what is cooked and consumed at home, you can help him make healthier food choices. Plus, if there are health concerns, taking charge of his diet could also save his life.

unbelievable

He didn't become 100 lbs overweight overnight and even if he is fat, he deserves to feel loved by a wife who promised as much. When I got married, I assumed my wife's appearance would change, either gradually through time, or suddenly in a car crash or a fire. Nobody knows what they or their spouse will look like at the end of the day. The man is probably at least 42 and has forgotten what being loved feels like. It's no wonder he's gained weight! Food is as close to comfort as he's gonna get until the grim reaper finally pays him a mercy call.

MEM11363

Tired,
This isn't a debate club, the intent is to be helpful. You had attraction before marriage - and then suddenly you are married and you don't. That doesn't make sense unless - suddenly he was pressuring you for sex constantly and quickly got you to a bad place mentally.

Are you trying to decide if you want to stay married?


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Browncoat

My wife felt like she might have a healthy sex drive before marriage too. Best we can figure it's that before marriage all we did is basically foreplay (w/o touching genitals) for upwards of an hour. Let's face it, that's pretty hot. Still to this day I can coax some sort of mood out of my wife by touching her (unless she's totally exhausted).

After the marriage the expectation is that you'll do the types of things you did before marriage for say 5-10 minutes and then sex is expected to be the next step. If the desire for sex in specific isn't there, then you've got big problem like what my wife and I have (and at some level what you have with your husband).

Your husband should focus on exercise more though, as it can't hurt your feelings towards him (respect as well as attraction). It also is going to be critical for his long term health.

I'd strongly recommend seeing a sex therapist to get at the bottom of why he makes you cringe (unless you already know yourself).

DanG

RE: "And, there are things that haven't helped. He's began gaining weight as soon as we were married and has struggled with it for years. He's now close to 100 lbs. overweight. He's miserable with himself, has multiple medical problems, but does little to change it."

@ Tired: We may be getting somewhere. For a guy, being too "nice" and lacking a strong assertive personality USUALLY is problematic for providing that "something" that is missing in a - your - sexual relationship. The weight problem and lack of successes in dealing with it is just as problematic. I STRONGLY advise you go to What is the Red Pill? | Married Man Sex Life. and BOTH of you take the "Red Pill.". There are Christians who have asked the site's author to publish a Christian version of his books/methodology. You should purchase both of his publications. But, if you take the time to read his blog, you will get a pretty good idea of what both of you need to do to add/regain that "something" that has been missing - for over 20 years. Try it. You'll like it!
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So tired

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So tired

I'm physically healthy, a normal weight, I exercise several times a week. I've encouraged him throughout the marriage and prepare healthy meals and eat normal portions. He's always made poor choices when he's outside the home..eating fast food daily. He says it's an addiction and is in the process of getting weight loss surgery (I think that's a bad idea). I realize that he may be using the food to fill a void...related to our marriage. But, there are also issues from before I was around that may be contributing. We talked repeatedly and he's starting seeing a counselor and hopefully that will help him.
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