Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So like a lot of couples on here my wife and I have hit a point in our marriage of nearly 7 years where the sex has gotten stale and uninteresting, and although we have talked about it many times we still fall right back into the same ol habits. The following below are some of the biggest factors that I see as the reasons why, and I am trying to get us into counseling but she's not on board at all yet.
- we had A LOT of sex together in several different positions in different rooms of the house the first 4 years or so, but then it began to slow down and get a little boring and stale.
- we both have careers where we work 45-50 hours a week.
- we have a cute house but it needs fixing up here and there, so we have been cramming those projects into our weekends the past 3 years or so.
- and........we have both put on a few pounds since our wedding nearly 7 years ago, and we are no longer in our 30's like we were back then so we have less energy of course.
Try a weekend getaway. That will take you out of your normal routine, get you away from your jobs and the house repairs, and it will give you a new place to have sex. Hotel sex is great for reviving passion.
It will also give you the time to focus on each other in romantic ways, not just sex.
I appreciate all the advice so far and I forgot to add the fact that my wife is extremely uptight and conservative most of the time, so it usually takes a lot of work to get her into the bedroom and "in the mood" a lot of times and quite frankly it kills my mood so I don't even bother.
Monotony out of the bedroom can translate to monotony in the bedroom.
I'd recommend making more weekly/monthly time to do something fun together. Take a dancing class together, go on more walks, get involved in charity or something different. Just do it together so you continue to grow together and breakup the daily weekly cycle of work/chores during the week days and house projects during the weekend.
my wife is conservative also, but every now and then she will break loose like a superfreak, especially after we fight. maybe you need to try and be more assertive, aggressive
I appreciate all the advice so far and I forgot to add the fact that my wife is extremely uptight and conservative most of the time, so it usually takes a lot of work to get her into the bedroom and "in the mood" a lot of times and quite frankly it kills my mood so I don't even bother.
My wife is conservative as well, but she has been talking about doing square/line/contra dancing for years... so this fall we are going to start. Seems like fun, I've just got to get over the fact that I have 2 left feet.
I'm doing my best to try and get into shape too so I'm not sucking gas on the dance floor.
So like a lot of couples on here my wife and I have hit a point in our marriage of nearly 7 years where the sex has gotten stale and uninteresting, and although we have talked about it many times we still fall right back into the same ol habits. The following below are some of the biggest factors that I see as the reasons why, and I am trying to get us into counseling but she's not on board at all yet.
- we had A LOT of sex together in several different positions in different rooms of the house the first 4 years or so, but then it began to slow down and get a little boring and stale.
- we both have careers where we work 45-50 hours a week.
- we have a cute house but it needs fixing up here and there, so we have been cramming those projects into our weekends the past 3 years or so.
- and........we have both put on a few pounds since our wedding nearly 7 years ago, and we are no longer in our 30's like we were back then so we have less energy of course.
Oh.... So, you're one of those guys, huh? Expecting that when life gets lifey, sex stays sexy?? Come one! Life is busy man. And women just get plain tuckered. We also know how to prioritize. Sleep comes before sex as we age. And, the familiar is comfortable and safe. She must really love you and feel safe with you if she is not complaining about monotony. Your relationship is about partnership and sex is a pleasurable gift to enjoy with each other in your relationship. Try focusing on all the great things you two are accomplishing and quit worrying about it getting stale. Take her away on a mini-vaca for a weekend every 3 or 4 months. You don't have to go far, just away. A hotel down the road. Bring toy, oils, candles and chocolates, strawberries, honey, whatever... but leave the phones at home!! She will appreciate you appreciating her so much... I can almost assure you a fantastic sex filled night and maybe even the weekend!!
But really, take it easy and appreciate your wife and all of the goals you are working towards. Ask her about her day and when she answers you LISTEN. Hold her, rub her shoulders or feet. Cook HER a meal, draw her a bath. I know it sounds one way, but really? Men forget very quickly what women want because men are too focused on their penises!!
You mention that you had a lot of sex in the beginning of the relationship, so she can't be all that uptight. Since you are here, how have you changed? Are you two still dating each other - and by that I mean going out and having fun, dressing up for each other, doing that things you did to impress each other?
The biggest mistake I made was to quit dating my wife. I am better now but really dropped the ball on that. You may need to cut back on the home improvement projects and make time for the marriage improvement activities as well (corny, yes, but still true).
Try out the Married Man's Sex Life Book and Blog. It is not fool proof, but there are a lot of great ideas here that may help. While it talks alot about improving the sex life, it is really about improving yourself as a man. Read it with that goal in mind.
Another thing to look at His Needs Her Needs (you can find it on the web) and do the questionaire. It can help you be smart about connecting, by figuring out what your wife's needs are and how you need to go about fullfilling them.
I have read each post and appreciate all the input and a lot of the ideas have already been tried - and some failed, and in the end there really is no quick fix guaranteed answer or else there wouldn't be sooooo many couples going through the exact same things.
I have read each post and appreciate all the input and a lot of the ideas have already been tried - and some failed, and in the end there really is no quick fix guaranteed answer or else there wouldn't be sooooo many couples going through the exact same things.
Which of these things have you tried and which have failed?
I certainly never promised a quick fix. There is truth to the idea that things worth having require work. Really, the main issue is that you can only change yourself, so work to that with goal of leading your wife on a journey together.
I appreciate all the advice so far and I forgot to add the fact that my wife is extremely uptight and conservative most of the time, so it usually takes a lot of work to get her into the bedroom and "in the mood" a lot of times and quite frankly it kills my mood so I don't even bother.
Yes ... de-prioritizing each other inside and outside the bedroom is the reason why sex can get stale and uninteresting.
If YOU want something badly enough, then YOU have to be the one that works toward that desired outcome.
If you aren't willing to do the work and endure the effort involved, then it's not likely you'll really get what you would like.
"All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do." ~ anon
Do you have an unrealistic view of what sex should be? Reading TAM I think too many here really do have a view of this wild, uninhibited, penthouse forum, hours upon hours, orgasm after orgasm anything goes sex.....
Geez the poll below where everyone lasts 20+ minute (vs. the measured avg of 3-7 minutes) tells me that either everyone on TAM are freaks or that exaggeration is the norm around here.
45-50 hour work weeks and no kids, leaves lots of time for sex 1-2X/wk..... As I always say, pass on the Two and a Half Men or Big Bang Theory rerun those nights, get under the sheets and have fun.
And what again are you looking for to make sex interesting????
Which of these things have you tried and which have failed?
I certainly never promised a quick fix. There is truth to the idea that things worth having require work. Really, the main issue is that you can only change yourself, so work to that with goal of leading your wife on a journey together.
Well one of the things is that we do go away to the beach every now and then and get a room for a night or two, and there's plenty of romance happening and good times taking place while we are there, and we do take a nice week vacation every year that usually turns out great. But once we are back home and back into the thick of things all the stress of life and work sets in and romance gets put on the back burner, and a lot of times it's her not in the mood and sometimes it's me. One thing that has changed over the past 3+ years is that my wife did get a new job and a big promotion as a "Compliance Manager" for a hospital, and it leaves her with a lot less time and a lot more stress.
We are both to blame for the lack of romance in our marriage but all I keep hearing from other long time married couples is - "this is all normal".
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Why sex gets stale and uninteresting. 
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