Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
She was very sexy through highschool, then we took a break for about a year. when we saw eachother again she had put on a few pounds. leading up to the wedding she was working out with a trainer 3 days a week. she got in shape for the wedding but since we werent having sex before, you just dont know what you dont know.
after our recent talk however, i think i'll be doing the begging. dont know if she's ever let me touch her again. i feel really terrible. do men just lie? should i just have lied?
Most people look good in HS. The real world isn't HS. Girls in HS are not women.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I dont' know how to make her attractive to you.
So from wedding night you weren't attracted to her. Why did you marry her? I mean, best friend or not, isn't sexual attraction important? Even with clothes on, you can tell a person's body.
We married as virgins and had never seen each other naked. I wasnt sexually attracted on our wedding night and havent really been ever since.
It sounds like you're only 28 or so. What were you planning on doing when you're 48? Would you quit loving your wife when she has a few wrinkles and stretch marks?
I think you have far more control over what you find 'sexy' than you might realize.
You are doing the right thing telling her the truth (just hope you tell her has lovingly as possible). You aren't doing either one of you a favor just staying in a marriage where she wants you and you don't want her.
Get some counseling, but w/e you do don't have kids until you two have this settled and you are both happy. No need to bring a child into a stressed marriage, it's just going to make everything harder.
It sounds like you're only 28 or so. What were you planning on doing when you're 48? Would you quit loving your wife when she has a few wrinkles and stretch marks?
I think you have far more control over what you find 'sexy' than you might realize.
i will never stop LOVING her. she's the best person in the world to me. it's not about love or respect. my issue is sexual arousal. if you have advise on that i'm all ears.
She has a very real need. You are the only one on earth positioned to take care of that need. You promised to do so. Withholding basic needs isn't the act of a loving person. Love lifts partners up. It doesn't tear them down. Love cares for for it's partner's feelings more than for its own. Love endures all things and believes all things. You fell in love with her heart. Her body is only the shell it goes into. For all of us, that shell will change. If you're very lucky, the heart never will. You have no guarantee that you will look the same next year or even an hour from now. Guys come back from Afghanistan with all sorts of injuries. They may look like monsters to the world but they are loved by those who know them. Your wife can work out and lose weight. She could even get an operation and lose a whole lot of weight. She can buy fake breasts and change her appearance in a million ways. Isn't there some unattractive part of your character than you need to lose? Inside ugly is just as unappealing and it tends to last much longer.
i will never stop LOVING her. she's the best person in the world to me. it's not about love or respect. my issue is sexual arousal. if you have advise on that i'm all ears.
But, it IS all about love and respect. When you truly love and respect someone, you tend to see past their physical flaws and in to the beauty inside of them.
"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart." - K Gibran
Loving and respecting someone means that you put their legitimate needs above your own. But, you are blameshifting and trying to justify your behaviour of denying her legitimate needs based upon her appearance. Own up to your own actions and behaviour and search deeply inside yourself ... do you REALLY want to be married? Do you REALLY love your wife?
Personally, I think you should contemplate doing some IC - so you can work through these issues and try and determine what the next step should be.
But, it IS all about love and respect. When you truly love and respect someone, you tend to see past their physical flaws and in to the beauty inside of them.
So very true. My wife and I are always frank with each other, and while I call her beautiful every day (because I truly find her beautiful), I know she's not the kind of skin deep (photoshopped) beauty portrayed on the cover of SI Swimsuit edition.
I don't care, it is exactly like Enchantment says I love and respect her so much. I think she's an incredible woman through and through, that's why I don't even notice anything but her beauty when I look at her. I notice her smile, her graceful shoulders, (trust me I can go on and on) etc... I think of how patient, gentle, wise, kind, (yep can go on and on) etc... she is and that respect makes her all the more beautiful. It's true, not just words.
If you are looking for some moral support, check out My Fat Spouse forum. There are plenty of folks in the world who are faced with the same dilemma as you are and some of them post in that forum. There are lots of suggestions of ways to deal with it there. You might also check out Married Man Sex Life. This topic has been talked about there as well with some interesting solutions.
Good Luck!
If most people only had sex with sexually attractive partners, there wouldn't be so many unfortunate looking people at WalMart. Most of us aren't bedding beautiful partners, but partners we see as beautiful.
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Re: Can a marriage succeed w/o sex? 
Why did you marry her? I mean, best friend or not, isn't sexual attraction important? Even with clothes on, you can tell a person's body.
